In today's news, the members of ALTAiR met at their black castle in Scotland to announce their collective decision. In one week's time, they will each conceive a child. Scientists and doctors around the world stand shocked, as this has never been attempted before. With all of the band members nearing 150 years, it would seem to be impossible. That is, until doctors examined their sperm count, and found it was off the charts!

"We've never seen anything like this! It would appear to be a miracle!" one physician said after viewing the results.

But according to ALTAiR, it is no miracle at all, but the result of a century and a half of masturbation. Apparently, the band has been following an ancient Jewish doctrine outlined in a highly controversial translation of the Kabballah. Very little could be found regarding the validity of this statement, but ALTAiR assures us it is true.

"We spent much of our younger years masturbating, and noticed a striking phenomenon. Not only did we become more virile over time, but we also gained a great deal of control over our sex drives. So we decided to go digging for answers." said Casey in an interview shortly following the announcement.

Erik followed up with this statement, "After years of research, I finally discovered an obscure notation in a rare translation of the Kabballah, which basically says that 'self-stimulation is the gateway to eternity.' Well, after re-translating the Kabballah myself, I determined that the statement is indeed original."

"Yeah, it's also a great excuse for all those times my parents walked in on me..." added Aaron. "But it's not just an excuse, though. As you can see, even at 150, I can shoot my load further than anyone!"

As unlikely as it sounds, the truth is, ALTAiR is just as sexually precocious as ever. Tune in at 5:00 for more information, and footage of the doctor's examination and response!