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SELF-QUOTES
- "How often is daily keno on..?" - Cheese
- "Hmm.. the waiter that served me today was hot. He had one sea-blue eye and one hazel. And he grinned when he caught me blatantly checking out his ass" - Bean
- "I was like - lean sideways.. tilt head.. squint just a bit.. ooo.. niiiice.... wait! He's caught me! Oh.. crap.. oh wait, he grinned. And it was a nice grin. Hmm... so many possibilities..." - Bean
- "Heeeyyy.... half-forgotten bowl of ice cream... hello..." - Bean
- Someone: Yo
Cheese: Ghurt!
- *typical for a thursday morn bus trip*
"Karate was on last night!!" - Cheese
"Oh? Whose nuts did you kick this time?" - Bean
- "Do you have those quotes written in your diary somewhere?"- Bean
"Somewhere, remind me when im not lazy, lol" - Cheese
- "Yeah I'm okay, why the hell wouldnt i be ok at 5 freaking am in the morning?!"- Cheese
- Specific Teacher, after Sarah running a lot: "Breath in through your nose, out trough your mouth"
Sarah: "Yah, thats what I've been doing. like my entire life"
"well I was just trying to help!"
Sarah: "I dont need your help, pshht"
Teacher (to Jo): "Well at least some people in the class are nice"
FRIEND'S
QUOTES (Our friends, not TV Friends ^.^;;)
- "I kick you! I kick you!.. Argh! Ow! I run!" - This girl that we managed to convince we had opposite names, and then Cheese kicked her - though I can't remember why... LOL.
- "But I'm thinking about working, and everybody knows it's the thought that counts!" - Lisa
QUOTES
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If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
- If voting could really change anything, it would be illegal.
- When your Dad is mad and asks you "Do I look stupid?" don't answer.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either; just leave me the hell alone.
- No-one is listening until you make a mistake.
- "Sir, you're drunk!" Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober" Churchill's reply.
- "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink" Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." Churchill's reply.
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Guys are like computers. To get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and somes days, the statue.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- I like cats too, lets exchange recipes.
- If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- See no evil, do no evil, have no fun.
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
- Do not ask questions when you do not want to here the answer.
- I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them.
- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- If at first you don't suceed... destroy all evidence that you tried.
- I have the body of a god - Buddha.
- I'm in shape. Round's a shape isn't it?
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days, the statue.
- As you slide down the banister of life, may all the splinters be pointing in the right direction.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbours dog run to the end of its chain and gag himself.
- The best things in life - aren't things.
INSULTS
- Dumber than a box of hair.
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
- All foam, no beer.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
- He feel out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
- Slinkys kinked.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Doctors say laughter is the best medicine. Well I'm getting so healthy just looking at your face.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Gate are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If he was any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room-temperature IQ.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- If he was going any slower, he'd be going backwards.
- The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
- Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap - park somewhere else.
CONFUCIUS SAYS
- Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
- Man who run in front of can get tyred.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man who walk through airpoty turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
- Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
- Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.
- It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
- Spider on toilet seat get pissed off.
- Virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.
MOTTOS
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Atheism is a non-prophet orginisation.
- Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade.
- If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving isn't for you.
- Constipated people don't give a crap.
- So many pedestrians - so little time.
- Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life.
DEEP
THOUGHTS
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- So what's the speed of dark?
- I went for a walk last night. When someone asked how long I would be, I replied "The whole time."
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
- If you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- Why do they steralise needles for lethal injections?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
- If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- If olive oil is made from olives, then what it baby oil made of?
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
- Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best Friends listen to what you don't say.
- Don't frown, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
- If all my friends were to jump off of a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
FAMOUS QUOTES
- "What are you thinking?" "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking." --Al Bundy, Married with Children.
- On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Rich Jeni, Montreal Comedy Festival.
- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a 'son-of-a-b****'." --Rich Jeni, Montreal Comedy Festival.
- "We didn't underestimate them, they were a lot better than we thought." --Bobby Robson.
- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." --Murray Walker, Ex-F1 commentator.
- "The lead car is absolutely uniqute, except for the one behind it which is identical." --Murray Walker, Ex-F1 commentator.
- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." --Greg Norman.
- "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious." --Alan Minter.
Jokes
- How to Impress a Woman: compliment her, respect her, honour her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
- How to Impress a Man: Show up naked. Bring beer.
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