Follow me as I see CRAP MOVIES for the first time and more

SO I see this video at the local hock shop called MONDO Violence. It says nothing on the case of what it is about except to say that it was banned in 40 counties for years and years and is finally available in all it's gruesome glory. I answer that with a yeah right whatever buddy. I knew I had read something about this in an issue of Rue Morgue magazine lately. The mondo films as clip documentaries of random weirdness. They were made in the 70s in Italy and dubbed in 79 and 80 into English. They are just random documentary clips about weird and gruesome stuff. Also inthe series is Mondo Nudo and Mondo Bizarro. I hear alot of the stuff on the tape is in fact staged and fake. But also alot is very real from bizare levels of snuff to natural geographic stuff with empathis on graphic. From a seal hunt show in full to a tribe in afiran that drop pregnant woman from trees to cause still borns because the tribe is too over grown, or to an Arabian execution. Some pretty unselteling stuff. The Mondo films where the basis for stock footage for many italian gore films, including the legandary Canibal Holocaust. Now from Italy to Japan. BIOZOMBIE. I love this movie, it's a comdey paying homage to George Rameros zombie horror masterpieces. Imagin a japanese Jay and Silent Bob but SIlent bob is more talkative and more of an ass then Jay. These two jerks... but cool jerks run a pirate DVD store in the local mall. They try to work as little as possible and try to pick up chicks instead as they get through thier day until our anti heros find a guy infected with a chemical weapon that makes zombies. And hilarity insues. A video game joke is added in with clips of House of the Dead... which works alot better then when the House of the Dead movie used clips of the game. God damn House of the Dead Sucked ass. America has not mastered this kinda fun. Looking forward to the English "Shaun of the Dead" I hear it is close to as good. If you like BioZombie see the sersious horror movies Demon and of course Dawn of the Dead which it pays alot of homage to. The main thing I get from this is the humor, fast talking humor alas Bill and Ted alla Jay and Silent Bob. Odd because in alot of funny dubbed movies the humor is lost in transtaltion and comes off dry and descriptive, but in this the translation is perfect and I get every joke, you even start to forget that this is dubbed. The humor is youth based and you understand if you Japanese , American or Martian. Brilliant I tell you brilliant right down to a gloomy Romero ending that halts the comedy but makes it worth it. But of course in the world of zombies things can stay so beautiful for ever now can they.... no no they can not. In the last couple of days I have pick up some doozies. At a flea market I picked up a 3.99 DVD (that should tell you something there) called ZOMBIE BIKERS FROM DETROIT. What a great title sounds like loads of fun. What a piece of crap though. The makers of this movie who actually brought us the home made but amazing Bloodletting actually tried to make this movie serious. Come on it had a hilarious tag line "In detroit no one cares if you scream". This should have been Toxic Avenger funny but it wasn't. The zombies where barly in it and when the were it was filmed in darko vison. Meaning there was no lighting you could see the factthat they didn't have any makeup budget for the movie. Obviously home made, which I don't usually knock as long as it is fun, but this was boring. Only thing worth mentioning is the ending line which apears to be the disembodied voice of the devil saying "Soon i will kill all these mother fuckers". I have no idea why this is said but then again no one has any idea why any character does anything they do in this movie. Snore fest. Give it a miss. But the title still kicks ass. And then there was PSYCHOs IN LOVE. Also brings Bloodletting to mind because it is basically the same plot. Two serial killers find each other fall deeply inlove. But as Bloodletting is a black comedy rip off of Natural Born killers (see the penial decapitation reviews) Psychos in Love is a slap stick comedy rip off of BloodLetting. This movie is very funny. Imagine Quintin Tarintino got together with the makers of Aeroplane and made a movie with about serial killers with Tom Savinis insane blood and gore. A boyfriend and girl friend team of pysho killers try to get by day by day and share thier common love for murder and charles bronson and thier hate for grapes. An incredible monolouge is done over and over again by both of these wacko love birds that involves how they hate grapes more that anything else in the world. And the last thing you wanna do is ever offer a serial killer something they hate more then anything else in the world. Lots and lots of sexy 80's chicks show there boobs beter getting diced by the deranged duo. And the lead female serial killer has a starteling resembelance to Molly Ringwald. The humor is way out there as they speak to the camera and even pull a Saved by the Bell time out in a scene as well as make reference to thier own script being terribly written. As the picture shows it is very gory but no whgere near as serious as this picture seems. A good laugh for those with very open minds. It's made by a production company called Wizard video which I am gonna look into because they seem to have made alot of unknown uber bizarreo crapola. I like it alot Penis it was the name of the horse". Ahh the terrible joke made from a extremly terrible movie. It was a misheard line of "Peanuts, that was the name of the horse" said for little reason and in no context what so ever in this masterpiece of crap in film making. The film was made, acted and written terribly. Terrible right down to the name, BLOODSHACK. But alas for $3.99 I had to buy it. Along with the brilliant old school revival Eight Legged Freaks and a slow 80's slasher flick called The Offering. These are this weeks pick ups. But I am here to talk about the movie BloodShack. This was one of the early B movies in my mass hysteria. But I have never seen any store dumb enough to sell it, until now. God bless you Jumbo Vido. The film is way too dark to see anything and super hazy. The voice track is dubbed over out of place and is all muffled. With all the terrible production it is hard to figure out just what is going on. The basic synopsis is that a woman and her son own a chunk of land wanted by the tax man. She is broke and the land is dead. There is an old shack next to her house which no one goes into because what is in it is supossidly dead as well. A ghost dwells in the shack and is killing anyone who enters the shack. Of course we find the land is usable for a factory and the buisness men near by our trying to run this poor hickish woman out of her house, which coincedenlty the ghost in the shack is doing to. Hmm sounds like a plot in scooby doo if you ask me. And the cake is when you actually see the ghost out of the shadows. It finally leaves the shack as the woman fights with the slimy buisness man outfront of the shack. And when you see the Ghost it is just a guy dressed in black with a sword. It wasn't a ghost after all, it was a NINJA. Well of course this obviousness is not so aparent to the characters in the movie. But seriously this masterpiece of crap is on par with Manos Hands of Fate and should really be called The Deadly fist of the Bloodshack, except with out the kung fu. Ahh truly it is very difficult to explain yet your self be warned that the brain numbing powers of the bloodshack do rival that of Manos, Nazi Flesheating Zombies and even ROboVampire. And that trust me children, that is a lot of crap. 8 legged Freaks is too known a film to review, yet it is great, witha real Critter slash Tremors feel. And The Offering well it was too boring, I barly remember it. Maybe I will view it again and review it. But remember this week I am on a hoem vactions, so alot of crap will be watched. And you have been warned.

This week and a half I have rented alot of, well.. crap. But memeralble crap. Let me say right away. I got a huge kick out of Freddy vs Jason. All these weenies saying "It wasn't scary, it was silly" I answer, NO SHIT!! The only films to ever do VS battles were the Godzilla flicks and the only people who find those movies serious are 5 years old. Freddy vs Jason was a lot of fun for fans of francised horror. It's funny and fun. Freddy is hilarious and Jason is actually at one of his bests for me, very shallow and sad. What he should be but Kane Hodder rarly let him be. I know all Hodder fans hate me now. DVD wise there are some fun stuff. Some actually interesting cut scenes. There's a different ending which is kinda boring but there's an easter egg (look for a elm street sign on Disc 2) which has Director Ronny Yu stating on an ending he wanted to do but could not afford. Also check out the Las Vegas pre fight interview on Disc two which is hilarious. My favoirte scene in the film though is when Freddy realised he comes to the real world and Jason smashes him through the windows. Check out the cut scene where the cute female star states "Freddy vs Jason place your bets" MAN am I glad they cut that out. Anyways screw the critics as always and enjoy this DVD. Oh and yes there will be a sequel, Ronny Yu says he actually does suport the rumours ASH vs Jason vs Freddy, but I doubt that will happen. Yet a sequel will happen ASH or not and it will be weird no matter what, and I say, I be there waiting for the rumble. Also picked up HAPPY Tree Friends Volume one. What is this you ask? Well it is 20 different 30 second cartoons where cute cuddly cartoon characters die in gruesome silly deaths. Imagine taking all the ichty and scratchy cartoons you saw on the simpsons and making it one DVD of just that (that's a great idea actually). It is fun and bizarre but dies fast , just like cuddles the bunny and handy the handless squirel do. It becomes teh same stuff after awhile, yet the Pop and Cub death while cutting the grass skit is disturbingly priceless. I like Handy the squirl he has no hands, that's funny. The best part is though the digipets where you can kill them your self. Happy Tree Friends is from an online cartoon that you can see for free yourself at HAPPY TREE FRIENDS .com of course. And remember ... HAVE A NICE DAY First the remastered DVD of the HILL HAVE EYES. The Wes Craven Texas Chainsaw Ripp off. Which to me I find more disturbing because the good guys are just as hick American dream fucked up good old boys as the evil crazies hicks. The movie did leave me with a sense of helplessness. And Micheal Barrymore the dude with the big head was in it. The man I usually refer to as only "that guy". With his roles in such shit as GUYVER and Weird Science and Teenage Exorsist. Also some choice movies of garbage that are worth seeing. "DEATH ROW DINER", from camp flims the makers of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. It's about a movie maker that comes back from the dead to eat people. It's filmed so badly. Some people are so far away from the microphone you can't here them, and ALL the EFX are home made. Sooo bad but sooo good. And they admit it. You have to see this crap to believe it. Goes up there with Robo Vampire. Also saw a Wizard of Oz story in hell, called "HIGHWAY to HELL". Not so much a horror movie then a comedy fantasy, but it did star the original Bufy the Vampire slayer, Christie Swanson. And the whole Stiller family guest apears. Then there was the only smart FULL MOON movie in eons. THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING. A movie about horror movie makers stuck in a zombie ridden hospital. Riddeled with Fulci and Argento references. Truly a movie for horror fans about horror fans. Plus two really cute girls , one that looks like Katie Holmes and an other a mad cute goth chicks..growl. All that and some nicely done zombies and a Rob Zambieesque master villian. Effects are very low buget and the acting is medicore at best but it is so fun you forget about the home made feel. In order of impression I say see DEAD HATE THE LIVING first, then Death Row Diner, Then Hills Have eyes then Highway to hell.. all fun , just all bad.. do ya get it? Well if you don't I would stay away. But if you do understand what "so bad it's good" means, I would say see them all.

IT'S HERE!!!!

Finally after all this time I finally got STORY OF RICKY (RIKI O) on DVD.

After several years of hunting this gem of a crappy movie down, I had only found it in a store once. 50 bucks on VHS was the asking price, I couldn't bring my self to doing it. But I came close. So after all this time, I finally broke down and said "screw the hunt, use Ebay". After shipping and taxes it was 17 bucks Canadian straight to my door in total from a very cool dude in Hong Kong. Oh I'm sorry... what is Story of Ricky?? Welll

Check out BADMOVIES.ORGs review.

Check out the new T shirt available from Rotten Cotten

It's known as GORE Fu to some fans. Basically a prision kung fu flick fron Hong Kong that used bizarre amounts of blood guts and gore for no real reason.
Basic plot: Ricky goes to jail for a crime of passion. Ricky is imortal and has SUPER kung fu. He's meets some bad guys who run the crooked prison and they have extremly bloody kung fu fights with there abilities to punch holes in each other. Le Fin.
In this kind of a movie who needs plot? Random exploding heads, popped out eyes, ripping off arms and legs, chest bursts and inflating until you explode or getting grinded away into mince meat. All this with fun yet silly characters that are all terribly dubbed. Brilliant all around. Go Ricky GO!! You arefinally here... hmmm what else is there that I havn't seen or I still need to buy? I dunno... is the quest for crappy movies complete... I doubt it.


I bought the Japanese zombie kung fu ganster flick VERSUS the other day. It's one of the movies that makes you say "whatthe fuck?" at the end of it. I mean ok it was fun, but on the net there is sooooo much hype on this flick that it's supossed to be this crazy horror movie, and it's not a horror movie at all. Take Highlander meets a scene or two from Return of the living dead meets Resivior Dogs meets any anime without giant robots (I know that's not many, but take Dragonball z then). It was fun but it hurt the brain. Just one huge awkward fight scene and nothing more. Well there are some good laughs here and there to. Some laughs I don't think were intentional though. "They", Who ever "they" are, say it's next thing to Riki O. Well one more day and we will find out won't we. Count down to RIKI O in the mail keeps ticking. If ya wanna see a Japanese Zombie flick, I recomened BIO ZOMBIE, take Mallrats and add zombies to the mix, much more fun and better dubbed. Crazy b and Woody from Biozombie are gonna get hero staus in the Temple of Jeffery Combs soon.

COUNT DOWN AS RIKI O (STORY OF RICKY) is in the mail
Update: I found a freaking picture from BLOODRAGE.. it's only the video cover, but it's better then nothing. I also got MY BLOODY VALENTINE tonight, so look forward to a review on that soon.

I said I would write reviews in 28 days later.. cause it was great and on the HULK cause I thought it bit the big one, sorry Johnny. And sorry to everyone cause.. I am not gonna write either of those reviews. This is for lame rentals only.. and I am stickin to it. I found another wonder of bad movie hell. A movie that helped me in deciding that..........
1984 is the greatest year in bad movie history!
The best trash 80s flicks came out that year. Lot's of secret gems like SLeepaway camp, maybe one day I will elaberate. But not now...wah! Anyways..what was I talking about? Oh yeah the movie...BLOOD RAGE! Sounds like a cyber biker murderer movie. But instead it was a domestic family killer movie. NICE! BLOODRAGE was retitled in the later 80s rerelease as Nightmare at Shawdow woods, but I think BLOODRAGE is cooler, even that there are many other movie swith that same name. So you know which BloodRage I mean, the plot is as such... Two happy go lucky middle class blonde pretty boys, who are twins. One a crazy homocidal maniac, one not... but which one is really crazy?? DUM DUM DUM!! Sweetness. Not bad acting, in a cheesy way, boobs and blood. The blood was so bizarely detailed and graphic that it almost didn't fit in with the fluffy feel to the movie's charaters. Perhaps this is what made it all the more disturbing. I can't believe I had never heard of this flick until I rented it. In sleepaway camp tradition this movie burned away a little bit of my grey matter which I may never get back. And for that I thank BLOOD RAGE... I thank both of the twins indeed. I also thank Ted Rami, the little bro' of Director Sam Rami, as he made a cameo for a second, as a guy selling condoms in the opening credits. I am only upset I could not find any pictures online of it. Oh well as Terry the psycho says... that ain't cranberry sause... and no it ain't.

I had heard of this movie for eons but never saw it in a store untill about a month or so ago. So tonight I finally broke down and rented a movie with a title only dreamed of...
BLOODSUCKING NAZI ZOMBIES
It's funny on the box it says 1988, which is a huge lie. Maybe the rerelease date though. See I took a look online and discovered that Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies is also called "Oasis of the Zombies" (Liam Gallagher comes to kill you) which I have seen around in many places but never thought it would be interesting enough to rent.
The title just wasn't funny enough. And sadly the movie wasn't funny enough either.

Synopisis is A group of people go to africa to find gold stolen from English troops by the NAzi back in the war. When the find the gold hiding spot it is guarded by Nazi zombies. There are some sub plots and semi important resoning why these people go there and why the zombies are there.. but it was interesting enough to pay attention to or remember. Every scene is dragged out and the sub plots are boring. The zombies are not that bad how ever, yet they only apear three times in the movie. So there is very little bloodsucking to these Nazi Zombies. There's one good gutt tearing in it to some next to unknown girl, which is pretty gruesome, but that's about it. Poorly dubbed and poorly edited. The opening scene is two hotties in super short denim shorts, looking around the mini jungle in the oasis. They get attacked by something. There is a scene where you follow thier asses for three minutes , they dubbed over mindless conversation but I bet the original french version just let ya watch in peace.

It's made by the same people that made Zombie LAke (which I painfully own) which is a movie that starts with a 5 minute solo skinny dipping scene in silence, so what do ya say to that? Nothing. The editing and dubbing are almost as bad as Robo Vampire but not quite. While researching this online I read a review that said "The worst 2 hours of my life"... and I say to that, that it almost is, but if you see Robo Vampire you will change yer mind.
check out www.videograveyard.com

More madness!!
Well I picked up some more cheap random crap!
This page is more a bad buy page then a mental rental, cause with crap VHS so cheap these days I can't help but buy it instead of rent it. When we rent new DVDs or something I let my girlfriend pick, and I don't think I should be reviewing "2 Weeks Notice" here, even that I like Hue Grant. C'est la vie.
Well back to the cheap bin I went and got some more crap. A five dollar tape of Backyard fight clubs. It's funny funny trash.. have a drink each time you hear "AW f@ck!" and you'll be drunk in seconds. Also I bought "Shepard" for a buddy of mine. He collects movies with teh wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper in it. In Shepard, Piper plays a priest in a post apocolypse time. Sweet cheese, it goes well with my buddy Rob's collection, including Hell comes to Frogtown and They Live. Also I got for 3 bucks on video for my cheesie old VHS collection, "Don't Look in the Basement.".

It's made by people who worked on "Last house on the Left" with Wes Craven. But Craven has nothing to do with this film of 70's trash. A hot leggy red head( who posed for playboy in the 70's) goes to work at a "new age" mental home. Full of homosidle maniacs, that just freely wonder the house. Great bunch a crazies though, each one a definate character. The crazy ex judge with an ax, the crazy ex soldier just waiting in the watch tower, the crazy Boo Radley ripp off and his need for popsicles. Oh don't forget the crazy hottie that thinks she tastes like strawberries and demands people taste her. All crazy people fun fun fun. A cool twist ending, you see it coming but cool none the less. All the madness ending in a out of no where blood bath that was definatly needed. Yummy.. oh.. that's not strawberries. And remember "Don't Look in the Basement.... or else.. wait a minute.. the basement was the only none scary place in the mad house... how ironic.

BADMOVIE SHOPPING FRENZY 2 the SEQUEL!!
pics stolen off amazon.com

So I went back and got another hand full of bad movies.
BLACULA (a classic, truley better than a lot of Dracula movies)
Slumber Party MAssacre 2
Frankenstien General Hospital
Santa Clause Defeats the Aliens
And the NEW Strawberry Short CAke DVD!!
What?!?!? Yes I heard you asked that out loud. I got it for my girlfriend honest. But it's great 80's flash back goodness, the DVD case even smelled like Strawberries. And I found it hilarious that Strawberry Shortcake had to be made hip by putting her in clothes that girls may actually wear nowadays. I scored big points with the girlfriend by bringing that gift home.
From the Good to the bad!!
SANTA CLAUSE DEFEATS the ALIENS.
I knew it.. I knew my 3.99 was being wasted. I already own Santa conquers the MArtians so I thought this was remake with a new name and 80's cover. No it was just a stock photo cover and the same freakin movie in the case. They just copied over the main title screen and dubbed over the new title name so some other company could sell the same freaking movie. I WAS SCREWED OVER!!
Now from the GOOD to the BAD to the UGLY...
Slumber party massacre 2 . Granted I don't own the first one but this terrible movie has so many great BAD memories. And the girl from the TV show Wings. A killer with a guitar and only one booby shot in the movie. What was I thinking? Check out this site on the Slumber party Massacre movies.


Ahh well, still the fact remains, never fuck with Skeletor!! Ca peesh!?!
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