My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
It's been lovely but i have to scream now!.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
bus ...
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! .
I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Don't drink and drive - you might spill your drink..
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I souport publik edekasion.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
If you're not outraged yuo're not paying attention.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
I am not "A"bitch... I am "THE" bitch.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
