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Project Dan's Thoughts... |
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91101
Glaze through
another gate
so we can
sleep better at night
Don't be
Late for business flights
Lines form
Like gilded rows of
Candies
Plucked from suburban
houses
Sealed up for the stores
Captain
The passengers are
Ready
To open your flesh
They've got
New flight plans for us
Crowds of
Suits and skirts float
Upwards
To commercial landscapes
Birds fly
And ants work down below
Let's meet
At the 100th floor
We'll leap down
Our office will follow
When we reach the bottom
This city will finally sleep
On Being Mister Little
Finally the Nice Guy Folds his Hand
For the longest time I've been trying to figure out where it is that I fit in the world. Most of that time is spent in the boring and depressing task of soul searcing. However, once in a while I look to the beautiful people on TV for some answers. It was on a show called "Sex and the City" that I found the answer to all my questions. Wait, that's wrong. I found partial answers to some of my questions. There, much better. Anyway aside from Sarah Jessica Parker, who I'm secretly in love with(oops did I say something), I watch the show for incite into the female mind. Just the other day I picked up the dvd of the entire first season. While looking back on some of the first episodes I came to pay closer attention to Ms. Parker's love interest, Mr. Big. At first I wasn't sure why I was so intent on listening to everything he said. Sure one might think I'm just a closet case but follow me here for a minute. He's powerful, rich, tall, handsome and he has the ability to constantly say the kinds of things that drive women crazy. Now for a long time I thought it was those sweet little nothings whispered into a woman's ear that was the secret to the whole head over heels crazy in love thing. However, after watching Big in action I realized that it was the little surprisingly disinterested comments that he made that caused women to fall for him. First he'd steer them one way. "Oh I started reading your column", or "Hey can I give you a lift somewhere?" and them WHAM he'll have a model show up or maybe he'll simply start to lose interest and then walk away. WOW, I thought. Not only is this guy smooth, sexy and smart, but he's also everything I'm not!
And watch as all the women reading this suddenly lose interest. Seriously though, it hit me like a brick to the head. After having had come off a serious relationship where I had been mostly happy, I had found myself completely alone. While my ex went out on sweet little excurtions with her new and more interesting man, I sat on my duff and watched the tube till I passed out.
I am Mr. Little. Perhaps you've seen me on the street. I am an average looking, twenty-something guy with short, brown hair, medium build, medium height. I walk around in jeans and a t-shirt. I wear an old pair of boots and I have trouble looking women in the eye. I'm hoping that most of these things sound familiar because as from my personal life experience there are an awful lot of me's walking around out there and almost all of them are decidedly single. Most of them, like me, are all wondering why they're so single. It's not like they want to be or something. They try to go on dates or hang out with a coed kinda crowd. They think having a few drinks might loosen them up and THEN maybe they'd get somewhere. Sadly at most what we get is a one night stand with nothing to show for it except another condom in the trash. Most nights we wind up retiring home with nothing more than our hands to keep us occupied and idle hands ARE the devils playground. AHEM... anyway.
The real trouble starts when we see women with guys that we KNOW are assholes. How do we know this? Well because they have women and they are NOT US! Well that's part of the reason anyway. As much as I...err... as much as WE would sometimes like to believe that women only go for assholes and jerks, this is not really the case. In fact that ex I mentioned before is dating a guy who is much nicer than me. Not only that but he's fat, balding and not all that attractive! Now how did this guy steal the love of my life away from me? Is it becuase he's rich? No he's an English major how on EARTH could he be rich? Is he good in the sack? To be honest I don't know and I don't really think I want to know. The conclusion I drew after wasting vast amounts of precious time is that it's exactly because I waste my time thinking about these kinds of things that I am so unsuccesful with women
Let me elaborate. I have spent most of my life busy thinking about the past and judging myself on that. Mostly I think about the women I no longer have and wonder where I went wrong. Then I decide that they are the ones that went wrong and bitch about them alot. This may come as a bit of a shock to those who beleive that these kinds of behaviors are particular only to the female gender. The conclusion I have drawn on this is that every man is secretly the stereotypical woman on the inside: fragile, sensitive and desperately dependant on having companionship. The problem with all of us Mr. Little's is that we think we're supposed to show this side of us to the women we're looking to cohabitate, hang out, or just plain sleep with. Not only is this a bad idea, but it's one of the main reasons for our downfall. We are too willing to fold. We buckle like a belt. Far be it from me to make any real broad generalizations but as close as I can figure there isn't a woman on earth who gets wet over a guy with no backbone.
This is not to say that I have any clue on how to rectify the situation. I can only venture a guess that, instead of concentrating on the past or others who have what we don't, we should be concentrating on the present and what it is that we want. At the very least it might help us move on with our silly existence. Still, even that simple concept will take time to process and assimilate into daily life.
And so we, the Littles of the world, find ourselves weeping about how only assholes can get women and how we deserve better than coffee from diners and mediocre films that remake bad staple 70's television. But that just skims the surface. A shattered male ego is merely the tip of an iceburg that would put Antarctica to shame. The tiny nuances of the Mr. Little social world go far beyond that of complaints concerning the opposite sex. In this typical generation X lifestyle, we have misguided notions about everything from fashion to fucking. The depths of shallowness know no end and so, with any luck, you'll see weekly updates to this little column. Until then, try not to think too hard and maybe you'll get a Little sleep.
On Being Mister Little
Caffeine, Nicotine and the art of Falling too fast
A note to all you Littles: This week instead of my usual philosophies on love, life and super heroes I've decided to let experience speak for itself. This is a story about how I realized that the potential for true love finds you when you least expect it and how every moment counts.
It began on a week much like any other. After a few of the all too typical required courses on a Thursday afternoon I found myself grabbing a coffee-like substance at Jeepers. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a friend who I hadn't seen since last semester. Naturally I made my way over to her to see what was up and such. After a few passing jokes back and forth I noticed a girl sitting next to her. For the sake of anonymity I will refrain from using her name. Sufficed to say that there was something about her that kept me transfixed. It wasn't long before I managed to start to stutter out an attempt at pleasent conversation.
To my surprise she seemed genuinely interested in what I was talking about. Now I don't know about anyone else, but for me this was the first girl who I found that was really interested in talking about video games and the existence of a higher power in the same breath. After a few minutes we excused ourselves and headed off our seperate ways to class. As I sat in class I mused on how nice it would be to see her again. Little did I know what the next week would bring.
It was Monday and I was slowly making my way to my first class when who should I see but my video game girl standing outside Robison having a smoke. We chatted for a while, one thing led to another, and we decided to grab some coffee after I finished class.
I'm not sure what started all of this, but over the course of a few cups of coffee I learned more about her than I learned about anyone in such a short period of time. She had a boyfriend(damn) but since he had entered the service he was never going to be around. Needless to say, she had decided it was time to part ways with him(yes!). Of course there was already another guy(damn again) who she was having feelings for and thought she would be dating soon enough.
Yet somehow that didn't stop my heart from feeling something. I had a hunch that maybe I still had a chance. I learned that she liked English majors(me), English teachers(me again), and musicians(me three times, wahoo). Plus it turned out that we had almost identical class schedules which lent us to think we should grab coffee more often. I had work so we parted ways and promised to hang out again Tuesday.
Sure enough we continued hanging out. Tuesday quickly turned into Wednesday. We started saying things at the same time, we both identified with the same mythical animal, and I was beginning to think that maybe this other guy was being written out of the picture.
It was on Wednesday that I finally admitted how I felt about her. That now made three men in her life who wanted to be with her. Needless to say she was developing a headache about the whole situation. We decided not to continue talking about such things and carried on with coffee and talk on mental screams and explosive diarrhea.
Wednesday turned into Thursday and Thursday turned into Friday. I was now determined to find out how she felt about me. I hinted at it and I mused on how we were perfect for each other. She got nervous and then I kissed her. I don't know what compelled me to do this. I'm not a very forward person but I just couldn't help myself.
It felt good. It felt wonderful. For a brief few moments I finally started feeling things that I forgot I could. Then Friday turned into Saturday. We kept kissing, but something wasn't right. She just didn't seem to give me direct answers whenever I asked her how she felt about me and if she wanted to date. Well by Saturday night I told her that I needed to know what was up in order to have some idea what the next step should be.
Imagine my surprise when she finally told me the truth. She had already decided to date the other guy. I exploded like I never thought I could. I was furious. I felt used. All this magic I was feeling was all at once replaced with emptiness.
On Sunday we didn't see each other. I stared out at the rainy bitter weather and I wept. How in the span of six days did I manage to feel so strongly for someone I never even stood a chance with? I mourned my loss of hope and faith in the search for love. For me it became as if the tunnel had no light at the end when once it had.
Yet after a few hours I recognized what I had been hiding from. Those six days were the happiest I can remember for the longest time. It was a week that felt like a year. Some people can go their entire lives without connecting with someone the way that I had. Despite the outcome, I still felt fortunate.
Then came Monday. There she was in the same spot I saw her just a week ago, cigarette in hand. This time I sat down and lit up next to her. Mutually awkward we tried to carry on a conversation but it hardly went anywhere. We strained a hug and I went off to class. The magic was gone from my life and, most likely, so was she.
If you're wondering what you, the Littles of the world, should take from this I can only tell you this much: Enjoy the magic while it lasts. Have no regrets about what happens. I realize now that there was nothing I could have done differently. It just wasn't meant to happen the way I wanted it to. I still had those six days though. If I could trully put into words how wonderful they were I would. I can merely say that life is just waiting until you find someone who makes you feel the way she made me feel.
And to that girl, I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. As for me, I am satisfied that you found it in your heart to fill my ordinary world with a little joy , even if it was only for a few brief moments. Take care Littles...
