I'm objective, I object to everything.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Life is a terminal disease.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
In God we trust, all others must pay cash.
Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
"Dual Airbags"
Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad."
A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Life is sexually transmitted
Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself
There are two types of pedestrians...the quick and the dead
A closed mouth gathers no feet
The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
Don't blame me. I'm only doing what my Rice Crispies told me to do.
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
My kid beat up your honor student
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Fight crime, shoot back!
time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas
the best things in life are free plus tax
Why do they let semi-drivers drive big trucks?
Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?
The grass is always greener on TV
Easier said than sung in Russian
Smile and the world audits your taxes.
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
My REALITY CHECK Bounced.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture.
You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
REAL WOMEN PICK UP THE CHECK
REAL MEN DON'T ASK DIRECTIONS
BEWARE! DRIVER LOW ON ESTROGEN
GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, POSTMEN AND RADICAL PRO-LIFERS DO
PRO CHOICE ON CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH REPUBLICANS
THIS CAR CARRIES ONLY $25 IN AMMUNITION
I LIVE LIKE A MONK...EXCEPT FOR THE CELIBACY PART
DENIAL WORKS FOR ME
IF THE WORLD'S A STAGE, I'M COMPLETELY UNREHEARSED!
ALL NECROPHILIACS ARE DEAD-HEADS
PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY BUT NO FILM
EXTINCTION IS FOREVER
DIETED FOR A MONTH AND ALL I LOST WAS 30 DAYS
WILL WORK FOR FOOD, WILL BEG FOR SEX!
IF YOU DRINK LIKE A FISH, SWIM DON'T DRIVE
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DATE UGLY MEN
UNLESS YOU'RE LEAD DOG, THE VIEW NEVER CHANGES
SUICIDE IN KANSAS IS REDUNDANT
COLLEGE GRAD AND PROWD UV IT
I NEED MORE DAYS ON THE WEEKEND
ONLY BRAVE MEN HAVE THE BALLS TO JUGGLE
TWICE HEAD IS BETTER THAN ONCE
SSSHHHH! DRIVER ASLEEP
IT'S NOT WHO YOU KNOW, IT'S WHOM YOU KNOW
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
BILINGUALLY ILLITERATE
GET BEHIND FRONTAL NUDITY
BOYCOTT CHINA OVER HUNAN RICE
I'M FOR CELIBACY IN MODERATION
COLLEGE GRADS MAKE SMARTER MISTAKES
www.jokesforidiots.com