THE LEGEND OF ZELDA
Don't get me wrong, the show is awful. Truly terrible. But like it's Koopa-stomping cousin, Zelda is such an atrociously written and painfully "acted" program it is somehow good. What would normally be a remarkably, offensively bad animated piece of Saturday morning fluff becomes transcendentally hilarious. Whatever dope-fiends are responsible for this show are brilliant wellsprings of comedic excellence who should be congratulated and fellated in awe*.
Now, before I go any further, and to stall for gif-loading time, I need to show you all something that irritates the crap outta me each and every time I watch this show (so that's about 8 times a day). The following two pics show the character Link at the beginning of the opening credit sequence. In the first he's in a castle window, and in the second on a horse. The problem is that they are from the SAME SHOT! You can see the castle behind Link in the second pic because it's a frame from a pull-back/reveal shot!
There's Link, screaming farewell to.................HIMSELF!! WHAT THE HELL?!!!
This is hardly Disney-quality animation, I know, but wouldn't you expect the animators to have noticed the obvious continuity error? My guess is that Zelda was originally meant to be in the castle, but I'm not the intellectual giant the show's creators are.
OK, let's take a look at our cast of characters!
This is Sprite, Link's fairy companion and general nuisance. Think of her as a somewhat less-bitchy Tinkerbell. She has terrible mood swings that the writers capture with amazing subtlety and the vocal artist portrays by lowering her voice into hermaphrodite territory for the many times this irritating pest is ass-poundin' mad.
This is Ganon, Link's mortal enemy and seeker of the Triforce of Wisdom. The story goes that if he gets it (from Zelda) and adds its power to that of the Triforce of Power already in his possession, he will rule the land of Hyrule. But who can tell what his true motivations are when his voice causes you to cover your ears, clench your eyes shut, and pray to Jesus that he shuts up before your brain implodes. This voice is seriously THE worst in animation history. Though they sound nothing alike, the sexually-confused Powerpuff Girl villain "Him" has a similar habit of switching between two drastically different voice stylings without provocation. Ganon also has something called an "Evil Jar" from which he can summon a infinite number of varied minions and sex slaves. Lucky.
This dainty nun-muffin is the titular character of this magical realm of makebelieve. Princess Zelda gaurds the Triforce of Wisdom from the stinky clutches of Ganon by going out on long walks every few minutes. She's written with a kind of halfway understandng of women's lib, and the voicework makes me think that the actress is overly dramatic as well as a hottie. Zelda used to go out with Ganon in high school and has been a total jerk to him over one little misunderstanding. You never learn just what her problem is, because it's used as a driving subplot to add some intrigue into their relationship. Actually, I just made that up. Sorry. The truth is, you learn the big secret in the first episode (little Ganny peed in his prom suit while making out with her). Ok, so it's tough to find any real motivation in these characters, but what I DO know is that Zelda acts pretty frumpy, loves tormenting Link, and, as the pictures to come will prove, seems to be a total sexpot.
Link is the heroic protector of princess Zelda and a complete moron. Although he always saves the day, he can never get any from Zelda. This is baffling considering how slutty she comes off as to me. He always comes THIS CLOSE to getting a kiss from her but he always manages to strike out before the credits roll. Quick to action, Link always retards things up in battle, yet always comes out on top. And then there's his voice. My God. If you havn't already, press the play button on the media bar under his above pic. Isn't that a FANTASTIC catch phrase? If you'd like to get a sense of what a typical episode is truly like while reading this, come back up here and press the play button after every few sentences. He says this painfully unfunny (yet somehow, amazingly STILL funny) line like a bajillion times each episode. FOR NO REASON. Why they decided to make him such a dumbass is beyond me, but it does lead to some hilarious, though not as intended, situations. All these pics are from the two episodes so generously provided on the aforementioned SMBSS DVD, with only a few of them being altered by myself (in which case I'd hope it to be obvious, especially with the animations). This first set of pics comes from the episode titled "KISS'N TELL". In this riveting yarn, some forest-whore is trying to lure Link to her by using a three-headed dragon-guy (which has the greatest dialogue in the show, but can't be expressed through words alone). Instead, Zelda is taking a break from her constant vigil of gaurding the Triforce by taking a private ride with a fruit bastket. That's right, guys. Two girls, a horse, and a basket of fruit in the jungle! Oh, and the dragon. Nevermind. The self-empowered princess all but defeats the beast with various fruity treats and tries to get the "fair maiden" the hell outta there. For times of peril, fruit renders dragons helplessly flailing. The bitch, however, won't budge. She wants a more heroic rescue. She wants.... Link. "Hello, ladies. Lemme just zip up, here...." Link defeats the dragony menace, and, still getting the blue-balls treatment from Zelda, accepts the skank-maiden's reward of a kiss. Little does anyone expect the horror what follows.... HOLY SHIT! LINK'S A FROG! HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!! Link's a frog. "Look away, I'm hideous!" This comes as a complete shock to everyone. Expecially to Link, who sees the girl he just swapped black magic spit with transform into a sexy androgynous mummy-thing. Yuck! But Zelda beats her ass and is left alone wth Link and a troubling dilemma. Could she truly love a Link-frog? Nope! Meanwhile, Ganon's lair is filled with an ear-splitting evil cackle as the jerk gets wind that his very stupid plan worked. He then snaps his fingers, which mysteriously allows him to teleport anywhere on the face of the planet. His destination? TWO FEET AWAY!! Intead of just WALKING (which you'll rarely see him do), he uses MAGIC to move to the other side of the room. What a dick. Anyway, he switches cackling positions before snaping and 'porting again, this time to parts unknown. Proud owner of a brand-new Evil Jar. Back with our heroes, Link has somehow managed to knock his damn self out and Zelda trips on a root. What breaks her fall is something too terrible for words.... so here's a clip! With the foreknowledge that she is in an animated show, Zelda instinctively forces her mouth shut upon visual confirmation of a mass of slithering tentacles. Obviously, Ganon has arrived with an Octorok (?) to claim the princess, since she'd have nothing to do with a frog guy. She has a thing for pigs, you see. Y'know, come to think of it, Link seems to spend an awful lot of screen time this episode laying unconscious. But moving on.... I'm getting pretty sick of narrating this whole deal. it's not as though I'm adding any insight or digging deeper into the storyline and peeling back the layered veils of mystery and metaphor surrounding the Zelda phenomenon or anything. I think I'll just play the rest of this by ear. Ganon is a happy li'l piggie with his pet spider-thingies. Then he leaves with Zelda. Yippie. Link wakes up to find that he's STILL A FROG!! HOLY SHIT, HE'S STILL A FROG!!! At this point, Sprite joins in on the fun and shrieks like a struck infant each time Frog-Link instinctively slurps up a passing insect. How charming a reaction it is. I think the Triforce gives them some cryptic string of clues to follow in order to break the curse, but I don't recall it that clearly. Oh, yeah! Link revealed his new look to the fairy after sheding an Elephant Man cloak. That part I remember. Oh, goody! Link found the end of the wall. He so pleased with him self! Hurray for Link! A witch shows up. It's a wall-witch, and I'm sure that means something. But do you really care at this point? Besides, I can't possibly hold back this next pic any longer: A common witchy greeting is ruined by the ignorant and misunderstanding Link. I hate him. The witch tells them, and this is important now, that a kiss from a princess will reverse the spell. What luck! ZELDA'S a princess! They just have to.... oh. That's right. Ganon's got her. I guess now they'll HAVE to save her. Damn. Ganon gets a glimpse of Zelda's kinkier, domineering side. A sound elsewhere in his dank halls alerts Ganon of an intrusion. As it turns out, it was just those pesky graphitti punks! Ooooh, they are PES-KY! But Ganon vaporizes them all with a mere point of his finger. Six-gun Ganon then blows the smoke from his powerful fingertip. Oh, yeah! The story! Link's knocked out again, and Sprite feels real sorry for him so she kisses him. This kiss somehow reverts him to his formal, dipshit self. (WHA-?!) Later, when asked how that happened, Sprite revealed, "Of course. My father is the king of the faeries, after all." Oh, good. Maybe then you should've helped out like TEN MINUTES AGO! Geez. STUPID!! This is a disturbing picture to me. Perhaps it is only me. Yes, perhaps. Anyway, Link throws a rug on Ganon and the day is saved. Link's plot device keeping him from locking lips with the sweet, sweet Zelda this episode is that a fly happens to meander near our hero, which he quickly snatches up and greedily devours. The princess is so disgusted (because he didn't share?) that she walks away and says the following: (actually, the subtitles don't appear until she is off-camera, so I added them in myself for added dramatc impact) This is an astonishingly lame phrase that I and all other Krang shall fight to work into modern-day slang as best we can. Join our cause and spread the word! DO IT! OK, before we continue with the next episode, I just need to get this out of the way and out of my system: Welcome to Fight Club. There. Now, on to the next swashbuckling tale! This episode is entitled "The Missing Link", and I almost prefer it to the last one because the "Excu-use ME, princess!" count is higher in this one. Our story begins with Zelda enjoying a lovely day in the courtyard of Hyrule castle when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!! The verybad Ganon arrives, in the MIDDLE of the place, with a handful of goons who start attacking. Well said, Ganon. But it looks as though his piggy legs must've atrophied to a point beyond functional use at this point. What a mighty Wand of Power! Luckily, Link is nearby, and he jumps into the fray while Zelda runs for help. Link had had his suspicions in the past, but this time he was certain that the evil Ganon wanted to steal his hat! Zelda returns with the Triforce, ON A LEASH, and deflects Ganon's too-technical-for-even-a-cursory-explanation "powerzap". I just SAID that, you horse's ass! The, *ahem*, "powerzap" bounces around a while until it finally, FINALLY, fries Link to a crisp! THANK GOD! Ganon wasn't expecting that, but is apparently satisfied enough to LEAVE HIS SUPERIOR BATTLEGROUND POSITION AND RETURN TO HIS LAIR!! Job well done! Ganon gives his best Bebop (from TMNT) impression. Zelda is left with the burdon of the death of her protector and would-be-boytoy weighing heavily upon her shoulders.... until his voice chimes in and absolutely RUINS the mood. "Whoa, watch it, Zelda! Or, on second thought...." It seems as though Ganon's "powerzap" merely destroyed Link's body. His spirit remains, and though Sprite confirms that she can hear him, only Zelda can see him. Gee, I wonder what that means? But Link and Zelda decide to return Link to his body, which is inside Ganon's Evil Jar. Now, we ALL know what THAT means, right? WACKY HIJINKS!! Case in point. Love this line. HEY! GET THAT DAMN FAIRY OFFA DA TRIFORCE! Meanwhile, Ganon and his Bulldog Brigade can't rouse Link's body no matter WHAT they do. But it doesn't seem to matter. Ganon remains pleased with his stupid, stupid accomplishment. Try poking him with a stick. Or, better yet, lots of sticks. Now inside the lair of the enemy, our heroes are enduring some of those HIJINKS I predicted would take place. It seems Zelda must use Link's sword should they be attacked, but she has such little swordfighting experience (LIES! All LIES! She's been in COUNTLESS circle-jerks!). This leads to the following snappy banter: Link: You swing like a girl! Zelda: That's because I AM a girl! Link: Yes, uh, I noticed. Zelda: UGH! Even as a ghost you're disgusting! Why she doesn't say "I'm grossed" I'll never understand. And I'll never forgive her. Then something happens that takes place entirely within the disturbing realm that is my mind: Link watches patiently as Zelda is boned by a Stalfoe (?). Zelda seems comfortable enough with the routine. But then Link, as usual, has to ruin it all by completly forgeting the fact that he is intangible and demanding a turn. The sound of Link's dreamy prepubecent voice triggers latent homoerotic desires in the skeletal powerhouse. And the poor guy immeadiately leaps into a calcified orgy, leaving an unfulfilled princess and a disappointed Link. The End. Hey, I wonder why only Zelda can see Link? Hmmm. So does Link, at this exact moment, and after the Stalfoes' report stating that the princess is conversing with an invisible Link, Ganon has it all figured out. He mutters the answer to the question that's on everyone's minds quietly to himself, but our nearby hiding heroes overhear. Big mistake: Link gives away their position by screaming the above subtitled lines like 50 times. Ganon is none too pleased, and insists that the princess is rightly his! Ok, I actually wrote in Ganon's subtitles. I couldn't resist. Link's tomfoolery gets Zelda busted and she is caught. But Link has more important matters to attend to: NO! Skeletor is going for Link's way-cool hat! "NOT MY HAT!! I knew it!" Link gets his body back, saves his hat, and IMMEADIATELY demands that the Stalfoe give him a bomb. Whotta guy! "Holy bejabbers!" So Link saves the day somehow and is reunited in both body AND spirit with the now-confirmed love of his life. Or so he thinks. I'm not making any promises I can't keep, lady. It turns out that Zelda loves Link "only a little". But she's still gonna give him a kiss. All right! Well, she was all set to at least, but then Link fell his dumb ass into a hole. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa. To end the episode, that little cockteaser Zelda gives a fade-to-black laugh. You know, the kind where one or all of the characters end the show on a high note in some predictably lame fashion. The difference here is that she laughs for like TWO FULL MINUTES before the fade out. Geez. NEXT TIME, on The Legend of Zeda!! Giants attack; Link saves Zelda. All pretty standard fare, to be honest. But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY'S PROBLEM?!! You'll have to tune in to find out! Don't miss the excitement! To take us out of here, I thought it would be nice to show you princess Zelda's TRUE nature. Prepare yourselves as we enter the seemy world of sin and sex Zelda's night life has become. A warning, though. Sexual deviancy is the name of the game here. This is not for the faint of heart (This means YOU, Link!). This is our beloved princess at her produce violating best! And this one I can't even bear to comment on (brings back too many unpleasant memories). Oh, boy. That's too much excess for ME, by gum! Well I hope you enjoyed our little glimpse of Hyrule and all it's splendor. All of the episodes I trust are as frightfully bizarre as the two on the SMBSS DVD (which I wholeheartedly recommend for immeadiate purchase, by the way). As for what I think of the show, I'd give it a score of 1 if I wasn't prepared to see the unintended humor just below the surface. But for those times when you need a good, 15-minute sustained laugh, give this show a shot. For its ability to have that affect on me, I offically bestow the score of A NEAR-PERFECT 9 for The Legend of Zelda. At least once more, before you go: Teleport outta Hyrule! Shows main page The HUB! * To any ladies out there, I am the sole creator of The Legend of Zelda animated masterpiece. Please e-mail me for directions to my home where you can show your undying appreciation.
Link is the heroic protector of princess Zelda and a complete moron. Although he always saves the day, he can never get any from Zelda. This is baffling considering how slutty she comes off as to me. He always comes THIS CLOSE to getting a kiss from her but he always manages to strike out before the credits roll. Quick to action, Link always retards things up in battle, yet always comes out on top. And then there's his voice. My God. If you havn't already, press the play button on the media bar under his above pic. Isn't that a FANTASTIC catch phrase? If you'd like to get a sense of what a typical episode is truly like while reading this, come back up here and press the play button after every few sentences. He says this painfully unfunny (yet somehow, amazingly STILL funny) line like a bajillion times each episode. FOR NO REASON. Why they decided to make him such a dumbass is beyond me, but it does lead to some hilarious, though not as intended, situations.
All these pics are from the two episodes so generously provided on the aforementioned SMBSS DVD, with only a few of them being altered by myself (in which case I'd hope it to be obvious, especially with the animations). This first set of pics comes from the episode titled "KISS'N TELL". In this riveting yarn, some forest-whore is trying to lure Link to her by using a three-headed dragon-guy (which has the greatest dialogue in the show, but can't be expressed through words alone). Instead, Zelda is taking a break from her constant vigil of gaurding the Triforce by taking a private ride with a fruit bastket. That's right, guys. Two girls, a horse, and a basket of fruit in the jungle! Oh, and the dragon. Nevermind. The self-empowered princess all but defeats the beast with various fruity treats and tries to get the "fair maiden" the hell outta there.
For times of peril, fruit renders dragons helplessly flailing.
The bitch, however, won't budge. She wants a more heroic rescue. She wants.... Link.
"Hello, ladies. Lemme just zip up, here...."
Link defeats the dragony menace, and, still getting the blue-balls treatment from Zelda, accepts the skank-maiden's reward of a kiss. Little does anyone expect the horror what follows....
HOLY SHIT! LINK'S A FROG! HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!!
Link's a frog.
"Look away, I'm hideous!"
This comes as a complete shock to everyone. Expecially to Link, who sees the girl he just swapped black magic spit with transform into a sexy androgynous mummy-thing. Yuck! But Zelda beats her ass and is left alone wth Link and a troubling dilemma. Could she truly love a Link-frog?
Nope!
Meanwhile, Ganon's lair is filled with an ear-splitting evil cackle as the jerk gets wind that his very stupid plan worked. He then snaps his fingers, which mysteriously allows him to teleport anywhere on the face of the planet. His destination? TWO FEET AWAY!! Intead of just WALKING (which you'll rarely see him do), he uses MAGIC to move to the other side of the room. What a dick. Anyway, he switches cackling positions before snaping and 'porting again, this time to parts unknown.
Proud owner of a brand-new Evil Jar.
Back with our heroes, Link has somehow managed to knock his damn self out and Zelda trips on a root. What breaks her fall is something too terrible for words.... so here's a clip!
With the foreknowledge that she is in an animated show, Zelda instinctively forces her mouth shut upon visual confirmation of a mass of slithering tentacles.
Obviously, Ganon has arrived with an Octorok (?) to claim the princess, since she'd have nothing to do with a frog guy. She has a thing for pigs, you see.
Y'know, come to think of it, Link seems to spend an awful lot of screen time this episode laying unconscious. But moving on....
I'm getting pretty sick of narrating this whole deal. it's not as though I'm adding any insight or digging deeper into the storyline and peeling back the layered veils of mystery and metaphor surrounding the Zelda phenomenon or anything. I think I'll just play the rest of this by ear.
Ganon is a happy li'l piggie with his pet spider-thingies. Then he leaves with Zelda. Yippie.
Link wakes up to find that he's STILL A FROG!! HOLY SHIT, HE'S STILL A FROG!!!
At this point, Sprite joins in on the fun and shrieks like a struck infant each time Frog-Link instinctively slurps up a passing insect. How charming a reaction it is. I think the Triforce gives them some cryptic string of clues to follow in order to break the curse, but I don't recall it that clearly. Oh, yeah! Link revealed his new look to the fairy after sheding an Elephant Man cloak. That part I remember.
Oh, goody! Link found the end of the wall. He so pleased with him self! Hurray for Link!
A witch shows up. It's a wall-witch, and I'm sure that means something. But do you really care at this point? Besides, I can't possibly hold back this next pic any longer:
A common witchy greeting is ruined by the ignorant and misunderstanding Link. I hate him.
The witch tells them, and this is important now, that a kiss from a princess will reverse the spell. What luck! ZELDA'S a princess! They just have to.... oh. That's right. Ganon's got her. I guess now they'll HAVE to save her. Damn.
Ganon gets a glimpse of Zelda's kinkier, domineering side.
A sound elsewhere in his dank halls alerts Ganon of an intrusion.
As it turns out, it was just those pesky graphitti punks! Ooooh, they are PES-KY!
But Ganon vaporizes them all with a mere point of his finger. Six-gun Ganon then blows the smoke from his powerful fingertip.
Oh, yeah! The story! Link's knocked out again, and Sprite feels real sorry for him so she kisses him. This kiss somehow reverts him to his formal, dipshit self. (WHA-?!) Later, when asked how that happened, Sprite revealed,
"Of course. My father is the king of the faeries, after all."
Oh, good. Maybe then you should've helped out like TEN MINUTES AGO! Geez. STUPID!!
This is a disturbing picture to me. Perhaps it is only me. Yes, perhaps.
Anyway, Link throws a rug on Ganon and the day is saved.
Link's plot device keeping him from locking lips with the sweet, sweet Zelda this episode is that a fly happens to meander near our hero, which he quickly snatches up and greedily devours. The princess is so disgusted (because he didn't share?) that she walks away and says the following:
(actually, the subtitles don't appear until she is off-camera, so I added them in myself for added dramatc impact)
This is an astonishingly lame phrase that I and all other Krang shall fight to work into modern-day slang as best we can. Join our cause and spread the word! DO IT!
OK, before we continue with the next episode, I just need to get this out of the way and out of my system:
Welcome to Fight Club.
There. Now, on to the next swashbuckling tale!
This episode is entitled "The Missing Link", and I almost prefer it to the last one because the "Excu-use ME, princess!" count is higher in this one. Our story begins with Zelda enjoying a lovely day in the courtyard of Hyrule castle when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!! The verybad Ganon arrives, in the MIDDLE of the place, with a handful of goons who start attacking.
Well said, Ganon. But it looks as though his piggy legs must've atrophied to a point beyond functional use at this point.
What a mighty Wand of Power!
Luckily, Link is nearby, and he jumps into the fray while Zelda runs for help.
Link had had his suspicions in the past, but this time he was certain that the evil Ganon wanted to steal his hat!
Zelda returns with the Triforce, ON A LEASH, and deflects Ganon's too-technical-for-even-a-cursory-explanation "powerzap".
I just SAID that, you horse's ass!
The, *ahem*, "powerzap" bounces around a while until it finally, FINALLY, fries Link to a crisp! THANK GOD! Ganon wasn't expecting that, but is apparently satisfied enough to LEAVE HIS SUPERIOR BATTLEGROUND POSITION AND RETURN TO HIS LAIR!! Job well done!
Ganon gives his best Bebop (from TMNT) impression.
Zelda is left with the burdon of the death of her protector and would-be-boytoy weighing heavily upon her shoulders.... until his voice chimes in and absolutely RUINS the mood.
"Whoa, watch it, Zelda! Or, on second thought...."
It seems as though Ganon's "powerzap" merely destroyed Link's body. His spirit remains, and though Sprite confirms that she can hear him, only Zelda can see him. Gee, I wonder what that means? But Link and Zelda decide to return Link to his body, which is inside Ganon's Evil Jar. Now, we ALL know what THAT means, right? WACKY HIJINKS!!
Case in point.
Love this line. HEY! GET THAT DAMN FAIRY OFFA DA TRIFORCE!
Meanwhile, Ganon and his Bulldog Brigade can't rouse Link's body no matter WHAT they do. But it doesn't seem to matter. Ganon remains pleased with his stupid, stupid accomplishment.
Try poking him with a stick. Or, better yet, lots of sticks.
Now inside the lair of the enemy, our heroes are enduring some of those HIJINKS I predicted would take place. It seems Zelda must use Link's sword should they be attacked, but she has such little swordfighting experience (LIES! All LIES! She's been in COUNTLESS circle-jerks!). This leads to the following snappy banter:
Link: You swing like a girl!
Zelda: That's because I AM a girl!
Link: Yes, uh, I noticed.
Zelda: UGH! Even as a ghost you're disgusting!
Why she doesn't say "I'm grossed" I'll never understand. And I'll never forgive her.
Then something happens that takes place entirely within the disturbing realm that is my mind:
Link watches patiently as Zelda is boned by a Stalfoe (?).
Zelda seems comfortable enough with the routine.
But then Link, as usual, has to ruin it all by completly forgeting the fact that he is intangible and demanding a turn.
The sound of Link's dreamy prepubecent voice triggers latent homoerotic desires in the skeletal powerhouse.
And the poor guy immeadiately leaps into a calcified orgy, leaving an unfulfilled princess and a disappointed Link.
The End.
Hey, I wonder why only Zelda can see Link? Hmmm. So does Link, at this exact moment, and after the Stalfoes' report stating that the princess is conversing with an invisible Link, Ganon has it all figured out. He mutters the answer to the question that's on everyone's minds quietly to himself, but our nearby hiding heroes overhear. Big mistake:
Link gives away their position by screaming the above subtitled lines like 50 times. Ganon is none too pleased, and insists that the princess is rightly his! Ok, I actually wrote in Ganon's subtitles. I couldn't resist.
Link's tomfoolery gets Zelda busted and she is caught. But Link has more important matters to attend to:
NO! Skeletor is going for Link's way-cool hat!
"NOT MY HAT!! I knew it!"
Link gets his body back, saves his hat, and IMMEADIATELY demands that the Stalfoe give him a bomb. Whotta guy!
"Holy bejabbers!"
So Link saves the day somehow and is reunited in both body AND spirit with the now-confirmed love of his life. Or so he thinks.
I'm not making any promises I can't keep, lady.
It turns out that Zelda loves Link "only a little". But she's still gonna give him a kiss. All right! Well, she was all set to at least, but then Link fell his dumb ass into a hole.
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.
To end the episode, that little cockteaser Zelda gives a fade-to-black laugh. You know, the kind where one or all of the characters end the show on a high note in some predictably lame fashion. The difference here is that she laughs for like TWO FULL MINUTES before the fade out. Geez.
NEXT TIME, on The Legend of Zeda!!
Giants attack; Link saves Zelda. All pretty standard fare, to be honest.
But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY'S PROBLEM?!! You'll have to tune in to find out! Don't miss the excitement!
To take us out of here, I thought it would be nice to show you princess Zelda's TRUE nature. Prepare yourselves as we enter the seemy world of sin and sex Zelda's night life has become.
A warning, though. Sexual deviancy is the name of the game here. This is not for the faint of heart
(This means YOU, Link!).
This is our beloved princess at her produce violating best!
And this one I can't even bear to comment on (brings back too many unpleasant memories).
Oh, boy. That's too much excess for ME, by gum! Well I hope you enjoyed our little glimpse of Hyrule and all it's splendor. All of the episodes I trust are as frightfully bizarre as the two on the SMBSS DVD (which I wholeheartedly recommend for immeadiate purchase, by the way). As for what I think of the show, I'd give it a score of 1 if I wasn't prepared to see the unintended humor just below the surface. But for those times when you need a good, 15-minute sustained laugh, give this show a shot. For its ability to have that affect on me, I offically bestow the score of
A NEAR-PERFECT 9 for The Legend of Zelda.
At least once more, before you go:
Teleport outta Hyrule! Shows main page The HUB! * To any ladies out there, I am the sole creator of The Legend of Zelda animated masterpiece. Please e-mail me for directions to my home where you can show your undying appreciation.
Teleport outta Hyrule!
Shows main page
The HUB!
* To any ladies out there, I am the sole creator of The Legend of Zelda animated masterpiece. Please e-mail me for directions to my home where you can show your undying appreciation.
