Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Oscar Wilde

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. (The Critic as Artist)

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it. (The Critic as Artist)

Anybody can write a three-volume novel. It merely requires a complete ignorance of both life and literature. (The Critic as Artist)

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Don't talk about action... Its basis is the lack of imagination.It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream. (The Critic as Artist)

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. (Lady Windemere's Fan)

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. (The Importance of being Earnest)

How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say. (A Woman of No Importance)

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. (An Ideal Husband)

I am not young enough to know everything.

I can resist everything except temptation. (Lady Windermere's Fan)

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. (The Importance of Being Earnest)

I love acting. It is so much more real than life. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. (Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young)

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs for ever and ever. (The Soul of Man under Socialism)

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But on the other hand, no one is more ready than I am to acknowledge that it is better to be good than to be ugly. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

Dougla Adams

In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get *there*. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea...

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss.

It is not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79...

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

Plenty of people did not care for him much, but then there is a huge difference between disliking somebody -- maybe even disliking them a lot -- and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own laws.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to.

Very deep. You should send that into Reader's Digest, they've got a page for people like you.

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.

I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much, of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

If you don't change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.

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