Genuine Certified SAM
A How To Study

 Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.

 Since it's your birthday, you deserve a birthday spanking, don't you?

Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it.  Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)

Hmmm... after checking My International symbols booklet, I've discovered that ONLY "open hand" spanking is prohibited.  Continue on with closed hand spanking (not to mention, caning, paddling, cropping, belting...)

In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.

Stick a Breathe-Rite strip on her nose, then put black under her eyes like a football player.

During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

If you knew how much I despised Howard when he was alive, you wouldn't risk it!

If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.

Tell her, "Gee it seems your eyes are stuck again," and thump her on the side of her head.

If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'

Tell her she's won a million dollars from Publisher's Clearinghouse while she has her fingers in her ears (but make sure she see your lips) and then when she says, "What did you say?", reply "I told you once, I'm not going to tell you again!"

Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes

Replicate the pattern on her ass.

Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.

Slip it under her favorite cushion when you have friends over.  Better yet, tie it to her so every time she sits down, it goes off.

Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.

Use the dirty laundry to gag and tie you up, then whip you with the wet towel you threw in there.

Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.

Clutch My chest and fall over as if I just suffered a heart attack-two can play at that game!

When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'

Hmmm... the flogging ends when the song does!

Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).

And your point is?

Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear.  Did you say something?  That could be your safeword, but I don't recognize the language."

Become prone to incessant giggling.

Accelerate giggling by tickling with large feathers.

If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

"Well, then, I guess I'll just have to estimate how many licks (swats, hits) I'm giving you... and I am a little absent-minded, you know..."

Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..

Then I'd grab your real hair and say, "Let's see if you can do it again!"

Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)

I'd not stop until I can get ten 10.0s in a row!

When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.

Wear them for a week or two and fashion them into a lovely blindfold.

If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.

Well, just so I don't lose the message, I'd have to staple it to the place it's posted.

Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.

Why should today be any different than any other day?

Learn the following phrases:
  Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!

  Sorry!  Was I sitting on you again?

  What do I look like, your maid?

  Hmmm... With a black corset and a little white hat, you could pass for her!

  This isn't a restaurant.

  I know.  There, I'd get better service!

  In your dreams!

  From My dreams to your ass!

  Who died and left you boss?

  No one had to die for Me to be boss!

  I don't think so!

  You actually think you're supposed to think?"

  Homey don't play that game.

  Then lets find the game Homey plays.

  Yeah, right!

  Of course I am!

Use them as often as possible.

Only speak in movie quotes.

Umm... I do, so frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.

Seeing that the average joy buzzer is nothing more than a low grade vibrator, I'd just be interested to see how many times you'd have to wind the thing up!

Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.

Counter with an invoice for My services (e.g.-Attitude adjustment-$250.)

After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'

(See Alka Seltzer answer above.)

Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.

Apply superglue to nipple clamps before applying them to your nipples. 

Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.

Flog your bottom until she/he utters the "magic" word.

Starch the floggers.

Beat the starch out of the floggers, while waiting for the "magic" word.

Whine.

Again, why should today be any different than any other day?

Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.

Resolve to expand on your obvious desire for puppy training.

Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)

Hmmm...  If you paddle at just the RIGHT frequency, you can simulate a strobe light effect!

Tell master you want to be just like him, then go wash the dishes.  Tell some of the plates they were SAMs today and refuse to wash them until they can behave better.

Walk over to the sink, grab one of the plates, Shout at it, "And this is the penalty for disobedience!", then throw it against the wall.

Move master's personal effects around.  Start subtly, gradually work up to the furniture.  If he notices, act like nothing was ever moved.

Secretly move items back to original positions, then ask sub to find an item.  If she can't find it where she left it, or notices that it's been moved back, act as if it hadn't been there a moment ago.

Draw a tiny spot on his chest with a permanent marker.  Make it bigger every night while he's asleep. 

Put a spot on her upper lip with a fine-tipped permanent marker while she's asleep.   Add more each night, then tell her she's starting to sport a mustache.

When your master comes home, pretend that you are on the phone, talk in a sultry, sexy voice.  After you hang up, tell him that was his mom and she didn't leave any messages for him.

When your sub comes home, pretend you are on the phone to her boss, and either tell him (in an angry voice) that she says he's a jerk and she refuses to come to the phone; or (in a helpful, conspiratorial tone) that "sure, you can bend her over your desk and cane her ass tomorrow morning... I'll even send a cane in to work with her!"

Get some hair the same color as master's from a salon.  Spread it on the pillow while he's asleep.  

Too late! 

Whenever master uses the bathroom, take notes. If your master protests, mutter about dominants hiding their trade secrets.

Of course We do... it's in the Dom's manual!

Put up flyers around town, advertising that master is missing, answers to Pookie, reward for his safe return.

Put flyers up around town advertising that you are missing, answers to Sammie, please take to nearest animal shelter.

Make cue cards for master.  Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

Make cue cards for sub.  Suggested phrases: "Yes, beloved Master."  "No, Sir, that is NOT too tight." "May I have a dozen more swats, Master, please."

Hide one of master's favorite toys.  When he asks where it is, tell him you traded it for a box of Beanie Babies.

Demand to see box of Beanie Babies.  If they are not the ones worth the most in the Beanie Baby investment guide, use them to make a very cute and thuddy flogger.

Bury the toys in shallow graves in the backyard.  Blame it on the dog.

(See above for puppy training.)

Hold funeral services for used condoms at the porcelain altar.  If your master protests, tell him you are mourning the billions of potential lives that are being wasted.

Tell her to go rescue all the potential lives she can and dunk her head in the toilet.

After a snow storm, make two snowmen in the front yard, one upright, the other 'kneeling'.  Attach master's favorite whip to the dominant snowman.

Tell her it doesn't look enough like her and that you'll need to pose her out in the front yard for at least a day while you get her snowsubbie right.

Trim the floggers and canes an eighth of an inch each day before he gets home.  When he finally notices, just say you don't get as much bang for your buck as you used to.

Pick up new floggers and canes one and a half sizes larger than original ones.  Tell your sub, "Say, honey, guess what Sam's Club is stocking now!"

Whenever master dismisses you, nod and say, "Then if it is OK with you and Major Healy, I will return to my bottle now, Master."

"Sure.  Would you like Me to assist you into it?" (Then produce a 6 oz. Coca Cola bottle.)

Take out restraining orders on the toys you don't like.

Tell her that the toys have banded together and hired Johnny Cochran to press a class-action lawsuit against her.

Don't do the household chores.  Tell master you didn't have time to do them because you were out of Total and had to eat at least a dozen bowls of another brand, just to get the same nutritional value.

Make sure she's telling the truth... make her eat another dozen bowls (preferably bran flakes) while you time her.  As she is doing that, go seal up the bathroom door.