This is to all of the people in my life and that ever laid eyes on my website, you don't need to bother. My life is just a big pile of shit and it has always been that way from the beginning. People say that it was because of all of the bad choices I have made. I say FUCK YOU because it is not all my fault. There has been people in my life that fucked things up for me, like my next door neighbor who fucked up my life along time ago. What that person has done to my life is unspeakable. I will never for give that person and the people who do that kind of stuff everyday, screwing up other innocent peoples lives. People go day in day out not thinking about the affects they leave on other peoples lives. I think back to these things and feel pitty for myself and others like me. The things that happen to people like me are unhealable and are brought up in their minds everyday. We lose trust in everyone and it is hard for us to talk about it... I wish that I could die everytime I think about it, and I think about it everyday.
Other things that are long affecting on people is when you call someone stupid, worthless, and lazy. When people hear these almost everyday it makes them think that they are, and everytime they mess up they call themselves stupid, or worthless. I have gone my whole life being called stupid, worthless, lazy, freeloader, piece of shit, dead weight, a berdain, and more along those lines. I feel like I am all of these things everyday and think about ending my life because of these things... the only reason why I don't is because I would become an even more burdain on my parents, costing them more money which they don't have. I feel like I don't really have any true friends because I feel like I am a burdain on them. My girlfriend I feel that I am a burdain to her because I am holding her back. I know she can do better than me, and why she wastes her time with me I don't know.
Day in day out I am measured up to someone, for instants my cousins. All I hear from my aunts and uncles is how well my cousins are doing in school, or how good they are at sports and so forth. I am feed up with this shit because everytime I do something good, my parents try to tell my grandma about it and she always has to change the subject to one of my cousins... Like so and so is doing so well in football he made varsity. BIG FUCKING WHOOPY, I was in football I did good at it, I never heard her praise me. Everything I do, I feel that I am not good enough. Someone always does better than me at it. Then when I do do something they aren't in I get what they call HELPFUL CRITIZISM, you know what when they give it to me it sounds like they are just trying to tell me that I am doing it all wrong. Tell me what the FUCK would they know about it, they don't have a foot in it or even a toe. SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Anxiety is my enemy... it stops me from doing most stuff in the world. It is like someone reaching in your gut and twisting your insides... You want to do stuff but everytime you make a step closer to doing it, it twists tighter and tighter... your heart pounds like crazy thoughts fly through your head, thoughts that are trying to make you change your mind about what you wanna do... If you wanna go swimming with your friends at a local pool, anxiety comes with... it is there telling you that you are to fat, people are staring and laughing at you, you head starts to spin around. This happens to me alot, like when I want to go to my girlfriends house. I can't waste time going over there or it will get worst. I think that I am ugly and stupid and that she is probably thinking these things everytime I am around her. I am not the perfect person and I am not the worst person in the world, but my life is not easy as some would say. Why doesn't someone put a bullet in my head... PLEASE!!! End my my pain and suffering.
More things to put on here, I think I pretty much have depression. I have some much shit going on in my head that makes me depressed. It is my one disease that I think that I will never conquer, it shuts me down on the worst time inmagable. I hate it. It kills me in the inside. It makes me feel like shit and makes me wish that everyone around me would just leave me alone and not get attached to me. It would make it so much easier on them. They wouldn't miss me as much or be hurt as much as they are now. I can't stand hurting people or being a burdain. I just want to die.
If you read this you will know why I think that you shouldn't bother with me. I am worthless, I have nothing to offer you... I am just a waste of your time and if you get close to me I will just end up hurting you. I am a self centered piece of shit.
Why? Why am I this way? I didn't ask for it did I? Did GOD think it would be a funny joke to torture me this way? Or did I die and this is my hell? I never wanted this, I wish that I could of been like everyone else. Care free and not a burdain on anyone. Is there anyone out there that knows my pain and/or could help me through this? I don't like this me, I like the sweet, tender, and fun guy I am really. Is it really that hard for GOD to give me that?
Jamie, I wanna ask you something... Why are you with me? I am worthless, I am a piece of shit, stupid, dumb, retard, fat, ugly... I have nothing to offer you. I am 17, I don't have a job, a car, I don't even have a license. I can't take you to places or give you the things that you deserve... All I can do is just be a burdain. That is what I am to everyone. I waste peoples time, they wait up for me and I just leave them waiting. I will never stack up to anything.
Thanks for letting me vent.
