What is BDSM?

   Good question! It can mean bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D/s), or sadomasochism (S&M) There are more definitions for each of those words than Baskin-Robbins has flavours. In fact, there are as many meanings as there are people trying to tell you what it all means. This is not intended as a "be-all-end-all" on BDSM; it's merely a guide put together from many different sources, not the least of which is my own head.

It most often means sex involving dominance and submission. There are numerous variations, none of which can be termed more correct than the other. BDSM (or S&M, D/s, B&D) ranges from spanking to bondage to tickling to "flogging" or whipping. You as an individual set the limits in agreement with your partner.

People often get the wrong idea of what BDSM means. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality has nothing to do with destructive behaviour. A 'D' (dominant, top, sadist, master/mistress) person simply wants to dominate in sex while the "s" (submissive, bottom, masochist, slave) person often wants to be stripped of any initiative. You can be both, or either, switching roles as part of your play or swapping 'sides' over time.

BDSM And Feelings.

BDSM supplements the more commonly accepted sexual feelings. You may perhaps wonder if loving someone and practising BDSM can be combined? The answer is yes. You feel love the same way as other people except a BSDM relationship frequently seems much more intensive and passionate. Openness and trust, meaning communication, are absolute musts in a BDSM relationship. If your partner allows you to dominate it is a sign of absolute faith in you. This faith is based on knowledge about your partner and the limits that must be respected. You will realise the full meaning of words like affection, intimacy and passion. As a form of insurance, BDSM partners should agree on 'codewords' (also called 'safewords') the "s" person would say in order to stop or moderate the 'session' if it's become too intense.
Is there still room for excitement when you know your partner inside out, you may ask? The answer, again, is yes. Openness and trust clear the ground for activating your fantasies. This in turn heightens intimacy, passion and ecstasy. But keep in mind that fantasy and reality, as in other aspects of life, don't always match.

As indicated already, there is no right or wrong form of BDSM play. For instance, you don't necessarily have to stay either master or slave in a relationship. Some want to incorporate a form of BDSM in most aspects of life. Others limit dominance and submission to sex, as part of the playful side in a relationship. (or something in between!)

In the beginning, you may well find it hard to express your feelings in words. You may wonder what the reason behind all this is. Experts can't pinpoint exactly what circumstances make a person turn on to BDSM. Possible traumatic experiences in one's childhood are not necessarily important factors. Thinkabout it this way instead: You're not alone out there; we're all in the same boat. There are many support organizations out thereto help you learn and to assist you in accepting and enjoying your sexuality.

How Can BDSM Be 'Practiced'?

Dominance and submission provide the key to BDSM. Many people play roles in which they act out various forms of dominance, punishment and subjugation. A certain sense of humour does not hurt in an S&M fantasy. Bondage is one of the more 'common' forms of BDSM. Bondage covers everything from soft silk scarves in bed to chains. Spanking and whipping are just as common but the degree to which these activities is carried out varies greatly. It is important to remember that the limits are set by the "s" partner. Many begin with a light warm-up, a spanking is one way, and gradually increase the sting or "thud" sensation to the pleasure/tolerance level of the "s". Symbolic gestures and the imagination and feelings of the partners before and after the punishment are just as important as the spanking or whipping itself.
BDSM play can be an extremely emotional experience for "either end of the whip" (or flog or paddle or strap or...). A very important aspect of "after-play" is aftercare. The "D" may be experiencing feelings of insecurity over their enjoyment of 'hurting' their partner (this is more common with, but not limited to, a novice). The "s", especially a novice (but, again, not limited to), will probably be running through a wide range of emotions that may well include tears. This is frequently a better time for mutual holding and soothing than it is for a Q&A session. Talk, communication, is essential, that can't be stressed enough, but allow some time to pass for the whirling emotions to settle. THEN talk. And talk. And be honest. This is where tact and that aforementioned sense of humor can be a great help. Be sensitive to your partner's needs.

"Ok, I wanna 'Play', now what?"

Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Read. Have fun. The words safe, sane, and consensual are the foundations of this 'lovestyle'. (did I mention Read?) BDSM isn't about abuse. It isn't about a powerplay. It's about finding the thngs that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. There are a ton of good and informative books out there. I urge you to check out the D/s Kiosk link on my Main page. They are a resource center beyond any other I've seen so far. But, remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundries of safe, sane, and consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person! (but do have fun, while you're at it, it just ain't worth it, otherwise!)
Safe means no injuries. It means taking precautions to ensure that such possibilities are minimized. It means picking your partner carefully, even if you're only getting together for what may only be a single day or night.. or a few hours. Especially in such cases.

Sane is to be aware of your and your partners limits. If you want to continue playing with your toy, don't break it. Be aware that not all damage is visible to the eye. You don't want your partner to spend the next 2 years of their life in therapy.

Consensual is about consent. Mutual consent. With all parties involved. It's imperative that limits, likes, dislikes, etc, be worked out prior to any play, not in the middle of a scene. This is a good time to establish safewords, too. Remeber, if your partner doesn't want to do it, it isn't BDSM, it's abuse. BDSM includes a wide range of activities involving a negotiated transfer of power between consenting partners. BDSM is not about abuse or other nonconsensual activities.



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