'Savage Love' is Dan Savage's widely published
advice column. Some of his responses to letters address some of my rant topics
better than I can, so here he is. All emphasis is mine.
(By the way, "Hey, Faggot" is the way
he chose to be addressed for his column.)
n n n
THE "GAY SCENE"
Hey, Faggot:
Why does gay life suck so much? Irregardless of AIDSphobia, homophobia or whatever, gay men treat each other, mostly, as fantasy sex objects (I too). I've been having sex with men exclusively since I was 17. Although I've always dreamt of romance with Mr. Stud Muffin (kissing me, holding me in his muscular arms, with his wonderful, muscular legs wrapped around me), I have nearly always taken cheap sex in lieu of depression and loneliness, which only leads to more emptiness.
At the ripe old age of 37, I'm ready to call it quits. Maybe two men, no matter how "hot" or "horny" they may be for each other, just aren't meant to be together for more than a few cheap sexual encounters. I go to the baths, I even worked in one for a month a year ago. Yes, hot sex scenes can be fun, but lonely, lonely, lonely after you've shot your load, pulled out, wiped off and said, "Thanks, pardner!"
Where is the love? Lasting love? True love? Why must gay life be so lonely, bitter, alcoholic, drug-addicted, backstabbing? Why can't we band together as gay men and promote "relationships" and love as the ideal, not just firm butts and large cocks? In between all your anatomical descriptions of the g-spot and eating out butt hole, talk a little about how fucked-up gay life so often is for gay men.
Peter
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Hey, Peter:
Let's get the important stuff out of the way first: it's "regardless", not "irregardless".
On to your question: Why does gay life suck? Gee, my gay life doesn't suck. My gay friend Kevin's life is okay. And Dave is having a grand time. Even my boyfriend, li'l Terry, seems content.
So the queston isn't, "Why does gay life suck?" but rather, "Why does YOUR gay life suck?" Not, "What's wrong with gay men?" but, "What's wrong with YOU?"
Yes, there are lots of fucked-up gay men in the world. On average, we drink more, smoke more, take more drugs, and fuck more than straight people do. Sometimes for the right reasons: coming out can put us in touch with our desires in a positive, freeing way, resulting in our being more socially and sexually adventurous. But lots of gay men do these thngs for the wrong reasons: they're out there trying to destroy themselves and others with drugs, booze, sex, cigs, and bad attitudes. Growing up gay in a homophobic world can be a wildly traumatic experience. A gay man rejected by his family, taught to hate himself by his church, abandoned by his friends - he may grow up to act out on that self-hatred, abusing his lovers and his "community". But please note: gay people don't fuck up gay people, straight people do. We are who we are because straight people made us this way. We don't raise ourselves.
But: whatever abuse we may suffer as children, or be forced to endure as adults, is no excuse to treat each other like
shit, spread HIV, drink too much, or whatever. Yes, lots of gay men are damaged goods. The trick is to: (a) make sure you're not damaged goods yourself, and if you are, to get some help, and (b) avoid gay men who are damaged goods and aren't getting help.
Now, some practical tips: gay life, like straight life, is a series of what? Of choices, snacktray. You make choices about your priorities, your friends, what "scene" you attach yourself to, etc.
If your gay life is a miserable one, it's probably because you're making what? Bad choices.
From reading your letter, it's pretty clear that you've been looking for love in all the wrong places. You won't meet husband material in a bathhouse. Gay bathhouses are whorehouses, differing from the hetero variety only in that ours are entirely staffed by volunteers. A straight guy looking for a wife in a whorehouse isn't going to have much luck. Not that there aren't any quality women in whorehouses - there are - but they're not there looking for husbands. And you shouldn't be looking for husbands in whorehouses either.
Additionally, you sound like one of those guys who complains he can't find a lover, when the real problem is that you can't find a lover who looks like Brad Pitt. Fantasy boyfriends are often just that.
Here's where we can borrow a page from the breeder playbook: average-looking straight people usually settle down with other average-looking straight people. If falling in love and settling down is what you want to do, you're going to have to do some settling-for.
No two people are perfect for each other; long-term relationships are a series of tensely negociated truces. If you can't hack it, get thee to a bathhouse, go! But on your way to the tubs,
don't call into question the ability of the rest of the gay men in the world to "truly" love each other just because you're sexually and emotionally
stunted.
And don't have higher expectations of the gay community than you would of any other community.
I get so sick of listening to guys complain about the gay "community" not being a real community because they can't find a lover, or they don't do well at the baths, or they were mistreated by someone or other who happens to be gay. Does everyone in the deaf "community" love each other unreservedly? How about the IV-drug-using "community"? Does the entire Jewish "community" get along? Of course not! The gay "community" is not responsible for making you happy, making you feel welcome or finding you a boyfriend. That's your job. The gay "community" is an opportunity, a space you can visit or live in. It is not a birthday party being thrown for you by your mother.
Finally, the community cannot collectively decide to "promote relationships and love as the ideal, not just firm butts and large cocks". You are perfectly free, however, to promote those values in your own life. Nor can the community "band together" as a whole: it's too large, we're too diverse. We don't all like or agree or get along with each other. Even if the day comes when gay people are not abused or oppressed, there will still be plenty of fucked-up gay men in the world, just as there are fucked-up people everywhere, gay, straight, whatever. You are perfectly free, however, to band together with other individual gay men you do like, form your own nurturing, loving circle of friends, and change your
own life for the better.
WAXING POETIC ABOUT MONOGAMY AND MARRIAGE
Hey, Faggot:
I'm here today to chastise you for your hasty advice to the breeder female newlywed with the redhots for a married guy in her office.
Over the course of 17 years with one guy, I have faced Newlywed's Dilemma several excruciating times. Here are my words of wisdom: There is nothing in the world that approximates the voyage of discovery that is a long-term, committed relationship. The story you write together is an ongoing act of creation that will give back to you many times what you put into it. In my experience, an outside love puts a serious monkey wrench into this process. In my heart, anyway, there simply isn't room for both committed marriage and that other guy I just gotta have.
The question is not will she kick herself when she's eighty for not having fucked this guy's brains out (she may), but will she kick herself harder for having blown the chance at the slow miracle that True Love offers.
Been There, Here's Better
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Hey, BTHB:
Huh? Oh, excuse me. I must have dozed off for a minute. Could you repeat the question?
SEX AND "SPIRITUALITY"
Hey Faggot:
Sometimes I feel all alone in the world. I am an androgynous spirit. Sex to me means spirituality, tenderness, kindness, loving another human being as myself, passionate kisses, emotional merging, having the self-respect to look another human being in the eyes when you fuck them. Enjoying another person's thoughts and memories. Love is blind. Call me a freak, but that's my libido.
LM
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Hey, LM:
Your "libido" sounds really evolved. You, on the other hand, sound like a drip - which might have more to do with your loneliness than your androgyny. Sex can be all the wonderful things you claim it always is for you (never fuck for fuck's sake?), but if there's one thing I know for sure about sex, it's this: Having sex, even tender, loving, passionate, look-em-in-the-eyes (never been blindfolded?), merge-with-me sex with someone who won't shut up about how they're feeling so tender, so passionate, so completely merged, so blah, blah, blah - destroys whatever spiritual vibe you get going. It's hard to feel tender and passionate about someone you wanna choke to death.
RIMMING, ETC.
Hey, Faggot:
I would like to react to your comments on rimming. I would no doubt be considered a tight ass for saying anything, but just because something feels good does not mean it's okay.
People have to face the facts: the asshole is meant for eliminating waste from the body. If you enjoy licking it or screwing around in it, don't be surprised when you get shit in your mouth. Here are only a few of the things a person can pick up from rimming: hepatitis, shigella, campylobacter, herpes I and II, gonorrhea, Epstein-Barr, cytomegalovirus, E. coli, streptococci, parasite eggs.
I don't care if people want to swing from the chandeliers while they have their fists up each other's ass, but I want people to realize that if they get anything from anal sex or rimming, which they will, they will be spreading it to everyone they have contact with. The consequences greatly outweigh a few minutes of pleasure that can be had. Get wise, assholes.
C.J.
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Hey, C.J.:
Yes you can contract a whole bunch of nasty diseases rimming. You can also contract a whole bunch of nasty diseases from man-on-top-as-God-intended-cock-in-pussy het-sex. AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes and all of its sequels, genital warts, trichomoniasis, hepatitis B, chancroid, crabs, scabbies, nongonococcal urethritis, to name just a few. Should straights give up vaginal intercourse simply because careless or unlucky folks have gotten the clap that way?
No, they shouldn't. What straights should do, what we all should do, is this: whether you're rimming, sucking, fucking, or swinging from the chandeliers, take precautions. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you can probably let your guard down, but you should still monitor your health, and your partner's.
And yes, our assholes were designed for poopin' - but we use different parts of our bodies for uses unintended by our delinquent creator. Vocal cords were not designed for speech, our backs were not designed for walking upright, our noses were not designed to hold up our glasses. I suspect, like the vast majority of hets and homos, you engage in oral sex. Were mouths designed to give blow jobs? Or does your fucking and sucking original intent doctrine only apply to sex acts you disapprove of?
YONI
Hey, Faggot:
My former lover used to say that he wouldn't eat a pussy he just came in. Last night, my current lover of six months ejaculated inside my yoni before I orgasmed, and I asked him to go down on me. He refused, saying it didn't appeal to him.
I think of my yoni as a sanctuary of creative feminine powers, cupid's cave, and a lotus of her wisdom. If men find their own liquids disgusting and dirty, they shouldn't come inside me to begin with. My yoni is not a trash can for their pollution.
Do a lot of men find oral sex after intercourse "unappealing"? Are they too straight? Too paranoid? Do I need a new lover who shares my sexual desires?
Yoni
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Hey, Yoni:
I'm turning your question over to Savage Lab's straight boys. Overall, the boys freely admitted to having done the deed, though none seemed particularly enthusiastic about it:
"It's less fun to lick pussy after intercourse than before it. A post-sex pooky is loosey-goosey and messy, a before-sex one is like a bud waiting to be opened, taut and delicious. Which is why you should always go down on a girl for ages before having intercourse - it makes it more likely she'll come first, and obviates the need for this debate."
The straight boys I work with are a pretty homophobia-free bunch of guys, so this sample may not be representative of the average pussy-chompin', faggot-stompin' American male - others may be more paranoid about turning gay from tasting a smidge of their own semen. Finally, you might have better luck getting the boyfriends to eat you out if you refrain from using insipid, silly words like "yoni" and if you stopped with the sanctuary/cupid's cave/lotus-of-her-wisdom nonsense. That kinda "sacred sex" talk is enough to put any man off his lunch, let alone a "sacred vessel" overflowing with his own spunk. Eesh.
