Pope John Paul II (still alive thanks to newly developed cybernetic implants) announced today that the world's most powerful band, ALTAiR, would now and forever more be the Roman Catholic Church's only form of music to be played. Apparently, the Pope got ahold of a copy of ALTAiR's music while travelling abroad. Some say it was fate, others belive it was LOGiSTiCS Records' PR man who tossed a copy into the Pope's armoured vehicle. The world may never know. But either way, Johnnie had a go with the album, and became so enamored with the groovy synth rhythms that he declared such music could only come from God Himself. ALTAiR refused to comment, stating that perhaps some of their inspiration came from a visit to the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope in Arizona (it's real, look it up!). A taped CNN interview with the Pope follows.

CNN: So you're really serious about these ALTAiR guys?

PJP2: *Spurt* *Bzzt* Yes. The band known as *Fzzt* ALTAiR is the greatest source of holy music ever to walk the earth. *Mkrtk*

CNN: Hmm. Well, aren't there a lot of other bands out there who play actual Christian music? Wouldn't they be better candidates?

PJP2: *ibzzzzp* There are other bands who play *kssssh* Christian music. But I've been thinking of late, especially since I became a *bnntkz* cyborg. *click* Maybe the Catholic world is too set in the old ways. I mean, ya know, the pipe organs and *bzzkt* choirs and stuff. It can get all very samey and boring. I figured it was time for a *cheeshk* change.

CNN: Yeah, I guess you're right. But after listening to ALTAiR myself, I found that some of their songs are about evil things. Things like killing, atomic apocalypse, N'Sync, and Darth Vader. What do you have to say about that?

PJP2: *hisst* *bleep* *pop* Hmm. Well you have to represent the evil if you're talking about the *clickt* good stuff. It's a yin-yang sort of thing, you know. Most bands are just all evil or all good. That's not fair. There's no *bloop-blip* balance there, just one side. *clicka-clicka-clicka-clak*

CNN: Well, in that light, it makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. Oops. I mean heck.

PJP2: *chitty-chit* That's alright. Sometimes I slip up and say shit too.

CNN: Wow, the music of ALTAiR really seems to have humanized you.

PJP2: *pop* Hey, you'd get rowdy too if you have to spend all your *bzdeep* days locked behind bullet-proof glass! Yeah, and I've been thinking about this whole sex thing lately as well...

CNN: And?

PJP2: ... ... *bzzzt* Oh, I've just been thinking about it.

CNN: Uh, sure. Anyways, so I hear you are requiring all Catholic churches to play only ALTAiR. Has anyone had a problem with that?

PJP2: *mmmmrktik* Heh, yeah. But we have ways of changing their minds...

CNN: ...

PJP2: ... Oh. So anyways, ALTAiR will be touring with me from now on, performing at various locations throughout the world, ya know, helping me spread the good Word of God. *clicketty-click*

CNN: Really? That sounds interesting. That "air guitar" gesture you just made indicates that you yourself might be performing too?

PJP2: *beep* Well, I don't want to get a big head. I've been practicing my beat-boxing quite a bit. I'm pretty good now I think. BOOM CHICK BOOM BOOM CHICK TICKETTA TICKETTA BOOM ... BOOM BOOM. *fzzt* What do you think?

CNN: Wow! That's awesome! I never thought I'd see the Pope beat-boxing!

PJP2: Yeah, baby. Believe it! *pahzzzzit*

CNN: Well folks, you saw it here first! This concludes our interview. Tomorrow, we talk with Martha Stewart's holographic ghost about how to decorate your little space in heaven. Good night.

PJP2: Yeah dudes. *bleep* *blork* Keep it real...