"More oomph?"

"Right. So far it sounds like you're in a fucking romance novel. If that's what
the readers wanted they'd be pickin' up Danielle Steele and all those bleeding
read-alike Harlequins. There's no plot here. You're half a page into the thing
and you don't have your clothes off and you're not doing the nasty yet. Get
with the program."

"The program. Right."

"Also, you need to be a bit more bloody realistic. Your breasts aren't half bad
but they ain't the type to go bursting any bodices. And your hair isn't golden,
either; it's kind of a dull red. You're a good-looking git and all that but
you're no Morganna the Kissing Bandit."

"Well, OK . .. "

"And another thing. Lose Willow."

"Um, what?"

Spike took a drag on his cigarette, blew out a puff of smoke, and said, "Are
you fucking deaf? I said the redhead goes. You doin' your girlfriend is
yesterday's news. Been there, done that, the whole nine yards. Pick someone
else to shag."

Willow grabbed a nearby bathrobe, put it on, and came over and whispered in my
ear. "Sorry about that, sweetie." Then she walked off the set, muttering.
"Praise Thespia I don't have to go through one of THOSE again. Hey! Someone get
me a fucking beer!"

Then I thought about who I'd pick to take Willow's place.

"And make it snappy, alright, luv? This is porn, not fucking Leo Tolstoy."
Well, then, if I HAD to pick someone else," I opened my mouth and Spike said,
"And not Buffy, either. Everyone wants to do Buffy."

I shut my mouth again, then said, "Everyone?"

"You ever watch the show, sweetling? EVERYONE wants to do Buffy. Xander, Angel,
me, that Finn bouffe. Hell, even Faith had the hots for her. So pick someone
else." He threw the cigarette down and stomped it out. "And don't stick to
chicks, either. These things aren't supposed to make any bloody sense."

So, who do I pick?

Giles? Too old. Kinda hunky for his age but well over my limit. Xander? Eh, if
I have to pick a guy, maybe. He's dating Anya, he knows all about being
ravaged. Spike? Ick. No way, no how, could I make love with an unsouled
vampire. I don't care how WP the P is, that's just too out there for me or any
human. Riley? Well, he's several thousand miles away, and he's just a little
too yes ma'am for all of this. I think he'd faint at the suggestion. Anya?
Well, she'd be enthusiastic, if nothing else. Glory? Well, she is extremely
sexy, but I think the act would kill me. (And no, it wouldn't be 'what a way to
go.')

I thought about anyone more obscure and dismissed them. Drusilla? Again, the
vampire thing. Jonathan? The guy had tried to manipulate us. Angel? Barely met
the guy. And so on. Wait, I had it . . .

"Make up your mind, sweetling," Spike said. "And hurry it up. There's a
Giles/Ethan slash fic I'm already five minutes late for, and though that's been
done to death right now a story where Oz jacks off to organ music would be more
fun than this."

"Okay," I said. And I told him my idea.

His eyebrows raised. "Not a bad idea at all. You've never seen her, but she's
pretty damned hot. Just don't go into too many details at the beginning. It's
still a WP, you understand. I want to see breasts by the third paragraph, and
writhing bodies by the fifth. Okay, people, bring the set back together,“'the
walls closed in. Then, pointing to me, he said, "You standing in front of the
bureau then." I moved in front as he walked out, "and as he closed the door he
said, "And I bloody well mean this, “ACTION."

I stood in front of Willow's bureau, leather pants, lace bodice, and all, and
finished a chant . . . "and Hecate, now end thy spell!"

Amy Madison burst free from her cage and landed on the floor, completely naked.
Wow, Spike was right, she was gorgeous. Her breasts were nice, her body lean
and taut, and  her reddish hair was long and wavy . . . . "Thank you, thank
you!" She said artificially. "I'm finally free! How can I ever thank you?"

"Um, there's really no need," I said,

But of course Amy ignored me. "Oh, no!" she shouted."Here, here . . . " and
she sank to her knees and pulled down her pants in one motion, her mouth headed
for . . .

Well, you get the idea. A lady never tells 'especially not one that's just had
multiple orgasms and can't stand up any more. Wow.

When we were done, and she was standing over me, I pulled up my pants and sat
up. "Thanks,"  I said, breathing heavily.

"No problem," she said, hauling me to my feet."I'm so happy not to be a damn
rat anymore I probably would have done that, PWP or not."

Then Spike yelled, "Cut!" again, and walked in. "Nice job, both of you. Really
impressive moaning."

"Thanks," I said.

Amy said, "Could someone find me some clothes?"

Spike looked almost embarrassed. "Sorry, luv, you gotta go back to being a rat.
It'd muss continuity all to hell and back otherwise. You understand." He
pointed a wand at her and she turned into a rat. A chittering, angry rat, who
immediately bit Spike's ankles. "Someone cage this beast, would you?" he
yelled, picking her up and tossing her to a startled stagehand. Then he looked
at me. “Not bad for your first PWP, sweetling. Even though you got a little
squeamish when you described it everyone pretty much knew what the witch was
down there doing.”

I nodded my head. “Thanks again.”

“Now go rest up. This is pretty much all you do in the offseason anyway, so you
may as well get your sleep while you can.” Then Spike walked away, yelling out,
“Hey! Where’s that Ethan/Giles thing anyway? Stage 2? Well, phone down and tell
‘em I’ll be there in five, and for god’s sake not to start without me. You know
how randy those bastards can get. What I wouldn’t give for a nice, simple
Xander/Cordelia fic . . .”


"I've told Buffy everything."

"That is in direct opposition to the Council's orders."

"Yes.  Interestingly, I don't give a rat's ass about the Council's orders."

~Giles and Quentin, "Helpless"

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