Wise Cracks in the Institution Wall

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

-Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

-Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

-Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

-Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."

-You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?

He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me,too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

On the back of a motorbiker's jacket.

"IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!"

(01) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

(02) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickle the company once had.

(03) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

(04) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

(05) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

(06) The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

(07) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

(08) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

(09) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

(10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

(11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

(12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

(13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.

(14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

(15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

(16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.

(17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.!

(18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

(19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

(20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

(21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

(22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

(23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.

(24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

(25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

(26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounds like Sue-ice.

(27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

(28) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

(29) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class.

(30) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

(31) The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

(32) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

(33) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

(34) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

(35) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

(36) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

(37) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

(38) There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US 10 dollar bill.

(39) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

(40) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

(41) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

(42) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have $1.19.You would also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

(43) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

(44) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

(45) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

(46) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

(47) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

(48) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

(49) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

(50) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.

(51) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

(52) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

(53) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.

(54) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

(55) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

(56) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

(57) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokesmodel.

(58) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

(59) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

(60) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

(61) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

(62) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."

20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.

2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"

4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.

5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.

8. Ask for food and drink.

9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.

10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.

11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"

12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants"

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got'em."

Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

“What you say” What they hear.

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"

I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"

I pilfer office supplies.

"I take pride in my work"

I blame others for any mistakes.

"I'm personable"

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I am very adaptable"

I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"

I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

- Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental sound 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invest all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?

If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)(Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.

*You have a "personal" table in the college pool hall.

*The professor greets you with, "Well look who decided to show up and grace

us with their prescense." when you show up for class.

*You know at least five excuses for showing up late or not showing up at all.

*You think a 2 am feeding is the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

**You know tacos at Taco Bell are 59 cents after 10 p.m.

*You've walked out of class, during class, and not bothered to come back for your books.

*You've given your books affectionate nicknames.

*You actually think High School was better than college.

*You think "spring cleaning" means changing all the Glade Plug-in refills.

*You can name 3 items under a buck on the Wendy's/local burger joints late night menu.

*You know a place/are a regular at the late nite Diner that serves great burgers...at 3 am.

*You know 2 ways of hangover relief.

*You "accidently" filled out a change of address form as to where to send your report card.

*The morning after is EVERY morning.

*Monday is not just another day, it's another nightmare.

* You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell" instead of Hello.

* When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

* You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

* You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

* Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

* You'd rather clean your bathroom then crack open a book.

* You sleep more in class than at home.

* You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.

* Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

* You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now!

* Your favorite phrase is "I don't give a s@#$."

* The McDonald's/ Burger King/ Baskin Robbins/ Coffee Place people know you by name and know your order from your late night study breaks.

* You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on the final to pass than the time you have actually spent studying.

* When you start showering after class rather than before.

* The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.

* When the campus drunk tells you that you should study more.

* When your favorite paperweight says "Bud Light."

* When your absence exceeds your attendance.

* When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you "might" actually die before the test!

* You can't wait for Christmas, even though you'll be stuck with your family for four weeks.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.