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The 12 Steps from a Buddhist Perspective
Taking Refuge as a Higher Power
Admitting When We Are Wrong While Refraining from Blaming Others
Handling Others' Projections of Character Defects We Actually Have
The Unbearable Cuteness of Consumer Addiction
Being the Best versus Doing my Best
Should I Be Ashamed of Myself? Powerlessness and Unmanageability as Manipulation
Moral Inventory with Self-Love
The Process of Awakening to a Non-Defensive Self
“Shoulds” are beliefs that lead to self-harming behaviors and increase both our own and others’ suffering. For example:
I should be able to help you. (I get frustrated to the point of anger when I can’t.)
I should always put others’ needs ahead of my own. (I get suicidally depressed when I see that this is unreasonable.)
I should stop dwelling on my own suffering and pay attention to others. (I beat up on myself when this seems impossible.)
“Shoulds” are not an effective way to deal with ourselves (or anyone else, for that matter) because they trigger defensive blaming and self-justification. For example:
I should be able to help you, BUT I can’t because YOU refuse to help yourself.
I should always put others’ needs ahead of my own, BUT I can’t because THEY never return the favor and make me feel guilty about how needy I am.
I should stop dwelling on my own suffering and pay attention to others, BUT I can’t because THEY keep accusing me of things that increase my suffering and keep me focused on it.
In each of these cases, what others are doing is beside the point. The real question is, How do I want to act, regardless of what anyone else is doing?
I want to do my best to help you, regardless of whether or not you accept my help.
I want to be of service to others, regardless of whether or not they are of service to me.
I want to be comfortable enough with myself to let go of my pain and become genuinely curious about others, regardless of whether or not they are capable of treating me well.
I act the way I want to act because this is how I can feel better about myself. This is changing something I can change.
If you don’t accept my help by helping yourself, I am still okay with myself because I know I am doing what I want to do for you, not what you expect me to do for you.
If you do not reciprocate my service to you, I am still okay with myself because I know I am doing what I want to do; I do not project the ideals I strive for onto your expectations of me.
If you dwell on my suffering, I am still okay with myself because I know I am doing what I want to do; I can choose where to focus my attention, whether that is on myself or you.
Ignoring our “shoulds”—our frequently unreasonable expectations of ourselves—is one of the sneakiest ways we have of avoiding responsibility for our feelings and for how we act on those feelings. We make ourselves miserable by projecting our own unreasonable expectations onto others.
I am the one who expects to be able to help you. When I take responsibility for wanting this, it doesn’t matter whether you expect it or not.
I am the one who expects myself to put everyone else’s needs before my own. When I take responsibility for wanting this, it doesn’t matter whether they expect it or not.
I am the one who expects to let go of my pain and focus on others. When I take responsibility for wanting this, it doesn’t matter what others expect me to do.
If we want to be happy, it doesn’t help to focus on what we think others expect of us; what helps is figuring out what we really want to do, and owning that. Owning what we really want makes it possible to see without judgment whether our expectations of ourselves are reasonable, and if not, amending those expectations.
I am willing to do the best I can to help you, and let go of the result because I acknowledge your need to take responsibility for yourself.
I am willing to do the best I can to meet others’ needs, and let go of the result because I acknowledge that my own needs warrant attention.
I am willing to do the best I can to focus on others, and let go of the result because I acknowledge my own painful feelings when I experience them.
How do we know when we are truly letting go of the results of our efforts? When we can experience our negative feelings without directing them toward an object of judgment—whether that object is somebody else or ourselves—then we know we are letting go.
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It is a 12 Step Tradition not to have any opinion on "outside issues" such as religion or spirituality. Therefore, I wish to emphasize that all the writings on this site are my own personal experiences in recovery, and do not reflect the views of any 12 Step program or group.
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