Jim Brokaw here, son of the famous Tim Brokaw, who was the second illegitimate test-tube baby of the late Tom Brokaw. I'm reporting live at the lavishly appointed ALTAiR estate, where apparently the last remaining band member lives a hermit's life. At a sprightly 241 years old, he has released such popular titles as "Op.t67" and the still unpronouncable "xxklntrg." As we all know, ALTAiR's music has been deemed the most mathematically complex music on Earth, with subtle undertones and nebulous overtones that defy reasonable study. Zedx86, as he now calls himself, has agreed to an old-fashioned holographic interview, provided that no neural replicators or genetic imagers are used. It will be recorded in the classic 3 dimensions as opposed to the customary 12 dimensions we are all used to. A disappointment to some, but a treat nonetheless.

JB: So, you're the last member of the once-great shadowsynth band ALTAiR?

zx86: Yes. It would appear so.

JB: It's been awhile since you released any new tracks. Are you planning on another album?

zx86: Well of course I am! What do I look like, a geezer?

JB: Um, well...

zx86: Shut up. Don't answer that. Is the camera recording?

JB: Uh, yeah. Everyone wants to know---

zx86: What?

JB: They want to know which member you are.

zx86: Huh?

JB: Well, are you Erik or Casey or Aaron?

zx86: Hmm. Oh, hang on. I think my dinner is burning!...

JB: ...

zx86: ...Ok. I'm back. What was it you wanted again?

JB: You cook?

zx86: Uh...

JB: With all this money, you don't have butlers and stuff?

zx86: Yeah, but they never can get things right, so I do it myself.

JB: So why are they here?

zx86: They're not. I fired them all this morning. I still keep the maids around though.

JB: Oh, because you hate cleaning...

zx86: No, I clean all the time.

JB: Ah, I see. So are you Aaron?

zx86: You see, when it gets dusty, I break out this duster and go to work.

JB: Uh, huh. Erik?

zx86: Sometimes, the dust gets so thick I have to scrape it off with a knife.

JB: Casey?

zx86: Is this still the interview? I'm a busy man.

JB: Sorry, it's just a burning question...

zx86: About like my rapidly cooling dinner.

JB: Sorry, have I come at a bad time?

zx86: Oh, you mean there's a good time to be interrogated?

JB: Sorry. It's just that everyone is wondering who you really are.

zx86: They do?

JB: Sure. There have been official government studies on the subject.

zx86: Gee, they didn't have to waste their money. Obviously I'm Zedx86.

JB: Come on. What was your name when you were with the T-Town crew?

zx86: I'm not sure I follow.

JB: Well, back in the day, ALTAiR consisted of three members: Erik, Casey, and Aaron. There wasn't a "Zedx86."

zx86: Sure there was.

JB: No there wasn't!

zx86: You don't think I know my own band's history? Jeeves, show this man the door. Jeeves? Oh yeah, I fired him.

JB: Look, I flew all the way from Earth to find out the truth, and I'm not leaving without it!

zx86: Ahh, ok. Fine. You pried it outta me...

JB: So?

zx86: Well, back in the summer of '69... 2069 that is, after we'd all saved the universe umpteen times, and after our clones were FINALLY destroyed, ALTAiR decided to take a long-deserved vacation.

JB: Uh-huh...

zx86: Yeah, so we flew to Europa, and on the way wrote the coolest 5 hour version of Carlos Santana's song by the same name...

JB: Really?

zx86: Unfortunately it still remains unreleased. Anyways, we were flying there, when we encountered this huge rift. One exactly like the rift we sealed way back when.

JB: How could anybody forget...?

zx86: So out of the rift came another ship.

JB: Another ship?

zx86: Another ship. It was our future selves. Well, they weren't exactly our FUTURE selves, they were the selves that went into the rift first, who were exchanged with our past selves who actually opened the rift, but were accidentally swapped with our present-tense selves in the past before the future we know now.

JB: Huh? I---

zx86: I'm not done yet. You see, the selves, the ones we met en route to Europa, had come to warn us not to enter the rift we were about to encounter. Of course we explained the rift was old news. Our selves naturally became enraged, since they had intentionally trapped themselves just to warn us. They were pissed that they had missed all the glory for nothing.

JB: Wow!

zx86: Well at this point we told ourselves, well, the other selves, to quit whining like little 'N Sync babies. We probably should not have done that.

JB: What happened?

zx86: They killed us.

JB: WHAT!!??!

zx86: Yeah, blew us to bits.

JB: No way!

zx86: Way. But here's where it gets interesting. A really nasty paradox was generated. Basically, a black hole of ALTAiR was formed.

JB: Wha...

zx86: It was so powerful that it sucked all past, present, and future ALTAiRs into it. Well, as everybody knows, black holes deposit their remains into heaven and hell.

JB: Oh? Like in the movie?

zx86: Yeah, we ened up in heaven. It was a total disaster. I mean, God was not very happy.

JB: God? For real?

zx86: Yeah, God is a pretty relaxed guy, until you get Him riled up. Like by dropping a thousand thousand ALTAiRs into heaven. So He gave us a choice. We could either stay there and miss out on all the future glory, or we could go back as one single entity, to avoid "cluttering heaven" as God put it.

JB: So you chose to come back?

zx86: Nah, heaven is actually a bad-ass kind of place. We decided to stay. We had earned it.

JB: I don't understand. Aren't you ALTAiR?

zx86: Yup.

JB: So how...

zx86: Oh yeah, after awhile they all got together and built me.

JB: Huh? You're a robot?

zx86: Not exactly. You see, they couldn't stand the thought of not having any synths, so the Eriks got together and reverse-engineered the human race.

JB: It doesn't surprise me.

zx86: Yeah. I am the AMD of humanity. The ALTAiRs endowed me with all their knowledge, then they managed to rebuild a mini rift and toss me through.

JB: So why are you still here?

zx86: Well, God got word of the goings-on, and busted out a can of whoopass.

JB: He beat them up?

zx86: No. He had a can of that popular drink from the early 2000's. Then He made ALTAiR seal the rift permanently. Of course, they had no choice.

JB: Wow! So you can't get back?

zx86: Well, since I posess the entirety of ALTAiR's knowledge and skill, I have been working on a way...

JB: How?

zx86: I can't talk about it. God is always listening. He might foil my plans again.

JB: Again?

zx86: Oh yeah, I've been at this a long time. But I'll keep trying, so I can get them the synths they deserve.

JB: Well, this concludes the interview. The real ALTAiR is stuck in heaven, and a clever gestalt duplicate remains. It sure does look grim for the future of ALTAiR...