No matter how old and sick I get, no matter how bad the economy digresses, no matter how many people die overseas concerning bullshit I don’t care about, there will always be one thing I know I can count on: MSN is going to piss me off. I can always count on their bullshit quizzes, useless fashion updates, and fun facts like “The Top Ten Shit No One Cares About” to keep me entertained. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the fabulous MSN.com page, come on a magical journey with me, Willbo Baggins, to a wonderful world of happiness and glorious enlightenment.
I, like many other assholes in the world, use Hotmail as my preferred e-mail service account. Sure, I don’t like their bullshit updates telling me about how I can give them twenty bucks to get more space that I won’t ever fucking use and how they decide to sign you up for their groups that use @hotmail.com for their sending address so I can’t possibly block them with their dumbass Junkmail system, but the fact is that Hotmail is the first e-mail service I started using and I just don’t need anything beyond that. Besides, since I use MSN Messenger every once and awhile, I need one anyway. That doesn’t mean the MSN doesn’t completely fucking piss me off every time I use it, but then again, so does everything I come in contact with.
I had just sent an e-mail when a MSN shoved its big obnoxious face on my screen to tell me to check out various stupid crap like “The Top Sports Cars,” “10 Silly Laws,” “9 Great Places to Propose,” “Renee Zellweger on Fat Talk,” and finally, “Quiz: Adult Decisions.” I’m going to personally walk you through all of these articles to show how much monkey feces they have under their seemingly innocent surface, and thereby proving MSN is a bunch of hearty bullshit that should be tarred, feathered, fucked, feathered again, and melted in acid while chopped to pieces in a giant blender.
MSN gets a pretty big hard-on talking about cars I’d guess, because they’d have to either be really confident in their expertise in cars or too big of a pleasure trip of looking at cars and creating a MSN Auto section to not know what the fuck they were spewing out. I’ll admit I’m no car buff, and I’m not here to tell you what the top ten sports cars are, I’ll leave that to stupid assholes. But here’s one thing I do know well enough to stand up and shout, “You, sir, are an asshole. I’d also conclude that you are a bastard. Making me quite certain, sir, that you are in fact, a bastard and an asshole in unison.”
The list of the ten most popular sports cars on MSN Autos is based on monthly visits to the site's vehicle research pages.
That’s the criteria which MSN uses to judge their top ten sports cars. I’d like to point out that A) they completely trust the website of the creator and promoter of the vehicle in question, and did no outside investigation and B) what the fuck do you mean vehicle research pages? If you think, “Well, this sure is stupid bullshit,” you’re right, but you don’t have the real nuts of this thing. Let me show you their top ten list:
I said before, I’m no car buff, but this I know: Chevrolets and Fords don’t ever beat Ferraris and BMWs. They just don’t, it’s that simple. Chevys and Fords are either shitty trucks to haul dead animals or shitty cars that explode when they get into a crash. This is complete fucking bullshit. Period.
Nothing to get the laughs rolling like a couple of LUDICROUS LAWS, eh MSN? Well you sure fucked the monkey in the asshole, because they’re filled with hilarity and ironicness. Oh wait. Ironicness isn’t a fucking word! Its just a word I heard some stupid bitch make up to make people think that she isn’t completely incompetent. Try ironicalness, you whore. That IS a word. Anyway, I looked at these laws, and not only did I find out that they weren’t funny at all, but some of them could be explained rather easily. Like, it is illegal to transport a skunk across state lines. Wow, a foreign species in another environment? You mean like invasive species, which can completely fucking destroy other ecosystems? Now THAT shouldn’t be illegal!
The rest were just fucking stupid, like you can’t require someone to purchase a horror comic book. But what really pissed me off about this one is that they got their laws from Dumb Laws.com, a site that’s actually pretty funny. In fact, upon clicking on Alabama, the first state laws they have listed, I found that almost all of the laws listed were funnier than anything under the LUDICROUS LAWS, like putting salt on a railroad track is punishable by death. I’m really pissed off that instead of a list of the funniest laws that there are, there was just a list of dumbass shit that was either explainable or just plain stupid. Way to go MSN. I hate you.
After a rousing battle with laughter that manifested itself as an evil clown after viewing the LUDICROUS LAWS (that were, in fact, absolutely and completely ludicrous), I went to the next suggestion of MSN’s Grade C (Oh lords, I’m funny) entertainment. That was, of course, the top nine places to propose a girl! Since I already noticed that MSN was already too much bullshit to get ten places and just settled for nine (despite the link to it said “10 Great Places to Propose), I knew this couldn’t be good. While I could at least buy most of them like Paris (although it said anywhere in the city, so I figured they meant even the sewers), Top of the World Restaurant in Las Vegas, and some shit place in Hawaii, there were some that could be called into question. One of them was the Brooklyn Bridge. I don’t own a lot of women, and I don’t pretend too, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t exactly nuts about bridges. I mean, they take you over something that you’d rather not walk through, that’s it. At least Paris was built to keep the French out of normal society.
But that was the least of the three big bullshits. That is, 30% of their thing was total bullshit while the rest were just obvious crap that anyone could think of. One was the Goliath Roller Coaster in Six Flags, California. Needless to say, what the fuck? A fucking roller coast? I mean, uh, buh, urg, a fucking roller coaster? Luckily the biggest lie was next, so this one was forgotten. Okay, brace yourself…The Jefferson Memorial. Uh, no. No fucking way, actually. I’m smarter than every woman in the Universe and I don’t give a fuck about the Jefferson Memorial. Why should anyone else? Jefferson was important to America and all that crap, but why would you want to propose at his memorial? Their fucking rational was, “Who better to inspire your declaration of love than the author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson?” Fuck you, assholes. The Declaration of Independence wasn’t about Jefferson trying to fuck someone. I’d rather do it at the Vietnam Memorial just so people around me would get really pissed off and I’d end up in the news for yelling, “I’m so happy!” The Jefferson fucking Memorial. Bullshit.
Renee Zellweger’s article was about 200 words long, which is fucking pathetic, and featured a picture of fat little Zellweger whining like when I step on a pig’s throat. It was complete and total, why that’s right you guessed it because its today’s word! Bullshit!
And finally, the greatest quiz in the world, adult decisions of my life. Now maybe its just me, but the idea of a quiz kind of sounds to me like there should be some definite answers. Something concrete that would at least let me know how I did. If there is no definite answer, maybe some kind of point system with the rational behind it. Maybe a paragraph describing why each choice is the best or something. At least then I could bash their system while knowing in my heart at least the bastards are trying. But no. This is a complete opinion quiz. Its all a bunch of crap like “Would you move out of your house, stay with your parents, or go to grad school?” Fuckshtick like that. You fill in the answers and get to see what other people voted. Wee. Not to mention the whole time you’re looking videos of these dumbasses that fucking suck at acting. This also means that people were paid to help promote some bullshit video about shit that doesn’t matter. Actually, I’m lying. I can’t say that they all sucked acting. Well, you all know about how businesses and advertising has to play the toleration game by putting in minorities and women who are doing really well. This almost accomplishes that, but not quite. See, there’s a woman who’s stupid, but she’s talking to another older, smarter woman. And then there’s this old bitch who’s a CEO. There’s also an Asian guy who’s playing tennis like a real hotshot and is talking about where he’s going to move now that he’s married. But there’s a small problem. There are two black guys in the five videos. And neither of them talks. In one of them is because he’s in the room with the bitch CEO who’s talking really fast, so I guess I can buy that. But in the other one, he’s just hanging out with the Asian guy, nodding and smiling, since we all know that black people can’t speak intelligently with other people. There is absolutely no reason they couldn’t just make one of the FIVE videos with a talking black guy or at least give one of them a fucking line. I’m not trying to sound like a liberal nazi, but that right there is fucking racist.
Oh well, now that you’ve all listened to me you all know that MSN fucking blows, and that I fucking rule. Don’t support racist whores, e-mail roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins