LAUGHTER DOES GOOD LIKE A MEDICINE

PACHYDERM POWDER

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"

THE TEST

Don't look at the bottom of the page, because if you did, the test would be no fun. I promise, there are no tricks to the test. Read this sentence ONCE: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back to count them again.

See...Answer below:

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence.

A person of average intelligence finds three of them.

If you spotted four, you're above average.I f you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.

If you caught six, you are a genius.

There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"s. The human brain Tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?

Pass this on to anyone you feel would enjoy this.

EDUMACATION

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

SUNBATHING

Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up four flights of stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

GENIE

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.  He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

CYCLONE

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and sent them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy  cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

CANNIBALS

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

WAKE UP CALL

Following an especially heated argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning for a special appointment, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said, "Wake me at six." An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

DA BUNNY

A family was on vacation in the forest one summer and accidentally ran over an hare. The father got out and told everyone it was done for. But upon seeing the teary eyes of his two little ones he attempted to resuscitate the animal. With no luck he asked his wife for some spray, any spray in hope of placating his kids. He sprayed it on thickly and briskly when suddenly the bunny jumped up and started waving it's left paw. Then just as quickly it hopped off into the woods still waving it's paw. The whole family looked on with amazement. The wife finally asked, "What was in that can"? The husband replied, "It says hair restorer with permanment wave."

DMV

After spending 5-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the DMV." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

MARRIAGE

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.  Suddenly, a black rolled in and Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

TEACH A MAN TO FISH -- TAKE ONE

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing hole, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish.
(Average cost per fish: \$395.68)

TEACH A MAN TO FISH -- TAKE TWO

Teach a man to fish and you have helped him survive another day.
Teach him to surf the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

GREAT PREDICTIONS BY EXPERTS

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons."
--"Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
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"But what...is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM commenting on the microchip, 1968.
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their  home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us."
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who  would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
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"The concept is interesting and well formed, but in order
to earn better than a `C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to
Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
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Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
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"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his
face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role
in "Gone with the Wind."
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"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make."
-- Response to Debbie Fields' idea of starting her company,
Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way  out."
--Deco Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the
experiment. The literature was full of examples that said
you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique
adhesives or 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
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"So we went to Atari and said, Hey, we've got this amazing
thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you
think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just
want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
And they said, No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got
through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.
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"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between
action and reaction and the need to have something better
than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the
basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work, 1921.
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"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a
fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle
development as an unalterable condition of weight
training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
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"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
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"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut
from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.
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"640k ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

JOY AND PAIN

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

YO QUIERO TACO BELL

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg

THREE-LEGGED DOG

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

CHESS

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 KIDS SAY THE DARNEST THINGSA teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?" And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." Cats In Heaven A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
 T'WAS THE NIGHT B4 Y2K T'was the night before Y2K, and all through the nation We awaited The Bug, the Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced in computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think they were snug in their beds Others had visions of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, and I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack. When over the server, there arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter. But he was away, so I flew like a flash Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash. When what with my wandering eyes should I see? My good old Mac looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers was looking so smug, I knew that it must be the Y2K Bug! His image downloaded in no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, and Pentium too! All processors big, all processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! All the controls that planes need for their flights All microwaves, trains and all traffic lights. As I drew in my breath and was turning around, Out through the modem, he came with a bound. He was covered with fur, and slung on his back Was a sackful of virus, set for attack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry! As midnight approached, though things soon became scary. He had a broad little face and a round little belly, And his sack filled with viruses quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink, All things electronic soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry, Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PCs goodbye!
 Y2K NEWS FLASH!Because of the heightened concern over the Y2K problems and increasing demands on our I.S. (Information system) department, we have determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove ALL COMPUTERS from desktops by December 31, 1999, thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem. Instead, all employees will be issued an Etch-A-Sketch. In anticipation of the changeover, the following is a list of FAQs (frequently asked questions) regarding Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. How do I clear them? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document Window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: DON'T SHAKE IT. Thank you for your support! Regards, Information system department

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!

I WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN

• I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
• Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
• "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
• Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
• Being old referred to anyone over 10.
• The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
• The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
• It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
• It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
• Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
• Nobody was prettier than Mom.
• Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
• It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
• Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
• Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
• Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
• No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
• "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
• The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• War was a card game.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
• Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

POLLY WANTS A CRACKER

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.  The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!  She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  She was incredibly ticked now.  The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would buy the store and kill the bird.  The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

BLESS THIS FOOD

An atheist is swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts wimming towards his boat.  As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of  the great white beast open, revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams,"Oh God!  Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist.  Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

HERE'S TO YOUR HEALTH

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
• I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I don't exercise at all.  If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I don't jog.  It makes my milkshake too mushy.

THAT DARN CAT

Lucky, a famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

FLY BOYS

Airlines One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot, using a white cane, is bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for re-assurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and  as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the  voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

GETTING OLD?

• Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along to.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

FAIRY TALES

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No honey, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HILLBILLY WHEN.......

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"

Quick Wit:

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

THREE AMIGOS

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.  After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"   The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

BIKERS

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

YOU MIGHT BE A BLACK IF. . . . .

1. your neck does the snake when you're in a heated discussion
2. your curfew was ever determined by a street light
3. an extension cord or hot wheel track was your worst enemy

4. your initial credit was established at a rent-a-center or check-o-matic
5. your credit is no longer accepted at rent-a-center or check-o-matic
6. you established your credit with Finger-Hut
7. a horses mane and your hair have the same texture

8. a "track meet" describes an appointment with your hair dresser
9. you wear a suit with sandals
10. everything you eat requires a touch of hot sauce
11. you cried when they took "The Jefferson's" out of syndication
12. you watched "homeboys in outerspace" for more than 5 minutes
13. now/later candy and a dill pickle are/were considered delicacies
14. you ever bought pigs feet/knuckles from the gas station
15. your steering wheel is wrapped with fake fur
16. you carry a cell phone with no service
17. you save the frozen dinner plates
18. you save the aluminum pie plates and reuse them
19. the "cool whip" container is now your cereal bowl
20. there's a big wooden fork and spoon on the wall in your kitchen
21. the screen door has no screen
22. you've never stood in line without cutting
23. you got in for free and still complained
24. you ever had roach clips hanging from the rearview mirror
25. you ever had beaded room dividers hanging in your doorway
26. you ever had curb finders and fog lights on your car
27. you ever wore corn rows or braids for an extended period when they needed to be tightened or redone
28. you ever bought Bergamont or NuNile or Sporting Waves pomade
29. you ever went outside with your jheri curl bag, or hair rollers in your hair with house shoes.
30. you ever used a hot comb or bought a blowout kit
31. if "One nation under a groove" was your national anthem
32. you ever bought tennis shoes at the grocery store

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THEN YOU MIGHT BE A BLACKNECK!

NERVOUS NELLIE?

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles.  He decides to kill some time at an airport bar.  He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him.  The man introduces himself to he nervous guy, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous?  I'm t-terrified.  I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time.  It's m-my job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that"

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot

THREE WISHES

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will grant her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is furious, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie claps three times and grants her wish. She instantly finds herself sitting in a pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger as she comtemplates her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten times that of what she wished for, and points out the beach development with ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman turns purple with rage. She takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... "Id like to give birth to twins".

VISITORS

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock.  If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked."

PC WAYS 2 SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a combo meal.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

All foam, no beer.

The butter has slipped off his pancake.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Not wired to code.

Skylight leaks a little.

Her slinky's kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Is so dense, light bends around her.

If brains came with a receipt,, he'd get a rebate.

Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

BARGAINS GALLORE

Mr K. confided in his friend Artie about his suspicions that his wife is unfaithful to him. Artie, sensing his friends pain, volunteered to solved the mystery for Mr. K.

Mr. K offered to pay him for his time but Artie would only take a dollar for good luck.

The next day he followed Mrs. K to the food market. Upon her exit from the market he saw her being freindly to the bagboy and immediately became enraged. He rushed from his car and began choking Mrs. K to avenge his freind. The bag-boy intervened and tried to halt the altercation, at which point Artie turned on him. The store manager, upon seeing the melee, ran outside to aid the bag-boy. He was immediately attacked and choked.

Finally the police arrived and hauled the livid but loyal freind of Mr. K off to jail. The next day the headlines read, "Artie chokes 3 for a dollar at the local market".

Three couples attending the First Congregational Church decided to join after the Pastor preached a rousing sermon one Sunday morning. At their conseling session the Pastor told them to prepare for baptism the following Sunday and to remain sexually pure until after the baptism.

That Sunday morning the pastor asked them if they had followed his instructions. The first and second couple answered in the affirmative. But the third couple, still newlyweds, lowered their heads in shame. "What happened?" asked the minister. "We'll, Friday she was getting paint off the shelf for the living room. She looked so desireable that I lost control and we did it right there on the floor". Said the husband.

"We'll young man I'm shocked", said the offended cleryman. "Yea?" snorted the young man, "we'll your're not half as shocked as the people at that hardware store".

RUNNING LATE
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."

OH MY DARLING . . .

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am
to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

YOU KNOW YOUR IN TROUBLE WHEN . . . . . .
... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

... Your suggestion box starts ticking.

... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

AN ARTIST
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

TITANIC
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.  It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

FIH AND CHIPS
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her elegant castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the beautiful princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

DR. SUESS EXPLAIN WHY COMPUTERS CRASH
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last  resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to  report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a  dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in  the trash,
And your data is corrupted because the index  doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's  gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your  house,
Says the network is connected to the button on  your mouse,
But your packet wants to tunnel onto another  protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down  the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side  effect of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a  souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a  bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the program's gonna  hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on  the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary  risk,
Then you'll have to flash your memory, and  you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to  cry "mom"!

YOU KNOW YOUR OVER THE HILL IF . . . . .

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. All of your favorite TV shows are now revised in color.
3. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
4. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
5. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
6. You look both ways before crossing a room.
7. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
8. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
9. Your favorite action movie is: "Attack of the Blue haired, Rum bon bon eating, condo commandos"