Subj:  Assignment 6: Allowances
Date:    5/29/01
To:    Watchers_Council@yahoogroups.com

Title: Allowances
Author: Nickle
Disclaimers: Me don't own, but ME and JW do.
Summary: Giles and Buffy convo set in S3. "Revelations"
Notes: Ideas on how to make this better are appreciated:) Heh.
~*~*~*~*~

She looked to him. Unsure and hesitant after he told her to shut up, apologetic for her lies and deception.

But also quite obvious in feeling justified. Obvious in feeling that she knew what she was doing, that she had been right in hiding Angel from him, her friends, and the world at large all because of her intuition, because of what she felt in her heart, because she knew better than anyone else.

Perhaps she did know better, perhaps she did know the situation in regards to Angel and his return from Hell better than he did, perhaps she was right in rebelling against everything he had taught her-had tried to teach her- about the proper conduct of a slayer and was better off in relying on her 'gut' feeling to help guide her.

"Giles?"

Perhaps.

"Giles?"

But the argument of whether it was appropriate for her to use her head or her heart was not the issue of this moment.

What was at issue was her lack of consideration, her lack of respect for those she worked with and who cared about her.

The fact that she lied to him. LIED to him to his face.

Professional pride be damned, this was a slice that ran much deeper to the quick.

She had lied to him. After everything they had been through together, after all the loss they had suffered in the previous year, she had lied to him about HIM.

It took him a moment to even take a breath to reply. A burning wave of anger and hurt overwhelmed him, making his eyes burn, threatening to force from him in a terrible torrent everything that boiled inside him.

He shook his head. "Go to class Buffy."

"But Giles we need to talk about this-"

"We should have talked about this a long time ago," he interrupted coldly. "You chose not to."

She took a step forward, shaking her head in denial. "I didn't lie. I-"

"Did you not keep the knowledge of Angel's return a secret?"

"Yes-"

"Did you not yourself hide and nurse him back to health without disclosing to anyone what you were doing?"

"Yes. But-"

She stopped mid-sentence, expecting him to interrupt her but coming to a loss when he didn't.

"But?" he prompted tightly as he looked down at her. He saw her flinch under his gaze, a slight trembling in her form as she struggled to answer.

"I…when I saw him…I saw that he was hurting. That Angel was hurting, not Angelus. I remembered what you said about what Hell could do to a human soul…and I saw that it had happened to Angel."

She took another step forward, looking up at him with eyes begging for him to understand.

"I did that to him. I sent him to Hell. He was that because of me and when he came back and I found him… I saw that he needed help. I saw that he needed understanding and time and I owed him that. I owed him that after what I did to him."

Looking down at her, hearing her words, a part of him understood. A part of him understood and knew all too well how great a motivator guilt and love could be and how it would drive you to do things you never thought yourself capable of doing.

He could understand her sense of love and loyalty. He just couldn't understand how it did not apply to him.

"What about what you owe me, Buffy?" he finally asked. "Do I not count for any small modicum of respect or consideration?"

She shook her head. "Giles I do respect you. How can you say-"

"How can I say that?" he asked incredulously. "How can I doubt your respect for me when you hide from me, your Watcher, the creature that was involved in the deaths of a number of people last year? The creature that stalked and terrorized you, your mother, and your friends for months on end in a variety of sadistic ways?

"A creature who entered my home and placed in my bed the dead body of a woman- her neck snapped by his hand- who made a similar mistake of keeping secrets and paid the price with our scorn, rejection, and ultimately her life?"

Buffy bit her lip, shaking her head is disagreement. "Giles-"

"A creature who kidnapped me, had me at his mercy, tortured me at his whim-"

"Giles, you're not being fair-"

"-Beat me into unconsciousness only to rouse me by breaking the bones of my hand, taking pleasure in using the memory of a woman I loved to manipulate me into ultimately serving him and his cause to destroy the world?"

The library suddenly went silent as he finished, he looking down at her, seeing her hurt, seeing her pain at his words.

"You say you owe him understanding. You said you owe him help, but you fail to see that there are others that you owe that as well."  

"But Giles, he didn't do that. Angel did not do that-"

"But he carries within him the demon that did. He carries within him the capacity to do it again. You had no idea what he was when he came out of Hell. You had no reason to believe that he wasn't dangerous, that he wasn't a danger to you or the people he knows to be of importance to you and yet you hid him and you assisted him, forgetting about the death and destruction he was a part of."

He stared down at the girl, his slayer, his charge, someone he thought he had reached an understanding with, someone he thought he could trust to do the right thing.

He looked down at her and realized that he had been wrong.

He had been so wrong.

"Look, I know that right now you're disappointed with what I did, but-"

"I passed disappointment a long time ago, Buffy. What I feel about you now is something entirely different."

She blinked at him in silent shock. Her eyes widened at the unexpected statement, quickly brimming with the pained tears of one who was unprepared to react to such an assault, of one who was capable of being hurt by the words of someone, if they were someone she did care about, if they were someone whose opinion did matter.

He saw that he had hurt her.

In his mind's eye he saw that he could hurt her.

Which was why he never said any of those things, why that conversation had only taken place in his mind, in a small moment of time that allowed him his due, but didn't allow for the damage it would cause.

For as much as she hurt him, as much as a part of him wanted her to feel his hurt and pain, hurting her would only add to his own pain.

Hurting her was unthinkable.

He didn't react to her with his heart, but more with his head.

Which is why when he looked to her he simply said:

" I won't remind you that the fate of the world often rests with the slayer. What
would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you have jeopardized the lives
of everyone you know by housing a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me. For hours. For pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform. "

He waited for her to leave. He watched her leave with apology in her eyes, but nowhere near the damage he could've done.

A mere utterance. Pitifully few words compared to what he could've said, but plentiful enough in conveying his hurt and pain to her, restrained enough to not further damage the bond that they shared.

That they still did share, however precariously.

That for better or worse, they would always share.

FIN