Miss Contrivance
Episode 404: Miss Conception

Wanna see the suckage of this episode in photos?

By Litigia

Okay, so this episode pretty much sucked. But that doesn't mean the recap will. To be honest, the entertainment value of the recap might be inversely proportional to the entertainment value of the actual episode, because the worse the episode is, the more putdowns I can throw into the recap. Does that make any sense? No? Well, my point is just that you shouldn't not read the recap just because you hated the episode. Hell, I hated the episode, too, but I took the time to actually write the recap, so you have no excuse! And with that, here we go.

The episode begins with Felicity in the bathroom, examining a Clear Blue pregnancy test box. I'm wondering if the bucks they got from that product placement explains this whole pregnancy scare storyline, because I can't think of any good reason for it. Anyway, Felicity is wearing a really ugly swimsuit ["I liked it. But it wasn't really pageant-appropriate." --Carmexa] and we hear Javier yell from another room for her to hurry up because he has to do her make-up. Felicity puts the pregnancy test away and walks into her bedroom to model for Javier. Javier has a less than enthusiastic reaction to the ugly swimsuit and tells her she needs something more stringy, because this is a beauty pageant, not the Olympic trials. Hee! Scott Speedman really was in the swimming Olympic trials. And what I wouldn't give for a picture of him in the swimsuit he wore for that! ["Mmmm, I hope that one was stringy, too. Ahhh, Speedy Speedo." --Carmexa] I'm serious. If you have a picture of him in that swimsuit (or any swimsuit for that matter), please send it my way. Okay, back to the show. Felicity says that she doesn't want to wear a stringy swimsuit as Elena walks in, wondering what is going on. ["Interesting that she had no problem wearing a cute bikini all summer with Noel around. God forbid she'd wear one in the pageant. But whatever." - Dyslexia] [And she was wearing her cute bikini collection on the rooftop of a building that looks like it's so close to the windows and rooftops of the neighboring buildings that plenty of people could have seen her then. But now she's developed all this modesty? What. Ev.Er. - Bitchavia].Over Felicity's objections, Javier tells Elena that Felicity is a contestant in the Sunrise Surprise Beauty Pageant. Felicity is completely embarrassed (though not as embarrassed as the writers of this episode should be) and begs an incredulous Elena not to tell anyone about it. She goes on to explain that she's desperate for scholarship money and hopes to win the academic portion of the competition. She asks Elena if her swimsuit is okay and Elena suggests something more stringy.

Roll credits.["I always sing along. 'Can you become, can you become..' except for that "shoe leather" part, which really makes no sense to me."-- Bitchavia

Felicity is at an orientation meeting for the pageant. Some former beauty queen is telling them about everything they have to do. Felicity does not look like she wants to be there at all. Former beauty queen lady says that there will be a photo shoot that afternoon and hair and make-up will be provided. The next shot we get is of Felicity after she's had her hair and make-up done. Her hair is really, really poofy. No, I mean really, really, really poofy. I'm from Texas and I've seen big hair. And this hair is seriously the biggest hair I've ever seen. The guy has also caked on the make-up and Felicity looks nothing like herself at all. Felicity is all "Oh my God." The contestant next to her makes pleasant small talk and introduces herself as Sarah. Okay, this is funny, because Sarah is being played by the R&B singer Monica. Now, when they originally wrote this script, the name of the character was supposed to be Brandy. But everyone knows that Monica and Brandy, another R&B singer (aka Moesha on the UPN), are like big-ass rivals. So, I'm guessing that Monica refused to appear if her character's name wasn't changed from Brandy to something else. I don't know why that's funny to me, but it is. Do with that information what you will. ["Lit, you are the queen of behind-the-scenes Felicity trivia. I worship you." -Dys] ["If you're going to worship Litigia-which I don't recommend-at least find a better reason than this. The Monica/Brandy thing is pretty common knowledge. Just because you're a dumbass, Dyslexia…" --Carmexa] ["I think what she was referring to was that the character was originally named Brandy, not Sarah. Stop being such a bitch." -Litigia] ["Ladies, stop bickering! It's un-goddess-like." -- Bitchavia]So, Felicity asks Sarah if she's been in a beauty pageant before and Sarah tells her she's been in eight pageants, because she's a singer and it's good exposure for her. ["Like the only beauty pageant contestant I've ever heard of that got good musical "exposure" from a beauty pageant was Vanessa Williams. And I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of exposure Monica, or whatever the hell her name is, has in mind. Hee." --Carmexa] Suddenly, total bitch contestant walks up to Felicity and complains that she's using her hairbrush. ["The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure there are actually pageant bitches just like her. Eek." -Dys] ["I don't like it when other people use my hairbrush either. I'm anal like that." - Bitchavia] Felicity tries to apologize, but bitch contestant says that now, she's gonna have to spend hours cleaning Felicity's hair out of her brush. ["Exactly! That's why I don't like it either, and I don't even know anyone with the big frizzy mane that Felicity has. She'd leave a thing of hair the size of a bowling ball in your bristles." - Bitchavia] As bitch contestant approaches, we see on the credits that the episode was written by Laurie McCarthy and Josh Reims. Wow, I am so disappointed in Josh Reims. He has written some of my all-time favorite episodes and I have no idea how he could have been involved in this piece of crap. So, I'm gonna blame it all on this Laurie McCarthy person, because I've never heard of her. If someone from the show would like to contact me and set the record straight, feel free. . ["She's an executive producer. It doesn't excuse the absolute shittiness of the episode, but it explains who she is. Maybe she's a former beauty queen and wanted to relive the glory days. Or something." --Carmexa]["I thought all the show's writers are titled executive producer or producer? But even if Ms.McCarthy were the network president, someone should take away her keyboard and stomp on it. I'm blaming her for this script, and assuming that Josh Reims stepped in to try to save it, but failed anyway." - Bitchavia]


Javier starts to ask Felicity if she's seen Felicity. Get it? Her hair and make-up are so bad, Javier doesn't even recognize her. Sarah excuses herself and Javier tells Felicity she shouldn't be getting too close to the other contestants. Felicity says Sarah was nice, but Javier tells her she "is so gullible, [she] is like a seabird." Ha! Gullible! Sea bird! That's funny. I'm betting Ian ad-libbed that line himself. Javier tells Felicity he scoped out the entire area and that Felicity is the most gorgeous person there "by like a million miles" except for a set decorator who looks like Adonis. What? Is Ben there working as a set decorator? Hmmm, must be someone else. ["But then the Adonis label doesn't really apply. Hmmm. How confusing." --Carmexa] Javier tells Felicity he's confident she will win, but they have to do something about that hair. He tells her that if Elvis were alive, she'd be living in Graceland. That's who she looks like with that big hair! Priscilla!

Noel is meeting with the school guidance counselor about trying to find a job. I think it's Mailroom Advisor Guy from the season premiere. Anyway, he says that he usually doesn't help graduates, only students, and asks why Noel doesn't have a job. Noel blathers on about the downturn in the dot com industry. He doesn't mention that he spent the whole summer drooling over a girl who doesn't love him instead of looking for a job, but I guess I wouldn't mention that either if I were in his position. God forbid! Mailroom Advisor Guy then tells Noel that he's leaving his job and Noel can have it if he wants. Uh huh. Sure. Because we all know that the University would just hand the job to a guy with no education, training, or experience in the field of guidance counseling. ["Not to mention a guy who seriously needs counseling himself. Preferably the kind where he'd have to go away for a long, long time."-Dys] This has got to be one of the most inane plot contrivances I have ever seen. I expect this kind of thing on Dawson's Creek, but not on my dear Felicity. Mailroom Advisor Guy goes on to explain how great a job it is, because you get to see every job listing before the students do. ["Yeah. We saw how well those job listings worked out for M.A.G., who's still at the same shitty guidance counselor position after years and years. Can I also just say that the position of 'guidance counselor' really doesn't exist at college? You have your advisors, and your psychiatrist people, and your deans, and whatnot…but no one who does ALL of those jobs at the same time. Especially no one as unqualified as Noel. Jesus, this episode sucks." --Carmexa] Noel wonders if that isn't a conflict of interest. Knowing Noel like I do, I'm willing to bet my cats that Noel will be hoarding those job offers from his students in no time. And I really love my cats, so that's no small bet.

Meghan has lunch with her dad in Epstein Bar and her dad informs her that if she stays married to Sean, she is completely cut off from the family, personally and financially. I seriously think J.J. Abrams or Matt Reeves or both must have had like the worst father of all time, because every father on this show is evil. Ben's dad? An alcoholic who feels up his son's girlfriend. Sean's dad? A loser who hits up his son's new father-in-law for money. Elena's dad? An uncommunicative, emotionally distant guy Elena hasn't mentioned since the first season. Felicity's dad? A control-freak who refuses to accept that his daughter wants to live her own life. Noel's dad? Well, we don't know anything about him, but I'm guessing he's horrible, too. I mean, he produced Noel, right? How good could he be? Anyway, Mr. Rotundi tells Meghan that Sean will never be able to support Meghan in the manner to which she has been accustomed. God forbid that Meghan should get a job and support herself. Anyway, he thinks she should be dating a lawyer named John Eisendrath instead. Ha! John Eisendrath was a writer and executive producer on the show. That's a nice little inside joke, but maybe the writers should have concentrated more on jokes that everyone would think were funny. I'm just saying. ["Yeah, no shit. I was laughing like a hyena over the John Eisendrath reference, but no one else in the room got it at all." --Carmexa]

Felicity is pouring through her datebook, reconfirming that she's late. Elena senses something is wrong and asks her what is up. Felicity tells her she's late, but that she's too afraid to take the pregnancy test. Elena tells her she should take it now and that she's there to support her.

Meghan and Sean have a boring conversation which ends with Meghan telling Sean to write down ten business ideas and they'll discuss them later. She doesn't tell him about her conversation with her dad. I couldn't care less. [Well at least they're not bickering and breaking up which is a change of pace from their usual shtick. - Bitchavia]

Felicity tells Elena her pregnancy test is positive. Elena tries to reassure her that the tests aren't 100%, but Felicity says that they're pretty close. ["Yeah. They're 99.9% accurate. Duh…didn't they both take statistics? Figure out the odds." -Dys] But that didn't stop the writers from pursuing this damn storyline, did it? Nope. Elena asks Felicity if she used protection and she says that she did, but she really looks like she didn't. And we all know when she probably didn't. I'm just guessing that Noel didn't take the time to get a condom before he banged Felicity up on the roof. ["Of course not. If Noel had gone away for two minutes to get a condom, Felicity might have come to her senses by then, then he'd have missed his big chance to do her, and he's nothing if not an opportunist when it comes to Felicity. Gad, I love that guy. Not. "- Bitchavia] I have a hard time believing, though, that Felicity wouldn't have gone and gotten the morning after pill after her little lounge chair fling. I mean she had a sit-in to force the University to provide it. And she went and got it after she thought she had sex with that guy at the frat party. So, why wouldn't she have gotten it when she knew she had sex without protection? I'll tell you why. Because that would have prevented the writers from carrying out this ridiculous, unbelievable contrived storyline! Elena tells Felicity that since she used protection, she can't panic and she needs to get a blood test to be sure. Felicity looks like she is about to have a nervous breakdown and says she's not ready for this. Elena tells her that they're all here for her no matter what. She starts to say that she's sure Ben will be there for her, too, but Felicity interrupts her and begs her not to tell Ben, because he has so much going on right now. Elena seems shocked that Felicity doesn't want Ben to know, but promises not to tell him. Then, in what has to be one of the stupidest lines in television history, Felicity says that she wonders if the pageant has a category for pregnant women. Seriously, who wrote this stuff? I refuse to believe it was Josh Reims. There's no way the guy who wrote "Hello, I Must Be Going" could be responsible for this dribble.

Ben is buttoning his shirt and putting on his shoes in Felicity's room. So, did they just have sex in the middle of the afternoon? Right after she took that pregnancy test? Did he just come over to take a shower? I don't understand why he's getting dressed. And if they're gonna have a scene where he is getting dressed, why don't they start it before he puts his shirt on? Would that be so hard? ["God. No kidding. I need some gratuitous shirtless-ness to make up for the rest of this crap. Pretty please?" --Carmexa] And what's the deal with taking us 15 minutes into the episode to give us our first shot of Ben? I'm starting to feel like the writers made a list of things that would annoy me, and checked them off one by one as they wrote the episode. Anyway, Ben sighs as though he's worried and Felicity asks him what's wrong. He says that he's an idiot because yesterday was the last day to drop classes and he forgot to drop all the classes he had signed up for at the end of last year before he switched to pre-med. Wait a minute! I thought Mailroom Advisor Guy signed Ben's drop/add form back in the first episode after Ben passed that placement test. Felicity is sure that if he just goes to the registrar and explains, all will be well. Ben asks Felicity if he'll see her tonight, but she says tonight is not a good night for her. Ben says that's okay, but Felicity can tell he's disappointed and she says that she knows she's been saying that a lot lately, but there is a reason. Ben asks what the reason is. Felicity starts to get embarrassed and tells him that he can't laugh at her. Ben tells her he won't laugh, so Felicity tells him that she'll be busy the next few nights because she's in a beauty pageant. Ben's back was to Felicity as she was saying this and he does this absolutely adorable little thing where he kind of whips around and has a look of absolute disbelief on his face. He says, "I'm sorry, what was that?" I wish I could describe this better in words, because seriously, it was just perfect. Anyway, Felicity repeats that she's in a beauty pageant. Ben says, "You're in a beauty pageant?" and starts to giggle. Felicity explains that it was the only scholarship left. Ben apologizes for laughing but says that he's just having a hard time imagining her in a beauty pageant. Join the club, Ben. Maybe you should have a talk with the writers, too. Felicity explains that the winner gets $10,000, not that she's gonna win. Ben assures her in the sweet, sincere boyfriend way that she could win. Felicity doesn't think so, but says she hopes to win the academic portion because that pays $3,000. Ben looks like he's imagining Felicity prancing around on stage in a swimsuit ["Here's an idea for you writer-folk out there. Ditch the beauty pageant and have Felicity prance around in a swimsuit-it wouldn't last long anyway--for Ben in their bedroom or something. I'm sure they'd both enjoy it more, and it'd be an assload more fun to watch than this." --Carmexa] as he asks if he can come watch. Felicity is adamant that he not come because it'll be embarrassing enough as it is without him there. Ben apologizes for having laughed and tells her that she doesn't have to be embarrassed and she can tell him these things. Felicity says she knows that, but her tone of voice indicates that she's thinking there are some things she cannot tell him. The scene abruptly cuts off and I'm pissed because I bet there was a better, cuter ending to that scene and it appears that they edited the hell out of it. ["Yeah, like him calling her 'Princess' and them walking to class together. Ahem. Not that I've seen a script page that indicates that that ever happened. ASSHOLE EDITORS." --Carmexa] ["Shhhhh, it's a secret. But yeah, that's what I meant." -Litigia]


Mailroom Adviser Guy is cleaning out his office and Noel is moving in. He explains that one of Noel's duties will be to fill TA positions and that Art 10 needs a TA immediately. Oh, how convenient. Do you see how much they have to contrive to get Noel to do something nice for Felicity? God, I hate this. Anyway, Ben walks in and Mailroom Adviser Guy tells him to meet his new guidance counselor. Ben is shocked, because unlike the writers, he probably realizes how ridiculous it is that Noel could ever get this job. ["Please. Let's save everyone a lot of time, and just kill Noel now. PLEASE." --Carmexa] But he plays along and tells Noel that he needs to drop some classes. So that's why they're pretending Ben forgot to drop his classes back in the first episode. This way they can throw him together with Noel. The contrivances just keep on coming, ladies and gentlemen! Noel starts flipping through a book to figure out what to do. ["Okay, why would a counselor be responsible for advising a pre-med student and assigning an art TA position? I haven't been out of college that long to know that an advisor should handle only one department. But I guess Noel needs to be involved in all Felicity and Ben scenes in some manipulative, far-fetched way. Speaking of far-fetched…" -Dys]["And what advisor would be responsible for dropping and adding classes? He's not the freakin' registrar's office. But maybe at crazy ol' UNY, not only do they hand out jobs to unqualified people, and give them the power to hire others, but they also wear many, many hats. After Noel hires Felicity, and changes Ben's class schedule, he's going down to the university hospital to perform a bypass surgery."-Bitchavia]

Felicity is at a clinic getting her blood drawn for a pregnancy test. She asks when the results will be ready and the nurse tells her she can get the results tomorrow. Felicity tells her she won't be able to get them tomorrow because she's in a beauty pageant. I'm not sure why she thought it was important to tell her that. Nor do I understand why she wouldn't be able to take two minutes out of her beauty pageant day to call the damn clinic to find out if she really is pregnant. ["Yeah, that is completely warped. And un-Felicity like. Then again, she slept with Noel, so…" -Dys] Anyway, the nurse hands her a form and tells her that when she comes back, she can bring her boyfriend and they discuss her options. I really don't think a nurse would say this, because she is making a big assumption that Felicity even has a boyfriend and also because it really is none of the nurse's business whether she does or doesn't. It just seemed very unprofessional to me, but I guess they had to have her say it, so Felicity could respond that she's going through this alone, once again reinforcing to all of us that she is not telling Ben what is going on. Damn her. I guess I should be thankful this nurse wasn't like that judgmental bitch Felicity went to after the frat party incident last year. Remember her? Felicity told her she woke up in some guy's bed with no memory of what had happened the night before and she didn't even think to test to see if she had been drugged. And then when she saw that Felicity's birthday was the next day, she was all, "Have a happy one." Bitch.

Felicity is back at beauty pageant headquarters where the former beauty queen is giving the girls instructions on how to walk. Sarah asks Felicity what she's doing for her talent and Felicity tells her that she hasn't decided yet. Bitch contestant can't believe Felicity hasn't decided yet, considering talent is 30% of her score and says she guesses she knows where her competition isn't. If the writers intended me to care about this little contestant rivalry thing going on, they are really failing, because I so do not care. At all. Anyway, Felicity tells her that if she really wants to know, she's dancing for her talent. Bitch contestant wonders how all of a sudden, Felicity is a dancer and Sarah pipes in that Felicity is a great dancer. She must have seen her on The New Mickey Mouse Club. Felicity says she's been dancing since she was ten and that she's pretty good. Sarah adds that she's won all kinds of big awards. I bet she keeps those right next to her big trophies she won for dog paddling. Aww, "Great Expectations" flashback. ["Those were the days. Ben. Mostly naked. Happiness." --Carmexa] Back in the present, Sarah talks about how bitch contestant was in another pageant with her when bitch contestant put menthol cream in her swimsuit. She then asks Felicity if she really is a good dancer and Felicity says she wouldn't know, because she hasn't done it since she was ten.

Felicity is practicing her dancing in her room. I think she's supposed to be not that good, but Keri Russell is a really good dancer and so she sort of looks like a good dancer trying to look like a bad dancer. As she is spinning around, she catches sight of Noel creepily watching her in her doorway, laughing. She's totally embarrassed and runs to turn off the music. She also takes the form she got from the clinic and hastily hides it under her notebook on her desk. Noel apologizes for interrupting and says he's there to fix Elena's computer. He compliments her dancing, but Felicity really does not look like she wants to talk to him. Noel tries to make small talk about the pageant, but Felicity can't even look him in the eye. ["For a 'guidance counselor,' Noel has got to be approximately the least perceptive person ever. If someone won't look at you, moron, it means they want you to leave-so, use your half a withered brain cell and scram." --Carmexa] Noel asks if she's okay and wonders what is going on. Why doesn't he just leave her alone and go fix Elena's computer? Why does he always thing he's going to be able to make everything all better? He only makes things worse, dammit! Felicity tells him that she can't talk about it. Noel says he knows that things have been difficult, but that what happened between them is in the past. Felicity tells him that things are more complicated than that and Noel says, "Okay." What kind of response is that? She tells him she thinks she might be pregnant and that she's waiting for the results from the clinic, but that her home test was positive. Noel catches flies. Felicity says that she hasn't told Ben yet. Noel stammers that he supposes she's telling him because she thinks it could be his. Felicity confirms that. Noel starts to apologize when Elena walks in and tells him he's supposed to be fixing her computer. She realizes they were in the middle of something and Noel asks if he can do it later and leaves. Felicity says she'll call him. Elena realizes what is going on and says, "Oh my God." You're telling me.

We see a succession of clips of pageant contestants answering those probing interview questions they ask in beauty pageants. They're all saying stuff like, "protecting our resources," "doing it for the children," and "world peace." Apparently, they are also asked what their favorite ice cream flavor is because the last one (who I think is bitch contestant) says "rocky road." I think the intent of this little clip montage was to be humorous, but honestly, this is such a tired old cliché, that it's just plain boring. ["And I saw this exact episode on Dawson's Creek three years ago, montage and all. Well, minus the pregnancy storyline but they covered that in a later episode. You know times are tough when Felicity writers are ripping off Dawson's Creek." - Bitchavia] There have been some great satires and parodies of beauty pageants and this one is just not living up. Maybe I'm biased because I saw "Drop Dead Gorgeous" (that beauty pageant movie with Kirsten Dunst and Denise Richards) when I was intensely studying for the bar exam and in such dire need of comic relief that I thought that was one of the funniest movies I'd ever seen. But man, that scene when Denise Richards serenades Jesus with "You're Just To Good To Be True" for her talent is just way funny. And definitely way funnier than this dribble. Anyway, Felicity and Javier are standing in the wings watching the contestants be interviewed. Felicity can't believe it and Javier says, "I know. They're so good." He tells Felicity she needs to be sure to give safe answers. Felicity wonders what could possibly be dangerous answer to a question about your favorite flavor of ice cream. Sarah pipes in that the judges just want to see that you can speak in public and Felicity tells Javier this means it doesn't matter what she says. Javier tells her to say what she wants and then when the contest is over, she can call up her dad for the money. Felicity says she'll stick to safe answers. When the judges call her name, Felicity gulps, looks terrified, and walks out onto the stage. Javier tells her to "break her legs." Hee.

Felicity says she would be an oak tree because they're strong, they're always changing and they're growing. Javier gives her the thumbs up. Dr. Joyce Brothers, playing beauty pageant judge, asks Felicity what her plans for the future are. ["Okay, what the hell kind of stunt casting comes up with Dr. Joyce Brothers and Monica? Like, if you're going to go to the time, effort and expense to stunt cast, and least get some "stars" that people might remotely want to see. What are they gonna do next, invite Lionel Ritchie on the show?". - Bitchavia] See, the writers are giving us one more scene to tell us, because they apparently think we just haven't gotten it yet, that Felicity doesn't know what her future will be. Felicity hems and haws about trying to be an artist, but how it's hard to know exactly what she's going to do and how she's been struggling with it. Dr. Joyce asks her to be a little more specific. What a bitch. She said she doesn't know what she is going to be doing in the future, you wench. How do you describe more specifically that you don't know what you're going to do? The point is just to make Felicity look bad and re-emphasize that she flat out doesn't know what she wants, because she just answers, "No, I'm sorry." Keri Russell did a great job in this scene looking incredibly uncomfortable, while trying to look poised. Other than that, the scene sucked. Because it was just stupid.

Felicity walks off stage, lamenting that she blew it. Javier tries to reassure her by saying that the judges will respect her honesty. Then he tells her she's right, she blew it, but tomorrow night, the swimsuit and evening gown competitions "are ours." Is Javier going to dress up in a swimsuit and evening gown, too? Now that would be entertaining.

Sean tells Meghan about some stupid business ideas. Oh yeah, I totally forgot about this storyline. Anyway, his ideas are stupid and Meghan looks like she is going to die. Sean and Meghan get into a fight because Meghan talks about the sacrifice she's made by marrying him and how it might have been a mistake. Sean wants to know what's going on, and Meghan finally tells him about her dad's threat to cut her out of the family. They talk about John Eisendrath again, who Meghan says is a dorky guy her parents have been trying to set her up with forever. If my screenwriter friends (okay, the one person I know who is a screenwriter) ever decides to give me a shout-out in one of his movies or television shows, I'm going to be sure to tell him I can't be a dork or he is not using my name. Meghan tells Sean the point is that her dad thinks she's making a mistake. Sean asks if that's what she thinks. Meghan does not answer. Ouch.

Felicity is gathering up her books in her bedroom. Ben comes in and tells her that he missed her last night. ["Poor Ben. What the hell is wrong with that girl? Why would you stick around at a beauty pageant that you KNOW you're going to lose when you could be at home, rolling around with Ben? I just do not understand." --Carmexa] I missed you, too, Ben! Oh, sorry. Anyway, Felicity apologizes that she had to stay late at the pageant the night before and now she has to leave to go to rehearsal. Ben wonders if this is the pageant he's not allowed to go to. I think he's having a really hard time understanding why she won't let him go to the pageant. And frankly, so am I. Anyway, Felicity says she has to leave, so Ben asks if he can stay and do his lab. She says that's fine and they kiss. Ben wishes her good luck. Awwww, he's so sweet. Ben starts clearing off Felicity's desk so he can work on his lab, and of course, finds the form from the clinic about her pregnancy test. Ben looks shocked and terrified. I wonder if the director told Scott Speedman to do an impression of Scott Foley, because he looks like he's doing his best attempt at bugging his eyes out the way Foley does all the time. It's like one of his two facial expressions. He's got the nostrils flaring thing and then the "big eyes" thing. Anyway, it's not all that attractive on Speedy (although eminently more attractive than it is on Foley, duh), so I would prefer that he not do it again. ["I'm disowning you right now. I cannot believe you just said that." --Carmexa] ["Calm down, lip balm girl. I'm just saying it's not his best look." -Litigia]

Felicity is dressed up like a slutty cowgirl and all the contestants are rehearsing a dance routine to "Rhinestone Cowboy." She looks about as unenthusiastic and embarrassed as she possibly could. Bitch contestant is all smiles and precise with her dance moves. The former beauty queen lady says she sees tired faces and that beauty queens always smile. Is there anyone that still cares about this stupid beauty pageant storyline? I just want it to be OVER!

Felicity and Sarah are commiserating backstage and Sarah suggests they put menthol cream in bitch contestant's swimsuit. Felicity is worried they will get caught, but Sarah says, "come on" and so Felicity can't resist.

Noel is playing basketball at one of those outdoor courts. Ben shows up and is surprised that Noel is there, because he didn't know that he came down there. Noel says that he usually doesn't, but that he has a lot on his mind. Ben asks if he minds if he shoots with him. How great a guy is Ben? In this time of worry and turmoil, he still thinks to ask Noel whether he minds if he shoots with him. I wouldn't mind if he just shot him, period. But Ben's just too nice to do something like that. Damn. Ben takes a couple of shots and makes both of them, because he's perfect in every way. ["And because he's in the NBA Entertainment League." --Carmexa]

Felicity and Sarah run into some wardrobe room, laughing, presumably having just completed their menthol cream mission. They sit down on the floor as Felicity says that she can't believe they did that. Sarah forces Felicity to admit that she had a little fun. Sarah wants to know who Felicity invited to the pageant, because her entire family is coming. It gets established that no one, including Feicity's boyfriend, is coming, because she didn't invite anyone. Sarah doesn't understand why. Felicity says she's embarrassed, but Sarah explains that she thinks that's why she needs him there, someone to support her. Yeah, Felicity. Listen to the girl. Felicity then explains that Ben was the most popular guy in high school and she wasn't at all, and that she knows they've changed a lot since high school, but sometimes she feels like one day, he's going to see her for who she really is and not want her anymore. Where in the hell did that come from? Over the past year and a half of Felicity and Ben's relationship, I have never seen Felicity show any evidence one bit that she felt that way. Never. If anything, it was the other way around. I always thought that Ben was worried that he wasn't good enough for Felicity and that she saw these wonderful things in him that maybe weren't there. And that one day, she would wake up and realize that. But I've never seen anything to suggest Felicity felt the same way. And certainly not that it has something to do with the fact that Ben was popular in high school and she wasn't. ["Felicity stopped believing that Ben was perfect because he was popular way back in 'Spooked'-one of the first episodes of the FIRST season. Later, she realized that he was perfect, but not because he was popular. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Or not." --Carmexa] So either the writers are just making this whole sudden relationship insecurity out of whole cloth, or Felicity is just covering for the fact that the real reason she is insecure about the relationship is that she knows she cheated on Ben. So, maybe she does feel like one day, he will see who she really is (a cheating slut) and then not want her. ["That's what I concluded from this scene as well. She's regressing back to her insecure high-school days, but now it's for a different reason. I liked the scene because it showed how deathly scared she is of losing Ben. As well she should be." -Dys] I'm going to give the writers the benefit of the doubt and go with that, because that is the only thing that makes sense. ["I do think it was the latter, but she could have said something else that was a little closer to the truth: 'Sarah, you know when you look at a picture of Jesus-or Hindu equivalent--, and you think, "Damn, I can never be as good as Jesus was. Why should I even try?"' I think that would have been more accurate." --Carmexa]

Ben and Noel are still shooting hoops. Ben thanks Noel for sticking around and explains that he just had to get out of there, which I guess means the loft. Noel wants to know what's going on and Ben says he's worried about his add/drop stuff and his chemistry class. Noel says he'll take care of the add/drop stuff and Ben thanks him. Ben thinks for a moment and then says that there is actually something else that is going on, that Felicity might be pregnant. Noel says, "she told you?" in a tone of voice that was clearly meant to convey that he already knew. Ben gives him a look and explains that she didn't tell him, but that he found an invoice in her room. Ben asks Noel if Felicity told him about it? Noel denies it, again I think intentionally doing the worst acting job ever. Ben can see right through it and says, "She did tell you, didn't she?" Noel is silent and Ben asks him why Felicity would tell him. Noel says he guesses it's because they're friends. ["Nah, I don't think that was it, asshole. I'm pretty sure it was because you forced it out of her, and she feels guilty as hell." --Carmexa] Ben grabs his basketball and says he needs to go find Felicity to talk to her and walks off. He bounces the basketball really hard with both hands. I wish that basketball was Noel's head.["Or that Ben bounced the basketball off Noel's head, like that time he rebounded a can of beer off Noel's noggin. Man, those were the days!"- Bitchavia]

Felicity and Sarah are getting ready for the pageant when bitch contestant walks in screaming about the menthol cream someone put in her swimsuit. Felicity and Sarah just laugh. I don't because it wasn't funny. I have a feeling the writers originally planned a bigger payoff then that, but because the WB is cramming more and more commercials into the show (which I assume they are being forced to do because this whole stupid love triangle is not bringing in the ratings like the producers planned), we don't get it. We just get Sarah and Felicity kind of laughing.

Felicity is doing her final primping for the contest, when Ben walks in and pulls her aside, telling her he needs to talk to her. Felicity wants to know what he's doing there. Ben looks at her for a moment and then asks if she is pregnant. Felicity looks shocked and stammers that she doesn't know and that she has to go to the clinic. She asks how he knows that. Ben tells her that he found the form and then had to hear it from Noel. Felicity apologizes, but Ben doesn't understand why she didn't tell him. Felicity tells him that he's right, she absolutely should have told him, but that she panicked and that he had so much going on right now and she didn't want to bother him. Ben is looking at her like he can't believe what she's saying and you detect a sense of hurt in his eyes that she didn't feel like she could tell him this. For what it's worth, Felicity sounds really sorry. Even if she is lying about why she didn't tell him. Ben accepts her apology and then says he's going. Felicity asks him to stay. Ben looks at her and asks if she's not going to be too embarrassed if he stays. The way he says it just really makes me sad, because he sounds sad that she would feel embarrassed to share any part of her life with him. Felicity says that she will be incredibly embarrassed but that she would feel better if he stayed. Then she says, "please." Ben's heart melts and so he agrees to stay. He loves her so much. Javier runs up and tells Felicity to "Go. Bring home the crown!" Felicity walks off and Javier excitedly says, "Hi Benjahmeeen!" I love Javier.

The pageant contestants introduce themselves. Javier and Ben stand backstage as the various contestants prepare to walk on to introduce themselves. Bitch contestant stops and tells them that Felicity doesn't stand a chance. Javier tells her she is going down. What was the point of that scene? If they were going to edit out scenes to cram in extra commercials, why couldn't they edit that one out? Who is running this show????? ["Not us. Damn." --Carmexa]

Clip montage of contestants in swimsuits, evening gowns, and doing their talent programs. Felicity is not among them. Sarah sings "The Greatest Love of All." That's a weird song choice, I think. I remember when I was in middle school and you could not go to a talent competition or choir concert or watch a beauty pageant without hearing someone sing that song. But that was like ten years ago. Anyway, as Sarah sings, Felicity walks around backstage and finds Ben, who is standing in the wings, watching Sarah sing. Felicity stands next to him and looks at him like she is glad he is there. Ben looks at her for a second, but they don't say anything. Okay, not getting the point of this scene either. Am I missing something?

Some girl wins the swimsuit competition. Felicity wins "best evening wear." Some other girl wins for academic excellence and Felicity is disappointed. Sarah wins first runner-up and, of course, bitch contestant wins the crown. Felicity does not even try to look happy for her. She and Sarah exchange a look.

Sarah, Javier, and Felicity commiserate backstage. Felicity turns around and sees Ben, who waves at her and starts to walk toward her. Sarah eyes him and asks who it is. Felicity just laughs and walks toward Ben. Felicity whines about only winning best evening gown. Ben tells her that's okay, because she got a $200 gift certificate to The Wiz, which is good. ["That is good! I could use a gift certificate to the Wiz right now. That's like 12 CDs! But I'm not entering a friggin beauty contest for it." --Carmexa] ["Dyslexia thought Felicity won a voucher to see the musical The Wiz. Carmexa gave her shit for not knowing The Wiz is some big-ass electronics store in the NY region. I had no idea what The Wiz was either since I live in the forest, but I guessed it was some kind of a store since that's more the kind of thing you get a gift certificate for, and I didn't think there were any productions of The Wiz playing in New York right now."- Bitchavia] Awww, he is so sweet and supportive. Felicity tells him that the better news is that she's not pregnant. Ben sighs heavily and agrees that that is the better news. He asks her if she called the clinic. Felicity says she didn't have to and explains that she got her period. ["Whatever. I am personally offended by this plot. How can she have a positive home test and get her period a few days later? How unrealistic and cheaply thrown together. Medically speaking, her situation sounds much more like an early miscarriage, but God, please promise to just drop this storyline altogether." -Dys] Ben says that's good and smiles in relief. ["Yeah, but before he looks relieved, he looks confused. Like, the thought that she gets her period has never even entered his mind. I found it pretty cute and funny." --Carmexa] ["So did Felicity." -Litigia] Felicity apologizes again for not telling him and says that she is glad he stayed. Ben smiles and says that he's glad he stayed, too. They hug. I love the way Ben always buries his face in Felicity's shoulder when they hug. It's like he melts completely into her. And then he kind of rocks her from side to side as he hugs her. Say it with me. Awwwwww. ["Awwww…." -Dys] ["Awwwww…" --Carmexa]["Awwwwww...cubed." - Bitchavia]

Sean and Meghan make up. She says she's gonna tell her dad that he can keep his stupid money. Sean wants to know how much it is and Meghan says it's a lot. They kiss.[Great, now we can check off the Sean-and-Meghan-fight-then-make-up scenes off our regular episode features list. - Bitchavia]

Noel stops by Felicity's apartment. He thanks her for the call in which she apparently informed him that he wasn't going to be a daddy. Then he tells her he has a solution for her tuition problem. Felicity tells him that she can't take his money. Noel says it's not that, and tells her about the TA position for Art 10-remember the one Mailroom Advisor Guy mentioned way back when? Yeah, that one. Anyway, he says the only hitch is that it would be down the hall from his office. Felicity wonders if that would be weird and makes up excuses why she shouldn't take it. Noel asks her if she would take it if they hadn't slept together. Felicity says she guesses she would. Noel says if she doesn't take it, it will mean everything has changed and he doesn't want that. ["You asshole. Everything HAS changed. Again, how NOT perceptive can you be?" --Carmexa] He doesn't want to be someone she can't be around. He asks her to think about it and she says she will.

Ben enters Noel's office and finds him messing with his window. Ben asks what he is doing. Noel says that he was just wondering how many layers of paint they have to put on there to keep him from jumping. ["Stupid painters!" -Dys] Don't tease me like that, Noel. Ben says he can just quit if he hates the job. Noel says yeah and asks if Ben brought the add/drop form. Ben hands him a crumpled up piece of paper and they joke about the state of the form. Ben thanks Noel for handling the add/drop thing and Noel says it's no problem. Ben tells Noel that he doesn't know if he has heard, but that Felicity is not pregnant. Noel says that he didn't know and that's great. Scott Foley does the "big eyes" thing. They seriously look like they are going to pop out of his head. Noel finishes signing the form and Ben asks if Noel needs help with his window. Noel says he doesn't ["Noel just doesn't want to be humiliated. He knows that Ben would open that window with one hand and make it look easy." --Carmexa] and Ben says that maybe they can go play some hoops later. Noel says he would like that, but you know that he so would not like that. I love that Ben goes out of his way to be nice to Noel, just because Noel is Felicity's friend. Most guys would not do that. But most guys aren't perfect, either. Ben walks out of Noel's office and Noel sits down at his desk, contemplating his life and the fact that he will never be as perfect and wonderful as Ben.

The End (Thank God).

 


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