Ah, the nineties. I was four when the glorious age that was the nineties burst onto the scene. And as the age of shitty hot-rod cars such as the Corvette, cheesy-yet-loveable action shows like Miami Vice, and music enhanced by computer effects that are now available on the demo version of the most measly, low-down, piece-of-shit music editors available via Download.com died out, a new decade stepped up to become “the next big thing.” Of course, it was impossible to top the 70’s or the 60’s, but since those probably weren’t that great anyway, the 90’s had a pretty good chance of being remembered as awesome, in at least ten years or so. Everyone loves the 80’s now, even though it fucking sucked (except for Jump by Van Halen and St. Elmo’s Fire by John Parr. Fuck you if you think otherwise). Anyway, as the nineties started rolling, they needed a hip new theme to run on since the Gulf War wasn’t going to last forever (and we fucking pwned those bastards). So, since the eighties didn’t theme of “poorly edited everything” didn’t work, the nineties picked an idea that the public didn’t know shit about, but would always act like they did: technology.
And what an idea it was. By using phrases likes “space-age,” “cutting-edge,” or “state-of-the-art” and coupling it with “technology,” the media had a powerful and sickeningly vague tool to use against the public’s massive ignorance to create news stories that meant nothing to fill the huge gap between actual news and commercials. By 1995, everyone had, or at least pretended to, a somewhat coherent understanding of buzzwords such as download, virus, and hack. These were all pitiful by comparison, however, when compared to the King of Vague Buzzwords, The Internet! It was this sick, twisted, and wholly evil womb that the show ReBoot climbed out of.
Ah, yes. ReBoot. Never before had so many meaningless technology related buzzwords been strewn together by a plot fabricated by a writer who probably likes to be the ass-hat who asks “Why is it called C++ and not B-?” The answer is you’re a stupid goddamn motherfucker and a bad person who’s going to burn eternity in Hell for your misshapen wit. Since this shit-shank show has a lot of characters I’m going to waste my time writing about instead of wasting my time learning to school people with Mitsurugi in Soul Calibur 2, I had better get started. What I’ll be doing is explaining the plot and the characters. If you don’t understand it when I’m done, you can play slam your erect penis in a door until you understand. I guess girls can fuck their bedposts or something.
Bob (who has hair created by the protoplasmic platinum jizz machine) is the so-called Guardian of the city of Mainframe. Mainframe, huh? Real creative there. If you’re paying your writers anything less than “spinning dildo of doom lit on fire up the asshole” dollars, they aren’t getting their creativity’s worth. I was actually surprised to find out how much this show sucked ass until I learned these people made the atrocity that came to be known as Transformers: Beastwars. Anyway, Bob is the Guardian of Mainframe, which means he protects games that enter the city. What happens is that a game (which looks like a gigantic purple cube, but other programs don’t for some reason. Other programs like “Upgrades” look like cardboard boxes) enters Mainframe, lands in some random location, the game proceeds until the User wins or loses, then the giant purple cube jumps back into the sky. If the User loses, the cube jumps away without making a scratch onto whatever sector it landed in. But if the User wins, it destroys the area that it landed in, effectively damaging the city, which is the main part of the computer. So basically, if you win at any game you play on your computer, you’re visibly fucking up your motherboard. As in, you should be able to see a giant smoking crater wherever your game landed. Trust me, I do want to say this doesn’t make any fucking sense at all no matter what condition anywhere in the universe ever, but this would explain why my computer is such a piece.
So basically Bob’s job is to enter any game that appears and prevent the game from winning to stop the stupid fucking user from destroying his own property…and save the people of Mainframe, I guess. In order to accomplish this, he has a little thing on his wrist called Glitch, which has the slightly humble, yet useful, power of transforming into whatever the fuck he wants it to. It’s like the Green Lantern’s ring, except with infinite power and even more possibilities. Bob literally turns it into everything from a hammer to a cannon that turns harmless skin cells into explosive-heat-seeking nut clamps. It also explains that glitches in games aren’t problems in the programming of games, its a little thing the people inside your computer use to fuck you over! The writers of this show are really clever, taking a word they probably don’t know the meaning of and making it an essential part of the magical world that is ReBoot! Despite this gigantic fucking handicap, Bob still manages to have a shitload of trouble defeating the User. Why? Because Bob is a fucking moron who never uses Glitch unless he wants to do something pussy like open a locked door. Also because, unlike actual video games, the game give the User every heads-up feasible to help him reach the goal. And I do mean feasible. Here’s an example: there is an episode where the User is in a space prison. His goal is to make it to the escape pod and flee the space prison. When the User escapes, so does every single convict on the entire goddamn ship. That’s a lot of convicts, and they all live to let the User escape and stop Bob. The User also has picked up a key that opens any door. He can also reach the exit in about twenty minutes. What a great game. What I’m trying to say is that the entire premise of the show ReBoot is a hideous lie that isn’t real at all. The only game I have played that is even close to how un-fucking-believably easy the games in ReBoot are is Where’s Waldo for Sega Genesis. And that’s not even for computer. That’s more or less Bob’s role in the show.
Good thing her name isn’t a pun based on buzzwords! Oh, wait. Never mind, it is after all. Dot owns a diner downtown that is really popular for some reason. I don’t know why, they don’t seem to serve anything that even resembles food in any episode I’ve seen and the waiter who runs the place is French. Somehow, this restaurant makes her rich, and provides her motivation to be a completely anal-retentive bitch who’s strict and “plays by the rules.” This is a stark contrast to Bob’s laid-back philosophy, creating tension that has never before been seen in any show or literary work in the history of the universe. Except the fucking Odd Couple and everything single sitcom since it. And I bet the Odd Couple got it from some shitty 50’s movie starring Frank Sinatra or Clark Gable or some other lousy actor who everybody fucking loves nowadays. Anyway, Dot serves to fill the void of “female main character” that does better than the male protagonist in every episode in a situation such as the male is teaching her to shoot a gun, and she gets a bulls eye on her first try and gives him the sassy look. This is comedic gold, since everyone knows that females are genetically inferior to males in every single way. I mean, why else would men have the penis? Freud said it best, “Bitches want my cock and they ain’t gettin’ it.”
Enzo is the little cock-face of the series who acts as Bob’s sidekick. He tags along when Bob enters a game, and how the hilarities ensue! The worthless bastard who accompanies the main character and who always ends up getting everybody in trouble, and despite he main characters advice at the end of every episode, does it again the next episode because people who use this device in writing work for shows like ReBoot. It’s not really surprising considering the writers named the city Mainframe. Enzo later becomes a Guardian and becomes what Reboot considers totally badass. And by badass, I mean he wears a leather vest. Yee-haw.
I’ll just say this: Frisket, while not a lousy computer pun, is a dog, and all dogs are fucking retarded.
What a great name! It’s so creative! Mouse is a lesbian heavy-metal bitch that is always at ease and hangs out with Dot to creative a clever contrast to her “by the book” ways. This is already evident in the show with Bob and Dot, but the creators couldn’t comprehend another cliché. I mean with the two already present and the countless computer puns, another cliché could cause Mount Vesuvius to resurrect it’s evil volcano ways to serve the Hawaiian Goddess of Lava, Pele. Mouse’s presence also serves for her to hit on Bob and make Dot angry, even thought she claims to not care about Bob! After witnessing this about 23 million times, viewers can make themselves feel clever by saying to themselves, “Ooooooh! I think she likes him!” Way to go, you bastards. Your viewing kept ReBoot on the air for three horrible seasons.
Phong is the wise old man that lives in a big sphere thing in the middle of Mainframe. I assume it’s called some computer word that has nothing to do with it, but it’s important. He’s just kind of this dumbass geezer who says wise things like “A data disk must load one byte at a time,” and dumbass shit like that’s entirely wrong but sounds wise to dick heads that think a monitor is exactly the same as a television. The difference is you don’t watch shit-shank shows like ReBoot on your computer, you assholes.
This the stupidest mother fucking name in the show. The name is Andrea, you assholes. But no, you’re so clever you throw AI in there! WOOP DOG! Andrea is more or less Enzo’s bitch. That’s pretty much the story on her aside from her awful, awful name.
Megabyte is the villain of the show. He’s a virus with an extremely creative name. I was worried when I saw that all megabytes are viruses, because that means I have about 15,000 viruses of data on my computer. Once again, I’d like to say this doesn’t make any sense, but it would explain why my computer is so fucked up. Seriously, it freezes for no reason and I have to restart it twice before it works. That isn’t normal. Anyway, his goal is to infect mainframe with his virus powers. Apparently Megacock here doesn’t realize that if he does somehow manage to infect Mainframe, the User is probably going to use Norton Anti-Virus to effectively ruin his shit or just reinstall Windows and completely fuck him over. Or maybe the User uses Linux. That would explain why the whole goddamned city is made of fucking morons and games destroy your motherboard. Why don’t you send the bastards who made this show a homemade bomb? Or you could take the more direct route of just knocking on their door and shooting them in the penis with the Smith & Wesson Model 500, pictured below. ReBoot and the Model 500 are exact opposites, with ReBoot being a number so low is actually makes things cold by being near them, and the Model 500 being a number so big it wouldn’t fit in the Universe. Anyway, aside of the Model 500, here’s the rest of the terrible show.
She’s pretty much the other bad guy of the show. She’s creatively named, as well as everyone else except for Bob. Not nearly as creative as AndrAIa (god damn it)! She’s Megabyte’s brother, and is also a virus. Her goal is to infect Mainframe, yadda yadda. She eventually becomes a good guy or something. She can change her face because she’s evil and cannot show emotion or something.
Ah, the citizens of Mainframe. They’re straight, like the number one, I suppose. And then there’re fat ones, kind of like the number zero, if you think about it. OH HOLY SHIT! They’re ones and zeros! Just like binary! Well I’ll be a no talent writer! This show sucks.
I’ve more or less explained the entire series of ReBoot and all of the characters. Repeat this process around fifty times and you’ve got a shitty series. That’s pretty much I’ve got to say about that. E-mail me at roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins