-----my story-----
(letter i send)       
             


[recovered] stop whining!!!!!  
Wed, 21 Nov 2001 18:09:42  

this is a slogan i have to remember,just stop whining!!!!
i am Hjörtur and i am an alkaholic and recovered addict.
i was born in reykjavik in iceland,into very sick home,probably not the
sickest but with many sick attitudes and sick ideas.
my mom told me that it was something different about me right from the
beginning.i was a very calm baby but at 3 years old i was beginning to be
very restless.
i was having trouble in kindergarden(throwing rocks at children and stuff)
and always trying to start an arguement at home.
in children school i was nothing but trouble and i was having these
"attacks" where i would burst in anger and throw chairs and be violent.
at home i was always getting worse,grabbing knifes and stuff.
i was feeling miseareble from the start and i was alone most the time
because nobody wanted to hang out with the "freak".very lonly ,very
frightened and my father was a seaman and mom could not handle me anymore.i
didnt know what was wrong buti felt very DIFFERENT!!!.
well they stuffed me at children insaty ward in iceland,diognozed me
hyperactiv with this bad memory and put me on medication,wich would increase
by years.
at 13 i discovered alcahol.
i found the salution of my feelings,it is like i was doomed to drink.
my fear of people and my family dissapeared,i found my self being worth
something,i could talk to people and be popular,i felt NORMAL!!!.
it was great,i didnt listen to the people who was concerned,since everything
i ever got in life would be taken from me then nobody was gonna take that
away,THEY could just try.
society could not tolerate me any more since they seemed like i was getting
dangerous.(DAH)
i found dope were shortly after that and found it interresting and very COOL
lifestyle.so i got all the info i could find and was sent to rehab from my
parents were i could find out how to be real hardcore guy.
i was the exspert.just for fun i could inform you that my oldest
brother,alkie too,was doing drugs at that time and my mom took some hasch of
him and hided it under her bed so se could have a grip on him,that dope i
found and "surprise!! i tried hasch for the first time.
i was starting to beat people up and being criminal since i was not afraid
any more and finally "I" could get my revenge of the world who had always
tread me wrong.i stole all my mothers jewelry because i thought see didnt
need them anyway.but i did.i was getting pshycotic,but i did not see it,i
was very fotunate that my older brother also an alkaholic was selling drugs
and using in that time so i eather bullied him to to give me dope or he
would sell me or i would steal from him,there were always people talking
about me behind my back and there world was having this conspiracy against
me.wowh i was getting sicker and sicker.
i was having these anxiety attacks and some kind of weird emotional/body
cramps.i remember times where my head would spin and i had million toughts
at once,hating everyone and everything,feeling so sorry for my self,iwas
like animal in cage.
i was totally stressed all the time and could not communicate with people in
any useful way.FEAR FEAR FEAR.and i always ran from every problem of my life
or me mom would cover them up for me. i was total looser!!i coldnt work or
study,i just doped and drugged.my friends wich god was that gracius to give
me were leaving slowly.exsept for this one guy who always stood by me.hes an
alkie and in recovery now,thank god.
i was known as the nut.and i was.i was doping alone must of the time and i
lost my tongue almost completely.i tried to get my self out of this hell i
was in.
now the process of god begind.
i didnt get sober yet but i tried many things and none of them worked.
schools,mental hospitals,treatment centers.i got these 5 months were my
character defects ruled everything,MAN was i a bigshot.
i got drunk and drugged,and the day after i had no courage to fight this
monster wich was awake in me.
in three days i lost everything i had built up.i lost my
work,money,familylife,was thrown out of home,got in serius deptmy sanity
slowly slipping away(the little i had received)
all this time i had not weeped one single tear and hell no i was going too
now.not me the tough guy. the social guy.nonono i was not in denial.
i felt ok i said.i mean i had  alot of dope.and i had. this condition was
not getting any better,actually it got more worse than ever.
i was 18 at this time and again in and out in my home the mental
hospital,weighing only 50 kgs.speed,coke and ecstasy was my stuff now.
at least i tought:i am not using this terrible hasch anymore.
besides i am not shooting it,so i am not that terribe.
but the lie in my head was giving in to the truth.i could realize that i was
probably soon gonna die,but i was glad,then i would not suffer any more,no
more fear and pain.no more not be able too look people in the eyes.no more
paranoia.i always thought about killing my self,but i did not have the
guts.so i thought i just drugged my self to death.
you see people...everything sucked!!!

on 19 november 1999:because of my loving mother my counsuler from my last
rehab called me on a friday and offerd me to come to another rehab.i had
almost no money left exsept the ones i was gonna buy my speed for.(did i
mention was never honest)  so told my counseler   i was high (wich i
wasnt)so i could get to the PARTY!!(oh,god knows my party was way over)but
i told him i could come the day after this when i had sobered up.(the rules
were i had to be sober for 24 hours before entering,the last time in this
treatment i tried to respect that but later on the floor looking for hasch
wich was spilled)so i got very fucked up this night using everything i could
find,telling everybody in much drama that i was gonna stop using
now,actually i was just going in because i had finished my money and dope,i
was hungry ,tired,with no roof over my shoulder and i tought i could be nice
for people saying poor Hjörtur.damn i was crazy.
that night i ended up i another town i speed rush knowing nothing what was
going on,(after the rehab i found a sword from this night???)
well,i did not stay sober for 24 hours before entering,actually was still a
little high when i got in,but more withdrawing than high.
i came to this beutiful countryside with my mom wich i had talked over
constantly for 1 hour or all the way there about bullshit and i tought i was
pretty cool,looking fine ,so thin(slim?) and almost black eyes and with this
kinda touret syndrom thing in my face. this treatment had just moved so
there were only 3 guys there already who are all drunk because they couldnt
or wouldnt take the 12 steps.i was playing cool and i think i had them
fooled,no no i was not scared,
my counsuler told me i should not go home again since everything was broken
there(spiritually and also the stuff inside the apartment)
i was really fucked cause i just hit my loving mom if she would not give to
my demands.(because of her co-dependency she couldnt respond in healthy
manner and throw me from home or she would let me in again,dad had no power
over that) i wa there alone..in the living room.
suddenly the tought crossed my mind that i was getting just as much looney
as one of the one i had seen wich was shooting.SHIT!!! it was true what
people said. i was fucked.and there was no way back,i was junkie,and the
lowest sort, i saw it all so clearly.and i couldnt hold it back...
there came this most pethetic sound out of my mouth.no no no.i was not gonna
cry.i was a machio guy.but i wasnt,i was scared ,alone and evrything was
shattered.finally i just LET GO and i cried..
i hadnt cried for so long since it showed weekness,but i was week.
i think i cried for about 2 hours,very old tears,and i cried like a baby.my
counseler came and showed most wonderful support.i was going to recover.i
was in this treatment  for a month,and had minimum result. definatily not
enough for me to stay seriosly sober.
i had gone through the physical withdrawal and pshycotic mood swings.
and here i was, in a half way house,saying goodbye to my counseler and going
to life.i still didnt know much else but the underground life but i didnt
want to go there back,back to hell.id rather die. i was still very broken
and afraid,blind and with a lot of dillusions.
so i did the only thing i should of done,i went to a AA meeting.
there i was lucky.before in my AA i could hide inside without doing
anthing,and nobody would talk to me.but AA in iceland had changed since i
was there last.sudemly all this people were talking about something called
"steps" they even had the nerve to laugh in meetings,telling jokes,smiling
and the scariest part of it all TALKING TO ME!!!
i didnt hide for long and i started doing these stuff they were talking
about.me a total atheist suddenly came to believe in a higher power and hes
name is JESUS and even found good church in the way.there was this guy who
kinda of became my father in AA,hes a sponsor from hell,cause he showed me
no mercy in a way,of caurse he was an alkie too,and pshycopath but he did
stuff that not many people had the guts to do.
HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH,AND HE GAVE HES TIME IN HELPING ME.
normal people would try to avoid me but he did not ,he even cared more for
my life than my feelings and i often hurt.he respected me more than my
alkaholism.i am totally thankful.
soon i became recoverying,doing the steps,praying,doing amends EVEN HELPING
OTHERS,i thought i could never be at any use,but now i could.
i have helped a lot since.taken part in life.i am now i school in
denmark,and doing very vell,2 years and everything has changed.
i meditade alot cause i am very stressed.i am still not well,but damn this
is a miracel.it takes time.but i do the program no matter how i feel(in the
big book)
i have alot of friends today who cares and this all is not because of
me,just because of the mercy and grace of GOD.my head is gettin better by
every day.i do alot of AA work and i love AA and the people in it.how can i
not.i am gonna finish school and i am doing alot of muzic these days.i am a
proof of GODs exsistence.i could never do this by my self.
i have written a lot here and at last i am gonna say thank you for reading
this ,i am passing on what was so graciusly given to me.
and  at last here is the serenity prayer on ielandic.thank you.

    GUD GEFI MÉR ÆDRULEYSI TIL AD SÆTTA MIG VID THAD SEM ÉG
         FÆ EKKI BREYTT,KJARK
    TIL AD BREYTA THVÍ SEM ÉG GET BREYTT.
    OG VIT TIL AD GREYNA THAR Á MILLI.

Hjörtur s.