Buffus the Bacchae Slayer
A Watcher's Council Round Robin
Disclaimers: We, of course, do not own any characters portrayed within the story. They are the property of The Buffy people and the Xena people respectively.
Notes: This is a Xena/Buffy Crossover, suggested by the recent Xena episode, "The Play's The Thing" in which Gabrielle has written a play about her and Xena's adventures. Just prior to it's performance, one of the critics mentions that if the play is no good a new play called "Buffus The Bacchae Slayer" is playing across the street. And so came the idea to actually send the cast of Xena to see this play, based of course on our favorite show. By the way, at the end of the episode Joxer is left hanging upside down in the back of the theatre. Okay, now, on with the show. . .
Prologue, by Mediancat
It took Xena and Gabrielle only a matter of hours to remember that Joxer was still trapped somewhere inside the Apollo theater.
When they walked back to where he was, Xena looked up at him and commented, "So, Joxer. You always hang around the backs of theatres?"
Joxer snorted. "Ha. Ha. Very funny, Xena. Now could you cut me down?"
Xena and Gabrielle looked at each other and shrugged. Then Xena pulled out her sword and in one smooth motion swung it towards the rope.
Joxer shouted, "Hey!" Xena's iron control froze the sword inches from the rope. "No, you don't, Xena. I can see where this is going. You swing the sword and cut the rope and I drop to the stage floor and land on my head and you all stand around and laugh. Well, not this time!"
Gabrielle muttered, "Well, your head is the hardest part of your body to injure --"
"Well, then," Xena said, ignoring her young companion's comment, "What do you suggest we do, Joxer? You're not coming down on your own."
"Hmmmm." The would-be warrior made a great show of thinking. "I know! Lift me up so I can grab the higher rope, you cut in between, then I come down!"
"She'd have to slice through either your head or your arms," Gabrielle commented.
"Well. I've got it! Xena can catch me while Gabrielle swings the sword."
"She doesn't use weapons anymore," Xena said. "It's not part of the way of peace."
"Then give me the sword. I'll hack myself free!" The pair of women seemed a little dubious. Joxer got an "it's-so-simple" look on his face. "That way, when I fall I'll know when!" They still seemed unsure. "I can brace myself! Just give me the sword!"
Handing her sword to Joxer, Xena stepped back to join Gabrielle. "Ten to one he still lands on his head," Gabrielle whispered upwards.
"No bet," the warrior princess whispered back.
Joxer overheard them and, twisting his body wildly, shouted "Hey!" In his twisting, his swordarm sliced neatly through the rope and he plummeted five feet to crash into the theater floor.
"I should have taken your bet," Xena commented to Gabrielle. "His rear end hit first."
Then they reached down to help Joxer up, making sure despite their jokes that he wasn't really injured. He didn't seem to be, thank the gods, and the three of them walked -- well, two walked, one staggered clumsily, and no bonus points if you guess which one staggered.
As they walked out of the theatre they ran into Criticus of Varietus again. He walked up to Gabrielle and said, "Gabrielle. It occurs to me that it may have seemed as though I dismissed your play too hastily. I did not mean to do so. I just feel you could use some work and then perhaps you may be, well, a competent playwright."
"Um, thanks, but --" Gabrielle began, only to be interrupted by Criticus going full-tilt, paying no attention to the bard.
"Accordingly, I have procured for you - -and your, sniff, companions -- a pair of seats at Buffus the Bacchae Slayer."
"It's okay," Joxer began, "I couldn't possibly sit down right now anyway."
Xena looked at Gabrielle, they both shrugged and thought, "Why not?" and walked down the street to the theatre where Buffus the Bacchae Slayer, written by one Giaus'ouidenne, a young playwright from a distant land, was getting ready to start.
Part 1, by Danielle
Gabrielle and Xena took their seats near the front of the theater. "Well", Gabrielle began, "He may be a jerk, but at least he's got enough pull to get good seats."
Xena shrugged and turned her eyes to the stage where the curtain began to pull back. "Shhh. It's starting.", she told her companion. Both women quieted and relaxed into their chairs.
On the stage a young couple walked through what seemed to be a heavily wooded area.
Boy: "See, I told you it would be exciting."
Girl: "Petronius, I'm scared. Are you sure we're not going to get into trouble."
Boy: "Don't be silly. There's no one here." (A noise sounds off stage)
Girl: "Then what was that?"
The boy walks ahead, seeming to check out the area. Seeing nothing, he turns back to the girl.
Boy: "No, all quiet. We're all alone- no one here, not even an animal."
Girl: "Good. Then there'll be no one to hear you scream!" She turns to him, elongated fangs protruding from her mouth and leans into the boy's neck, killing him. The curtain flies shut.
Gabrielle turned to Xena. "You know, I'm not sure that was an accurate portrayal of a Bacchae- you know when I was a bacchae…"
Xena shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Gabrielle it's only a play. Now stop critiquing it and enjoy."
Gabrielle stopped herself and turned back to watch the stage, where the second scene was unfolding.
A young girl, presumably Buffus, is asleep in her bed, tossing and turning. With a gasp, she sits upright in bed, her eyes flying open.
Buffus: "Gods, I thought in a new Village, these nightmares would go away!"
Joycia (down stage): "Buffus, time to get up! You don't want to be late for your first day at a new school, do you?"
Grumbling, Buffus rises and gets changed into her clothes. She climbs down the ladder from her room into the main room of her house.
Buffus: "Good Morning , mom."
Joycia: "Good morning to you, dear. Ready for your first day?"
Buffus: "Yes, I just hope I don't have a hard time meeting new people."
Joycia: "Well, as long as you don't burn anything down, you should be fine. This is a very good school, Buffus, and after we got banished from Athens because of your behavior, I just want you to do well."
Buffus: "I will, mom. I promise, nothing burns."
Joycia: "Good." She hands her a piece of bread. "You can eat on your way to school. Bye dear. Have a good day." Joycia kisses her daughter on the cheek and steers her toward and out the door.
Buffus (to herself): " A good day I can do. It's the nights I'm worried about." She sighs and walks off stage as the curtain draws for the next scenery change.
more to come...