*God is the only being who, in order to rule, does not need to even exist.
– Voltaire
*But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-Carl Sagan (1934-1996)
*By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
*Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-Karl Marx
*"I hate flowers. I only paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move."
-Georgia O'Keefe
*"There are three faithful friends-an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
-Benjamin Franklin
*"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy
ourselves."
--Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
*I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
-- E E Cummings (1894-1962)
*The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
--Herb Caen
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
--Unknown
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
--Sam Levenson
"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number."
--Unknown
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Mark Twain
*If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way.
*Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
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*In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. |
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*We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race. |
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*Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. |
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*If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way. |
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*Get the facts first. You can distort them later. |
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*All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. |
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."
Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary
