BDSM For Beginners
Everyone has to start somewhere, and no one that I know comes out of the
womb knowing anything and everything about the BDSM lifestyle. Even of those
that have been in the Lifestyle for years, very few possess the hubris to
say that they know everything there is to know. While it is true that there
is nothing new under the sun, it is equally true that no one has ever seen
everything that there is under the sun. Therefore it is always important
to prepare yourself and take a long look at things before jumping in head
first. After all, you never know what rocks are waiting just below the dark
surface of the water.
Listed here you'll get a few of my views on first time meetings, things dealing
with meeting people from the 'Net, books that I recommend for reading, and
a checklist (courtesy of Jay Wiseman's book SM101) for scene negotiation
which is one of the best I've seen anywhere. Feel free to take a look over
these things and comment to me if you'd like at my email address.
Reading Materials for the newly Enlightened
There are three books that I recommend for those that are just starting out.
Depending on which side of the Crop you care to stand on, you may only need
2 of them or you may want all 3 of them. That is simply personal preference.
It is, however, also my belief that a Dom or Domme should at least spend
a bit of time experiencing what it's like to be in the submissive role so
as to better understand those who give themselves to them.
SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
This is, by far, the best introductory book on the market. It is a down to
earth and exceedingly thorough introduction to BDSM that will give any beginner
the knowledge to come in with a head's up view of what's going on. While
it does not purport to tell you everything, it does give a good basing in
the major aspects of the Lifestyle and how to keep things Safe, Sane, and
Consensual (the three major "pillars" of any BDSM session). A definite must
have for anyone wanting an introduction to the Lifestyle.
The Topping Book or Getting Good at Being Bad by Dossie Easton and Catherine
Liszt
This is a good look at the Dom side of the Lifestyle with a light flair to
it. While it doesn't take the Lifestyle lightly, it does present it in such
a fashion as not to make it out to be dark, mysterious, or dangerous. It
gives a good idea of the interactions and the like in a D/s dynamic and how
to keep things SSC.
The Bottoming Book or Getting Wonderful People to do Terrible Things to you
by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt
This, by the same two authors of The Topping Book takes a look at the other
side of the Crop and what the steps a submission can take to keep things
SSC and how to make the most of a D/s scene on the bottom side of things.
It makes a very good point of showing that keeping a scene SSC is not only
the responsibility of the Dom or Domme, but also of the sub.
First Time Meetings
The points listed below relate to any first time meeting between a Dom and
a sub and how things should interact and be carried out. I freely admit that
this is my personal opinion and opinions of others may be different. This
is based on my experience and how I have seen things play out. Always take
things at a pace you are comfortable with and be cautious.
Always meet in a public place. Do not go back to a private place until you've
assured yourself that this is someone that you feel safe being alone with.
This may not be on the first meeting or any one after it. But if the other
person is worthwhile and knows the score, then they will be willing to wait
out the time. If they're not, then don't fret it.
Talk with and get to know the person first. Find out their interests, get
their phone number and that such information. If they're unwilling to give
that information to you before scening with them, walk away.
If you are meeting someone from off the Internet, the first weekend should
be a D/s free weekend. If you both consent, vanilla sex is fine, but keep
it D/s free. Always be safe regarding the transmission of diseases and pregnancy
in any situation. Simply because you submit to someone or they submit to
you does not mean that they are magically drug/disease free. The reason for
this is to make sure that any chemistry you possessed on-line is still there
in person and to insure that you've not taken into your home a very sauve
axe-murderer. One thing I'm sure a submissive doesn't want to experience
is to be tied up and then to find that the person you're with is psychotic
and needs to be committed.
Always make sure the Trust issue is there. If you don't feel you can trust
this person, then don't do anything with them. Everything in BDSM comes back
down to Trust. If that is not present, then you have what comes down to a
very dangerous situation.
If, for some reason, you do decide to scene with someone early into things,
be sure that the scene is fully negotiated and that it is light in nature.
I would not suggest any bondage the first time just to give the submissive
the ability to pull out of things at any point. And always--always have safe
words in place. And that holds true for any scene, even if it's someone that
you've been scening with for years.