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MICHAEL GRANT READ

205 - 377 Powell Street   Vancouver   BC CA   V6A 1G5

mgread@yahoo.ca

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Joax Page



Hits since last Tuesday : Dancing Man courtesy A.C. Doyle



It's all about Mike ... isn't it?


Allow me to introduce myselves.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I meander to the beat of a different drummer.

Macho Law prohibits me from discussing this soix-disant error.

My major is computer programming. Is that order to go?

May I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

But enough about me - which dwarf are you?





A middle-aged man suffers a stroke.

At the hospital he has a near-death experience.

The man sees God and asks, "Am I dead?"

God answers, "No, man. You have 32 years and 1 second left."

With so much more time to live, the man yearns to look younger.

As he recuperates, he has a nose job and a tummy tuck.

He wears contact lenses and dyes his hair.

Leaving the hospital, he is struck dead by a speeding ambulance.

The man sees God again and wails, "You said I had 32 years more. Why didn't you save me?"

God answers, "Sorry, man. I didn't recognize you."



Click Me

Listen up!   Visit my Project for UBC's inaugural MA101 Course



From The Devil's Dictionary, 1911, by Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)


Egotist, n.: a person more interested in himself than in me.


Logic, n.: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations

and incapacities of human understanding.


Love, n.: a temporary insanity curable by marriage.


Mad, adj.: affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.


Mayonnaise, n.: one of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.


Pray, v:. to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf

of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.


Quotation, n.: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.



Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.



Lamer Virus eMail Attack


Achtung - Ich spricht Deutch perfekt

Das ist der Lamer Virus

Du vill forverd deesis Virus von alles der Addrez Book NamenFilen

Du vill eraze alles dem Filen von der FastVerk PlattenSpoolen

Ja, Danke



Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.



Get one NOW!

Click on the FluNix® to visit my UBC Entrepreneurship 101 Project



Punny?


A three-legged dog enters the saloon, limps up to the bar and sez :

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Lame!



I may not be fast, but I'm slow.



On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.



You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard PDA.



At At

Click the pix for a good Rant - or don't



Humane body consist in three party - brainium, borax, abominable cavity.

Branium contain brain; borax contain heart, lung;

abominable cavity contain five bowel, A E I O U.



If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.



Canuck Humour – or – Humour Explained Isn’t



After the Okotoks North American Beer Festival, four brewery presidents go for a drink.
El Jefe dela Cerveza says, “Ola señor, Corona por favor.” The bartender dusts off a bottle.
The A-B chief says, “I’d like The King of Beers”. The bartender gives him a light – no, a Bud Lite.
The Coorsman says, “'I’ll have one made with Rocky Mountain spring water.” He gets a Silver Bullet.
The guy from Molsons says, “Pepsi, please.”
The other brewery presidents give him the double take. The barman asks, “Why don’t you have a Canadian?”
“Nope,” says the Molson prexy, “if the others aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

A guy from Saint John is walking down the street with a case of Moosehead under his arm.
Buddy comes up and asks, “My son, whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” says guy.
“Awesome trade,” says Buddy.

A BCer wanted to switch coasts and become a Newfie. He went to his neurosurgeon.
“Sure, it’s easy,” said the neurosurgeon. “All we to do is remove ¼ of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”
During the operation, the neurosurgeon, high on N2O, cut out ¾ of the BCer’s brain.
As soon as he was conscious, the nurse said, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was an accident.”
The BCer shook his head and replied, “Qu’est-ce que tu as dit, ma soeur?”

Did you hear about the latest battle between Nottawa and Gateau-no?
Senators were lobbing pineapples and bureaucrats were pulling the pins and tossing them back.

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian walked into a pub. They ordered mugs of Labatts.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beer, three blackflies landed, one in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The American fished out the fly and continued drinking.
The Canadian snatched the fly and shook it over his glass, screaming, “Spit it out, you bastard!”

A Quebecer, staying in the Best Western Saskabush, ’phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” yelled the Quebecer.

A Yank, a Scot and a Canuck were hit by a Winnebago. They were all DOA at the hospital.
Just as he was about to be toe-tagged, the American stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the pathologist asked him what happened.
The American said, “I remember the crash, and then a beautiful light,
and then Scotty, Buddy and I were standing at the pearly gates.
St. Peter said we were too young to die and for $50 we could return to life.
I pulled out my wallet and the next thing I know, I’m lying here.”
“Amazing!” said the doctor. “What about the other two?”
The Yankee said, “Scotty was haggling over the price
and Buddy was waiting for the government to pay.”

After a non-violent anti-sovereignty protest,
three contractors bid on repairs to the Rideau Hall fence.
One is from Gateau-no, one from Tranna, one from Hongcouver.
They consult the GG and examine the fence.
The Gateau-no contractor takes out a tape, does some measuring
and writes some figures in pencil on his shirt cuff.
“Bien, I will do zis pour abou’ 900 dollar –
400 pour matérial, 400 pour ma crew et 100 pour moi.”
The Tranna contractor whips out his Craftsman laser rule and enters the data in his Blackberry.
He says, “I can do the work for $700 –
$300 for consumables, $300 for my subcontractor and $100 contingency.”
The Hongcouver contractor doesn't measure or calculate. He whispers to the GG, “$2,700.”
Incredulous, the GG exclaims, “You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How’d you get such a high figure?”
The Hongcouver contractor whispers back,
“$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we let the Hogtowner fix the fence.”
The GG invites him to tea.

Gordon "el Gordo" Campbell visited a primary school class during a discussion about word daffynicians.
Teacher asked if el G would lead on the word 'tragedy'.
A young boy offered, 'If my friend who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him and, like, that's a tragedy.'
'No,' sayd el Gordo, 'that would be an accident.'
A cute girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'Frayed knot,' splained el G. 'That's what we call a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
'Is there anyone else who can give an example of a tragedy?'
Little Johnny raised his hand. 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Campbell was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed el Gordo. 'That's right. Can you tell me WHY that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' said LJ, 'It HAS to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be a FUCKIN ACCIDENT either.'

Susan and Kate - obviously, the Joax on me

Moreover, I am beside myself with laughter

Lost and Confused - Linx may not change colour - 8^7



Where am I?



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