350
  In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.
 In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. 
 In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
 In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card  and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
 In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
 In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
 In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.
 In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.  At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they  deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
 In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 
 In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 
 In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic. At work we ALWAYS have managers.
YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .Your back goes out more than you do.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You are proud of your lawn mower.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You call Olan Mills before they call you.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You sing along with the elevator music.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You make an appointment to see the dentist.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You know longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .Neighbors borrow your tools.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?". 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You have a dream about prunes.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You answer a question with, "Because I said so!". 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You send money to PBS.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You take a metal detector to the beach.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You wear black socks with sandles.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You know what the word "equity" means.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .Your ears are hairer than your head.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You got cable for the weather channel. 
 YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Ways to reject pick-up lines.  1.  Man:  "Haven't we met before?" Woman:  "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  2.  Man:  "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman:  "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  3.  Man:  "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman:  "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  4.  Man:  "Want to Dance?" Woman:  "No, thank you."  Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  5.  Man:  "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?" Woman:  "It's in the phone book." Man:  "But I don't know your name." Woman:  "That's in the phone book too."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  6.  Man:  "So what do you do for a living?" Woman:  "Female impersonator."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  7.  Man:  "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman:  "Unfertilized,  screw off!"
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  8.  A girl in her late 20's/early 30's once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line. Man: "Where have you been all my life?" Woman:  "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
  Ways to reject pick-up lines.  9.  Two men  were walking down the street and one glanced at a girl who had just walked by.  She turned around and said to him, "What are you looking at?"  The other man, walking next to him, came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
2The two most common elements in the universe are 4Hydrogen and Stupidity.
2If at first you dont succeed...4skydiving is not for you!
2Deja Moo..the feeling that you've heard this 4bull 2before.
2Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check!
2It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats!! 4(more info after the next study)
2Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
2If you are given an open book exam.. you will have forgotten you book.
2The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody apreciates how difficult it was.
2It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warnig to others.
2The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
2Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
2I've been married and I've been happy..4I'd Rather be happy!
4I believe in 9,4Survival of the fetish!! 0,0.1,8:)
10CHAOS= Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome (messy house) lol
12Stay tuned for the continuing adventures- 10 Women who MIRC too much, and the men who try to love them.  Constantly.
2If Kristi Yamaguchi (the ice skater) cloned herself, would she be a Ice Queen Clone?
10No tree is to big for a short dog to lift his leg on.
4"When it comes to cussin' dont swallow yer tounge, Use both barrels and air out your lungs!"
2 We are grown men and women.  Keep reminding yourself
6How do you turn on your lazer printer to stun or kill???
10"If you get to thinking your a person of some influence, try ordering someone eles dog around "
2"Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance"
2"When the horse dies, get off"
2"Women don't make fools of men, they just give 'em the opportunity"
12"Never make a promise without some idea of how you're going to keep it"
2Never marry a widow who's first husband was poisoned 
2"Never go quietly, Always raise hell about it"
12 Sometimes ya just need to fiddle with your horizontal, and toggle your verticle:) (and if you have company doing it.. more the better!) hehe
4  Always look both ways when running a red light. 
2 If a tree falls and no one hears it... who cares?
7"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
15 The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
4 The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' symbolizes 'two women living under one roof'. In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same.
12 The word "queueing" is the only English word with five consecutive vowels.
10  "Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0
4 (random church thingy) THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. JACKSON TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR
(random church thingy) lADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND.   THEY MAY BE SEEN IN CHURCH BASEMENT ON FRIDAY AFTERNOONS!
10 (random church thingy)Tue there will be an icream social at 4PM. Ladies giving milk, please come early! 
10 (random church thingy)Thurs there well be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the minister in his study.
10 If Mamma Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, They'd both be alive today!
1what part did Ron Howard have in Star Wars?? (Opie Won Kanobi)
10How can you tell when a computer on the network has a virus?? (a stuffed up node)
10The secret to success...Work Hard.. Stay late.. And win the Lottery!
10Credit for alot of these puns..GaryB, Kootenai, Gigi8, PunWebpage, Doslass, and anyone else i thought was funny. 13(I didnt want to take ALL the blame) hehe
2A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out...
12"Never take to sawing the branch thats supporting you, unless yer being hung from it"
10 Always take a good look at what your about to eat.Its not so important to know what it is, but its critical to know what it was.
4ON INFINITY .... 6If you had everything, where would you keep it ?
4ON ECONOMICS ... 6The cost of living hasnt affected its popularity
12 I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
10When I got up this morning I took 2 ex-lax in addition to my prozac.   I cant get off the john but I feel good about it
9Excuse #15 10If it is all the same to you I wont be coming to work.  The voices in my head told me to clean all of my guns today.
2HI !  Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets
4Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive ?
10Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?
11How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning ?
10 No matter where you are in a room...it's always room temperature
12says the real difference between the genders is,13 Women wanna see what's on t.v.---12men want to see what ELSE is on t.v. :)
10Bumper sticker -->Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes
12 Men like to barbeque, men will cook if danger is involved 
10Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggie.....until you can find a rock.
12Madness takes its toll, please have exact change.
4 I used up all my sick days, so Im calling in dead
2Be nice to your kids , they will choose your nursing home
1 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
13Few women admit their age, few men act theirs
12Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a noise ?
If your cross eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right ? 
Is it possible to be totally partial ?
12Why isnt there mouse flavored cat food ?
9Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
7Is there another word for synonym ?
13 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
6If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap ?
2All men would still really like to own a train set
2Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long ?
12 A man went to the doctors.. He complained that sometimes he felt like a wigwam, and sometimes a teepee... 2 The doctor said, "Thats your problem sir! You are13 two tents!!   
12 Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak, and were chilling..So they lit a fire. The kayak burnt & sank..Thus Proving once & for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it too!
2 What do you get if you cross Lee Iacocca  with Dracula?? hmm.. 12 A:AUTO EXEC.BAT
10(From my random song file) 10 When you swim in a creek, 10 and an eel bites your feet, Thats 4 a moray! :)
10(From my random song file)  2 Have you heard the new rap blues song?? 11,1Raps CD In Blues
12There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
13 Seven daze without puns, makes one weak!
10 Did you hear about the guy that was soo dumb, he thought the Canadian border  paid rent??
4 Show me where's Stalin buried..And I will show you a commumist plot!! 
10The same routine that is killing you is the same routine that is keeping you alive.
7 To err is human.. To moo bovine!! 
14 A great Jedi English teacher was quoted as saying, "May the metaphors be with you!" |   
7 Can you smell my special puter scent?? "Com incense"? 
10 A dog hears2, "8,1SPOT! BAD! 2,0 blah blah 8,1come 2,0blah blah, 8,1sit. 8,1Outside 2,0blah blah,8,18,1treat 2,0blah 8,1good dog 2,0!",0 While 10a cat hears 2, " Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah,blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!"
12(The difference between Dogs and Cats)13 A dog thinks, "she feeds me, she walks me, she takes care of my every need..She must be God!" ..12 A cat thinks, "She feeds me,she walks me, she takes care of my every need...I must be God!!!"
4 The Jack LaLane Diet:2 If it is man made , dont eat it.....2& If it tastes good, spit it out :)   
2When I die, I'd like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandmother did...12Not Screaming, like the passengers in her car were. <g>
13 Then there was the nymphomaniac from the South Pacific that was always wanting Samoa... <ewww> 
2If we were meant to be vegetarians, how come animals are all MADE OUT OF MEAT???
10 (Random quote from Pun cinemas)"Thieeg Heil!" from Shindler's Lisp
10  IN ORDER TO GET A BRAND-NEW MONITOR, POUND A LARGE NAIL RIGHT HERE ---> "X"
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12 If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12How about a baseball marriage?  If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, 12he'd be Boog Alou.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If G.  Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G.  Ghali G.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek:  Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.  If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12 If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keido and Edith Tu.
10(From my random "what's in a name?")12 If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B.  Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur. 
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12 If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr.  Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy,  we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Pearl Bailey married Bill Gates, she'd be Pearlie Gates.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Dinah Shore got together with Mel Torme, she'd be Mel's Dinah.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Sally Field married Morris Day, she'd be Sally FieldDay.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Tom Petty's wife divorced him and married Johnny Cash, her new last name would be Petty-Cash.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Anita Baker married Eddie Money, she'd be Anita Money.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Axl Rose's ex-wife married George Bush, her new last name would be Rose-Bush.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12What if Phil Collins had a son named Tom?
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12...Jackson Browne had a son nicknamed Buster?
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
10(From my random "what's in a name?)12If Moon Zappa married Ringo Starr, she'd be Moon Starr.
6If it's called a flight of stairs, why do we have to walk?
6If you tie a piece of buttered bread to a cat's back and drop it from a height, what happens?
10ASCII me no question, i tella you no lies
10California Smog test= can UCLA
0,0 SECRET MESSAGE HERE <----BURN BEFORE READING!
10 Linda saw all the different brands of lightbulbs on aisle 8. 10 She stopped & thought, then decided to choose by process of illumination!
2 I tried to write a drinking song once, but i couldnt get past the first bar!
6 Punsters deserve to be drawn & quoted!
3 Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He Sold his soul to 4 Santa!!
4Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
12We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
12My karma ran over your dogma.
12Know what it takes to please a woman? Who cares!
12Women fake orgasms because men fake foreplay.
12I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
12Beautify Tennessee.  Put a Yankee on the bus.
12I feel more like I do right now than I have all day.
12A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke!
12Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off, or get tangled in the antenna.
12Sorry, Thanks for asking, but I don't date outside my species.
2Don't steal.  The government hates competition.
12No good deed goes unpunished.
2Smile.  It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2If you don't like the way I drive, keep off the damned sidewalk!
12Friends don't let friends drive naked - alone.
2No matter where you go, there you are.
2I think I am going nucking futs.
2Want a taste of religion?  Bite a Nun.
12I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
12I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
12Someone here was apparently kicked out of the gene pool.
12We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
12The early worm gets the bird.
12There is no gravity.   The earth sucks.
12Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
12Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
12Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
12Once I had a handle on life ... then it broke.
12Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
12Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
12Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
12Take revenge.  Live long enough to be a burden to your children.
12"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
12How about a Golden Margarita - 2 oz. Gold Tequila-1 oz. Curacao-3/4 oz. Lime Juice Serve Cold
12Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.
12Behind every silver lining there has to be at least one good dark cloud.
13A compound sentence is like siamese twins- Joined together by the "but."
watermelon watermelon, cadillac car....we ain't as dumb as you THINK WE IS!!!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. )
..just think about...all those poor dern fools here on IRC who are making sensual passionate text-love to each other...thinking they're havin fun!   HMMMMPH!
Song titles:  "I wonder who's kissing her now, and, by the way, what is her 'now'--?"
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. )
He decided to get more assertive---I asked her if it was okay if I washed the dishes AFTER chatting. Later, I got the bleeding stopped and logged on.
( WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... )
Now I know why you call that  a random program, doslass---it sure ran dumb!
0,0 QUIT THAT---THIS MESSAGE IS FOR KBL'CHAARAA, FROM THE XYMPLOM SECTOR---ATTACK STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES!!
 ( Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. )
To circumcise a whale, first, send down fore skin divers...
( 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! )
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY )
bumper sticker:    KILL A BIKER win exciting prizes.
( As I said before, I never repeat myself. )
Don't play stupid with me....I'm better at it! 
( Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? )
( Did ya ever wonder.......Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? )
( Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> )
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! 
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00" )
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites) )
invested in a little plot of land for a spaghetti farm. It's 2" wide, and 14 miles long.
In high school I had to take a foreign language course.  I took Spanish.  -  I figure that if Puerto Ricans can speak it's gotta be easy.
It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket.
I went into Cajun country the other day and was told about the loneliest bayou.  -  It's called Bayou Self.
Definition:    EUROPE  -  What the umpire calls when its your turn at bat.
Definition:    CONSULTANT  -  Someone who gets $100 an hour to tell you the same thing your assistant told you last week.
Definition:    Cauterize  -  Got her attention
Last week I flew on an airline so small you had to have exact change to board the plane.
I had an Identity crisis and an energy crisis.  So I was too tired to find out.
If you shouldn't drink and drive-why do you need a drivers license to buy alcohol.
You're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and all of a sudden you turn on the lights-would that speed you up or slow you down.
I was watching the Dating Game Show on TV the other day and this girl asked Bachelor #3 that if she were a popsicle what would he do?  First I'd unwrap you. (pause) then I'd lay you on the counter. (pause) then I'd break you in half and put half in the freezer for later.
I went to the doctor the other day for a personal problem.   It's fallen and I can't get it up.  (while looking down) He gave me some pills.  They got stuck in my throat and I got a stiff neck.
I was in New York during the winter and it was so cold.  How cold was it you ask?  It was so cold that it was fun watching the smokers pass out because they couldn't figure out when they were through exhaling.
I had to stop drinking and driving.  One time I was so drunk that when the cop pulled me over I thought that I had made it to another club and started dancing to the flashing lights.
I was so poor when we were growing up that my mother cut holes in my pockets so that I would have something to play with.
My dog's birthday was yesterday.  I went and bought him a birthday present.  The weird part is shopping for him 7 times a year.
Did you hear about the midget who walked into the barroom and kissed everyone in the joint.
Did you know that the word engagement has gag in the middle.
I lent $4,000 to a friend of mine to have plastic surgery. Now, I don't know what he looks like to collect.
The Birds & the Bees-the bees make honey and the birds poop on your car.
If I write a book called, How to Fail. and it doesn't sell does that mean that I'm a success.
Celibacy should be heredity.
It doesn't matter what the temperature of a room is it will always be room temperature.
If you shoot a mime do you use a silencer.
If you didn't know me-would you think I was a stranger?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why do ballerina's tiptoe?  Why don't they just hire taller women.
Sponges grow in the ocean.  I wonder how deep the ocean would be if there was no sponges.
I went to the tourist information center and asked them to tell me about some people who were there last year.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I got an answering machine on my car phone.  Message says, Hi, I'm home now, I'll call you when I leave the house.
It's a good thing there's gravity or else when birds die, they'd just stay up there.  Hunters would really be confused.
On this day in 1921 a John Lamanche invented the lie detector. Trouble was no one believed him.  (if no laughs)  Looks like I need the lie detector because that was supposed to be a joke.
I saw an ad that showed this guy saying that he keeps Preparation H at his side.  I hate to tell him but he ain't using it right.
I was filling out a job application the other day and there was this one question that really floored me.  In case of an accident who do they want me to notify.  How about a doctor.
I went to school at 'Our Lady of Cellulite . . .
Did you hear about the new bank that opened up in the CBD. It's owned and run by women.  It's closed a couple of days a month on the count of cramps.
You don't hear about whales beaching themselves anymore. Guess its all of the oil on the coasts-they just slide right back in.
He went to jail for something he didn't do-he didn't run fast enough.
Women in their 30's are thinking about having kids.  Men in their 30's are thinking about dating kids
The penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.
A recent study found out that the first five minutes of life are very critical.  -  Yea, and the last five minutes aren't worth a shit either.
Tic Tac Toe, or, as ignorant people  say, circles and signatures.
I went to a will reading the other day, or as my lawyer called it, the dead give away.
The new Yugo's (or other car) have rear window defrosters so that when you push them you can keep your hands warm.
The trouble about dating women is that they are the only ones who know if you're gonna get lucky.
Did you hear that the governors limo and the driver was arrested for having a little dope in the back.
A recent study found that 50% of the marriages end in divorce while the other half end up in debt.  Hey you could be one of the lucky ones.
I saw a bumper sticker that said,  'Guns don't kill.  Everyone know its the bullets.  The gun helps the bullets go faster though.
A recent study found that we spend 2 % of our lives waiting at traffic lights.  I guess its kinda fitting that when we die that the funeral procession runs the red lights.
A recent study showed that scientists are the leading cause of cancer in rats.
Did you hear that the S&WB layed off half of their employees? It seems that someone actually invented a shovel that stands on it's own.
Graffiti spotted in a singles-bar men's room:  IF YOU CAN'T GIVE UP SEX, GET MARRIED AND TAPER OFF.
A truck over turned that was carrying a truck load of Roget's Thesaurus books and the newspaper's report said that onlookers were stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.
I like going to the men's room at the airport, put a quarter in the shoe buffer and get on my knees.  Whoa !!
WOW! Remember that word because spelled backwards is still WOW.  -  And WOW upside down is MOM which is dad's favorite thing.  I'm sorry that was an easy joke and so was MOM and that's why I'm here.
Being a schizophrenic means never being alone
Definition:    JUGGLER:  -  A schizophrenic person playing catch
One thing they never tell us -- How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Obscenity is whatever gives the judge an erection
Can I have another cup?  I've filled this one up!
Viginity can be cured
If love is blind, Lingerie makes great braille
Good girls go to Heaven, Bad girls get everything else.
Definition:    MONOTONY:  -  Having only one spouse
I never thought much about magic until I found out my sister was getting a hundred dollars a trick!
My parents used to move alot but I'd always find them
I'll never foget losing my first tooth.  I didn't realize my dad could hit that hard!
I must be getting old -- sex gives me motion sickness.
I have such an ego that during sex I shout my own name.
I hate the holidays.  It means being nice to my relatives.
I really like children, In fact I'm on parole for it.
I used to like hunting but after Vietnam it took all of the thrill out of it.
I bought one of those camouflage shirts and put it in my closet.  Now I can't find it.
My wife wanted me to get more culture - so I went out and bought some Yogurt.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.  -  No artist ever interpeted nature as freely as a lawyer interpets the truth.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
I'll never discuss my lawyers character in his absence, so lets discuss his absence of character!
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Famous Arab saying:  A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure, and a goat for sheer ecstasy.
Why are you in HOT WATER if you are skating on THIN ICE?
Why do FAT CHANCE and SLIM CHANCE mean the same thing?
Why isn't PALINDROME spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it called a TV SET when you only get one?
Why does an alarm clock GO OFF when it BEGINS ringing?
Why is it, whether you SIT UP or SIT DOWN, the result is the same?
Why do they call them APARTments when they are all stuck together?
How can someone DRAW a blank?
Why do TUGboats PUSH their barges?
Why is it that when artillery almost hits the target, it's called a NEAR MISS?  Shouldn't it be called a NEAR HIT?
Why are "Q"-tips called that when they are shaped like an "I"?
Love is Blond
Shopping tip- You can get one dollar pairs of shoes at the bowling alley!
(bumper sticker) Sex Appeal: Give generously
Caifornia Highway sign: chains required, whips optional!
Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor if you  can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats and not  a parachute?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is  prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical  situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the  morning?
If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, Why are  there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs really hard does milk come out of its nose?
What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped  it from a height which would hit the ground first?
If you're driving at the speed of light what would happen if  you turned on the headlights?
Why does anyone bother phoning a Psychic Hotline...If they   are really psychic shouldn't they be calling you?
Why are there Braille Dots on the keypad of the drive-thru  ATM?
Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by a car it's  called a shipment and when you transport something by a  ship, it's called cargo?
Why is an Orange orange but a Banana is yellow?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same  substance as the   indestructable black box have in them?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an  address you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do they call them apartments when they are all close  together?
Why do people keep saying it's such a small world...I  wouldn't want to paint it.
Why is it when you buy a parakeet at the pet store you only  get one?
When they ship Styrofoam...what do they pack it in?
Why do they call them Jumbo Shrimps?
Why is chili so hot?
If fish spend their entire lives in schools why are they so  stupid?
Why do they have an expiry date on sour cream?
Why do they call it "Tennis"?  Shouldn't it be "Twonis" or  sometimes "Fournis"?
Why do they call a single T.V. a set?
Why do irons have a permanent press setting?
Why does my AM radio work in the afternoon?
If vegetarians eat only vegetables what do humanitarians  eat?
Why does the word blind have an 'I' in it?
Why do free agent baseball players cost so much?
Do you have to live in a small country to enjoy cross  country skiing?
How young can you be and still die of old age?
If you break a mirror and get get seven years bad luck,  could a good lawyer get you off in five?
Why do wiseguy and wiseman have opposite meanings?
Why isn't room temperature just whatever the temperature of  the room is?
How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't sponges  living in it?
Why isn't the fattest man in the world a hockey goalie?
If GOD dropped acid would he see people?
Why are highways built so close to the ground?
If olive oil is made from olives what is baby oil made from?
If a fire fighter fights fires, what does a freedom fighter  fight?
How come your nose runs and your feet smell?
How come you chop a tree Down and then chop it Up?
What's the synonym for Thesaurus.
What is the speed of dark?
How come a woman can man a workstation but a man can't woman  one?
Why do they call it rebooting the computer when kicking is  not involved?
Why do they call them a backyard when most are more than 3  feet long?
Why does Life Insurance only pay off if you die?
Why do they call them buildings when they are already built?
Why do you pay tolls on a Freeway?
If Men get Hernias, do Women get Hisnias?
Why do Kamikaze Pilots where helmets?
Who puts the "Thin Ice" sign out there?
If you're a Kleptomaniac, is there something you can take  for it?
Why don't Dry Beers make you thirsty after drinking them?
Why don't most people work on Labour Day?
Why does a Rabbit bring Easter Eggs and not a Chicken?
Why is it called tourist season if you can't hunt them?
Why is a rabbit's foot considered good luck when it doesn't  bring much luck to the rabbit?
Why do they call them Hamburgers when they are made of Beef?
Why do Fat Chance and Slim Chance mean the same thing?
Why do they call them a pair of pants when you are really  only wearing one?
Why don't Sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the President's wife the First Lady and not Eve?
Why do women wear one bra but a pair of panties?
How much aging time would they save if they made wine out of  raisins instead of grapes.
Do Cows believe that all Hindus are sacred?
If you fart in a baking soda factory can anyone smell it?
How young can you be and still die of old age?
What do batteries run on?
Do most hockey players prefer Ice Beer?
Why do they make Ballerina dance on their toes?  Why not just hire taller Ballerinas?
Why is a 'W' a 'Double-U' and not a 'Double-V'?
Why does Common Sense seem so rare?
Why do they always call Wednesday 'Hump Day' when most  people get it on the weekend?
Why do they call it a wake when no one ever wakes up?
Why do they call them runways at airports and not flyways?
Why are they called 'Hot Water Heaters'?  Hot water is already hot and doesn't need heating.
California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
Error running WAKEUP.BAT:  COFFEE.INI not found.
When a smurf chokes, what color does it turn???  
Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng            
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Blonde with a leather jacket? Rebel without a clue.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
<----- The information went data way ----->
<A>bort <R>etry <H>oney, get my .45
Definition:    Cauterize  -  Got her attention
<W>indows <I>cons <M>ice <P>ointers ... <S>heesh
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
I modem, but they grew back.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE! 
You know, He'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL? 
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza. 
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> 
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites) 
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? 
He who laughs last thinks slowest! 
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. 
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
WOMEN.ZIP:  A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
When there's a will, I want to be in it. 
"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly 
"Suicide Hotline...please hold." 
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00" 
Bugs come in through open Windows. 
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty. 
As I said before, I never repeat myself. 
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. 
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener. 
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me". 
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray. 
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 
God may have made man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.
Eat shit! A million flies can't be wrong.
Don't play stupid with me....I'm better at it!
Virginity can be cured.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Details, dammit!  I want filthy, disgusting details!
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. 
New Mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N) 
I only play with my computer on days that end in "Y." 
I@love~my$computer,;It's%made in Taiwa~##$ ` #@ 
You're twisted and sick; I like that in a person! 
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt! 
Ithinkmyspacebarstoppedworking. 
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left 
My poor mouse only has one ball. 
The electric chair choice: Regular or Extra Crispy 
I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system. 
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars. 
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. 
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? 
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. 
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for 1000. 
An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills. 
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 
Beware of Geeks bearing gifs. 
Bill Clinton is the Lyin' King. ( Now playing nation wide ) 
Bugs are Sons of Glitches! 
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. 
Enter that again, just a little slower. 
Make a list of things you've already done.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time you spent in the waiting room.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum. 
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left! 
I have a speech impediment... my foot. 
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY 
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.... 
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I. 
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. 
Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever. 
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog. 
It's hard to be serious when you're naked. 
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff. 
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself 
SYNTAX? Why not--they tax everything else! 
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission" 
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation. 
To shoot a mime, do you use a silencer? 
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Sexual harassment directed at the occupants of this channel will not be reported...however it will be graded. 
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, then to open it and remove all doubt.
Don't judge a book by it's movie.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The older I get the better I used to be.
We're lost but we're making good time.
If it isn't broke, I can fix it.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Barium. . . . . . what doctors do when treatment fails.
Talk is cheap... because supply exceeds demand. 
Did ya ever wonder.....After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Did ya ever wonder......How can there be self-help "groups"?
Did ya ever wonder......If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Did ya ever wonder......If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
Did ya ever wonder......If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
Did ya ever wonder.......If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Did ya ever wonder.......Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Did ya ever wonder.......Is there another word for synonym?
Did ya ever wonder.......Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Did ya ever wonder.......Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Did ya ever wonder......When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
Did ya ever wonder.......When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Did ya ever wonder......When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Did ya ever wonder......Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Did ya ever wonder......Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Did ya ever wonder......Why do they report power outages on TV?
Did ya ever wonder.......Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation.
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Castration takes balls.
Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Dime:  a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot.  
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Actual school excuse note: My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Actual school excuse note: Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had ---diahre---  ---dyrea---  ---direathe---  the shits.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Actual school excuse note: Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.
Actual school excuse note: My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Actual school excuse note: Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Actual school excuse note: Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.





 


 



 