Little Sister

Author: Amy

Slvrbttn@aol.com

Summary: Buffy ponders Dawn and how the fight with Glory will turn out.

Spoilers: Through The Weight Of The World.

Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. But I'm certain they like me better.

Rating: PG13

Distribution: Just ask. I'll say yes.

Feedback: It's a perfect yum.

I love her.

Now that things are almost over, I love her more than I could ever say. More than I could describe, even to myself. It's more than a feeling inside of me; it overpowers me until I'm weak in the knees, so thankful that she's been a part of my life for this long. I want to cry with pride that she's who she is, that she's brave and strong and funny and sweet. That she's annoying and lovable and that she trusts me with her life, with her precious life. Such a precious life.

Yes, I know. I've been told over and over that she's not who I think she is, not really, but that's not true. She may be a Key, but I'll never be able to see her as anything but my little sister.

Maybe I appreciate her more now, maybe the knowledge of what she really is has made me treat her better, but I don't see it. She's not a key. Not this kid. Not my Dawn.

And she is mine. She was given to me, made for me to protect. She's mine all the way, but I can't stop seeing the day my mom and dad brought her home from the hospital. Even after Willow pulled me out of my subconscious, even though I'm awake now, that's all that's in my head. She was so little and tiny and real. And it happened. It did.

I gave up for a second and for that I'll always feel guilty but no more. I'm never going to give up on her again. She's the most important thing in the world to me, especially now that my mother is gone. She's everything that's good, and sweet and pure. I'm pretty sure she's the reason I became the Slayer... I'm damn sure she's the reason I keep doing what I do even now that things are as screwed up as they can get.

I promise, God, if you're out there... I promise to work harder at being the Slayer. I promise to kill all of the demons, scouring the world if I have to until each of them are gone, until there's not a shred of evil left in this world if I can keep Dawn in my life. I promise that I'll do everything that you want me to, keep at my duties with a new purpose, believe that I can get it done and even be thankful that I'm around to do it if Dawn can live.

I promise to be good.

Oh... Please? Oh, God, please?

I remember when Dawn was eight and got the flu and I caught it just before going to my seventh-grade dance. I remember how much I hated her then, blaming her for something that she really had no control over. I remember all of the times I've hated or resented her, all of the times I yelled at her or hurt her or ignored her just because she was younger and wanted to tag along with her big sister or because she did something that bugged me like eavesdropping on one of my phone calls.

I won't be like that anymore. I can't lose her. She's my family. Whatever else she is, she's my family. I've lost my mother. I barely know my dad. Do I have to lose Dawn too?

Dawnie.

She loves me. She trusts me. How can I let down such a pure emotion as trust? How can I look into her eyes and... How am I supposed to kill her? Even for the fate of the world, how am I supposed to do that?

Angel was different. I gave Angel my soul, but he couldn't be a part of me the way that Dawn is. No one can. And now I'm supposed to sever that tie? Gaze into the eyes that are so blue you feel like you're sailing on them and what? Tell her I'm sorry? Tell her that her big sister is going to kill her now. 'It's okay, Dawnie, I have to do this. I have to kill you because if I don't, everyone else will die.'

I don't give a damn about everyone else.

I won't do it. I won't. I've taken on all of the responsibilities I've been given. Sometimes I've complained, sometimes I've wanted to quit, a couple of times I even did. But I won't kill my sister.

Not for six billion strangers. Not for my father. Not for the lives of Giles or my closest friends in the world. Not even for me. I'd rather die than hurt that girl. I probably will die and I don't care. This is my last stand, my last rebellion against being the Slayer. If I don't beat Glory then I don't. Dawn dies anyway. But I'm not going to be the one to kill her.

That's just not in me.

I'll give it all up for her. I'll give up Willow, who lets me lean on her whenever I need to. I'll give up sweet, funny Xander, who doesn't know how wise he sometimes can be. I'll give up Giles who has helped me in ways that I'll never be able to thank him for. I'll give up Riley, who I love with all my heart.

I'll give up Angel, who I love with all my soul.

I have to save her. I don't know how I'd live if she was gone. She's my reason. My only hope. She's...

She's my little sister.

That's all. How can Giles tell me that I have to kill my little sister? Someone who I took care of, someone whose hair I pulled, someone who I love like this? There's no love equal to this in the world.

I always thought I'd never live long enough to be a mother. But at least now I know how much my mother loved me, because now I love Dawn like that.

She's flawed, sullen at times, rebellious, high-strung and high maintenance. And she's perfect.

It seems like forever since Giles told me that Dawn has to die, but forever hasn't gone by. There are tears on my face, but I don't know when I started crying, looking into Giles's eyes in the past two minutes. I can see that he wants to comfort me but doesn't know how, doesn't know what kind of hug or reassuring words will take this pain away, since he can't take back what he said. But that's okay. As much as I love Giles, I'd kill him this very second if he touched me or said one more word.

Maybe he knows that.

And so I try to stop my mouth from trembling, try to block off my tears for the few seconds it takes to say what I'm going to say and when I do, I look at him again.

"No."

And then I turn, leaving him with that. Leaving all of them with that. To hell with the world, if need be.

They're not taking my little sister.

The End

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