11-21
2:17am
don't really want to talk about why I'm up this late... wasting my life is what it amounts to.. anyways, I've fuigured out a way to access my livejournal account from here, so from now on (?) all posts will once again be there, not here. yeah.

11-20
12:23am
It's been a strange week. I think almost everyone is upset that we've been training when ther is 'real' work to be done. It really doesn't make sense. The past few months have been hard on us all. We've sent four back so far to the best of my knowledge, with the best one off having a broken arm, or something like that. Somehow I'm not convinced that it's been worth the toll this time around.
The future is a scary thing when you don't know what it will hold. I find myself busy trying to research all sorts of different things, trying to decide what I will be doing in a year. At this point, I really don't know. I'm getting very frustrated at times. It seems that for every bebefit that any given option holds, there's a swarm of dissadvantages that follow. The fact of the matter (I think) is that no matter what it is I'm doing (army, or otherwise) I will have to work full time while I try to get my education. I'm not very happy with that. I would really like to have the time to spend with my family, but as it's looking right now, my days will be spent working, and my nights will be spent taking classes and studying. In the meantime, it would be nice if I could decide on a career/educational direction so that I could work in something related in the meantime. I'm not really having any better luck in that area. I found out today that Florida does not offer tuition assistance for veterans, although it will deferr some payments. If I switched to the National Guard, I would get all my schooling paid for, but I'd still be loosing medical insurance for Claire and Matthew.
I think when it comes down to it (for Claire, especially), that's the most important thing - medical insurance. I guess what I really want is a part time job that I really enjoy, would make a career out of, pays excellent, assists with my tuition costs, and has free medical coverage for my family. That way I'd have time for my family, my job, and my education, without making any of them suffer. While we're at it, I might as well throw in that it should be near the beach and have six weeks paid vacation every quarter... and complimentary gourmet coffee served on the hour and half hour, to order, my gnomes dressed in plaid lumberjack outfits. Naptime is at three.

11-11
12:30am
yeah, so I'm tired as crap at the moment. It's kinda funny how all through high school I made fun of wrestling, and now a few years later I do ju-jitsu (kinda like wrestling) for fun. Even 'worse' is that every time I do it, I want more. I'm becoming a local phenomonon. Apperrantly, I have just enough knowledge and skill to defend against almost anything, but I can't sink a move myself for the life of me.
I really do wish that I treated my friends better... bot now and in the past as well. I think I have a tendancy twards taking people for granted, and for focusing all my attention and energy on one person, often to the detrement of other friendships. I'd like to be better at that in the future. I've got a sneaking suspicion that I've missed out on some great times because of my selfishness/inconsiderateness.
I'm thinking alot about my future these days. The more I think about it, the less I feel like I have a good solution. I feel like every option I have is wrong in some way. Maybe another will present itself soon, or maybe I'll just have to conceed to the fact that things may not always go exacly how I'd like them to. There is the posibility that the world does not revolve around me, silly as that sounds.

11-9
1:00am
Tired I am. There's something about me and movies. Music, too come to think of it, but that's not what we're talking about right now, thank you.
I am a director's dream audiance. Especially if I'm alone. Let me correct myself - movies in general, but not so much comedies, more just the drama types. I suppose every good drama should have an effect on the audiance, but I think it's quite likely that I let myself be affected more than the average person... especially the average guy. Yeah, plenty of people will cry at the sad scene, but how many are still bothered an hour or two later? How many people let themselves be so immersed in the movie that they envision the same events happening in their own lives? Maybe it comes down to the whole 'wild at heart guy thing'. Perhaps my desire for an adventure to live is embaced in this fashion. I don't know. Maybe my mind just wanders too much, I daydream alot and I'm more easily entertained than a three year old with a whooppee cusion.
I find myself missing my life back home. I also, from time to time find myself missing lives that I never lived... all the things that could have been had I made different choices throughout my life. I hate that I do that. While I may look back and see that some of my decisions were poor ones, I wouldn't be where I am now without them. I am who I am, and my life is what it is. I would not trade that for any of the alternate realities that my mind can come up with. I guess the only possible benefit is that perhaps I will be able to dream my way into making better choices in the future.
on the other hand, learning from my mistakes? well that would be almost unamerican! or at least unsteven.

5-1
5:31pm
okay, so no more posts on this webpage. ever. el blahgo has moved to a new locat-tiano. check it's sweetness out B: diarys of an emotionally challenged fool

4-27
12:45pm
what do I do? what kind of life is it that I'm living when my wife comes home for lunch, says only a sentance or two, turns on the tv and ignores me for fortyfive minutes before heading back out to work? Or when she comes home at night and does the same? I try watching the stupid thing with her, just so I can be with her, but it's the same story every time. don't touch me, move over. there's plenty of room on the couch, why do you have to sit so close. Or at night when we're in bed. stay on your side. don't touch me. scoot over. move over as far as you can. further. a little further. can't you lay on your side or something?
and then there's the bad days. she comes home. five sentances. she fixes pizza, checks her e-mail, and locks herself in the bedroom with the tv. she comes out for the pizza. I ask her what's wrong, if she's mad at me, if I did anything to upset her. If I wanted to talk to you I would have asked you to talk she says, before retiring to the tv once again. I love you I say on her way out the door. did you feed the dog? is her response.
I am in the dark.

3-30
3:18pm
nothing like a few thousand sandbags on the hottest day so far. But you know what? It doesn't matter, because I'm going home! I really don't care what happens in the next few hours because I have the knowledge that in a matter of hours now, not days, I'll be out of this place and on my way home. yay.
I think I might have pulled something in my foot while I was running yesterday.... it kinda hurts... I guess we'll see what happens.

3-29
7:21pm
I watched 8 mile again tonight. I'm still surprised by the fact that I actually like the movie, and all the actors, including that m&m guy, did a pretty good job. The whole thing with that girl he likes still messes me up, though. I dunno what it is. Perhaps it's the idealist in me(as if there's another part...), but pretty much any movie that involves infidelity just bothers me. The whole - I just met you, but that's okay lets just have sex instead of saying hello - type thing bothers me too. I think maybe it has something to do with my desire for beauty. If a movie introduces you to a good looking girl with a great personality, it's hard not to see her beauty. Take the same girl, and show her having sex with half the cast, and that beauty is destroyed. She may still look good, but there is nothing worth a second glance there. I also saw The Girl Next Door today. That takes a little different approach. Girl is great, boy has a crush. Boy finds out she's a porn star. BAM! Beauty destroyed. But wait, that's not the end. She was a porn star, but she's looking for a new lifestyle to the extent that when boy wants sex with girl, she leaves, gets depressed, views herself as nothing more than a sex object and so lets herself go back to the porn. But wait! Boy realises that there is still beauty there, and rescues her from her situation and encourages her to reject her former life. Score, beauty restored. Now I'm not in any way saying that this movie has any innocence about it, butin the end, the beauty is restored, which in my mind is just about all that really matters about that movie.
more random strange thoughts later.

3:36pm
They wern't kidding when they said that we'd be busy all the way up to the time that we get on the plane home. Time here is getting very short, but we're still getting called up at strange hours to help out with things. I suppose our replacements are probably coming here on the same flight that we're leaving on.
I really miss Claire alot these days. Probably something to do with the fact that I'm going to see her again so soon. I guess the anticipation is getting to me. She bought a porch swing yesterday. I don't know if I would have thought of it, but I think it's a great idea. From everything I hear she has done such a great job of taking care of things while I'm gone. My mom said that her impression was that Claire tried to think of what my opinion would be about every purchase that she made. I'm proud to have the privallage of calling her my wife.

3-28
1:29am
what's with the early morning updates? huh? well, I gots to stay up this late in order to call home, so I might as well do something 'productive' while I wait, no? Things are good here. Nothing like getting ready to go home to make life seem so much better, eh? I ran seven miles today. I almost didn't do it. I did a mile and a half on a treadmill that was all messed up and couldn't get up to the speed I wanted to go (which was pretty slow), so I switched treadmills for the rest. Around mile four my mind kinda shut down about the whole thing and I had to distract myself so that I'd forget about the fact that I was running. I almost stopped a bunch of times, but I didn't....yay. I'm thinking maybe I'll sprint tomarrow. we'll see. On the down side, about halfway through my run I realised that it was time for the Bible study here, so I pretty much missed it today. I mean yesterday. church today, though, which should be fun. I'm gonna go look at my wedding pictures now.bye.

3-27
00:11am
moved again, but this time I'm one step closer to being home. It's just a matter of time now before I get on that one last bird that will take me back to where I belong. In a way, it's all come as a surprise. Not that I didn't think I'd be going home, just not so soon. One of the 'ol - hope your bags are packed because you're leaving in an hour - type deals. With any luck, I'll be back with Claire in our new house/apartment a good week before I expected just two days ago. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy about the whole deal. I can't wait to see Claire again. It's been way too long.

3-25
6:19pm
well, I'm a jerk, to say the least. I let my anger get the best of me the other day, and instead of responding to a situation rationally, I vented and although I tried the best I could to tone my mood down, I'm scared that I may have hurt Claire by what I said. In tuth, the whole situation was just stupid and immature, to an extent on both our parts, and my being in a bad mood just made things worse. I have no tact, or intelligance sometimes.
the good news is that I'll be coming home soon. Possibly even sooner than I had origianally expected (only by a few days), but either way I'm pretty sure that I'll be back home in time for my birthday. I really miss Claire alot, and I've been pretty bummed out about not being able to be with her through this part of the pregnancy, but soon all will be well. I'm sure it'll be a little bit of a shock coming back to a new house and baby furniture, but the track is only a block away, so I'll be happy regardless. And the house is blue. Need I say more?
I have leave coming up, too. Claire wants to visit St. Augistine, so I suppose we'll probably do that and then stop in Orlando for a day or two as well. But since she'll only have like five days off, and I'll have around fifteen, what should I do with myself for the rest of leave? spend rediculouse amounts of money doing 'guy' stuff right? except I gots to save money for school and all... and there's that baby thingie that's gonna hatch soon. I've read books for three months, so that's not so attractive. ....
oh, and I suppose I'll update the site with my poetry and pictures and whatnot from the last few months. It may be kinda hard since alot of my art was done in a diary/sketchbook kinda thing.... oh well...
..... stay tuned to find out more in the adventures of moron-boy!

3-16
3:35pm
I'm trying to solve the mystery that is my future. I am constantly searching the web for schools to attend and looking for jobs to work while I attend. We'll see how it all turns out in the end. My latest idea is to work for the government, although no longer in the army, so that I can retain the insurance benefits that the government provides for it's employees. I'm not sure what kind of job I would get with something like this, but I fuigure it's at least worth looking into.

3-15
6:23pm
There was a single Action Pursuite Games magazine at the PX. I was fortunate enough to find it behind some girly household magazines. To my amazement, it contained an article on the marker that I'm thinking about getting, which makes me very excited. Beut then reality sinks in, and I wonder how realistic my dreams of playing paintball really are at this point. With all that is going on in my life do I really have the time, and more importantly the money, to spend (or waste, as I would not be surprised to hear from Claire) on such things. I don't know. Paintball is definatally a sport that I have a passion for, and part of me tells me that I need to follow my passions, but then another undeniable part of myself points out that I need to do what is best for my family, and that doing so may require me to sacrifice some things. I suppose I'm struggling with wondering just how much I will be required to sacrifice over the years, and if at some point I should save some things for myself. I hate being selfish, and anytime I think of myself I feel like I am being selfish, but if I sacrifice so many things that I enjoy, what kind of father/husband would I end up being? Perhaps I will find a job that I love, and I'm sure that my family will bring me joy, but without any kind of personal hobby to really find joy in, I'm just scared that I will become increasingly unhappy. If I am not happy, then how can I be any good to my family? It's a tough argument that in all reality includes my entire life, not just a hobby or two. At times, now, my worries consume me, and I feel overwhelmed, but at others, I just go about my life as usual and everything seems fine. It's frustrating, and I find myself falling into the traps of the 'what if' game, which I know will destroy me.
on a completely seperate note, I've finally seen a few episodes of 'the family guy' - the show that all my friends have been raving over. Seems to be a funny show composed of humor that I enjoy, but also going beyond, into things that are still funny in a way, but deep down, I really don't appreciate some of the 'rude' humors.
blah - the feeling of the moment.

3-4
7:04am
another day, another dollar... things are back to 'normal' I suppose. I can once again eat breakfast! how awesome is that?
I got a package from Claire.... containing..... words of wisdom from Fred Rogers! How awesome is that? Claire sure knows how to pick 'em!

3-1
8:40pm
I just looked at my church's web page (where I attend in GA, my membership is still with SOBC)) and something struck me hard. Their 'Mission statement' is: '..to make fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ out of irreligious people.' That's great, and I fully support that. What stood out to me was their description of services, specifically worship, of which is says 'The goal of worship is to lead people to Jesus.' shouldn't the goal of worship be honoring our Lord? worship is not something that 'irreligoius' should really be a part of. sure, they can observe if they like, they can even sing the songs and listen to the sermon, but when it comes down to it, shouldn't a 'worship service' be intended for worship? a worship service should be for believers to worship. If a non-believer comes and sees the worship service, and comes to know Chist becouse of that, wonderfull! but the 'leading of people to Jesus' should occur for the most part outside of the church. It should be the job of every member while he/she is out in the world. anyways, I just think that our church has begun to lose sight of helping those who have become christains to grow. The christain walk does not, or should not stop at 'conversion', it should continue on for the rest of that persons life, continually learning and growing closer to God.
I see many problems in the world, and I'm sure many others do as well. but do I have a solution to offer? I'll work on that, because otherwise my complaining does nothing but destroy.

2-29
3:14am
after a good run and a short workout I feel considerably better than I did before. I'm pretty much restricted to the treadmill here, since it's usually dark out during my free time. Although I really like the treadmills we have here, they face a wall about three feet away, which can really mess you up if you're trying to run for much longer than five minutes or so. Today I triumphed over the treadmill. It's close-wallness has been defeating me for the past two weeks, but today I combatted it with.... drumroll.... music! indeed, some good rock and roll totally took my mind off of the wall in front of me, and had me rocking out in place for a good sub 13 two miles. once I recover, if I'm still in the area, I'm gonna try a 5k on the 'mill and see how I compare to back in the day.
I'm debating on wheather I should get my paintball gun fixed, or if I should just ditch it and get a new one. Seeing as how it's given me problems almost every time I've played with it, I'm not favoring the repair job. On the other hand, it may be more economical than dropping five or six big ones for the setup that I'd be getting to replace it. I guess it all depends on my other future plans. If I want to go to college without re-enlisting, then I may have to curb my spending on everything, which in all reality could mean no paintball. makes a guy wanna cry, ya know?

2-28
8:13pm
aaarg! I've spent the last few days scouring the internet for scholarships and whatnot, looking for colleges to go to, trying to decide on a direction for my studies. I feel like I havn't made any progress at all. In fact, the only subject that I've found anything usefull on is paintball, which I'm tying to make myself stay away from for a while. It's not working. I feel like the past two phone conversations with Claire have been more like fights than anything else. I've been trying to tell her that I'm still kinda open to letting her work over the next year or two, but the conversation keeps on turning into an argument before I can even get what I'm saying across. STRESS. I'll be leaving here soon, which means not as much internet access, and very little phone access. arg!

2-25
10:20pm
I got an e-mail from the curch today with all the news for the college ministry. Of all the things to be in there was the announcement of the new pictures from the past month or two getting posted. Between the rest of that e-mail and what I discovered while following the links I found out that the paintball ministry has really sprouted. They had twenty three there last weekend and are expecting more this weekend. there's over 60 pictures online, so I can get a little taste of the action. It's really awesome to see God using something that I've put work into. There were some weeks there that I really got discouraged, but to see how well things have turned out makes it all worthwhile. I just hope that Brent is able to use it as more than just a way to get people to the church, but really an effective ministry. I hope that circumstances will allow me to continue serving in that ministry when I return home.
I am so pumped about the bible study that I'm a part of here. I may have only a few more days that I'll be able to attend, but I've already learned so much. now only if I can apply what I learn to my every day life. I really want to be close to God. I know that as the man of my family, God has charged me to be the spiritual leader of my family. I hope that I can learn to be exactly that. Honestly, that's one of the most important roles I'll have in my family - everything else comes after that.
It comes down to the same issue again. my whole life I've been helpless, not just in the natural sense, but I refuse to help myself, I think. Honestly, it will take alot to take charge and really be responsable, but that is what I want to do, what I have to do, what God is telling me to do. He says to me 'Steven - I have made you perfectly capable of doing everything that I ask of you. NOW GO AND DO IT! I'm tired of you ignoring my commands, my promts. it is well time that you learn to follow me.'
and what can I say to that? God, I submit. I'm tired of running, of disobeying. You're right, it is time. No more excuses, Lord...lets go.

2-24
11:18pm
The once fooseball king has fallen. either my skills are rusty, or I was never that good to begin with. either way, I'm one of the worse players here.
News flash: I need to switch car insurance. Oh yeah, and taxes are an issue too. blah

2-23
10:50pm
I just played two games of checkers. I lost twice. my head hurts.

I swear that my IQ has gone down by like ten points since joining the army, wich is bad, since it leaves me stuck in the negitves. I try to read cool books like the Seven Daughters of Eve by Sykes, but all I can think is... hehe... huhhuh... Skyke.... haha... Syke!!.... my booke is on genetics... Syke!!.. So, as you can see, it's almost counterproductive.
in other news, I'm an idiot.

2-22
5:42am
Sometimes you just can't win. Why is it that when I feel like I'm doing something right, that will improve myself, and the situation I'm in, there's almost always that person, or persons, that get upset and act like I couldn't have done a worse thing if I tried. It sucks the most when the person you upset is the one person that you care for more than any other in the world.
I'll never be good enough.

2-21
8:29pm
It's strange how things happen sometimes. I ran into a guy this afternoon that I've only seen a few times, and don't really know too well. In fact, I havn't actually spoken to him for more than a year now, although I've seen him from accross the room several times. Barely recognise the guy at all, now. For whatever reason, though, he recognised me. As I was walking twards the gym today I walked right by him, thinking... mmm... that guy looks kinda familiar... a moment later I hear "hey" I turn around, and a short conversation commences. As it turns out, he remembered that he had seen me at church several times, and wanted to know if I'd like to go to a Bible study that is going on here. So, instead of going to the gym today, I met with about ten men and studied part of Mathew for about an hour. As I sat down to eat dinner a few minutes later, the chaplin and three other men joined me. I think I have alot that I can learn from these men. Most are fathers, and all, the best that I can see, are good christain men. So for the first time in all my deployments, I have not only a church service that I can attend, but a daily Bible study. How cool is that? I'm pretty excited, and I look forward to learning and growing.

2-20
9:17pm
It seems sometimes like everyone else in the world views me as the same idiot that I see in me. Is it strange if I talk about something that I'm passionate about and the person I'm talking to doesn't even hear a word I say. It's like people have some sort of sixth sense about when I actually care about the words coming out of my mouth, or more importantly, the ideas behind them, and completely ignore my opinions. It seems like every opinion in the world is acceptable except for mine. I make these complaints about no specific individual, but the general population of people I know. Although I have the most experiances of this nature with casual acuaintances, it is not rare for me to feel this way about the people I love as well.
it's funny. we don't really ever listen nearly as much as we talk. and when we do listen, do we really listen, or do we just hear? I guess I'm guilty of this, too, although I think that I'm much better about it in the last few years than I was back in high school and before.
lets move on
that all just kinda came out when I started writng. I had planned to talk more about Claire and the baby, ect., but I guess i just needed to let that out.
I'm rather frustrated at the moment. It's a boy. yay. that's about all i know for sure now. we had a name picked out for both a boy and a girl, although I wasn't sure about the girl's name. all of a sudden, Claire is telling me that she wants me to forget we even considered Milo as a name, saying it absolutally won't happen. Paxton, or maybe Jefferson would be better says she. WHAT? where did this crap come from? what kind of names are those? okay, so you suddenly don't like Milo. I can deal with that, I'm a little confused, but I've been out of the country for a while and we havn't gotten to talk much, so okay, people's opinions change. it just seems like a drastic change in opinion. whatever names claire's mom suggests are suddenly great. I search the internet every chance I get, looking for a name that I think would be good. I mention the ones I like the best, only to be shot down without a second's thought and given outragouse suggestions in their place. arg.
I'm frustrated. I want the best for my wife. I want the best for my child. I want the best for my family. heck, I wouldn't even mind if my share of things went decently well. But we can't always have what we want, can we? Claire can't work unless we put the baby in daycare. I understand that Claire wants to work, and I honestly have no problem with her working. On the other hand, I DO NOT want my kid raised in a daycare. I feel like as parents we have a responsability to that child to provide it with the best home possible, not being taken care of by some stranger in a room with thirty other kids that got dumped off by parents that are too busy to care. I wish I could solve the dilema by staying at home with the baby myself, but let's face it, at this time that's imposible, and it will continue to be for at least another year and a half. arg.

2-18
2:57pm (here)
I'm gonna have a son! How cool/scary is that, huh? now we just come to the name debate... which I have a feeling is going to be a long debate, unfortunatally. I've been pretty down the last few days, but after talking to Claire this morning and getting some sleep, I'm starting to feel alot better. I'm really anxious to get back home, see my new house and be with Claire again.

2-15
way am.
do you realise how frustrating it is to be overseas and have the opportunity to get online only to find out that the server won't let you check your e-mail? this is crap, man. regardless, I'm still excited... by the end of tomarrow I may know if I'm going to have a boy or a girl. if that's not cause for excitement, i don't know what is. I miss Claire alot and I'm really frustrated that I can't be there with her. it looks like I'll be back in the states earlier than I thought before. Possibly even by my birthday, although I doubt it. but whatever happens, i can't wait to get back home... and see my home for the first time since Claire moved last week... and see everyone again. I miss you all, but especially Claire. I may update this more while I'm here if my e-mail continues to not work.

10-1
4:04pm
it feels like a rainy day today, but instead, it's beautifull outside. I don't get it. I'm feeling quite dissinterested in just about everything at the moment, and at the same time, i'm bored out of my mind.
I've had alot on my mind recently. I'm stressed about pretty much every area of my life right now. I guess on the pluss side, all the various things I've been thinking about have cause me to dream alot recently, which is nice since I really like dreams, but also not quite so good, since some of the dreams have been not so great, or bring up things I thought that I dealt with already, and they make me wonder about things again.
I'm a looser. I want to go ahead and apoligise to every one for living in a hole for the past few months. the past week or two it's mostly been because I'm trying to get a new cell phone and I wanted to wait untill I had the new number so I could let you all know, but I still don't have a new phone, and now I'm just a jerk. I miss you all alot, and I'm really looking foreward to being home again soon.
I'm gonna make an effort to post stuff here more than once a month, but you all know how that goes.

9-4
8:23pm
change is in the air (as usual, huh?). Thanks to some extent to Claire and some other stuff I decided that I need to 'get things together.' this really covers a vast scope of things... pretty much almost every area of my life. Its hard to explain really, in fact its even a little hard to define well in my head, but the basic idea is I need to stop 'being a chicken' as someone called it. I've always been hesitant in new situations, which is no big deal, but I think that maybe on a deeper level its something to do with being scared of change. sometimes if I really need to get something done, I'll put it off indefinatally just because it will put me in a situation where I'm not totally sure of myself or my enviroment. I guess to some extent it's just 'growing up'... I need to start taking responsability in areas where I used to feel helpless. Better to try something and look stupid but get it done, than just not getting it done, right? and on a spiritual level I need to start consistantly spending time with God, and start living my life the right way. this is all a little overwhelming at times, and I'm really not sure how this is all going to happen. but the desire is there, so I guess that's a start. hopefully the rest will follow.
To top it all off, i'm now a bad person. I was getting so angry at Leon (claire's dog) while chasing it around her apartment building last night for like the fifth time around midnight trying to get it to go back inside. anyways, to make a short story a little shorter, in my rage I was able to catch up with him in a corner. I was about to go in 'for the kill' (picking him up) when he dodged to the side.... just as my foot was coming down. I don't know if you've ever heard a dog in lots of pain, but it's not a nice sound. and it's loud. Luckily, Clair's step-dad is a vet, so we got him looked at right away. I got the call at around noon today with the official news. NO I didn't kill her dog! jesh you people are harsh! anyway, the leg that we though might be broken wasn't, so I guess I just gave him a good squashing. what he neeeded was a good whack on the behind, but I guess I gave him something to think about. and in the meantime I feel really horrible.... especially since while it was happening all I really wanted to do was play kickball with him and score a home run. but alls well that ends well, and now every one just thinks i'm a bad person.

8-6
1:57pm
quite possibly the worst part of crime is the feeling of helplasness inflicted on others. what are you supposed to do about it, especially when it's not a crime directly against you, but at someone you love. theres a big part of me that wants to set everything right, to take away the pain and injury, and to bring justice to the criminal. but I can't. I guess life can't go so great forever without a few bumps.
on a brighter note, it looks like I'll be off to Atlanta with Claire this weekend to do some of the cool stuff they have up there. should be fun. actually, let me set that strait - it will be fun... I'll be with Claire! there's really no way around having a good time when we're together. and lets face it, much to my surprise at first, I love her. I feel like I shoulda gone through some destructive relationships first or something, ya know? a relationship or two that just failed miserably. but instead, I got involved with Claire. Lucky me!

7-22
12:40am
White boys were never meant to dance salsa. that is a fact.
The night turned out pretty well. After the dance class we ended up at this coffe shop (with great coffee!) that had a guy playing his guitar. it was pretty cool being two of like four patrons in the entire place, so we pretty much got to pick all the songs. we even ended up slow dancing a little bit, right there in the coffee shop. It was really nice.
I'm really tired.

7-21
4:30pm
Yoko Kanno is quite possibly one of the greatest musical geniouses of our time, not to mention he's quite possibly one of the only people from japan to ever master western music.
I think I wanna be a professional retiree. ya know, get paid to go on vacation whenever I feel like it, or to stay at home if i feel like that. I could even work a few little dumb jobs here and there if I felt like it.
arn't dreams grand?

2:10am
that girl is amazing. she's always full of awesome ideas for us to do. While she was away this weekend, I did a few little things for her here and there, and although it really didn't matter, I still wondered if she'd even notice. Before we even got back to her house tonight, she handed me a card that said:
"I really do appreciate everything that you do for me! Love, Claire"
I was practically in shock. Its like she knew the exact thing to make me feel loved and to make me happy. the more time I spend with her, the more and more I like her. I'm kinda tired right now, and I can't think too well, otherwise I'd probably go on forever about her.
in other news, Emilie and I are now friends again. yay!
goodnight.

7-20
4:06pm
My mind has been on vacation all day. I've had the desire to do something artistic for the past few days, but I'm frustrated at a lack of ideas for the materials I have to work with, and I'm not sure what I'd really need to fix that problem. My airbrush is broken, too. the stupid thing seems to work when it wants to, and then suddenly quit for no apperrant reason. arg.
I'm listening to :Wumpscut: again.
Claire should be back in town soon. I feel stupid missing her, since we've only been 'together' for about a week, but every time I see a punchbug or a woody it reminds me of how much I like being around her.

7-19
5:26pm
blahhhh.....
my mind is so crowded with thought that it has become completely blank, however that works. I finally got an oil change. I was going to wash my car today, but that plan kinda got shot to pieces. They washed and waxed my car after doing all that car maintinence stuff they did. yay.
Claire found out about this thing yesterday. My immediate thoughts were something like hhhmm... mebbe I should start censoring this thing to avoid any problems of any sort. but then I remembered that I had already made a decision about that when I was thinking of starting this thing. the only thoughts/feelings or whatever that I'm gonna leave out of this are the ones I forget about while I'm writing it. So, hopefully I wont be getting myself into trouble with all this, and heck, mebbe it'll help me stop being a wuss since it'd be much better to bring anything up in conversation rather than dealing with "why didn't you tell me about such and such?"
I'm still going through some mental issues with work. the people I work with can suck all the life and fun out of me at times. it makes going to work, doing my job, and having a good attitude a real challenge sometimes. I keep on realising stuff in the middle of being miserable, though. for instance, while I was picking up those stupid little foam peanut things (I hate those things) a few minutes ago, I was griping to myself about how it was a saturday and I was supposed to be off of work and the only person that should be picking them up should be the jerk-face that made the mess in the first place, instead of me, while the people that shoulda been helping me were either a few feet away working on their cars or off in town somewhere. Then I realised that in all reality I wasn't off of work because in essence, I signed over every minute of my life for a four year duration over to the army, and I should be gratefull that I've had so much time off, and in all reality, I'm getting paid to hang out with my friends and whatever else I wanna do when I'm off of work.
I guess somewhere deep inside of me there's something that kinda drives me to do the right thing no matter what. not that I always do, but I've kinda got this natural tendancy to do all the stuff noone else will. kinda.... i dunno if I'm really explaining it all very well at all so i'm gonna kinda stop here.
Claire's siter just gave birth to a monster of a kid the other day, so she left this morning for huntsville. how strange: a weekend by myself... now I can put off doing all the stuff I always say I'm gonna do just like in the good ol days, instead of having a half valid excuse. while we were talking the other night she compared herself to a pineapple - all prickly and thick skinned on the outside layer, but soft and sweet on the inside. I'd honestly have to say that she's pretty accurate on that one. sometimes it's hard to get past the prickly outside, especially now. it's funny how things have changed - things that I wouldn't have thought twice about before suddenly hurt. I mean, we're constantly making fun of each other, and I'm cool with that, and it's no biggie, but every once in a while she'll say something that just stings... and it's like... she's just joking.. i think... i hope... i guess the more you care for someone the greater ability they have to hurt you. anyway, all this talk is making it sound like things are bad, which is not the case at all. on the contrary, for the most part, things are great. I always have tons of fun when we're together. this morning her cat laid down on her shoulder, and when she got up there was black hair all over her arm. we laughed for like five minutes strait at her 'manly arm hair'. guess you had to be there....
Vans Warped Tour on this coming Wed. too bad I'LL BE IN THE FIELD!!!! argh, why can't my life be planned around the things I want to do?
wow that was a long ramble.

7-15
3:33pm
Steven's good, intellectual, safe plan for how his relationships should go:
- become friends with a girl, and find out enough about her and her personality, ect., to decide if she's really worth dating in the first place
- if the girl is "dateable material," drop some hints that you're interested in her and look for signs that she's interested in you.
- you're both good friends, and both like each other, understanding the risks and whatnot, you begin a 'relationship'
- take it slow. you've got the rest of your life ahead of you - there's no need to rush into things.

good plan, I think. relitivly safe, not likely to get you into too much trouble, ect. The plan was to follow the plan. the first few parts of that plan went very well, I think. then we come to the last one. I'm still trying to fuigure out if mebbe I was just dreaming or something.... but at this point I'm so tired that I'm not so sure how much of today was reality. I'm gonna go take a nap, and then jump out of an airplane.

7-14
3:13pm
Well, the good news is, I'm pretty sure I've got a good grip on what's going on with Claire and I. although I'm still basically clueless about what's going on with her... very complex girl, she is. so, yeah, I have a girlfriend now... who-da thunk, eh? I'm still kinda trying to let it all sink in. It's all kinda scary in a way. I'm all scared of ever hurting anyone ever again. I think alot of times I also feel like I'm just good enough at things to make people notice me.... just in time so that they can see me fail, so I guess I'm scared of failure, in relationships, too. i guess it's time to get over my fears and just hope for the best.

7-12
11:55pm
what a day!I'm really tired, so this'll be quick. the zoo was tons of fun. I'm really glad that I had the chance to go. I really like hangning out with Claire, but as I said before, it's a very confusing relationship. hopefully I'll have it all fuigured out soon.
due to some strange events today, the music of the day is MILEMARKER, which is silly becaus moost of the time i hate them, but today they hit the spot just right

1:55am
confusion sets in.
first off, I suck. I shoulda taken my car in today, but I didn't wake up till one and then got distracted with my synthesiser and othe random stuff in my room untill like five, and it was too late.
plans for the night got thrown for a loop. I thought I was gonna hang out with Allison, but it turned out she was going out with some other guy, so I ended up going to a little league game with Claire for a while, then watching Ghost World. good movie. I'm pretty confident that my relationship with Claire is one of the strangest relationships I've ever had.... yup, definatally strange...
anyway, that and there's the wierd situation of work... I'm actually working again, and with all the physical activity that involves, it's a good stress reliever, and I'm happy to be actually earning my paycheck.. on the other hand, work is a huge source of stress, especially now that we're working, since it means more natural work-stress, and then the added stress of not having as much free time for other stuff. there's so much I wanna do, and so many ideas for things that I think I just need like an extra fifteen hours every day. on the other hand, i'd probably waste it on worthless stuff, once again proving that I suck.
I still have yet to go more than about a month of having a daily personal bible study.
I'm so worried about relatoinships back home too. mebbe it's all in my head, I don't know. I had tentitivly planning on going back to Orlando for a while after I get done with the army. I think I need to decide how much of that is because i like orlando and how much of it is because I have friends there. orlando may be the wrong answer.
I feel like I need to do something.

7-8
4:24pm
busy, busy week. did another jump last night, then hit up steak'n shake with some of the guys. good times, good times. the rest of the week promises more late nights of training, and even a day or two in the field. I'm going through 'the purpose driven life' again, and I'm trying to fuigure out what I'm gonna do about the days when I'll be in the field. to I bring the book with me and hope for time to read it, while risking exposing it to rain, ect., or should I just wait a few days till I read over the next chapter. decisions, decisions.
I'm having tons of fun with my synthesizer, and I'm working on getting it hooked up to my computer. mebbe one day I'll have a tune in the background or something. speaking of which, I'm trying to decide on what to do with the website. Seeing as how I havn't been updating it so much recently, and noone really ever looks at it anyway, I'm trying to decide whether it's even worth thinking about working on. I may just downsize it, and go more with a more'i'm trying to be like seth and peter with my super suave website about me, exept i have no real web-building skill' take on things. mebbe not, though. mebbe I'll get motivated, and find some time and actually do all the stuff I've been saying I'd do for like a year now. I'm really not sure what's gonna happen. I'll think about it for a while and let ya'll know.

7-6
10:10pm
well, my plans for the day were shot down pretty quick. My plans for the day: pick up claire, go to sunday school and church, have some lunch, watch the princess bride with claire, then go home and fiddle with my new synthesizer (yes, i did just say that... I ROCK!) untill late at night when I'd clean my room just before going to bed. How my day actually went: picked up claire, went to sunday school (killer discussion this morning!), went to big church (sermon was horrible!), ate some mexican food, went on an "adventure" trying to find some guy's house who had made a wall made of rubbish and when we finally found it we saw that the city had torn it down and it was nothing exciting at all (we did see an awesome red roof, though!, which amost made up for the dissapointment), we then went to the columbus meuseam (pretty cool!), then watched the princess bride, then I went to dinner with claire and her mom, then went for a walk with them both, took claire home, and now... it's now. wow. so.. nothing like I expected at all! but hey, that doesn't mean it was bad, if fact, I'm quite pleased with how it all turned out. I wish i had more days that turned out so well.

7-3
12:17pm
nothing has changed.... yet everything has changed. I just found out that emilie and kevin got engaged. needless to say, it was hard news for me to take. for some reason it's strange to think that less than a year ago I was in that same situation. I suppose this is all good for me, since it definatally sends out the message to me that there's no hope of us ever being together, although I already knew that. and the point was made all the more evident when I found out that she didn't even want to be my friend anymore. oh, well. such is life I guess. I think one of the most confusing things for me is how is it that after nine months, she's moved on to the point where she can get engaged again, but I'm still struggling to be at the point where I think I might actually date someone else at some point in my life.
and aside from all that, I still genuinly care for her as a person (which made it hurt soooo bad when she said that she didn't even want to be my friend) and I just hope that she's making the right choice. Aside from my point of view, if I look at it all from an outside perspective, she was with this guy steven for five years, got engaged, and then broke up with him. a few weeks later, she's dating another guy, and less than a year later, she's engaged. Either she's in trouble soon, or she just happened to meet a guy soo increadable that it made the rest of her life dull in comparison. I really hope it's the second.
this last part, i'm not gonna go into too much detail on, but here it goes. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks, really. I've lost most of my friends back home, and in more senses than one. I'm not sure the extent of it, because they are very reluctant to talk to me about it, but the world is closing in. I was lucky. while I was in school my friends were for the most part kids that also went to my church, so even though we were a tad bit crazy, to some extent, we were all the 'innocent' kids. to me, that was part of the appeal of these friends, it was something we had in common. like I said, since they're reluctant to talk to me about it, i don't know the extent of it all, but I've been really getting the feeling that we no longer have that in common so much. mebbe that's part of the problem now, mebbe it's not, but in addition to that, which concerns me greatly, I feel like I've been loosing them as friends, as well. I don't know what it is, really, but since coming home on leave, communication has had a sharp drop off, and I feel like even when we do talk, it's all different somehow. mebbe I'm just crazy.

7-1
9:57pm
well, i just got back from seeing the matrix reloded for the second time. I think I'm gonna have to go see it one more time before I feel like I'm not gonna catch anymore stuff. here's what I'm thinking from watching it this time. The whole entire movie takes place inside the matrix. I could be wrong about this, but I think there's more layers to this whole thing than we think there are. I'm kinda thinking at the moment that what we percieve to be 'reality', ie zion, ect., is actually still a part of the matrix. I havn't quite decided. I'm also tempted to start guessing that Neo is a program. maybe, maybe not, i'm really just kinda going out on.. more of a twig than a limb on that one... anyway, watching the movie a second time reaffirmed my thoughts that it was indeed an excelent movie despite the fact that it wasn't quite as good as the first. the credits were way too long, as well.

2:30am
the ten mile run turned out to be five, although we did run up cardiac hill a few times. waking up to a rainy night was not a good way to start off, but it turned out to be a blessing. by the time we started, it was alot cooler outside, and the rain had subsided. Its kinda funny how God blesses us in the strangest situations. all in all, i'm actually glad that we did this. It kinda reafirmed some things that I've been thinking about recently. I think there's alot of personal improvement i need to do. mebbe not even that in some cases, to some extent, it's going back in certain areas to how i used to be. I've changed alot in the past year or two, somewhat on purpose, and some stuff just kinda happened. I think that in trying to get rid of some negitive things about me, I left behind some good things, as well. it's time to chase those good things back down, and incorporate them into me again. it's also time to get back on the right track with God. it's been too long since the last time i read my Bible away from church.

6-30
4:36pm
Optimism flows as I learn that I'll be doing a ten mile run at midnight, with no water, while wearing body armour and a gas mask. ain't life grand?

"It's uphill
both ways
tomarrow I swear I won't act this way
I know it seems like that is what I always say"
-pedro the lion                        
there's so much more to the song, but i don't really feel like typing it all out. regardless of this whole army situation, that song is pretty close to how i feel about life at the moment (meaning the past few days, weeks... actually most of my life...).

8:24am
feeling a little bit better this morning, looks like it might turn out to be a decent day, after all.

6-29
8:04pm
good god, im an idiot. why can't i ever really pay attention to anyone? why am i so consistantly dissinterested in everything? why can i never finish anything i start? my world isn't falling apart, just me, if that makes any sense.
I made a little fingerpainting thing earlier, trying to depict my mood. i'm not sure if it really worked.
I wanna just go to bed, but i know that if i do that, i'll just have to face work all the sooner (in my mind, anyway). it's so stupid. some jerk got arrested for a hit-and-run yesterday, and i think there may have been alchohol involved. for some reason this means that we're all in trouble, so we're going on a five mile gas mask run tomarrow. I guess i shoulda known that he was gonna do it, so i coulda gone to his room and knocked him out before he had the chance, huh? screw the army.

5:38pm
I don't know if it was the rain, or what, but I got in my car after the movie, and it smelled like her. I dunno what is going on. looking back, she wasn't perfect or even what I would have invisioned as like my "dream girl", yet somehow, i just can't get over her. I miss her every day as it is, but this was just like tourture. i just wanted to stop the car in a parking lot somewhere and just cry, but you can't do that with someone else in the car with you, huh? this is so stupid. it took her like a week before she found someone else. me, on the other hand... I'm really tring to be interested in other girls, but it's just not working.
how did I manage to screw it all up? im so stupid sometimes.


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