The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I was sitting around with my fellow chaps last night and said, “What ho, mates. What of a rambly bruxbrook of mischievous activists I daresay we shall be up and aroused to a fulfilling on this fine summer eve?” My friends, and rightly so, shottied (yes, that is a verb) me in the face for acting like a British-bucktoothed-asshole. After a quick shotty to the face (all of my friends carry shottys with them, because I only roll with the most badass group since anal herpes. And yes, they’re all sawed-offs), we decided to do something that night because Counter-Strike is only so fun, and for me it’s even less of a measure of “so-fun” because I suck at what recent reports call “big bango gorilla balls.” So we decided, after a quick trip to the fabulous Northway “I Close At Six on the Weekends Because Boy-Howdy I’m a Shitty” Mall, a round of food from Arby’s, and reminiscing sweet stories of the sixth grade in the Walmart’s parking lot, we were off to the movie store to find something that would be remotely entertaining.

One of my friends came up with the idea of renting the infamous “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” As I recalled, Entertainment Weekly rated the Texas Chainsaw Massacre the second scariest movie of all time. I have read several articles, but basically the word on the street is that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a scary movie. We rented it, and I was, of course, not expecting what the hype made it up to be. I did, however, expect a decent movie. I blame myself for not picking up that this movie must suck ass, because Entertainment Weekly liked it, and Entertainment Weekly is the shallowest magazine besides Timesweek. I mean Newstime. What’s that? Yes, they are the same magazine, so you can just go fuck yourself. The difference is that Newsweek has a funny comics page and Time has that stupid Winners and Losers list that doesn’t make sense. But on to the shitty movie, coupled with an excellent review.

The movie starts out with a stupid text telling us that what happened is based on true events, which I found out means “we kind of based it off a sicko named Ed Gein. Oh, and the script is completely made up with characters we made up. Ed Gein was fucked up, but he wasn’t a huge retarded guy with a chainsaw.” Yeah, that’s what BASED on a true story means. Also that this is “one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history,” and mentions that victims died young and were innocent. The first scene is someone taking pictures of mangled pieces of flesh. The next scene is a dead body sitting on top of a grave, but it doesn’t have a face. There is also a police radio saying that most of the body was in tact, but pieces were missing. Like the face. Not any other parts. Face (singular) qualifies as pieces (plural).

The next scene is a bunch of people who look like the Scooby Doo gang standing by a van that looks like the Mystery Machine on a long mysterious dirt road setting out in the early morning, which I presume is in Texas. Because it’s based on a true story, and Ed Gein lived in Wisconsin, but I bet it’s still in Texas. Why? Because this movie sucks, that’s why. Gee, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, people from Wisconsin sure are fucked up. Yes, I live in Wisconsin, but I was born in Iowa, you fucked up psychos. My first clue that these guys weren’t actually real people and were poorly created characters is that they were the Scooby Doo gang, except instead of a stupid cowardly dog; they have a really annoying guy in a wheelchair with bad hair who’s also like 40. The suave good-looking guy (or Fred) with the hot girlfriend (or Daphne) gives Scooby (guy in the wheelchair) a tin can to take a piss in. What a great friends. I forgive them though, since I hate the guy in the wheelchair more than anything ever in the universe. I hate him about as much as a British version of John Mayer. In fact, that’s exactly how much I hate him. Anyway, a semi-truck drives by, and because it’s loud or blows dust or something, causes the guy in the wheelchair to roll down the hill he’s by and fall over. Ha! Take that, fucker. This has no relevance ever in the entire film, except that truck comes back a lot. It also has the only good character in this whole movie in it. Anyway, yeah, Scooby gets hurt, but that’s about it.

Next scene they are driving along, but they’re different from Scooby Doo because the odd guy with weird hair (or Shaggy) is driving, and Shaggy never drives. Also the only smart person in the whole fucking group of them (or Velma) is hot. Anyway, they talk about how cows are slaughtered with sledgehammers and its sick. They’re also driving by a cow slaughtering plant, and because seventies cinematography is so great they show a cow’s face for like five seconds. It’s like the cow is in the fucking van or something because it’s so close, but no, it’s far, far away. And while we’re on the subject, killing cows doesn’t matter how you do it, no matter how inhumane. They still get eaten so just shut the hell up. When I kill you, I’ll do it humanely.

Okay, they pick up a crazy hitchhiker. He’s got blood all over him, and starts hitting the van when they slow down. Yeah, let’s pick him up. Basically, he says that killing cows is best with the sledgehammer, and he shows them some pictures of dead “cows.” I put that in quotes, because it’s obviously human bodies. I know this because he was taking pictures of the bodies at the beginning, so I guess it’s supposed to be dramatic irony or something, but it’s more like everyone in the van is fucking moron, especially Scooby, because he claims he worked in a slaughter mill, yet doesn’t recognize that these aren’t fucking cow body parts. Way to go, Scooby, way to go. Then the guy cuts his hand open with Scooby’s knife, but this isn’t enough for them to kick the guy out of the van. Then he takes a picture of them and asks for two bucks. They refuse. If I was traveling with this pack of losers, and a guy with us in a car who just cut his hand wide-fucking-open and was covered in blood just asked for two dollars, I’d give it to him. Then he asks them to give him a ride to his house and they can join him and his FAMILY for...dinner, bwahahahaha! Eating people! They refuse again, despite that they picked him up for the sole purpose of taking him to his destination. He then blows up the picture in a thing of tinfoil...somehow. He takes out his knife (why did he use Scooby’s to cut his hand? It doesn’t matter) and cuts Scooby’s arm, then he jumps out of the car and smears blood on the side of it. Good thing they’ll never meet him or any of his family that his mentions ever again.

Then they’re at a cemetery for some reason. I think it’s the one where faceless guy was found. There’s a bunch of people guarding it, and they let them in anyway because they’re shitty guards. Then some crazy old man goes on and on about absolutely nothing but Scooby thinks that it’s foreboding and evil. That’s because Scooby is a complete fucking moron. He’s not afraid of guys who cut their hands open and has pictures of dead human bodies and laughs for no reason when he says “cows,” but this old drunk guy freaks him out. Let me summarize the movie for you up to this point in paint form:

Yeah, I did waste my finger’s energy typing all of that. God damn it. Oh well, next part. They arrive at a gas station. An ordinary gas station that everyone walks around in and finds nothing wrong about. Remember that, it will come up later. Anyway, the creepy guy who runs the gas station tells them that it’s not safe around here and that they should just stick around and have some dinner. Weehaw, what’s with everyone and dinner? I don’t know. Must be a cannibals-incodince. Anyway, the guy says that people don’t like it when strangers go poking around in their houses. Okay, if that’s not a “stay the fuck away from my house” comment, I don’t know how to say it while being discreet. Scooby says it’s okay because they’re visiting his grandpa’s old house. Whatever. Then the big red semi-truck, with the only cool character in the movie, drive by, probably just for the director to show that this guy drives his big semi everywhere during the day for no reason.

They decide to run around Scooby’s grandpa’s old house. I’d like to mention at this point that Scooby has come here as a child and done things like go down to the “swimmin’ hole,” even though he can’t walk, and therefore shouldn’t be able to swim. But what’s really important is that he has been here many times. Remember that. Okay, this is the worst part in the movie. Scooby gets really pissed off for no reason, and starts spitting and bitching like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s the most annoying thing in any movie ever. I actually had to punch my temples while screaming “shut the fuck up you goddamn cripple” to stop from going completely insane. Sorry. I had to go beat the living shit out of an old lady to get all of my anger out for thinking about that scene. Anyway, he sees a dead vulture or something, and then sees a vertebrae hanging from the ceiling for some reason. This causes him to panic like all holy hell. I don’t really know why. I really hoped something would come along and kill him at this point, but it didn’t. Then Fred and Daphne ask how to get to the “swimmin’ hole.” Scooby gives one vague answer, and they’re off like they’ve been here before.

Apparently “swimmin’ hole” means “let’s go find the nearest house and go inside.” They don’t go near anything or any location that looks like there’s a “swimmin’ hole” in the nearest 28 light-years. They see desert. Lots of fucking desert and some trees and bushes that are barely alive due to lack of water from lack of “swimmin’ hole.” Anyway, they hear some kid of motor going off, and they go check it out. They then go up to this big freaky looking white house. Daphne takes off her sweater, and sits on the porch. Fred keeps knocking, because he’s an asshole who figures that if he keeps knocking, something will happen. Then he sees something you don’t see everyday; a human tooth. He jokingly tosses it to Daphne, who freaks out because she’s moderately sane, unlike Fred. She runs off into the distance. Fred then calls out to her because he wants her to follow him inside because he can see a big room full of animal (and human) skulls tacked to the wall, which is covered in blood, and he can hear some kind of grunting and growling. Well, he goes into the house and heads straight for the animal room. Then he’s on the floor. I actually wasn’t even remotely scared at this point because it took my brain a little bit to process that some guy with a shitty mask on had just nailed Fred in the face with a meat tenderizer. You can actually see this happen if you can make it to the sun in less than 8 minutes. Then he finishes the job by giving him a good thwack. Then he slams a big steel door shut. Let’s review now:

Daphne decides Fred has been gone to long and turns around to look for him in the house. She is now about thirty feet from the house, where she seems to have made herself comfortable. Yeah, fuck running out of my field of vision, that never happened. Whatever. Anyway, she enters the house (without permission) and walks around the house yelling for Fred. She also doesn’t notice that the big steel door that wasn’t closed before now is. I wouldn’t point this our if it weren’t for the fact the door is so fucking humungous that if the Chinese built that instead of the Great Wall of China, the Huns would’ve been screwed and been forced to return to Hunland or wherever Huns are from. She walks into a room with feathers all over the floor, and falls over because she’s Daphne and Daphne is always screwing up and falling over. She looks up, and to her horror, discovers that all of the furniture in the room if made of HUMAN BONES!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaahh!! Aaaah! Ah. The reason that the terrified screams are getting shorter and less freaked out is that the director thought it would be a great idea to show this shit over and over again. No, I don’t understand that the furniture is made of bones yet. Oh wait; yes I do you stupid motherfuckers, but do continue to jackhammer it into my skull.

Five minutes later she gets up, screams, looks around a little more, screams, and runs out of the room. Because she’s been yelling and screaming her fucking head off, the evil meat tenderizer man (or “Leatherface,” as he is so called because he wears a mask made out of face) comes out of his Steel Door Room and grabs her, and does something that is actually very disturbing. He puts her up on a meat hook, and holy fuck, that would hurt and be a horrible, awful way to die. But I shortly forgot this when I noticed Leatherface’s mask made of human face looks more like he was eating a watermelon and got stuck. Then he dried out the watermelon and put a badger skin on it because he wanted hair. Then she watches (or just kind of dangles there screaming) as Watermelon Face cuts up Fred’s dead body with a chainsaw. Then he turns and finishes her off. Let’s review:

Several hours later, Shaggy decides they’ve been gone too long, and decides to go find them before it gets dark. He decides to go alone. He finds the house (probably after checking the swimmin’ hole and deciding that they’re lying snatch-brained jerks who decided to go fuck in an abandoned house), and knocks on the door. He does it a little more than reasonable, but that’s because he’s worried, so I’ll let it go. I didn’t really want Shaggy to die, since he wasn’t an asshole. Then he notices Daphne’s sweater, and decides to grow some balls and barges the fuck in. Rude son-of-a-bitch. Honestly, if I found someone decided to walk around in my house, I’d jam ‘em up on a meat hook, too. He goes straight into Steel Door Room, and notices a freezer on the side is moving. He whips it open, and what do you know, it’s Daphne! She comes to life pretty much and jiggles around a bit. Watermelon Face shows up and hammers Shaggy in the face, which causes him to fall over. Watermelon Face snaps the freezer shut and then gets freaked out. He starts looking frantically for Shaggy’s body, which has seemingly disappeared. He then sits down on some Bone-iture and thinks long and hard. I noticed he has ugly-ass teeth, which means he is not only a crazy-retard hick, but also British. I’d make a death bio for Shaggy, but he just kind of disappears, and I really couldn’t figure out where he went. He doesn’t run away and get help, he just hits the floor and teleports away. I just assumed he was actually Nightcrawler from X-Men, and got the fuck out of there.

It is now night, and Scooby and Velma are wondering where their buddies are. They decide, after Scooby honks the horn 53,489 fucking times all while screaming like a little bitch, to go find them because the keys to the Mystery Machine are gone. Uh-oh. Oh yeah, just to make sure you hate Scooby more, I’d like to point out in all of his adventures at his grandfather’s house as a youngin’, he never ONCE heard of the crazy fucking retarded guy next door who wore peoples skin for fun and killed people. Oh well, on with the adventure. I just thought I’d point that out. They go off into the pitch black, and are just talking normally when Watermelon Face bursts out of fucking nowhere. This is the only startling part of the whole movie. It just fucking happens and makes you jump. But this is also a horror film, and this is the ONLY time it happens. Movies always have that sort of shit happen at least once. Like a dog barks or someone is walking and gets grabbed out of nowhere. It also happens out of silence, despite that he has a fucking chainsaw. I guess he had it silenced. I forgot all of that though, because Scooby gets chainsawed (yeah, it’s a verb) about four fucking times across the chest. It’s awesome. I love this point of the movie. This is one of the only two good parts. The other is in awhile, so sit back and watch the awful movie. Let’s review:

Let me summarize what’s happened so far in the movie from my last paint picture:

Yep, that pretty accurately sums it up. So now it’s Velma all alone with the Watermelon Face in the woods. Now, do you like the setup the movie now has laid out for you? Well, if you don’t, too bad, cause this is about all that happens for the next twenty fucking minutes. Want to know how this chase sequence goes? Well, pick up a spiky branch, and find a cul-de-sac. You know, a street that ends in a big circle so when you go down it you can just turn around real easy. Run around the cul-de-sac hitting yourself in the face with the branch for, hm, I’d say ten minutes. Then run into your house and look at a picture of a really old person. Then jump out a window and do the cul-de-sac thing again. Then walk back into the house and pretend it’s a gas station. Then watch the rest of the movie. Or go do something more worth your time like playing “Crush the Gerbil” with your ass. So for the morons; bitch runs, goes back to house, finds really old guy, cornered by Watermelon Face, jumps out window, runs to the gas station from earlier and is safe. Yeah, except that’s twenty fucking minutes long. Don’t forget to couple this with some shitty acting, like how you can see Watermelon Face deliberately slowing down when he gets too close to Velma.

The owner of the gas station comforts her and tells her to “wait here.” Now she’s all alone, and she looks over and notices something funny she didn’t notice while she was in here earlier. A large oven cooking human organs and limbs. Huh. Funny what you don’t notice when you’re a useless whore. I guess friendly gas station man is going to eat your sorry ass. Anyway, Mr. Discreet gets his truck and walks up to her with a big potato sack and a broom. This would be an incredibly stupid way to actually try and capture someone to eat, but you’d be surprised. She picks up a big knife, and he touches her hand with the broom. I don’t care that she was just running away from Watermelon Face and went through a window, there is no way, not even a woman, would lose broom vs. big knife. This is bullshit. If I was Velma, I would have cut him up, then broken the broom handle, set it ablaze in the oven, and sodomized him with it. She then goes relatively easily into the bag and into the truck, which then drives off. Gas Station Guy has plenty of fun hitting her with some kind of sausage-rope thing for about five minutes as he drives along.

Along the way, he meets the psycho hitchhiker who (BUM, BUM, BUM!) is his son. He yells at him for leaving his brother alone. It is never explained what Hitchhiker was doing or why he could get there so quickly, yet take all day long to get back. Seeing as the Scooby Doo Gang were the only people remotely stupid enough to actually give him a ride anywhere, I ruled out that he hitchhiked to his destination. They then go home (Watermelon Face’s House! OMG THERE A FAMILY!), where Gas Station Guy beats up Watermelon Face with his sausage-rope for awhile, then commands him to go get Grandpa for dinner (BWAHAHAHAHA!). Velma passes out, but unfortunately for us, she takes another ten minutes to do so. Basically, it’s front row center of “Sausage-Rope Beat Down 2003.”

She wakes up, and to her horror, they are starting dinner. I assumed they ate all of her friends, except Shaggy, who was really Nightcrawler. The really old guy (Grandpa, I guess) is here now also, along with Hitchhiker (who keeps yelling at her for not buying his picture), Watermelon Face (who is now wearing makeup and dressed like a woman), and Gas Station Guy (who keeps mumbling about how he only likes to cook people, but can’t take no pleasure in killin). They decide it’s time for Velma to die, and they have Hitchhiker hold her down over a bucket while Grandpa tries to kill her. This is actually kind of funny, because he’s so old he just keeps dropping the meat cleaver he’s supposed to kill her with. And because Gas Station Guy “can’t take no pleasure in killin,” he’s jumping up and down screaming, “Get her Grandpa! Get her!” Huh. Seems awful happy for a guy who can’t take no pleasure. You could blame this on A) This movie sucks, B) the movie was poorly written, or C) Gas Station Guy is a horrible liar. I choose all three.

Velma suddenly breaks free and jumps out the window to escape. It is now afternoon. It was midnight when she passed out, and now it is afternoon. I’ll let you draw your own assumptions conclusions, but the answer is that this movie is gayer than a Canadian couple at a San Francisco Hamster Sale. Anyway, Hitchhiker and Watermelon Face chase after her, and she runs out in the road, where what should happen to come along but big red semi-truck. The semi-truck nails Hitchhiker and then stops. Then the driver, the only cool guy in the whole movie gets out. He’s a big black guy, and he doesn’t take shit from anyone. He sees Watermelon Face coming with chainsaw in hand, beckons Velma into his truck. But he’s not going to run away, because he’s the shit. He grabs a monkey wrench, and fakes running away. He lets Watermelon Face catch up to him, because he is so clever, and then turns around and pounds him in the face with the monkey wrench. Yee-haw! Black guy disapears at this point, probably because the laws of physics don't allow him to be in such a shitty movie for a prolonged period of time. Then a pickup truck happens to drive by, grabs Velma, and speeds off to safety. Leaving us with the end of one shitastic movie.

Basically, I decided there was no possible way to remake this to be good, so I decided to drop an atom bomb on Los Angeles. Why? The Queen of the Stone Age said it best, first, “no one knows.”

~Willbo Baggins