" PLANET JARRETT "

..SCENE ONE..

Date: ' 26th of August '

Time: ' 03:37 P.M. '

Location: ' Presidential Suite, Four Seasons Hotel, New Orleans '

[ . scene . ] The camera is once again rolling, this time we find ourselves in some expensive hotel room.. Bein' the Chosen One and ECE United States Champion, Jeff Jarrett is living the high life. Where infact we are is the Presidential Suite of New Orleans Four Seasons Hotel.

[ . scene . ] Ron and Don each sit on a chair flicking through the channels as Jarrett has a whole row of vests on his king sized bed.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Tha' "Don't Piss Me Off" t-shirt? Tha' "Listen Up Slapnuts"? Or, "I'm The Chosen One".. So many choices.

[ . scene . ] Eventually he decides upon the "Listen Up Slapnuts" and pulls it on. Ron and Don continue to flick the channels as Jarrett opens the cupboard. Inside are several guitars hung up as well as the U.S.Championship. He takes down the prestigeous title as well as a guitar and walks back into the room.

[ . " THE TELEVISION " Well Duh . ] Ooooh Baby. HARDER! HARDER!

[ . scene . ] Jarrett, who has yet to see the TV shakes his head.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Turn tha' crap off.. I've gotta pay fa' it.. 'n' wha' else 'am I gonna do on a night if I'm payin' fa' stuff I ain't watchin' now?

[ . " HEAVY DEE " Don Harris . ] Woah, wait up Boss. It ain't tha'.. it's tha' massages this place offers. Tha' women seems to be lovin' it.

[ . scene . ] Jarrett shakes his head again and begins swinging his guitar around in front of him. He finally stops and knocks on his title.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Ya know, I jus' dunno why we had ta' book these tickets so fast. I mean, wha' fun is it jus' sittin' 'round in some hotel room.. 'n' I REFUSE ta' fratonise with tha' locals of New Orleans. Urgh. Tha' sooner we get ta' RAW 'n' tha' sooner I kick Lesnar's ass, tha' SOONER we're gettin' tha' hell outta here.

[ . scene . ] Jarrett, guitar over his shoulder, grabs a small card resting on a table beside the king size bed. He looks at the time.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Ya know.. we gotta be at tha' arena in 3 hours.. so, ya know wha'?.. anyone up fa' a road trip?

[ . scene . ] Ron and Don turn off the TV and stand to attention.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Excellent.. jus' as I thought.

On August the 26th, the tragic departure of Brock Slapnut Lesnar, will be publically broadcast. After losing to "The Chosen One" Jeff Jarrett in a tag match, he will be disgraced and unable to further compete. Soon thereafter, he will announce his retirement from eCe after his humilating defeat.

The following presentation remembers the life and times of Brock Lesnar as we wish him his best whilst in his hospital bed, eating through an IV drip, recovering from a beating the likes of which he had never experienced before.

Best wishes;

The Greatest United States Champion of ALLLLLL time..

Jeff Jarrett

Paid for by the tax payer.. suckers

..SCENE TWO..

Date: ' 26th of September '

Time: ' 04:31 P.M. '

Location: ' UNO Arena- New Orleans LA '

[ . scene . ] We find ourselves in the backstage area of the uno arena, the home of Raw. After our "sincere" message from the Chosen One, we find ourselves with Double J in the backstage area. With him is some weaselly guy with a jumper knotted around his shoulders, a thin moustache and a stupid little hair cut. Of course, Ron and Don occupy a large amount of space near the United States Champion..

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] Places everyone.. yes, I think those pictures look okay.. Places people, places! We'll get this done once over, and I'm done... Telling people where to stand is a hard job.

[ . scene . ] Ricardo points to Ron.

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] Switch places with Tweedle Dumb, you'll look just fabulous on the other side.

[ . scene . ] They change places and the man claps.

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] ACTION!

[ . scene . ] Now we fade into Jeff Jarrett all geared up for tonights match. He's in his wrestling attire and has his title around his waist. Ron and Don stand at either side, each holding a guitar. The area in which we find ourselves is completely white and down the walls are various pictures of men holding titles.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] It's time agayne.. time ta' get those ears receptive, get a lil' anxious 'n.. LISTEN UP SLAPNUTS!

[ . scene . ] The Chosen One points to his shirt that displays the same message.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Perhaps ya wonder in wha' obscure, hope deprived place we find ourselves?.. Well [ he shudders ] we're in New Orleans.. awful, I know. But ta' narrow down our location, we're shielded from tha' hideous creatures.. we're backstage. Ah-ha, ya heard me correctly. 'n' befittin' fa' a champion, we're in tha' hall of champions. Pictures on this wall of all tha' current ECE champions of the past.. Eddie Guerrero.. Equally as kay-rap: Christopher Daniels, yer X Division Champ . Ya tag champs, MNM.. Intercontinental Loser, John Cena along with our esteemed champion, Randy Orton.. 'n' most importantly, tha' money maker, tha' superstar tha' reels 'em in.. Double J... Yer U.S. Champion.

[ . scene . ] Egomanically, Jarrett points to his picture and camera slowly zooms in to show the picture of Jeff Jarrett winning the title at Dead End in his encounter with Brock Lesnar.

[ . scene . ] It slowly zooms out and pans toward Double J and his Heavies again.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] 'n' then ya think tha' kinda guys ta' hold these titles. Tha' likes of Triple H.. Kurt Angle.. Chris Jericho. Many greats. 'n' then I think back ta' Dead End and two weeks before 'n' two matches. Brock lesnar verse Jeff Jarrett. 'n' wha' common factor d' these matches 'av?.. Failure. A lil' word tha' should describe mah opponent tonight ta' a tee. Lesnar dropped tha' ball 'gainst Tha Chosen One. 'n' yet, even afta' I SUCCESSFULLY won mah title a-gainst em, tha jackass finds 'em-self in a match with Jay Jay.. Wha' makes 'em qualify fa' a title shot on tha' heels-a' losin' at Dead End?

[ . scene . ] Jarrett takes the guitar from Ron and turns it to show the back, on which is painted "Next Big Slapass", referring to Brock Lesnar.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Ain't tha' first time we've crossed paths, Slappy.. Ya remember tha' sweet sound-a' one, two, three after bein' hit with [ he gives a little laugh ] ALLLLLLLL.. THA'.. STROKE.. 'n' then ya did tha' unthinkable by smashing a gee-tar over MAH head. Well, boy, I've got a lil' somethin' fa' ya ta-night.

[ . scene . ] He raises the guitar for a better view.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Heck, as long I get this over yer head, 'am satisfied. Jus' go 'n' ask Triple H how long it took ta' remove all of those splinters of wood after a swing Babe Ruth would be proud of.. 'n' Brock, I am well aware this ain't tha' first big match ya found yer-self part-a' aside from deadend.. fact, last time ya were in one, it was YOU who was pinned. How 'am I guarenteed tha' history won't repeat itself 'n' I won't be delt a bit-a' déjà vu?

[ . scene . ] Off camera, Ricardo is yelling something and Jarrett doesn't look very pleased. The producer comes into focus, Jarrett places his left on his hip.

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] Déjà vu? Do you think Brock Lesnar will understand that? Dumb it down.. maybe, history repeating itself or something?.. You know best.

[ . scene . ] He walks off, shaking his head.

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] Improvisation: it'll be the death of me.

[ . scene . ] Jarrett sorts himself out, puts his free hand on his title and continues.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] As I was sayin', jus' a second ago, I hope ta' God fa' tha' sake of Brock Lesnar he dun' drop tha' ball like he did at Dead End.. 'cuz if he does, he's gonna get a lil' more from me than a lil' gee-tar shot. I ain't tha' kinda guy ya wanna piss off 'cuz when ya do.. things happen 'n' I can guaran-damn-tee ya won't like 'em. Remember mah lil' bit of advice..

[ . scene . ] The Chosen One grins in a self-assured way before passing back the silver guitar to Ron and takes the second from Don. On the reverse of this one is "Triple Slapnuts".

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Ya didn't think ya was jus gon' get ONE gee-tar shot did ya? Ya see, tha' guy is a failure.. yeah, I ain't gonna crap on yer cake 'n' tell yer it's icin'.. he loses ta' me 'n' is instantly handed another title shot. He din' earn it. He din' have ta' work until his body was battered 'n' bruised. I had ta' beat TWO Legends ta' get this title. Ya HONESTLY think ya can beat Double J? I worked mah ass off ta' get here.. But - 'n' here's tha' big difference - I didn't spend mah young career workin' fa' five bucks. I started at tha' top 'n' fa' sixteen years, I've stayed there. Yer a small fish is tha' sea 'n' this is one sharp y'ain't gettin' passed. Brock Slapnuts has been dubed tha' epitome of tha' next generation.. Next Big Thing might be good but he ain't Double J.. he ain't tha' CHOSEN ONE 'n' he certainly AIN'T tha' next ECE United States Champion. 'cuz boy, ya ain't even worth those five bucks ya were paid back when ya were startin' out.. Does tha' name Brock Lesnar appear in tha' lights? Is it him tha' is said ta' be at RAW?.. tha' man tha' matters, Double J, Jeff Jarrett is tha' one people came ta' see, tha' one that made 'em pay their hundred dollars, not 'im.

[ . scene . ] Jarrett hands back the guitar and now removes his title from his waist and places it over his shoulder. The Chosen One knocks on it with his knuckle.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Slapnuts, yer gonna be taken down tha' ladder ya'va climbed so prematurely. Ya ain't capable of tha' task-a' bein' King of the Mountain like yers truly. 'n' no matter how many times I say it, yer still gonna be convinced ya stand a chance. Guitar - no guitar - one arm behind mah back - blindfolded.. each 'n' EVERY time 'am better than ya. An', actually, these two Slapasses [ he points toward Ron and Don ] could kick yer ass 'n' they struggle ta' find a decent coffee.. BOY, it's 'bout time ya clear tha' mist in yer mind 'n' ya fathom somethin': ya CAN'T beat me.. ya WON'T beat me.. 'n' most importantly, YA WON'T BEAT ME.. It's jus' tha' simple. n' Y'know wha' ya can do? Ya can CHOKE ON THA'..

[ . scene . ] Jarrett gets a cheeky grin on his face.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] High-spot.

[ . scene . ] Both Ron and Don look confused and Jarrett shakes his head.

[ . " THE CHOSEN ONE " Jeff Jarrett . ] Urghh! Even Ted Dibiase can do it!

[ . scene . ] He smacks Ron, and then Don, around the head and walks off, leaving both Harris Brothers looking confused and lone in the hall.

[ . " BIG ARE " Ron Harris . ] Erm.. so wha' does he want us to do?

[ . scene . ] Don shrugs.

[ . " HEAVY DEE " Don Harris . ] Dun' worry, he'll come runnin' back as soon as he realises he din' taken a guitar with him, tha' jackass.

[ . " BIG ARE " Ron Harris . ] Urgghh, I hope he loses tha' damn title. We'll never hear the end of it if he wins.. Imagine weeks of tha'! "Lookie who I gone beat now".

[ . scene . ] The two shake their heads and look slightly worried before eventually leaving us as we fade out.. and so we have it: RAW. The Chosen One and The Perfect One verse The Next Big Thing and The Game. Who'll be choking and on what?

[ . " DOCUMENTARY PRODUCER " Ricardo . ] And that's a wrap.

[ . scene . ] Tune in to find out, Live on RAW.

.[ ' Static ' ]. .[ ' Don't PISS Me Off ' ]. .[ ' Fade To ECE Logo ' ].