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  The ways in which the CA Bar exam has popped colla's all over the Iminator's shit...
 
I once had as promising a future as the "P-L-A-Y and K-I-D." Unfortunately for them (and for the Iminator), their savvy packaging and the killer-app hi-top fade could not compensate for their prodigious lack of discernable talent.
That's me. No, not making The Catch. I would be Everson Walls, mercifully blocked from the camera's eye in my ultimate moment of professional shame by the fortuitous placement of DC's crotch and ass all up in my grill. Just replace "87" with "2002" and you get the idea. 2002 is seriously poppin' collas' all over my shit.
  Shit that's decidedly below average...The Jim-Dex Bottom Ten:
 
1 Having to pay for and take the Bar a second time. How the hell am I going to do that?
2 Lactose Intolerance. Don't let me at some milk. It's bad enough for me, but much, much worse for those around me.
3 Fat fuckers at the gym who think they're on some Strongman shit just because they're fuckin' fat. Fuck you, fat fuck. You're just fat. So put your arms back to your sides, take some weight off the bar, exhale, and quit trippin'.
4 Being in a worse financial condition than the cats to whom I give change outside of Peet's. One guy has a pitch about "economic equilibrium for all this nation's people." Shit. I'm about $109,999 in edjucashunal debt away from my personal equilibrium, how 'bout you, patna?
5 Rubio's/Baja Fresh. Allegedly fresh Mexican fast-food has the same effect as (2) above.
6 My mind as my only asset. It's just too bad that I'm clearly not cut out for "thinking work." I'll be one educated-ass ball retriever at Malibu, though.
7 Being a Warrior fan for over 20 years. It's a life where you can NEVER, EVER respond when people talk shit. Ever. "What, punk. Adonal Foyle. Now what." Pathetic.
8 Having a serious inferiority complex about barely graduating from a ninth tier law school. Knowing that, had anyone from US News and World Report actually attended that shit, the rating would be precipitously worse.
9 Being a chronic underachiever. With the stultifying inability to shake yourself out of it. See also: God's Son Nasir Jones, Demetrius Mitchell.
10 The first day of Rhetoric 1A at Cal. My life veered irretrievably off course the second this enormous bespectacled Chinese man in the desk to my left arose from his seat and proclaimed, "My name is Big League Choogle. I'm from Long Island, New York." Hundreds of missed classes and Sapporos at the Bear's Lair later, I'm a dead-broke, Bar-failing, underachieving loser, dropped twice this year, and whose car just won't stop billowing smoke. Damn.
  The Jim-Dex Heavy Rotation Top Ten (version 1.0)
 
1 Choogle's occasional linguistic foibles. ("Orca" is a great big whale; "okra" is a nasty ass vegetable, playa.) Apparently, they don't teach that distinction in TOEFL-prep class.
2 Chicken fajita burrito at Portumex with no beans and extra chicken. Better than Pepito's, AND it won't jack up your innards. At least…not as much.
3 Still trying to find some Patent Navy Dunks in a 13. Non-skater style-that means no extra-fat tongue, please.
4 People Under the Stairs. Fat black DJ like them old school crews.
5 The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton. Man, you can't front like you're on some intelligence shit at the café if you're nose deep in a copy of Import Tuner. Plus, if you just failed the Bar like I did, it might help your psyche to know that Nietzche, by his own admission, had it all wrong when he was about my age too. Yeah…me and Nietzche done both fucked it up.
6 Old Rocks
7 Workout tips from Cap'n Fitness. That Pakistani dude at the gym be knowin' some crazy shit. Word of advice though: EXACTLY ZERO LADIES AT THE GYM ARE TRYING TO HOLLA AT YOU!
8 Peet's Decaf. Feel totally emasculated ordering up a hot cup of decaf, but ulcers are an even less attractive option.
9 Dilated Peoples. Crescent Heights is definitely in rotation. Too bad I didn't know exactly where that was until, about, two days ago thanks to the Flossyphobe. Now I just don't get it.
10 Being a member of your own fan club. I have to say that I renounced my membership a few weeks ago, but I'm working up the motivation to rejoin. It's seriously going to take some time, though.