Sweet Transvestite
Once again, the camcorder took in the scenery as the car revved past the trees, bushes, and other miscellaneous greenery. An owl had been following the Rolls for quite some time now. It was a plain, brown ordinary looking creature that, unfortunately, could not go eighty miles an hour and so, was lagging desperately behind the car. It finally had its chance to catch up to them when the car was forced to pull over at a nearby gas station.
The camcorder focused on the station's name and then to the station itself, zooming in on the Muggle behind the register.
"You really don't have to tape this, Severus," Lucius was saying as he got out from the car.
"Oh, but I must, Lucius," Severus replied, also opening up his door to get a better view. "You said to record everything we see and do on this trip. Here's a fine thing to be reminded of. Lucius Malfoy, ladies and gentlemen, about to pump gas into his car."
The camcorder did a close up on Lucius who extended the one-finger salute.
Severus' delight was short lived, however, as the brown owl finally caught up with the occupants in the vehicle and landed onto the end of the camcorder, using it as its perch.
Severus shook the Muggle contraption and tried shooing the bird away. It hooted at him angrily and pecked at his fingers, the letter it had been carrying now resting on the lens, blocking everything in sight.
Severus snatched the letter away from the camera, hoping it didn't scratch the lens any. Message now delivered, the owl took back off into the sky.
"It's for you," Severus muttered, once again getting the camcorder steady, focusing on Lucius who put the pump on auto and walked over to him. Lucius took the letter, keeping a withering glare on Sev at the same time and then directed it to the message. Severus performed a close up on the note, reading the address.
"Why are we getting letters from Mulciber? He isn't the kind of guy who writes letters."
"He's one of my contacts. Get the damn thing off my shoulder, Snape."
Severus backed away, knowing when it was time to press and time to, well, not to. Lucius opened the letter, read it quickly and then burned it.
Severus was very, very glad that he had left the car doors open.
"How many times, Lucius?"
Lucius maintained his silence.
"How many damn times do I have to tell you that Incendio spells and gasoline do not mix? How many?"
Lucius kept silent.
The camcorder was focused on the smoldering wreckage of the gas station. Draco, having been torn from his electronic, hand-held video apparatus, was looking out the rear window.
"Sweet!" Was all he had to say.
"At least the car was filled up. And we didn't have to pay this time," Lucius offered, trying to keep his tone apologetic but was trying not to laugh at the same time.
"I really hope, for my sake at least, that the Ministry does not hear about this," Severus re-directed the camcorder back to its proper place and again, filmed scenery. It was so much easier than getting a good shot of the burned down gas station.
"The Ministry won't care. The Muggles have too many of the damn things anyway. Do relax, Sev. Sit back, have some fun. These things happen."
"Oh, yes, Lucius. They happen every day." He then focused the camcorder back on the driver of the car. "Anyone ever tell you you're a pyromaniac?"
"Aren't you interested in what Mulciber had to say?"
"Not really."
"Dudley is staying with his mother and Aunt Marge. Vernon is alone."
"So?"
"So this coincides with my plan. I'd been counting on this." Lucius turned his head and gave Severus an award-winning smile. "This is going to be fun."
Fun and Severus' self-preservation never went hand in hand when dealing with Lucius' ideas. In fact, they tended to be just the exact opposite. Severus did not ask anything else. He did not dare to. He would just sit there, tape, and be silent. Silence helps when dealing with potential threats.
Draco was laughing. Hysterically. Normally Lucius would not have minded this if they had not been seated in a fancy, quiet restaurant. The customers were already giving them looks due to their wardrobe.
Severus sat in glowering, angry silence.
Lucius simply grinned that irritating smug grin of his.
The camcorder took in everyone at the table, having been propped up on a tripod. It gave the viewer a good view of the diners and the Muggles around the trio.
"This is your idea of a joke, isn't it?" Severus asked, teeth clenched tightly together. "I expect you to start laughing any minute now."
"It's no joke. I think it will work."
"I hardly see how me dressing up as a whore will.." Severus lowered his voice after seeing the looks that had been thrown his way. "As some harlot will help us any. Personally I think you're just getting off to this ridiculous plot in order to make me look like a fool and to give you some laughs."
Lucius looked at him, almost pityingly. "You don't think I'd do that, would you?"
Yes, yes he did. Severus would think Lucius would do that if given half the chance, not even that much! But there was no way he could tell Lucius that. He settled for sitting back in his chair, glowering at the soufflé in front of him. "Explain this to me again."
Draco leaned forward and tried to grab for the wine. His hand was slapped by Lucius.
"It is quite simple. You use your, ah, talents, stand by a corner and when Vernon Dursley comes by, seduce him. Once he's in a back ally, we jump him."
"Jump him. Please don't say that right now."
"Sorry."
"I don't like this 'seduce' thing either."
Lucius sighed. "Look, Severus. You're the only one of us who can manage to do a decent imitation of a sultry chick."
Severus was not sure how to take that as.
Lucius went on. "You've enticed others before. You know how to turn on the charm."
"So do you. Why don't you do this instead? This was your idea," Severus frowned at himself. Was that a whine he had heard?
"Because I'm needed in the background. And you can pull off the whore-look so well."
Severus resisted the urge to throttle the other man. Damn Lucius! Damn him and his ridiculous ideas and plans and need for 'fun.' Damn him and his son who was sitting there, hurling the small potatoes at a nearby customer. Damn himself for going along with this.
Because he knew that if he didn't, the consequences would be much worse. If only due to the fact that Lucius would have to decide them. It would be best to just play along, despite the utter humiliation he would face. "This had better not be taped."
"Severus," Lucius lifted his wine glass to his mouth, "I would never dream of doing that to you." He took a sip, the shine of the glass reflecting in his eyes.
"Draco, stop hurling your food at the Muggles."
Lucius propped the camcorder back up on the tripod in the hotel room. He took a step back, standing between the two beds so that he was in full view. "Plan A is now in motion. Severus is getting ready in the bathroom and soon we shall be on our way." He gave an insidious smirk and wink at the camera. "Just between us, the guy wears fishnets with all the class of my wife. Though he looks better out of them."
A sudden thunking sound was heard from the bathroom.
Then Draco's voice rang out. "That wasn't my fault!"
Severus' smooth voice followed, filled with repressed anger. "Get the shoe out of the toilet, Draco. Now."
A sloshing noise followed. Lucius turned back to the camera. "As I was saying, tonight shall be the slaying of one Vernon Dursley." He reached over onto the bed and pulled up the picture of Vernon, holding it in front of the camera.
Another sound from the bathroom and the picture fell to be greeted with Lucius looking back at the wall that separated him from Severus and Draco.
"Hand me the razor, Draco."
A whirring noise filled the air.
Lucius, once again, looked back at the camera. "The plan was outlined in the restaurant. I must warn you that the action tonight might get a bit intense, so if there are any crybabies, religious fanatics, or whining single mothers out there who are uncomfortable with watching such material, I'd advise you to hit the stop button now."
A loud crash came from the bathroom.
"Dammit, Draco," Severus tightly-controlled anger had come breaking through. "You said you had it zipped up."
"I thought I did! I just missed a clasp. You're not holding still long enough!"
Lucius grinned at the camera. "This should prove to be entertaining if nothing else." He reached up and turned off the camera.
"Is it focused, father?" Draco asked, holding his hairbrush upside down to act as a microphone. Lucius steadied the camcorder onto Draco's face, zooming it back so it showed him perfectly clearly. The machine wasn't all that hard to operate.
Draco was standing in front of a street, dressed in his finest robes for the camera. Behind him a few cars went past and Muggles walked down the street. A few hookers stood at a streetlight, passing around a cigarette lighter. One of the people on the street kept quite a good distance between himself and the others.
"This is Draco Malfoy, coming to you live and in color from Wizard-vision!" Draco beamed happily at the camcorder. "You are witnessing one of the greatest moments of our time. Behind me stands one Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master Extraordinaire."
The camcorder zoomed out to the lone figure standing on the curb.
"Or is he?" Draco's voice continued though he could no longer be seen. "Tonight, we expose the secrets of Severus Snape to the world. No one, not even his students know about this perverted side of him."
Severus Snape was not a happy camper. Severus Snape did not like having to shave his legs. Severus Snape did not like the color of the gown, nor its low cut style, nor the stiletto heels he was forced into wearing. He was also not too particular about the fishnet tights. He vowed revenge on Lucius and his spawn for this humiliation. But what he hated most was the fact that he knew Lucius and Draco were taping this and they were too far away for him to hear what they were saying.
The camcorder zoomed back to Draco.
"Horrifying, isn't it? Such a strange, perverted creature. This came as quite a shock to some people. One Arthur Weasley in particular."
The camcorder was then jarred harshly as it was handed from Lucius to Draco as it now focused on Lucius, donned in a red wig and ratty looking robes. The effect was ruined horribly by Lucius' snickering.
Lucius took the inverted hairbrush from Draco's hand. "I am shocked and horrified by this display. But then, Professor Severus Snape seems to be displaying what we Muggle-lovers call 'Evolution.'"
"So you believe Snape shows Muggle traits by dressing up as a woman?" Draco's voice came form, obviously, off-camera.
"Oh, yes. Most assuredly. Perverted creatures they are."
Another jarring of the camera and Lucius took it back, taking off his own disguise and waiting for Draco to don his own. Draco's voice came once again.
"We also have Harry Potter with us today to give us his opinion."
And then the camera focused on Draco, who had a brown wig and a penciled scar on his forehead. Draco adopted a nasally voice for his disguise. "I don't mind it. I think it makes Professor Snape seem sexy," Fake Potter said.
The camera zoomed back onto Snape as Draco took off his disguise and rubbed away the fake scar, leaving a smudge on his forehead. "And there you have it, folks," he said in his normal voice. "The true nature of Severus Snape."
Once again, the camera zoomed in to watch Snape as twin laughs rang out into the night.
Severus glared across the street at them, thinking some very not-so-nice thoughts. They were probably laughing at him. Bastards. Nothing good could ever come of the Malfoys.
And these heels were killing him! He toyed with the idea of taking them off but the ground was littered with cigarette butts and he didn't feel like picking up some stray intestinal worm from off the ground. Muggles were such filthy creatures at times.
Lucius and Draco had gotten back in the car, the window rolled down. Draco had sat in the back seat despite his protestations so that Lucius could have a clear view of Severus. All too soon a familiar car pulled up alongside Severus.
"Dad, that's the Muggle's car!" Draco cried out quietly, leaning against the window of the car.
"I know, Draco, hush." This wasn't exactly working out to plan. Vernon should have been walking, not riding in the car. He continued taping. It seemed as though Vernon had called out to Severus. Severus abandoned his perch against the back of the wall and sauntered over, leaning against the side of the Dursley's car.
Lucius did a close-up shot of Vernon. "Even if this doesn't go well, Potter's aunt will have a clear-cut case for divorce."
Draco watched, straining for a better view. "What if Snape gets in the car and they.."
Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Severus opened the car door and slid in. Vernon took off and Lucius immediately looked at Draco. "Get in the front seat. Now."
Draco clambered up and Lucius handed the camera to him. "Keep taping."
Draco grinned, then smiled, then bared his teeth in a very feral, insane grin. He rolled down the window as Lucius pulled the Rolls out of its parking spot and began to follow Vernon's car.
Draco stuck his head and the camera out the window and continued taping, the camera picking up everything that was happening in front of it. It captured Vernon's license plate number and the back of Severus and Vernon's heads.
Severus was definitely not a happy camper. Not only was he uncomfortable in the outfit, he also had to discourage and encourage the advances that the dumb Muggle was making to him. He was being pawed by this idiot now. Placing a hand on Vernon's larger one, keeping it from sliding further up his leg, he smiled coyly at him, hoping that Lucius was following him and could handle this reversal of plans. It hadn't been his intention to go with the man, but Vernon wouldn't hear of going into a back ally. Too common for him.
Pity Lucius couldn't think of everything, Severus thought acidly. He then made the mistake of checking the side window of the passenger seat and spotted a familiar Rolls heading after him with an even more familiar blond head poking out of the window.
Good gawd, they were taping this! More than anything, Severus wanted the world to swallow him up and save him from this fate.
They had better edit this thoroughly later on.
"Whoo hoo!" Draco couldn't resist yelling as the wind brushed past him. He'd never had this much fun in his life!
Lucius allowed him that much, needing to keep his eyes on the road. He had to follow the Muggle car, but not so quickly as to let Vernon get suspicious. This had to be treated with care and he dearly hoped Vernon was going to a hotel or somewhere nearby.
Such was not the case. It was much to his shock and slight horror that Vernon Dursley pulled into the drive of his own house.
Lucius continued going past it, needing to park somewhere else, away from prying eyes.
"Dad, you passed it!" Draco said, still taping.
"I know. Relax. Sev can wait awhile."
Severus was becoming increasingly uneasy. He took off his belt after they had stopped and looked out the mirror once again. There went the Rolls and his safety for the evening. Damn Lucius! Damn Draco! Damn this whole situation!
Vernon took off his belt.
"Wait." Now or never, Severus. He could continue this facade, or he could continue to be pawed at until Lucius found a safe place to hide out and then come to rescue him.
Rescue. Such a demeaning idea.
Particularly when it involved saving him from some oversexed Muggle buffoon.
Now was the time to act, he decided. Screw Lucius and his little games. "I'm a man."
The important thing was to keep calm, Severus decided as he pulled off the clip on earrings. He hoped the Muggle wouldn't get violent or make that big a show.
To his utter horror, Vernon Dursley did neither.
"And so am I!" The large man flung himself onto Severus, who screamed. Loudly.
Lucius had found a parking spot a few blocks down and would have been at Severus' side sooner if only he hadn't grabbed the second camcorder, loaded it with a blank video tape, made sure the settings were correct, and then locked up the car tightly. One could never be too careful around Muggles.
Draco had followed him out of the car, watched him as he got the other camera ready and had memorized just how his father had done so. He wanted to be prepared just in case.
The two blonds, each carrying a camcorder, ran their way down the street, past the driveways, getting closer to the Dursley household.
Hopefully Severus would be able to handle himself. If not, well, Lucius grinned. If not then they were in for some major editing.
Severus was out of the car and walking, barefoot, towards them. His expression was one of blank distaste. Underneath his cold exterior, he was a mass of anger and slightly ebbing rage. "What took you two so long?" He asked, pleasantly enough.
Lucius made sure to film Severus' complete attire, now partially ripped from Vernon's clumsy hands.
"Dare I ask what happened to your shoes?"
In response, Severus jerked his thumb towards Dursley's car.
Draco performed the close-up on Vernon while Lucius continued to oogle over Severus.
Vernon Dursley had one of Severus' stiletto heels firmly implanted in his chest. The other heel had impaled him through the throat.
"He was making advances. And since a certain idiot took away my wand, I had no choice but to use what was available to me at the time. Besides, after the time spent at your Manor," Severus sneered, "I've gotten used to going around barefoot."
Lucius pouted. "You could have waited for us."
"No, I couldn't have." And for once, Lucius didn't argue the point. Probably because Severus had snatched away the camcorder from Lucius' hand and was threatening to shove it up somewhere. Lucius smiled and then said something along the lines of, "But then you wouldn't fit either."
Draco took the cue and turned off his camcorder.