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LMAO 1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 14. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 15. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 16. A day without sunshine is like, well...night. 17. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 18. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 19. I just got lost in thought. Wow, was that unfamiliar territory! 20. Seen it all, done it all, and can't remember most of it. 21. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't. 22. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 23. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged. 24. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you. 25. Ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? 26. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 27. Despite the cost of living, it remains quite popular. 28. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 29. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 30. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 31. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong. 32. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 33. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 34. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 35. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 36. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. But regretfully, a tax is a fine for doing well. 37. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 38. I wish the buck stopped here, because I darn sure could use a few. 39. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it now. 40. Light travels faster than sound. This is the reason why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak. 41. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 42. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live. 43. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 44. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than he people who have to wait for them. 45. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 46. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 47. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? 48. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 49. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 50. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened. 51. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box. 52. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 53. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 54. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know
you left open. 55. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 56. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 57. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 58. If a man is standing in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman to hear him...is he still wrong? 59. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 60. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 61. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant? 62. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 63. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 64. If a turtle doesen't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 65. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 66. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 67. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? 68. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 69. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 70. If the "black box" flight recorder in never destroyed during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
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