A few jokes...

The neighbourhood's most notorious tippler making his way unsteadily
homeward, encountered the parish priest, who inquired about the
suspicious
bulge in his coat pocket.

"It's holy water, Father," the culprit protested piously.

The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that it
contained whisky.

"Glory be," cried the drunk. "A miracle!"

HOW TO TRAVEL WITH THE KIDS
_____________________________

- Instead of singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall," you
drink 'em.

- During the school year, keep them up at night so that they
fail and get held in summer school.

- Pretend to pass out at the wheel, weaving erratically.

- Blindfold the children and tell them that you're taking them
to the "Batcave."

- Sit them back-to-back, facing away from one another, and go
to town with the duct tape.

- Make them eat a whole turkey and let the tryptophan kick in.

- You can ship a 40 lb child UPS 2nd day air for around $60.00,
but don't forget the air holes.

- When you get on the plane, ask your child if he or she
remembered to pack their parachute.

- Tell your kids that if they're extra-good, they get to ride
in the "trunk seat."

- For every sugary snack your kid eats, take a Valium pill.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The House Guest

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long
talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their
lives.

Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I've got
a
wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?", asked Larry.

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind our apartment
building. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your
foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then
enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my
name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll
let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door
open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely you're not coming empty-handed."
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Phrases for you to use in an interview,
and what they really mean:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for any mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I am very adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
--------------------------------------------------------
Things you wish you could say at work:

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to
pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks.

----------------------------------------------------------

At The Pearly Gates

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter
Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into
the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes.

The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a
year to cure the poor."

St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out,
"I
am a director of an HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can
enter Heaven...but only under one condition ... "

"What's the condition?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied "That you leave after 2 days."

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready
to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace
of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"
*********************************************
A woman asks her husband: "If I die, will you remarry?"
"Maybe," said the husband.
"You would?" said the wife, looking somewhat hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of
me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed!"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself
with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if
he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes
before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee
off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join
him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He
didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th
fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball -
and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the
old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd
hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I
was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable
worth."

There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."
**************************************************
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.

Realizing his only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became
thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.

Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when
he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.

Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out,
"Water..."

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you
can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With
his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent
and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't
come in here without a tie!"

Compulsion

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He
took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the
surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really
sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how
embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his
problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the
bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated
by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a
good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the
Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then
he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
**************************************************
I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was
watching this one rooster chasing after a hen, when my friend's wife
came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once
and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to
myself, "Damn! I hope I never get that hungry."
****************************************************
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his
eye. It loudly announced, '$500 Porsche! New!'
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a
Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a
joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the
Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure
enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
'Wow!' the man said, 'Can I take it for a test drive?'
'Sure,' answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the
car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's
house, he asked her, 'Why are you selling me this
great Porsche for only $500?'
Then the lady replied with a laugh, 'My husband
just ran off with his secretary, and he told me,
'You can have the house and the furniture, just
sell my Porsche and send me the money.''

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the
house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to
turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some
help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves
little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
doctor's office very pleased with the advice.When they got home, the wife said, 'Dear, will you
please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
won't forget?''Nonsense,' said the husband, 'I can remember a dish of ice cream!'
'Well,' said the wife, 'I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down,
because I know you'll forget.''Don't be silly,' replied the husband.
'A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!'
'OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it
down now. You'll forget,' said the wife.'Come now, my memory's not all that bad,' said the
husband. 'No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.'
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out
pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream,
strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes
later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one
look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, 'Hey, where's the toast?'

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a root beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walked away and sat down with his friends. A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a root beer.

The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. He orders a root beer, again.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Great lines from job evaluations:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change
whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.