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| Humorous Quotes | |
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Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. "I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it. All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!! I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. If I save the whales, where do I keep them? If I save time, when do I get it back ? If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If in doubt, make it sound convincing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing. So many lawyers, so few bullets. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. The rich get richer; the poor get babies. This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong. Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty! A recent study says that 90% of men masturbate in the shower: The other 10% sing. Do you know what they sing? No! Oh, really?! I wonder what you do in the shower! I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight! Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control! Eat shit! A million flies can't be wrong. Jesus is coming, look busy. Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over. To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. "Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!" Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool! REHAB is for quitters. Men are like toilets: the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. It's all fun and games,'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a Sport! Concorde: Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns... ever notice how all our problems begin with Men? Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman. First type of sex:
House Sex: When you're newly married and God is walking through
the Garden of Eden, and he comes upon a very glum Adam, musing on a rock
next to a pool. "Why so down, Adam? Don't you like the lovely garden
I've created for you?" "It's not that, Lord. Your garden is
beautiful, and it's filled with wondrous creatures and good things to
eat. It's just that I'm so lonely." God says, "I could make
you a mate, someone who would be your intellectual equal, who would meet
your every need and satisfy your heart's desire... but it would cost you
an arm and a leg." A good way to threaten
somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then I saw on this nature
show how the male elk douses himself with urine One Man's Sunset is another Man's Dawn. -- Fievel Mouskawitz "Sure, everyone
always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or Sure God created
man before woman.. but then you always make a rough Christian: One
who believes that the New Testament is a divinely Although they have
tried to cover up the fact that mad cow disease In the beginning
the Universe was created... This made a lot of people Definition of Stress:
The confusion created when one's mind overrides The art of flying
is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. "Television
- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor Marriage is the
triumph of imagination over intelligence. The secret of success
is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got Life is a shit sandwich & everyday you take another bite. Life is like a
shit sandwich. He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. "From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life." -- Arthur Ashe A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist. "The optimist
proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; "Advice is
what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we "The direct
use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is ."He who hesitates
is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." "Man invented
language to satisfy his deep need to complain." "Somewhere
on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving "Start every
day off with a smile and get it over with." "Too bad the
only people who know how to run the country are busy "Doing a thing
well is often a waste of time." "Democracy
is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than I either want less
corruption, or more chance to participate in it." "The more
I study religions the more I am convinced that man never "'Tis better
to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and "I don't want
any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the "Last night
I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up "Life is a
moderately good play with a badly written third act." "The most
exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new "Living in
a vacuum sucks." "An intellectual
snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell "Crime does
not pay... as well as politics." "Why is it
that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality "A banker
is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is "A synonym
is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first "Blessed is
he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." "When people
are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each "A bank is
a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you "All animals
are equal but some animals are more equal than others." "It matters
not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win Sir, if you were
my husband, I would poison your drink. Lady Astor: "Mr.
Churchill, you're drunk!" "I know Kung
Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words." Love is like Pi:
natural, irrational, and very important. What we call human
nature, is actually human habit. When I was fourteen
years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile Don't think of
it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target There are two essential
basic strategies for success in business: Anyalyzing humour
is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the A woman may very
well form a friendship with a man, but for this to I contend that
we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god A youth becomes
a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares. Some of the greatest
writers this world has ever known have written I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx One of the major
functions of skin is to keep people who look at you We the unwilling
It is better to
have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. The way I see it,
if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with I think there is
a world market for maybe 5 computers. 640K ought to be
enough for anybody. You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker. Get busy living, or get busy dying.-- Shawshank Redemption The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen Based on what you
know about him in history books, what do you think Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck... Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. -- Arthur Ashe Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. -- Fran Lebowitz The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. -- David Friedman Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980) I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant 'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. -- Tommy Cooper Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the frog usually dies as a result. A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares. Some of the greatest writers this world has ever known have written their finest works while happily and blissfully drunk...and so shall I. I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up. -- Actual exam answer It is better to
have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train. I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to be deaf, dumb, and stupid? Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature. Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It's a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don't have. It's so simple-yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend. -- Graham J Weeks To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Computers can never replace human stupidity. Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites) (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control! Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians. If God dwells inside
us, like some people say, I sure hope He like
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