"We found a reference to the Key in the Necronomicon, which everyone knows is a blatant hoax. Well, as far as destorying God and such, it is. But after some lengthy research into the original text, I discovered that the book is, in fact, part of Satan's shopping list, which has been cleverly disguised to stump the lonely teenagers who would read it. It's really a simple form of encryption. If you take the first letter of every word, once it is translated into Yiddish, then record it onto a record, then play it backwards, the truth is revealed," Stated Erik, the band's Honcho of Hipness.

"Yeah, it was really easy. I mean, the hard part was diggin' it out of the ice. Erik here had a back-hoe, and all he gave me was a lame ass pick axe. Man, I was pickin' for days!" Added Playa-Hata Aaron.

Casey, ALTAiR's King of Korrution, then said, "The discovery was minimized by the fact that the Key wasn't anything too special. It was a regular old house key on a keychain labeled 'HELL, FRONT DOOR.' It was pretty stupid actually. It even had cliche skull emblems. We almost thought it was a joke, man."

But it seems that the key was not a joke. When ALTAiR acquired the Key, they contacted their corporate headquarters and had a helicopter sent over to pick them up. They flew straight to Detroit, where the door to Hell sat locked for centuries. As they did when they unearthed the alien-summoning tablet, the three guys from Tacoma simultaneously held aloft the Key in front of the door. After a brief flash of light, and swirling souls, a small, but noticeable doorknob appeared. Since Aaron did most of the digging, ALTAiR decided to let him have the honor of unlocking the door.

Aaron stepped up the dusty staircase and pushed the Key into the weathered knob. Screams of horror emanated from within the door, but it didn't matter. They had come this far. Grasping the cobweb-encrusted handle, Aaron turned with all his strength. But it wasn't enough. As usual, the full might of ALTAiR was needed to complete the task. The trio placed their hands on the knob, and the door magically opened. Withered, tormented souls poured forth from the opening, and flew off into the night. ALTAiR pulled the door, and it grudgingly creaked open. The three Masters of Music stepped boldly through the gateway to Hell.

Shortly before the door was unlocked, ALTAiR was interviewed once again. Their opinionated statements follow.

CNN: So what exactly is the purpose of your actions? What do you intend to gain?

ERIK: Well, really all we want it to expand our reach. Ya know, we're already famous here on Earth, and we thought, hell, we have this virtually untapped market full of an eternity of listeners. Captive listeners.

CASEY: Our plan is to exchange the Key for a spot on Hell's muzak system. We've heard accounts that it's real boring. Mostly polka and zydeco. Yeah, we could probably make a killing in there.

CNN: Have you thought about talking to God? Maybe there's room for ALTAiR in Heaven.

AARON: Oh yeah, we're guaranteed a place in Heaven. The problem is, if your music doesn't directly glorify God, well, they don't want it.

ERIK: It seems like a crock to me, 'cause like, if your Human, and you make music, aren't you glorifying God anyways? Yeah, it's all politics there.

CASEY: We've been praying FOREVER to get a spot in Heaven, but the Holy Ghost keeps coming on, saying God isn't available. I think our only in is going to be Jesus.

CNN: Sounds fairly messed up. So aren't you guys afraid you'll get trapped in Hell?

ERIK: Nah, we've dealt with old Princey many times, and he's proven to be a big pussy. He doesn't do anything any more. All he does is order minions around. He's getting pretty fat, actually.

AARON: And since we have the key to Hell, we can leave any time we want. We even made a copy just in case.

CNN: How do you intend to add to your already enormous fortune through Hell? Do they use US Dollars there?

CASEY: Not really, although I'm told you can find dollars there. We are more interested in owning property. I mean, yeah, Hell is depreciating all the time, what with all the torture going on. But if we can get ahold of some of that prime real estate, we can build stuff there.

ERIK: The laws in Hell are very lax. They tend to let anything fly. The best part is, no mortal can bother you there. You just have to watch out for demons.

CNN: Demons?

AARON: Yeah, they're all over, pesky dickheads. We figure we can keep them out with a wall of Billy Graham pictures. And a holy water moat. That'll teach them...

CASEY: Well, actually, we have a contract already made up to acquire a portion of the demon workforce while we're there. It's time to make those bastards work for a change. No more lazy stuff like scaring people.

CNN: It seems you have everything figured out.

ERIK: Yup, we covered all the bases. We plan to slip unnoticed through Hell by wearing these Government Official masks. As you can see, I have a Clinton mask already.

AARON: ...And I have a generic Tax Collector mask, complete with foreclosure paperwork.

CASEY: Yeah, I thought of going as Nixon, but that's already played out. They would see right through it. So I picked up this mask of Benny Hinn.

CNN: But he's not a government official!

CASEY: Shows what you know...

Well, we will keep you posted on the further events in today's news. Check back soon.