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Stuffing Her Bra Has Whole New Meaning

BEVERLY HILLS, California - You've heard of the Wonderbra, the Miracle Bra, and even the Water Bra , but now comes an undergarment that will stop them cold: the SuperBra. The $30 design is available in black or white, and its unique feature is a holster for a .38 caliber snub-nose revolver. The invent- or, Paxton Quigley, said, "Women like the idea of comfort and its ease of access...If a woman is attacked, the purse is the first thing taken from her. A good place to conceal a weapon is in the chest area." Who can argue with that logic? (I have an idea where she can hide extra bullets.)

Could This Be The Skunkape???

GHAZIBAD, India - "Beware of the Monkey Man" sounds like a title of a new horror movie, but it is an actual cry heard in the streets of Ghazibad, India. Since April 28, more than a dozen people have reportedly been treated in hospitals for fractures or deep scratches caused by this so called monkey- man. Police are being bombarded with phone calls about sightings and attacks by this monkey-man, who some claim is a beast and others a man wearing a rhesus monkey mask. Last week, police arrested a man for wearing a rhesus monkey mask to scare people, however, the attacks and sightings have continued since the suspect's arrest. The latest victim was housewife Shamir Begum, 30, who fainted after she came across the monkey-man prowling on her terrace. When she came to he had gone.

Woman Helps Take a Bite out of Crime

CHICAGO, Illinois - In most self-defense classes, the instructor is likely to tell the students to strike the attacker where it hurts. A 42-year-old Chicago woman took this sentiment one step further. She bit off the testicles of a man who sexually assaulted her and took them to the police headquarters just a short distance away from the attack. Officer Thomas Donegan told reporters, "During the assault, the female victim got the man's testicles in her mouth and bit them off." The attacker went to a local hospital, but reattachment surgery proved futile. The woman was treated at a different facility.

In Japan you can buys hot dogs, condoms, and used women's panties from the vending machines. And perhaps that's something we should adopt here in the U.S. Often while sitting in an airport or shopping somewhere. I've thought to myself, "Golly, I could go for a hot dog and a pair of panties."

Neo-Nazi does Not See

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL - Donald Leroy Evans has been nabbed as the prime suspect for killing a local prostitute. Evans has petitioned the court for two unusual requests. First on the petition agenda was his desire to be allowed to wear the white robes of the KKK. Secondly, Evans wanted to change his name to Hi Hitler, so everyone, when reading the charges, would refer to his idol. It seems that Evans watched a lot of documentaries and thought the Nazis chanted "Hi Hitler" instead of "Heil Hitler."
(And next week I'm changing my name to Haywood J. Blowme.)

British Army Boasts Best-Stacked Soldiers In The World

LONDON - In an effort to make a happier, bustier soldier the British army has paid for a number of its female personnel to have breast enlargements, the Ministry of Defense said. And it's not even just officers. In one case, a 27-year-old corporal underwent cosmetic surgery worth $3,600, courtesy of the armed forces. A ministry spokesman defended the pol- icy, saying that surgery would only be paid for if there was an overriding physical or psychological reason to do so. (A friend of mine was shot 5 times in the chest by her estranged husband...the only thing that saved her? Her breast implants.)

Distributors See Nothing Wrong With Invisible Doll

LONDON, England - Now why couldn't I think of this? A toy firm in England is literally making money out of thin air with its latest doll for children, called Invisible Jim. The action figure is nothing but an empty packet and is sold around the world by US firm What-If- Atlas-Got-An-Itchy-Bum Company for a few dollars. The packaging reads: "Invisible Jim. As not seen on TV." The blurb goes on: "Batteries not included. A gripping hand would be nice. Camouflage suit sold separately. Includes other great features - apparently." Representatives at Trading Standards said this product if perfectly legitimate because as long as people can see that the package is empty and are still willing to pay for it, then no laws are being broken.

2000 Pose Nude for "Art" in Montreal

MONTREAL, Canada - When New-York based Spencer Tunick, 34, asked for volunteers to be photographed nude for Montreal's Museum of Contemporary Arts, he expected about 300 responses. He was ecstatic when over 2000 undressed for him in 55 degree weather. Tunick's niche is photographs of nude crowds in urban centers, and his works have been displayed all over the world. In Montreal, police set up a barrier to keep out clothed on- lookers and supervised the almost hour-long photo shoot. The artist was delighted as he addressed local newspaper reps and said, "This was the easiest performance of this scale that I have done...Here people just listened, they cared about my work and wanted to be part of something original."

Man Sells His Urine for Drug Tests

HENDERSONVILLE, North Carolina - In the great spirit of American entrepreneurship, Kenneth Curtis created a website called Privacy Protection Services. To combat routine work drug tests, the owner sells his own urine in kits including heat packets for the consumer to warm the urine to body temperature. The sample comes in a pouch supplied with tubing to be taped to the body. The Service also claims that if used properly, the item can be undetected by those supervising the test. The court system, however, did not appreciate Curtis's service, and he was recently arrested. Disagreeing with the charge, he told CNews: "If you can't sell urine, what can you sell? I don't sell drugs, I sell urine."

Potential Customer for that Urine Salesman?

INDONESIA - An apple a day apparently isn't the only thing that will keep the doctor away. According to Iwan Budiarso, 68, drinking and bathing in your own urine can fight the ageing process. This urine therapy supposedly can cure a variety of illnesses, including cancer, as well as restore hair and reduce wrinkles. The pensioner claims to have used the therapy to help three previously infertile couples to conceive and says novices should mix their first few drinks with equal amounts of water. He concluded by stating that is own personal catchphrase is, "One cup a day keeps you healthy and gay, three cups a day keeps diseases away, five cups a day keeps your cancer away."

Insurance Problems?
Stupid Excuses from Stupid People

I thought my window was down but found it up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the car bumper in front, I hit the pedestrian.

The pedestrian had no idea what direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

If you think you're having a bad day...

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast -- some 20 MILES away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!

I spent five years in the air force, and if it wasn't for sexual harassment no one would have talked to me at all. An officer accused me of being a lesbian. I would have denied it, but I was lying naked on top of her at the time.
---Lynda Montgomery

Elvis Runs For Mayor

PHILLIPS, WI - For once it's not just a sighting story. A man from Price County, WI, has legally changed his name to Elvis Aaron Presley, and is now running for mayor. This proprietor of a local bar (yes, bar), and former Elvis impersonator has decided to try his hand at politics. Inspired by Gov. Jesse Ventura, Presley said, "If the people of that state can put a wrestler in office, I don't see what's wrong with the people of Wisconsin electing an Elvis impersonator." The small town of 1,600 will choose between Presley and Keith Corcilius on April 4.
(Mayor Presley's biggest hits include: You Ain't Nothin' But a Cheesehead, I'll Have a Blue Election Without You, Hunk 'o Burning Votes and, of course, Viva Wisconsin!)