I was walking along today, when I realized something. Shit pisses me off. A lot. A whole fucking lot, to be technical about it. Somedays, I’m just walking about, minding my own business, when shit has to come up in my face, and piss me off like a mother fucker. Then the whole snowballs, and I go off. And I don’t mean snowballs like, “I’m an asshole, and threw a snowball down the hill and by rolling down the snowy hill, it got bigger because of the snow!” No, I call that an avalanche, you asshole. I mean snowball, as in the sexual term that some freaks like to do. If you don’t know what snowballing is, here ya go: a man is getting his knob polished, when he comes in his supposed partners mouth (being woman, man, dog, bugaloo, whatever). Then, the partner, after a bit of swashing and swishing, spits it back into the ejaculator’s mouth. Fucking gross. Why, in the fuck, would anyone, in the fuck, want to, in the fuck, do that, in the fuck? If I shot my wad into YOUR mouth, I want it either there or in your stomach, giving a deadly acid bath to my potential children, thank god. If I want it in my own mouth, I’m completely fucking capable of putting in there. I’d just walk into a sperm clinic and take shots from their little plastic cups.
Anyway, so here’s how my little thought process got started: oxymorons. Oxymorons are goddamn stupid. They either A) don’t make any fucking sense, or B) are obvious and don’t need assholes like English teachers to go running around like a damn wildebeest shouting tomfoolery. Oh, not enough obscenities. Fuck, cunt, ass, turd nugget, shitfest. There we go. Anyway, one of the most famous oxymorons is jumbo shrimp. Seriously, what the fuck? Have you ever seen a jumbo shrimp? They’re fucking huge compared to normal shrimp. A normal shrimp weighs about ¼ of an ounce. Jumbo shrimp on average weigh about an ounce. That’s FOUR TIMES BIGGER. If I dropped a 10-pound weight on your goddamn head, it would knock you out, or give you a concussion. If I dropped an 40-pound weight on your head, you would fucking die. You hear me? DIE. Not “die,” as in, “I am alive!” I mean in the sense that you’re fucking dead. And by use of Google Image Search, I found this:
Wow, exaggeration to help prove your point! What a fucking jackass. Jon Agee is just a huge fucking faggot who eats tacos, shits them up, pukes in the toilet, and shoves the shit-vomit back up his asshole to satisfy his sick fucker penis popper bullshit. Proof of this is he spends all of his time writing stupid fucking books about phrases that look the same backwards or “oxymorons.” Someone said to me, “It’s the connotation of the word that makes it an oxymoron.” Ooooooo! Connotation! Way to go, saw fuck, you just grasped a third-rate English term! You get whale sperm on your birthday cake! Asshole. Yeah, I fucking know the logic behind the bastard who started the oxymoron business. But it doesn’t matter, you split dick, it doesn’t make sense. You still want to jack and shit? Well, here’s some stone cold facts. 1) Jumbo Shrimp are significantly bigger than “normal” shrimp, 2) only assholes and English teachers, who are assholes by default, use oxymorons, and 3) Jumbo Shrimp are the bane of the ocean, feeding even on the mighty Great White! I rest my case.
What other oxymorons are there? How about “military intelligence?” Oh yeah, the military is really stupid. I’ll admit they do shit that’s just fucking bull all the time, like invade Iraq and crash helicopters into each other or on occasion into cities (the only real crime is letting people write a bad book and make a shitty movie out of it), but the military is better than you. Why? Because they could kick your ass. On all fronts. Period. They have people smarter, stronger, faster, and in possession of bigger guns than you. The military can do ANYTHING better than you can. Try “jackass intelligence,” you fucknut.
I found a bunch of oxymorons on this dumbass website, so I’ll show you some stupid shit, let you think you’re smart, and prove you wrong. Act naturally. Acting is pretending to be something you aren’t. If you’re unnatural, you can easily act natural. Butthead. Oh yeah, the “butt” (which is a pussy way of saying ass), is the exact opposite of the head. Oh wait, not it isn’t. It’s the feet! Designer jeans. What the fuck? There are designer jeans! What about Tommy Hilfiger (fucking racist), Gap, American Eagle, and whatever other asshole who wants to make a profit of shitty versions of pants? Oh yeah, forgot about those. Designer jeans don’t exist! Even odds. Oh yeah, makes sense if you think about it if you put it in terms of even numbers and odd numbers. Way to take something completely out of context and wave your dick all about the place like you’re the shit. You’re just like an English teacher. Odds is the successes over failures, you bastards. You can have even odds. It isn’t that hard. Pretty ugly. Wow, nice one. Just like designer jeans, you can forget definitions! Ever look in a dictionary, you cock smith? Here’s two of the five definitions that could fit that: very bad; terrible and considerable in size or extent. Yeah, that’s right. Fuck you. Straight angle. Ever hear of 180 degrees? If you don’t know what a dictionary or designer jeans are, what hope does geometry have? Non-alcoholic beer. Once again, it exists. Go to your local grocer, buy a bottle, and kindly ask the nearest thug to break it over your asshole and gouge out your eyeballs. Wholesome. WHOLESOME IS ONE FUCKING WORD. GOD DAMN IT. I’m tired of this. But before I go, here’s one more thing that pisses me off.
“Do or do not, there is no try.” ~Yoda. Yoda: you fucking asshole. Wise Jedi, more like goddamn bastard. What do you mean there is no try? Of course there’s a fucking try. World War I? It doesn’t matter how many people the German troops killed, because they didn’t win. They didn’t even try! What a bunch of pussies! The Japanese didn’t even try in World War II, because they lost! Yippidty fucking doo dah. All Yoda is good for is sitting around in a swamp and ruining the Empire Strikes Back. You suck Yoda, and on that, I end this.
You may have noticed this is a lot shorter than most of my articles, but I like, and I’ll be keeping it that way hopefully. Most people don’t want to read that much anyway, and I can update more often if I do this. Yeah yeah, e-mail me at williambrasington@gmail.com
~Willbo Baggins