Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual BDSM. Yet, abusive
relationships do exist within the BDSM community, as with all groups. Unfortunately,
due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into BDSM may suffer
additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for
fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is
free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have
slowed public response to this serious social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the BDSM
community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme)
is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse. Abuse tends to be cyclical
in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation
for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her
or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is
abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to
define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual,
economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside
of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked
you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? Are you afraid of your
partner? Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual BDSM. Battering
is not something that can be agreed upon; there is an absence of safe
words or understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits?
Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as
a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you
feel obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to makeup after
a violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family,
or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Has your partner abused or threatened your children? Does your partner
limit access to work or material resources? Has he or she ever stolen
from you or run up debts? Are you or your partner emotionally dependent
on one another? Does your relationship swing back and forth between
a lot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly
criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the
violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There
are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the
abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help
is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors,anti-violence
programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these
calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up
friends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options.
You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an
Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need
a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the BDSM
community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the
courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person
make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential.
Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe
housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them
to seek treatment.