Today, I was in a food line to purchase food-like products for my consumption. That’s what I would say if I were an asshole, but really folks, I wanted to buy some food. But unfortunately, there was this huge fucking jackass behind me, and he wanted to just jackass everywhere. He started commenting on food I was looking at. As in, I would pick up a candy bar and he’d say, “I don’t like Snickers,” casually to his friend, who I can only assume is just as big of a jackass as him or too pussy to tell him that he’s a total fucking jackass. This is what made up the entire jist of the conversation this bastard was having behind me which his friend. What I was thinking about buying to eat. What a fucking asshole and/or jackass. But that’s not the real kicker. I encounter assholes like this everyday, and they don’t make me pissed off enough to go make a webpage. I picked up a bag of fruit snacks, which had a stupid little star bubble saying “Now 99% Fat Free,” you know, to attract bulimic whores who think how they’ll save weight even though they’re so damn fat there isn’t really a point to it at all. Whatever. So this jackass behind me says to his friend, “Yeah, I’d like some of those fruit snacks, but its fat free shit, so I don’t like it.”
All right, this is broadcast to assholes around the globe, so listen up: You can’t taste fat free. They aren’t putting bad tasting things into the food, they’re taking out sugar and putting in supplements for it to lessen the fat content. Guess what? You can’t taste the difference. And quit acting like you can. Its like when people have caffeine free soda and they’re like, “I don’t like the taste of caffeine free.” There isn’t a caffeine free taste. You can’t taste the difference, so quite pretending you’re some kind of robot created for the sheer purpose of tasting the difference between normal soda and caffeine free. Its not like diet soda, where they make it taste shitty and put stuff that causes cancer (if you give about 100 pounds of it to a fucking rat) in it, its taking something that you’ve never tasted isolated from soda out of soda. Its just colored sugar water, no matter how you look at it. I enjoy drinking the sugar water, but if someone gave me two glasses of soda and asked me to find which one had caffeine just by taste, I couldn’t tell and neither could you. To prove this I propose what some would view as a “Pepsi Challenge,” type deal, except when you act like you know (when in reality they’d both be caffeine free) instead of being made a fool of, you die.
As if that weren’t enough to completely fucking ruin my day, I came home and let myself adrift in the endless sea that is the Internet. Unfortunately, I happened to drift down to a garbage boat of shit that happened to be force fed up my ass and down my throat. What could be the bane of my existence this time? Why, nothing more than pop-ups. But this wasn’t advertising the fabulous X-2 web cam, free money, or how to make my Internet go from 60% to 100% of its potential speed, no it was something completely fucking worthless.
My fucking computer clock may be wrong. GOD. FUCK. ING. DAMN. IT. I don’t give a goddamn bat-shit if my computer clock is off. I have my alarm clock in clear view, and I’m wearing my fucking watch. What the fucking hell goddamn asshole? At least offer me some kind of false hope by offering me to guess which one of the Simpsons is Bart or by punching the monkey. I remember when there were Internet ads that you actually had to perform some kind of task before entering their site, like punching a monkey to get Banana Bucks or guessing which horse would win the race (a little known ad on KaZaA that I won once out of the thousands of times I played it). But now, they let you into their site by thinking about the link. And Google hits me in the face with this “Google Toolbar” shit. That thing lags your computer so much that if it were a train, it’d be an abandoned caboose that had turned over after smashing a large semi truck, was transporting nuclear missiles in tanks of nuclear waste powered by being shot by phalanx cannons, and now lay in a burning fucking pile of rubble. Bullshit. That’s enough, if my day keeps going I’ll probably end up killing some people. You know it, roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins