Meet the Dysfunctional Parents
(Or The One Where Noel's Wife Unloads Him Once and For All)

Ep. 403: Your Money or Your Wife

The poetry of the pictures

A Special All-Haiku Recap
By All the Goddesses of the Universe


the recap is done
surely we have more to say
we're good like that, see

we're so damn funny
j.j. cannot deny us
he's only human.

here's the full story
so read it and weep or laugh
or both. ready? go.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Carmexa
At the beginning...
Sean wants to buy a big ring
But can't afford it.

As though we could care
Meg wants her 'rents to meet Sean's
He's not too thrilled

Their parents are ummmm...
Different. But he agrees.
Let's move on. Boring.

Bigger fish to fry!
Ben misses Felicity.
He wants her back. Now.

Ben sighs and says that
It's crazy to be apart
Guess what? He's perfect.

She practically squeals
As she jumps into Ben's arms
I cannot blame her.

Fel tells Javier
About the Noel debacle
Oh, God. The horror.

'Twas a huge mistake
Says Felicity, and sighs.
Just kill yourself now.

J says his lips are
Two giant friggin' glue sticks
A lovely image.

Ben needs help. O Chem.
Jesus, that class is so hard.
Felicity smiles.

She's glad he's pre-med
She has confidence in him
Says he can do it:

"Elena can help,
if you need it, my sweet Ben.
She is pre-med, duh."

In the meantime, Fel
wants to see "Say Anything"
with him sometime soon.

"Shall we go?" she asks.
But of course. I love John Cusack.
First, Ben must study.

He grins and acts like
the god among men he is.
Ben loves her. Poor guy.

Sean hasn't paid bills.
Let's pretend for a moment
That we give a damn.

Chick from "Moonlighting"
Is there to collect money
He can't pay up. Shit.

Blah, blah, blah...onward.
Meg wants Sean's parents to dine
With her folks. Bad plan.

Her hubby is pissed.
Noooo! Sean screams in anguish and sobs.
Dad embarrasses!

But Sean's just like him
Lots of wacky inventions.
Cry me a river.

Heroine is broke.
Can we call Felicity
that? Never mind.

Unfortunately
the government has no dough
Not for her, at least.

How to pay for school?
Glue Sticks suggests a pageant.
Miss Slut USA.

Oh wait. Wrong title.
Felicity says no way
She's not a princess.

Javier wants to
play Don Quixote. Uh huh.
Not bloody likely.

He will audition
Despite obvious lack of
Windmills and sidekick.

Dyslexia
Ben meets lab partner
Trevor, who's cute but no 'Ben'
He doesn't seem bright.

Noel meets a lawyer
Who gives him Natalie funds
an 'inheritance.'

Married for a year
Noel is given 15K
As easy as that.

Noel thinks of cousin
Jerry, who gets easy cash
The family joke.

Noel can't be a joke
He tells lawyer, and rambles
Dear Crane: it's too late.

He takes the money
He'll get a pad, bring chicks there
Sure. Good luck with that.

Sean's folks to arrive.
He's nervous, and embarrassed
Meghan wears short skirt.

Meghan picks a code
If I want you to cram it
I'll say "Rice Krispies."

Sean's mom and dad show
They love Meghan, say she's cute
But Sean and Dad fight

Tyler tells Porter
She doubts Ben's skill in pre-med
She's kind of a bitch.

Ben overhears her
And his esteem drops some more
But Fel defends him

Ben is smart enough
Felicity says with pride
Not bad for a whore.

Ben tells Elena
He figured out his question
Should have said 'screw off.'

The art scholarship
Is dead, Fel says to Glue Sticks
Can she sell plasma?

This beauty pageant
Is still possible, J says
Fel is not amused.

Sean is late with bills
Then Noel says he's moving out
Hey Noel: Rice Krispies.

For Ben's first chem lab
They need to make some black stuff
It's not happening

Lab partner Trevor
Wants to party all the time
He leaves, but Ben stays

Bitchavia
Sean goes to see dad
"Come to brunch at Meghan's folks,
Embarass me more."

Decked out as a knight
Javier sings a few bars
"Next!" director says

Rent is still unpaid
Sean says good-bye to his things
Repo men work fast

Noel offers Nat's cash
For Felicity's school fees
"Owe me forever!"

Felicity balks
Why be beholden to Noel?
It's so not worth it.

Ben works black magic
The beaker is full of goop
But you failed, says prof

Suckable pen caps
A new idea from Sean's brain
"Noel, give me money!

Banks won't give out loans
To curly-haired girls with dads
Who are rich doctors

Javier suggests
Beauty queens can earn big bucks
Suck it up and preen.


Litigia
Elena is sad
As she reads Tracy's letter
Did she screw this up?

She tells Ben he's gone
On a mission to forget
"Ben, am I stupid?"

Ben tells her she's smart
Why marry when it's not right?
Damn, he is perfect.

Elena says thanks.
"Not bad for a six-weeker,"
Says our sweet, dear boy.

Elena feels bad.
Ben tells her not to worry.
Because he is perfect.

[Bitchavia speaking out of term because she is dense]

Sean's dad meets Meghan's
Crap investment offers follow
Pa Rotundi squirms

Sean's turn to squirm now
Screwless chairs embarrass him
Stop talking shit at brunch! [/Bitchavia]

Sean tells Crane about
All of his money problems
What am I to do?

Noel says he can help.
"I've got money I don't want."
He gives Sean a loan.

I know it's tempting
To praise Noel for doing this,
But really, it sucks.

He did not earn it.
Now he says he wants it not.
Why make it a loan?

Elena helps Ben
And Trevor with their lab stuff.
It works, black crystals!

Trevor does not know
Why one would marry so young.
"I loved him, you fool."

Trevor says no worries.
He thinks Elena is hot.
"Let's all go party."

Ben tells them he can't.
He must find Felicity.
Again, he's perfect.

Elena will go.
Hmmm, perhaps a new romance?
Watch your step, Trevor.

Sean and Dad make up.
Whoa, Sean's dad still has Lact-Os!
The worst food ever.

I like the reference
Back to the first season, but
That food must be stale!

Felicity calls dad
Tries to beg for some money
She changes her mind.

Javier is thrilled.
He got a part in the play.
Yay for Javier!

Ben is all giddy
To see his Felicity
"Let's go see that flick."

The two of them kiss.
You can tell they're so in love.
The ep should end here.

Instead they give us
A weird musical montage.
What is the point here?

Sean and Crane move stuff.
Elena puts the sweatshirt
Of Tracy's away.

I think it's dumb, but
Our girl enters the pageant.
Ben's chem. prof. is pleased.

Javier sings, hee!
End of musical montage.
I think they're stupid.

Meghan comes home pissed.
She tells Noel about her folks.
Her dad's disowned her.

So add Meghan's dad
To every dad on this show
They are all evil.

Wonder if J.J.
Has big issues with his dad?
Call us and tell us!

Sean gives wife a ring.
It's cubic zirconia.
Awwww, Sean is so sweet.

 

Extra: The tale of how the all-haiku recap got done
All the harassing and guilt trips included!

Bitchavia: We should save all these e-mails. We can chronicle the tale of goddesses harassing each other to write haiku. I know I should have expressed all that in haiku, but it's early and I haven't had coffee yet.

Carmexa:
that is so, so true
people will be inspired
our brilliant literations.

here is an idea:
"trials and tribulations
we had to go through

just to get you your
goddamned recap. you better
appreciate it."

and then, include our
various conversations.
they will eat it up.


Dyslexia dutifully compiled scenes and handed out our assignments. She then quickly and brilliantly finished her part first:

Carmexa:
you pretty much rock
but you knew that, didn't you?
will do mine later

Bitchavia:
dys, haiku genius
wish i were as fast as you
i am so behind

Litigia:
i worship you, dys
did you do that on work time?
saturday, i swear

Dyslexia:
i did it at work
but i'm a multi-tasker
and i earn my keep

carm, you crack me up
It's all coming together
JJ will call soon.

A day later, Carmexa and Bitchavia finish their haiku portions too. Time to harass!

Carmexa: okay...soooo. um, three out of four. cough. are we gonna interject? in haiku? i found myself counting syllables on my fingers after i wrote the recap. oy vey. love, carmexa

Litigia:
guilt trips will not work
i'll write it when i'm ready
give me some space, bitch.

Dyslexia:
lit, no pressure, babe
you'll write with ease and genuis
his'try will be made.

Carmexa:
how does it feel
to be on the other side
of bitchy demands?

by the time we finish
our witty interjections
your part should be done.

i'd give you space if
i knew you had better things
to do with your time.

Days later, Litigia finally comes through:

Litigia:
Here! No more bitching!
I've finished my little part.
Now leave me alone.

Carmexa:
Finally! Nice job.
I'll never leave you alone--
Still so much to do!

Bitchavia
See, was that so bad?
It's not that time consuming
Great set of haiku!

Litigia:
No, it was not hard.
I just needed my own space.
I hate to be pushed.

But then, I figured
That writing it was better
Than taking C's gripes.

Carmexa:
how do YOU like it?
have a taste of your own damned
medicine, 'tiggy



 


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