Yesterday I was eating in a restaurant when I noticed at the bottom of the menu it said, “Not responsible for well done food.” It took me a minute to let the sheer stupidity of this little sentence sink in, but once it sunk, it was like a bowling ball salesman in a Mongolian swamp. I decided the restaurant either meant this in two ways. A) They’re assholes who take responsibility for all of the SHITTY food I was eating, or B) they take responsibility for any meat that is cooked aside from “well done.” Since I decided that no restaurant would put “well done” in the sense of cooked meat, I figured it was that they’re so fucking arrogant that if you try and thank them for a meal, they’ll pull down their pants and shit all over your face because you’re below them. As a result, no tip was given. If these son of a bitches want to fucking yelp about how god damn great their food is, and they’re not responsible because they’re elitist ritzy bastards, then I won’t hold them responsible, and assume anything I enjoyed at the establishment was clearly my doing and there was no way I was going to give THEM any of the responsibility. Yeah, fuck that. But as I stabbed my waiter in the jugular vein with a fork I had heated by holding it over my table candle therefore turning his throat into a blazing inferno, I though to myself, “Now that I’m pissed off, what really pisses me off?” And, I found the answer: there are several reasons why the world sucks. That’s right, the whole fucking world is a piece of shit. There are practically limitless reasons why the world sucks, but the roots of the problem are very clear, and I have outlined them here.
Saturday Night Live: This show fucking blows ass. It used to be actually funny, so it’s a sad story that the show sucks so much now. If it weren’t for John Belushi’s pirate ghost, I’d hit New York with a plane so fucking big, ain’t none of them bitches comin’ out alive. Ever since they fired Norm MacDonald, who did Weekend Update (also known as “the only redeemable part of this shit-fest”), the show started losing it. Don’t get me wrong, SNL sucked Gigantor the Cock since every cast but the original, but Celebrity Jeopardy and Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald were enough reason for me to plop my ass down for an hour in hopes of seeing it. Once those things were gone, it’s shit. Not to say Will Ferrell was funny, he’s a fucking idiot. He just bitched a lot in the same stupid voice and smiled like a dumbass. Now the show is nothing but Jimmy Fallon walking around with a dumbass smile on his face with that fat guy shouting. So SNL’s great strategy is to, drum roll, add a fat guy, for they are funny, and their last one fucking killed himself with drugs and pizza. This is without even including the musical guests, who take up about twenty minutes of the forty minutes of the sixty-minute show minus commercials. But of course, that leads me into my next topic.
Live Music: Live music fucking blows. People have this half-assed idea that since you’re listening to the actual artist in person, it’s better for some reason. Fuck you buddy. Live music sucks. There’s a reason that musicians go through a recording studio and take a hundred takes of each song to get it just right. It’s so the album constantly sounds good, whereas live the singers run out of breath from doing a whole bunch of stupid shit on the stage, like jumping into mosh pits. It’s just them singing with their shitty voices while accompanied by their shitty instruments because the whole fucking band is busy “feeling the music” or whatever. What would all movies be like if they did them live? They’d be plays, that’s what. And plays suck. Plays are fucking stupid. It’s people pretending to be other people while doing some kind of shitty plot that comes out of a bad novel. I’ve never seen a good play in my entire life. If I want a fucking murder mystery, I’ll start killing people and leaving dumbass clues all over the place that are fucking obvious. Speaking of clues, it’s time for another problem with the world.
Sherlock Holmes: The world’s biggest fucking asshole. Anyone who walks around, makes vague observations that they pull out of their ass, calls some random Joe a culprit, and calls it a day while playing the violin is an asshole. The biggest mistake I’ve made in my entire life was read Sherlock Holmes. It was about a bank robbery. After his official bitch Watson clued him in, he walked up to some guys house, talked to the owner, and made the assumption that he was robbing the bank by coming up through the floor by tunnel because his pants had some dirt on them. Bullshit. Sherlock Holmes needs to stop smoking his pipe and throw himself off a fucking bridge. To top it off, he lives in Britain and is British. Which is part of Europe.
Europe: This is the shittiest continent ever. America plays baseball, Asia exploits children workers, convicts run Australia, South America is a drug hole, and Antarctica is a giant fucking ice cube, but at least none of them have Europe. People keep saying how beautiful Europe is. Europe is fucking ugly. It’s filled with hills and drunk teenagers. And to top it off, Europe has France. France is the worst place in the entire world. It’s filled with people who talk funny and wear dumbass hats. At least the British don’t wear dumbass hats. We should make France it’s own continent so we can declare war on it and blast it into outer space. And not the good part of outer space where the moon, Saturn, and Mars hang out, the space rejects, like Neptune and Mercury. No one fucking knows anything about Neptune and Mercury, and that’s why we should develop space age technology to blow them the fuck out of the Universe. If we could do it in old shitty movies, why the fuck can’t we do it now?
Old Movies: I fucking hate any movie made before the 70’s. I hate almost every single movie ever aside from awesome movies like Axe ‘Em, Army of Darkness, Shaolin Soccer, and Memento. The rest of movies are dog shit. I know people who like Alfred Hitchcock movies and “classic” horror movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Unless you’re an idiot and haven’t read my TCM review, you’re aware this movie sucks cock at all angles, including 90 degrees, the one and only Right angle. And Alfred Hitchcock movies suck. Psycho is fucking boring, the Birds is just fucking retarded no matter how you look at it, and Dial “M” for Murder doesn’t make any sense. I once dialed “M.” I wasn’t murdered; I was just redirected to some guy who called me an asshole for dialing “M” for operator instead of zero. And rightly so. I Kamehameha-ed his brains out through the phone anyway just for talking to me like that, but the point is, old movies fucking blow goats. Not to say new things are any better.
Final Fantasy 7: “Now wait a minute,” you might be saying, “I may be a big enough dumbass to say Final Fantasy 3 was better than 7 on the argument of ‘being wooed by better graphics’ despite the fact everyone’s’ hands in FF7 looked like horse hooves and the game looks dumbass in any graphics aside from the ones that it was made in, and FF3’s game play system was fucking easy and you could kill the last boss in two rounds, but I know FF7 is a great game!” Actually, FF7 was a terrible fucking idea. Since the game was so damn good, everyone at Square decided they could get away with making Disney games and calling them RPG’s with dumbass titles like “Kingdom Hearts,” despite that they never fucking explain what or where Kingdom Hearts is. For those of you who haven’t played the game, there’s just some stupid door at the end that’s white and you see Mickey Mouse. It’s stupid. For those of you who have played the game and like it, go fuck a dildo duck. I’ve been playing FF Tactics Advance, and it’s cool, but all the characters are choads. The main character is a goddamn china doll and his best bud Montblanc is a fucking “Moogle.” And by Moogle, I mean green rabbit with an orange tied to his head. It’s fucking lame ass. And by kind of like a moogle moves on to…
Analogies: What the fuck is up with analogies? Who the fuck cares? If you can’t understand something without linking it to a another example you do understand, you shouldn’t be trying to learn other things. You have a one track mind, and should be thrown off the freeway while I’m speeding at 90 miles an hour. The real grievance here is the poor bastards who have to take the SAT and the ACT and have to deal with all that analogy shit. News flash: KNOWING ABOUT ANALOGIES DOESN’T MAKE YOU SMART, IT JUST MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE . A famous analogy test is called the MAT, or Miller Analogy Test. My time was wasted in epic proportions because I had to take this to satisfy my dumbass English teacher’s ego. Bitch. Anyway, here’s an example of the analogies on these:
V : ( a. L, b. C, c. M, d. D) :: I : X
You can figure it out if you REALLY want to, but the fact remains that Miller is an asshole for writing such a stupid test. Knowing how to answer analogies doesn’t mean shit. Oh, you’ve got a vocabulary! You’re unequivocal comprehension of the English dialect shows it very perceptible what an unapprised bamboozled fool I really am. Take that. Despite the fact my vocabulary is probably larger than yours anyway, I have used the power of Microsoft Word synonym finder to totally kick your ass. And here’s something you can understand in plain English; Fuck you.
English Teachers: Look, I hate Europe, and England with it, so why do I want to learn about this jackshit language they speak in? The answer is I don’t, so stop making people take English. I have never learned ANYTHING in any English class I’ve ever taken, aside from the fact all English teacher’s are morons and really, really arrogant. They like to dance around singing, “Oh, glee is I, for I bring into thy ignorant mind the travels of analogies, grammar, and literature!” Analogies suck, grammar is fucking stupid, and literature blows. Who wants to speak correctly? No one, that’s who. Who gives the fuck about prepositional phrases? If Jesus loved grammar so much, he would’ve made it a commandment when he was parting the Red Sea and fighting off Napoleon invasion of Africa. And literature wouldn’t be so bad if those bastards didn’t make kids read old literature. Things get better with age, okay? Which is a better vehicle, Henry Ford’s first automobile or any other car made since then? Which is a better aviation device, those dumbass bikes with wings on it you always see assholes riding in old movies or any flying device built since the Wright Brothers? I rest my case. I don’t want to read A Tale of Two Cities when I could be reading shit like Timeline. Dickens is a shit-poor writer. Did you know he got paid for each written word? That just proves he didn’t want anything out of life but money, the greedy bastard. He’s not trying to make those stupid points you think exist, you assholes. Timeline kicks ass. They fight with swords, and blow up a big mill on a river. Then this guy spits on this other guy, and he fucking explodes. Boss. That’s why I’m going to be really pissed off when that new movie comes out, because they’ll probably tone it down for the children. God I hate kids. I hate them almost as much as I hate Andy Warhol.
Children: KILL THEM ALL
Andy Warhol: Everybody can’t wait at modern art conventions until the time when they worship Andy Warhol and pass around a hat to beat off into saying how Andy Warhol was a GENIUS. Way to go, you conforming communists. Andy Warhol fucking blows more assholes than Ronald MacDonald at a balloon convention. In case you aren’t aware of how shitty Andy Warhol’s “art” is, I’ve provide three hard-hitting examples that will convince you he sucks.
Wow. Mickey Mouse. You drew Mickey Mouse. You know, Walt Disney drew Mickey Mouse, and his animator slaves drew him about 50,000,000 times. If you piled up all the Mickey Mouse frames used for animating his stupid cartoons, like Steamboat Willy, and you pushed it over, the seismic force would rocket Andy Warhol’s body out the ground and into the sun, so I could at least rest happy that he’s disintegrated. Basically, Warhol is a cad. An outright motherfucker who just rips off other people’s works and goes around humping dead bodies screaming, “MODERN ART! MODERN ART!” No, Picasso is what I’d consider modern art, jackass. He was insane and kind of an asshole, but at least he didn’t rip off other people’s cartoons and parade about dancing the fanciful prance of fairies.
Jesus Christ. How could you take someone who kicks so much fucking ass, invented guerrilla tactics, and make them the world’s most gayest homosexual in the entire Universe. You mother fucker. YOU RUINED CHE GUEVARA. Other than that, I’m completely speechless. The grooves in my brain became a pasty, mushy conglomeration of tissue when I saw this, before forming back into my superior and grossly pissed off brain. Once again, Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, this is where I draw the line. You can rip someone else’s other actual “art” off, you can make people who are fucking awesome totally gay ass, but by no means can you take a can of soup and market it as art. HE DIDN’T EVEN COLOR IT DIFFERENTLY. It’s a fucking Campbell’s soup can! I look at it whenever I want to eat some chicken noodle soup! No one is giving the head of Campbell’s Soup big, flaming blowjobs because of designing that can, but people think Andy Warhol is the next Heraldo Jones because he copies a soup can. This is where I start to get pissed off, because if you talk to art people, they just say, “Its so brilliant because it’s so simple.” No, it’s a FUCKING SOUP CAN YOU MORONS. It’s not genius. You know what was genius? The theory of relativity. Not soup. NOT FUCKING SOUP. All Andy Warhol did was post new art and blast about how he was the shit. He embodies the spirit of modern art, and you know what, it proves modern art utterly, utterly sucks. Modern art is Latin for, “Third graders can now create great pieces of art.” Yeah, bullshit. I went toe Guggenheim in New York. You know what I saw? A bucket of nails. A FUCKING BUCKET OF NAILS. ARRRGGGHHH!!! What the fuck! I hate you Andy Warhol! I wish you were alive so I could kill you in the most painful ways thought of by the most devious of men! BURN IN HELL YOU SHIT STACK. He probably just sat around, smoked pot all day, and jacked off thinking about how great he was because he was a vegetarian or something, the shit shank. I have to get on with this, but I HATE ANDY WARHOL.
Vegetarians: This is my last subject, I will complete my entire thought in two sentences. One, vegetarians claim that eating only vegetables is only natural and therefore better, despite the fact science proves that humans are omnivores and function best with meat and vegetable digestion. Two, they claim all natural things are good for your body, when cocaine, tobacco, and poison dart frogs are also natural. I rest my case.
Kill Bill: This movie…oh wait. This movie kicks fucking ass. Go see it right now, right after you’re done reading this great article. Tits and wankers, roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins