There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer
.—Swami X
Sex is the biggest nothing of all time
.—Andy Warhol
Sex is hardly ever just about sex.
—Shirley MacLaine
Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th Century.
—Malcolm Muggeridge
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation - the other eight are unimportant.
—Henry Miller
"I can resist everything except temptation."
---Oscar Wilde.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet."
---Rodney Dangerfield.
"I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
---Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that."
---Steve Martin.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
---George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
---Marty Feldman.
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it."
---W.C.Fields
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
---Robin Williams.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
---Steven Wright.
"I’ve often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
---George Bush
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
---David Letterman.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
---Oscar Wilde
"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
---Geoff Arbuthnot
"Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
---Emo Philips.
"I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
---Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives."
---Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
---Jerry Seinfeld.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
---Spike Milligan.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
---Mel Brooks.
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
---Henry Youngman.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
---Emo Philips.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
---Steven Wright.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden."
---Eric Morecambe.
"You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
---Rowan Atkinson.
"Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love ."
---Woody Allen
"I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
---Groucho Marx
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
---H.G. Wells
"I wanna live ‘til I die, no more, no less."
---Eddie Izzard
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
---Oscar Wilde
"Money couldn’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
---Spike Milligan
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
---Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual."
---Partick Moore
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
---W.C.Fields
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere."
---George Burns
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
---Winston Churchill
"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
---Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
---Groucho Marx
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can’t dress."
---Joan Rivers
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you."
---Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight."
---George Gobol
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
---Dave Barry
"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others."
---Groucho Marx
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity."
---Albert Einstein
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy—in a jar on my desk."
---Stephen King
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
---Mark Twain
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
---Sal Davino
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
---Napoleon Bonaparte
"A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often."
---Oliver Herford
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
---Arnold Schwarzenegger
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
---Jack Nicholson
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
---Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
---Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
---Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
---Robert DE Niro
"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
---Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
---Rod Stewart
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
—Camille Paglia
