The other day I went to lunch. As my friends and I drove down the long stretch of fast food chains I wondered what I felt like. Was I in the mood to be a cowboy at Arby’s? Be a clown at McDonalds? Be a king at Burger King? Be a fag at Dairy Queen? Technically, I didn’t see Burger King and Dairy Queen near each other, since in the shit shank town I live in, Burger King is about Seven Years in Tibet away from Dairy Queen.
And then I got thinking, due to the coincidence of the distance, Seven Years in Tibet is one of the worst movies I’ve seen. Some people might think, “I like Brad Pitt!” Good for you, but not in this movie you don’t. While some movies, like Hard Target starring Jean Claude Van Dame, aren’t exactly like the title, like about Jean trying to hit a target that’s really hard to hit (like an atom stapled to a frog’s eye that is hot glued onto a rabbit), Seven Years in Tibet is the title. The movie is literally seven years long, and yes, he spends every second in Tibet. Allow me to make a picture representation for Seven Years in Tibet.
That’s the entire movie. Except in-between put images of Brad Pitt sitting with the monks eating and praying. That’s how much this movie sucks. In all honesty, although I’ve never seen all of Seven Years in Tibet, I have wholly decided this is all it possibly can be. I actually just watched like 3 years of it instead of 7. So, I’ve decided that I’d make a much better director and have made a new version.
I feel this is a step in the right direction, because of the symbolism of this scene. That of course being, I hate British people. Some may be aghast at this, which of course means you are either A) British or B) Stupid. “But wait, Willbob! What about Stupid British people?” Oh, Little Johnny, that’s being redundant! “Whats redundant mean?” It means we get to play your favorite game, abandoned well diving. That takes care of that, man I hate kids. Seriously, though, if you know a British person, put me out of my misery and theirs: kill them in the most sick and twisted way possible. By the way, if you are British and are reading this, I AM FROM FRANCE! I DARE YOU TO COME AND BOMB ME! Well, on to the next scene.
As you can plainly seen, I have integrated Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, because that movie, unlike Seven Years in Tibet, kicks ass. Like the part where he’s stealing the boat, and all of the lame navy guys jump on it, and then Jack cuts the ropes and fucking abandons them on the ship while he sails out to sea with Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Whatever, that was the worst part of the movie. If you’re not playing an elf that slides down stairs while arrowing people (yes, that is a verb) I don’t want to see you. As you can see, Robo-Depp, as I like to call him, is equipped with a 1337-standard issue blade arm that is made of Invincium (like titanium, except invincible) and with the chain gun from Unreal Tournament. Let’s face it; he’d kick everyone and anyone’s ass.
I really like this next scene, because Brad Pitt is being such a chump and no one likes him at all. He’s all excited, even though he only killed that guy who was from the Smashing Pumpkins. I think. But Johnny Depp or Cap’n Sparrow is all cool and says “27 steps ahead of you...(because he killed 27 monks.)" Notice he uses an ellipsis because really badass cool guys use ellipses because they always trail off to insult you. But, because I’m such a great writer and director, I thought of a great plot twist that no one will see coming but will make my movie remembered for centuries.
Like every great movie ever, aliens invade. Now let’s see, we have the best parts of plot so far: Aliens, pirates, weapons instead of arms, shotty’s, monks die, Orlando Bloom isn’t Legolas and is therefore killed, and British people getting murdered. How could this movie get any better? I know, I know, you think it can’t possibly get any better and if you keep watching your balls or what women have instead of balls will explode. Well, that’s because you lack vision, and I will end this great movie in the most fabulous way possible. Enjoy.
You see? How could it possibly get better than that? THAT is impossible to top. They kill the enemies, and just when you think its all over-BOOM. Brad Pitt is impaled by his OWN ARM because Johnny Depp says he “talks too much.” Note: Johnny Depp uses an ellipsis, because that is so awesome. In conclusion: What can I draw from this movie? It’s terrible, until I am the director. I have the amazing ability to make anything good everywhere. Period.
Except British people.
E-mail comments, questions, that sort of malarkey to roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins