I am here today on a very grave reporting. However, as a satirist who strives diligently on a quest for truth, that it be dragged out of the closets of deceit like tiny Elian Gonzales, I continue, into the face of potential porn spamming of my e-mail, explicit animosity from my peers, and, God save me, hate mail saturated with, “OMG YOU H4X0R N00B U R A FAGOT!1!” Ladies and gentlemen, I am hear today to announce a truth, an unheard and unaccepted truth that slithers around in all of our souls like that stupid demon thing from that shitty movie Jason Goes to Hell, that may shock your ears to have me say it, but nonetheless it is the truth. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hermaphrodites and those who have no genitalia, I am hear to say, regretfully, that Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thundercats; any hip-to-my-groove 80’s cartoon, fucking sucks.
Now, after you finish raving like the Finnish, allow me to retort. In the 80’s everything, and I mean everything, was bad. Video games, airplanes, people, cars, movies, and especially cartoons, sucked ass. Faced with such a vacuum of…good, people had no choice but to find comfort in things that were utterly terrible. How else could one explain Corvettes, Tom Cruise, and Pretty Woman? The answer is simple, but people can’t let these things go. People can’ accept that we drove shitty sports cars, so we make more, like the Mustang, and that we let two shitty “actors” become famous, so we keep letting them get major roles in movies.
But this article isn’t about how much the 80’s sucked, even though I probably could get away with it, leeway to spare. Its about cartoons that sucked from the 80’s. If I was writing an essay, my thesis would be this: Due to the pathetic nature of human beings to strive for comfort no matter what the moral cost, cartoons, such as Transformers, Thundercats, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, were born, despite their epic shittiness of fucking lame proportions.
Seriously, making this tripe should be a crime. Let’s take a walk in the “greatness” that this piece of shit exhibits. There was a kung-fu master. Then there were turtles. Then there was RADIOACTIVE OOZE. C’mon, what the fuck? I thought that we were over this “radiation is the source of super powers” bullshit. Actually, I prefer that to this new “CHANGES IN THE DNA MADE HIM A SUPERHERO!” Want to know something funny? There aren’t a whole lot of things that change your DNA. And like in the case of Spiderman: The Movie, a spider “injecting” its DNA into him wouldn’t do jack shit. In fact, on the few things that is actually “injecting” DNA is a little something called a retrovirus that basically goes through the process to make proteins backwards and changes a cell’s individual DNA. There aren’t a whole lot of retroviruses, and a pretty common one happens to be AIDS. Take that, Spiderman. You have AIDS.
So, basically, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles run around being “dudes,” which according to Dictionary.com could mean one of three things: an Easterner or city person who vacations on a ranch in the West, a man who is very fancy or sharp in dress and demeanor, or a man; a fellow. Seeing as whenever these bastards aren’t beating up other mutant freaks, they’re running around referring to Easterners in a most unsatisfactory manner. This could be attributed to the fact that they’re either bastards or just plain old faggots. Reminder: this is the second half of the show aside from the AWESOME FIGHT SCENES that are normally them yelling about how much they like masturbating on pizza and yelling, “DUDE!” Yeah, fuck you Ninja Turtles.
This is quite possibly the most painful of the three I must review, but nonetheless, I tramp on. Transformers, a show about cars that are robots fighting with other robots about controlling the Universe, is the last of these shows I was forced to admit blew ass. Now, despite that cars weren’t mass produced until the early 1900’s and not nearly as advanced as they appear in Transformers until a century later, the Transformers claim to have existed for thousands of years. What a loaf. And by loaf, I don’t mean load, I mean a loaf of seamen bread. Fucking gross. This show is terrible, I’ll admit it, and if you don’t want to watch Transformers: The Movie, and you’ll be forced to, but I’ll let people still dream. That’s what I would have said two years ago. But they did it. I really wish they didn’t but I won’t stay silent in the face of this.
Three words. What. The. Fuck. There’s more than meets the eye, certainly, Transformers! I know I didn’t mention the new TMNT show, simply because the old show was so bad that it didn’t even merit mentioning the new one, but this is where I draw the line. Transformers is a shitty show, but it was THE shitty show. It was something that people could watch, enjoy, and love. They lied through their teeth and held back tears of moral corruption through hidesous lies, but goddamn it, they did it. It is not Cartoon Networks right, nor no one elses, to disillusion someone’s glorious dream. If you want to read something to disillusion yourself, read The Great Gatsby, don’t watch this shit.
THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! If you missed out on Thundercats, you should call yourself and tell him that you’ve done you a great favor. Then find the bastard, and kill him because he never returns any of your calls because he’s such an asshole. The Thundercats adventures consisted of this: running around, finding a stupid badguy, fighting them, the badguy would either become or pretend to be their friend, then they would run around acting like they had done the world a great service. If I haven’t convinced you this show sucks or you don’t think that I can, please reference this one, of the many side characters of the show, which I have featured below. Rober-Bill, leader of the Ro-Bear Berbils:
Okay, what the fuck? Who do they think they are that they can just take a piece of shit and combine it with a vacuum to make a character? I’ll tell you what, they fucking can’t, and I won’t let them get away with it. Now, if you’ll look up at the picture that began this section, I’ll tell you about the characters about this show. Front and center, Lion-O, your typical main character bullshit. With a sword that can see any events that might be bad anywhere on the planet, the show makes up for any real excuse to go on adventures. To the left are the cleverly named Panthro, with brazen muscles and skin of clay, (HE LOOKS LIKE A PANTHER) and Tygra, the man enjoying a harty chortle (HE LOOKS LIKE A TIGER). They sport the powers of strength and being able to turn invisible. Don’t be confused, however, both of them completely suck. Panthro always drives around in a dumbass tank and Tygra always fights someone who can smell him or something, negating his only shitastic power. To the right we have Cheetara (OMG WHAT A CLEVER NAME) and the trademark dumbass kids from the show who I can’t even remember their names, probably because I purged them from my memory out of hatred. They don’t even have a power, they just fly around on stupid hover discs. Cheetara, however, has super speed! I’d like to mention now that Lion-O is faster than Cheetara and stronger than Panthro and his sword lets him see Tygra, so he’s basically completely undefeatable. Gee whiz, what a great fucking main character.
Our final section about Thundercats focuses on its fatal flaw: Snarf. Snarf is the most fucking goddamn annoying thing in the entire Universe who can eat my fucking balls for all I care. In every episode, Snarf can’t help but being a dumbass everywhere throughout the duration of each and every episode, spurting feces out of his mouth that one would call conversation if one were a schizophrenic. He’s not even the main characters sidekick, he hangs out with whoever he pleases, and whoever happens to be the main character of that episode. Not to mention that every other word he says is, “SNNAAAARRRFFFF!!!” It’s not subtle, either. It’s loud, obnoxious, and retarded. Oh yeah, and there’s more than one Snarf. By the end of Thundercats there’s about four who are regulars, and they find a whole shitload of Snarfs, so I can’t die happy knowing at least Snarf isn’t immortal, my soul must be wretched in Hell knowing that I can never obliterate the Snarf race. And on that note, I wish I was dead instead of ever seeing Thundercats.
Well, it hurt like a motherfucker, but I did it. I destroyed shows I used to find some odd solace in, but that’s okay. I have to go die now, if you’ll excuse me roxorboxor@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins