The Story is this: at the time of the Fall of Gornack, a great power rose in the Wideland. It's malevolent desire encomplassed the hearts of men and caused a massive case of diarrhea. The result was a plague of dysentary in which everyone died. The great power left. In other news, The Rutherford Uglys were placed on this Earth by the Great Diarrhea Power to carry on his work while he's out of town on business. When we hit the stage, we won't cause tears, we won't play catchy tunes, and we won't touch the darkness and bring back a peice for our fans (darkness isn't cheap you know). We may confuse you. We may rock a little bit. We may make you question your sexuality (don't lie to yourself, you want to kiss another man, don't you?). We will most certainly make you dump in your pants. Because that's what the Great Diarrhea Power placed us on the stage for. And we all lived dysentarily ever after. The End.
Spike was found in the woods in by the CIA in 1998. Several freaky government experiments had been performed on him, until he escaped four years ago. Because of horrible government tests his hair is falling out and he is addicted to sex. There seems to be no help for him. He can play guitar, however and yell very, very loud, so we keep him around in case of fire, or if we're playing a show with a bunch of pussies who need a culture shock. Once, Jed overheard him with his girlfriend and described the resounding noises as "squeals of joy." Put one sickening image in my head, I tell you what. He used to twitch at the sound of the word "slacks," which we also blame on goverment testing. He has ADHD. He has premature baldness. He has ceriasus. He has backne. He is one of the sexiest men alive. You know you want him. YOU WANT HIM NOW! And he'll take it. If he says something, someone's offended, somewhere. If he breaks his leg, we will probably shoot him.
Jochim is about 1/2 martian. His mother was abducted by aliens and impregnated with martian love juice. This is what gives jochim his super bong hitting powers and his magic bass playing fingers (martians rule at playing bass). But it also means the when the moon is full, his brains seep out through his nose and we have to put them back, but he's okay, the doctors say the brain damage isn't permanent, but the martians say he's fucked. proper fucked. He can also eat 15 twinkies in 5.23 seconds, setting the band record. Leighton tried to beat him once, but passed out from an msg overdose. It may be Jochim's superior genetic makeup. So Jochim work at the Muckleshoot casino now where he contributes to the ever-growing national gambling problem that everyone seems to have these days. But his conscience is clean. He doesn't have one.
He has 221 kills to his name: 21 disembowlings, 50 decapitations, 32 bludgeonings, 64 incinerations, 74 neck-breakings, and 0 gunnings down. Only 66 of these are confirmed but no one questions the rest. His breath reeks of human flesh. He joined the band after escaping te asylum and now we practice in his parents basement. Wondering where he got his name? That's easy. He twitches. His eyes.
<------see his eye twitch?
So come on down to his house, he's just sitting on his computer, listening to the music of Satan. Once, he went to Europe and got drunk with a bunch of europeans. He then killed them all and about 71 other people, which is why he hasn't gone back to Europe since then. He wants to play his drums with giant warhammers, but he decided that until he has a solid titanium drumset, that's out of the question.
Gringo Starr is pretty much a little bitch. His girlfriend dumped him, he became buddhist and stopped wearing shoes, washing himself and eating meat. WHAT A LITTLE HIPPY BITCH! HE MADE A GUITAR STRAP OUT OF YARN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! So, as per their agreement with Oprah and the Sunday Night Sex Show lady, the other members of the band take turns hitting him with fish, usually carp but sometimes the ocassional ceolacanth or sturgeon. When he steps up to the mic his lyrics are about the following:
1. Killing people
2. Beating the shit out of people
3. Hating everyone
4. Killing everyone
5. Pirates
6. Killing people
It is no joke that every set of lyrics that he has written for the Uglys refers to killing someone at some point in them. But he is a complete wuss offstage. He doesn't even talk to girls. His guitar work consists of barre chords and single notes in running lines. Hey screwed a rope guitar strap to the underside of his moms keyboard so he could have a ghetto keytar. He dreams of one day possessing a real keytar so he can make really really really really really really really really really really really really annoying nintendo noises.
Leigh-dogg smokes a lot of weed. I mean, really, I ain't fucking kidding, this kid smokes like like none other. When he was born, he fell out of his mom and demanded to go back in because he "dropped his stash on the way out." He could roll joints before he could walk and he was taking Sparklett's bottle GB hits at the age of five. When he's on stage, he was a bong in one hand and a trumpet in the other; sucking like Marley and blowing like Satchmo. I don't know if I can count the number of times that I saw him sporting the slogan "I-73 is right for me," even after the initiative didn't go through. Things he does while smoking pot: video games, trumpet, masturbating, listening to Reverend Horton Heat, Tiger Army, and Nekromantix, video games, eating, smoking pot, and video games. Note that these are things he does while smoking pot. He was the one that taught me that a trombone mouthpeice makes a great bowl. It's a lesson I'll never forget.
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