Ah, yes. The theatre. It has been awhile since I have taken an adventure to my local Cineplex (it’s not actually called that) and decided to see a movie that I might review, seeing as I haven’t done jack shit for my site for almost two weeks, and it might as well be a movie review. So, what to see? My theater is dank shit-hole smack dab in the middle of a worthless shit-hole town, and that’s not even to say anything about all of the movies that are coming out nowadays. I stopped watching T.V. for a millisecond and sixty-four movies came out. I hadn’t even heard of half the shit that was on the posters. I think one was called Underdog, or Understatement, or Underachiever or something like that. It looked like a rip-off of the Crow, which was a shitty movie to begin with, so they’re not even ripping off something good. I mean, why doesn’t someone make a new Highlander movie? I mean, make a good one, that is. What’s better than Scots trying to cut each other’s heads off? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Anyway, I saw from the poster of Once Upon a Time in Mexico that Johnny Depp was in some movie, and since Johnny Depp fucking rules (with the exception of that lame ass movie where he made it snow by cutting ice with scissor fingers or some turd-shit like that) I figured the movie would be at least halfway decent. However, I should have been wary of two very distinct facts that would have made me blind myself with a laser pen instead of sacrificing my precious brain cells that were destroyed when I saw this movie. A) Antonio Banderas was in it and much more importantly B) it was, in his own words, “written, shot, and chopped” by Robert Rodriguez. For those of you who don’t know Rodriguez made THREE Spy Kids movies. Spy Kids fucking suck. I would rather give myself a blowjob with a vacuum only to find out to my horror that there were blades inside the vacuum tube and that they had massacred my penis into a Peniscolada, rather than watch any of the Spy Kids movies. I would sign a pact with the evil witches from Macbeth to become a fusion of the deaths of Jesus, a tough Indian being drawn-and-quartered, and John Bobbit (fucker might as well be dead with no cock) to witness the Spy Kids being thrown into a blender. Anyway, I had better start this krazy review before my brain hemorrhages thinking about Spy Kids.
The movie starts out with Johnny Depp, a slick, sarcastic CIA agent, who is waiting for an informant. And guess who it is! None other than Cheech Marin! But now he’s not Still Smokin’, he just has an eye-patch. He sits down, and their chat leads into the back-story of the main character, El Mariachi! Cheech keeps saying how he was called “the biggest Mexican,” and keeps saying how he wasn’t very tall. Obviously smoking so much of that shit has made Cheech considerably dumbasser, since they’re probably talking about his penis because all Mexicans are Catholic, and all Catholics are faggots. That’s a lie anyway, since Banderas plays Mariachi, and he’s been in three Spy Kids movies, effectively shrinking his penis to a not-even-funny-to-joke-about size.
So the story of El Mariachi is more or less this. He pissed off this one general guy, who I will from now on refer to as General, so he wanted El Mariachi to die. Apparently El Mariachi means, “fucking mini-gun/grenade launcher guitar,” because that’s exactly what goes down. He kills all of Generals men, but luckily they’re all zombies because they keep on coming back to life for more action sequences. He also missed them a whole lot, and managed to put a whole lot of holes in the plot, but those will come up later. Then he just charges a group of men/zombies, cleverly using his ability to form a machine gun, sawed-off, and pistol at will. Trust me, when this guy wants to rip up the shit, it gets ripped up. Bad. After tearing about twelve new assholes, he gets trapped by all of the zombies. But then Mariachi’s woman shows up at the last minute, showing off her thighs. WOOPS! There were some blades on them thighs, and she just chucked them into the remaining zombies. I guess knifes can succeed where bullets can’t when it comes to zombies, cause they don’t get back after that. Apparently General and Knife-Bitch were gettin’ it on or something, because she feels betrayed by him because he tried to kill El Mariachi after he shot up his zombies. So she “shot him with a bullet in the heart” with a sawed-off, which is more like a chest full of buckshot, but whatever. “But he didn’t die!” warns narrator Cheech. Yeah. Sure. He got shot point-blank range in the heart, the muscle in your body that pumps blood through your veins and if suffers moderate trauma with lead to a cardiac arrest, and was just pretending to be dead. Even if he did live, he’d have to be integrated with the body of the robot from Lost in Space. Some of you may think this sounds cool, but I’m talking about the totally boss robot from that awful Lost in Space movie from the 90’s, I’m talking about the dumbass one that was made from a bent fluorescent light tube, insulation and a hand-held vacuum.
Then Cheech gets paid $10,000 to tell Johnny Depp that useless information and poorly filmed, written, and acted introduction. Depp asks why he didn’t accept the original $50,000 offer, and Cheech says that 10 k is modest and something they both can live with. I don’t understand why Depp doesn’t cap his ass right now. I paid seven fucking dollars, and I’m already pissed off. If I was Depp, I’d rip his flaccid penis off, fill it with rubber cement, gasoline, and firecrackers, set it ablaze, and sodomize his pot smokin’ ass, but he doesn’t, because Robert Rodriguez fucking sucks. Depp then waits till Cheech to reveal his left arm was really prosthetic and he was pointing a gun at him the whole time under the table. Then there’s a crappy transition to El Mariachi living in a typical Mexican town (which is bad enough of an insult), and he accepts to start playing a shitty guitar that this old man wants him to play. I mean, it’s fucking awful. I’ve never had a shop class, or seen how to build a guitar, but if you gave me a piece of wood, a pocket knife, and a nail, I could make a guitar that would make his look like he took a shit and put some of his ass hairs in it as strings. Which probably isn’t too far from the truth, but he walks around playing this shitty guitar all about the town while the credits role. Then some guy, who I will call Indian Mc Burn Face, shows up with an army of Hydra-Soldiers (I’ll tell you why I call them that later) and is looking for El Mariachi because he employer wants to meet him. The first thing he does is waste the old guy who made the guitar. It might be because he withheld information about El Mariachi’s whereabouts, but I’m betting it’s because he bought a guitar from him only to find out it was a piece of shit that would piss me off if you paid me to take it. Anyway, they haul El Mariachi off to meet the man who wants to see him.
Next scene, I can hardly wait! Oh boy, the excitement is riveting through me like electricity when they killed the shark at the end of Jaws 2. The movie now goes into a part of the plot that is about as connected to the movie as my foreskin is connected to my penis. And I ain’t Jewish, and if I was, I would have had a party about the deed I’m alluding to. Jewish people are always partying. I wish I were Jewish, oh well. I mean, the foreskin WAS part of my penis, but it’s not anymore. Just like this part of the plot is in Mexico, but they just sort of slap them together and hoped no one would notice. Well, I noticed, but I’m also a lot smarter than most people so I’m guessing no one else did. Basically, it’s a cartel. What kind of cartel is never explained, all you know is that the leader of cartel is a very hard man to get close to, and even meeting him is very dangerous. Except, of course, if you’re a piano teacher because Cartel Man is just raring to learn, or a Texan who crossed the border and always carries a tiny dog with him. At least the Cartel Man is played by Willem Dafoe, and not some lame ass Mexican actor, they just paint him up to look like a Mexican. This really isn’t important, it’ll come up later I guess.
BUM BUM BUM! The person who wanted to see El Mariachi was none other than CIA agent Johnny Depp! By the way, his name as an agent is something like Sands, but if you go around telling people to call you Sands, you might as well be call “foreskin-licker” because that’s almost as demeaning. Just think about it, would or would you not kill a person who said, “Call me Sands.” I rest my case. Anyway, Depp asks Mc Burn Face about Mariachi, and he tells him they call him “El” for a nickname. As in “the.” They actually have Mc Burn Face say, with dialogue, “as in, ‘the.” His fucking nickname is The. If I had a mini-gun guitar, I’d be more than a little pissed off if mother fuckers started calling me The, but he’s also played by Antonio Banderas, who is, in fact, a pussy. Then Depp asks Mc Burn Face “Are you a Mexican, or a Mexican’t?” I forget why, but it’s the best part of the movie. So yeah, sit back and relax cause it doesn’t get any better than a one-liner. Anyhow, Depp wants Mariachi to ruin this one guy’s shit because he’s going to kill el presidente and cause a coup d'état (note: I learned what this word means from watching Gundam Wing, which kicks ass). But, plot twist, it turns out the man trying to do the coup (that rhymes, unless you’ve been calling it “koop” and not “koo,” dumbass) is none other than an evil robo-clone of Johnny Depp! Actually, that’s the only thing that could have saved this movie. It’s just General, with his heart of Jesus that cannot be harmed. Basically, El Mariachi accepts the deal and is warned not to betray the CIA because then they’ll get rid of his “protection.” Even though I think the most notorious crime-lord (they never say why) in Mexico or a General with a fucking rouge army found out about Mariachi, there wouldn’t be a goddamn thing the CIA could do about it. Johnny Depp shoots the cook with a really stupid reason why, and I’ll be goddamned if I explain it here, and we’re moving on. Oh yeah, they also manage to get fake blood on the camera lens. Shitty directing and lack of motivation to try filming another take or artistic? You decided. Actually, I get to. It’s the first one.
Now, this movie is sort of chopped up and fucked around and doesn’t make sense, so the next few scenes I describe might not be in chronological order, but they are all there. I hope. Mariachi sits down with his shitty guitar (the fuck still has it), and remembers some shit about his past and his wife, Knife-Bitch. The flashback goes something like as follows: he’s sleeping in bed with Knife-Bitch and cuddling, when he notices he is connected to his wife by a comically large chain. He grabs Knife-Bitch and runs while a bunch of General’s army start shooting at them. Now, what I wonder is this: why the fuck didn’t General, who wanted revenge on Mariachi so much, kill them instead of chaining the two together? Huh? Makes a lot more fucking sense, dunnit? Oh well. Basically, they escape by scaling down a wall chained to each other (which would be hard in a videogame, because someone would be the bitch with 2 health and the enemy would only aim at them and you’d lose if they’d die), and get hit by a bus, which then rams into a giant tanker of gasoline. Shit explodes. They escape. Hoo-ha.
Mariachi comes to his senses after passing out on a bench dreaming about his bitch like the bum he is. What a fucking bum. Then he goes to this church that’s right behind him because Depp told him to meet him there. It’s ironic because church’s are holy places and there will be an action sequence where people die. That blowhard movie Face-Off pulled that shit, think of something else. Like fighting in a Cocoa Puffs Factory. People go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, not bullets. There’s the irony! Anyway, Depp acts like the priest in the confessional, and then leaves mysteriously. Uh-oh! People start blowing the shit out of the confessional with AKs. Lucky for Mariachi, he’s also Spider-Man and Nightcrawler combined because he somehow teleports behind the gunmen and climbs up a wall in about two seconds. Next is the second best part of the movie. He finally fucking nails that goddamn piece of shit guitar over someone’s head, blowing the shit to pieces. And there was a silver-sawed off hiding inside the guitar! That would mean the old guy put it in there, I prefer to think of it as magic. Anyway, Mariachi goes on to do what he does best: ruin people’s shit. Seriously, if you ever meet him, don’t piss him off. He kills about 30 guys with just a sawed-off and a handgun. He also has the ability to shoot a sawed-off accurately for up to the distance to the sun. After he kills everyone, Depp calls him and tells him “he passed the test.” What a bunch of bullshit. If he weren’t Johnny Depp, I’d shove his head through a wall. Depp tells Mariachi to assemble his team. I don’t feel like wasting a paragraph on this next scene, so basically he recruits Enrique Iglesias and some drunk-padre in a random bar and picks up his actual guitar. And by actual guitar, I mean a guitar case with some guns in it, no the mini-gun guitar. What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
I honestly can’t recall what happens at this point because the movie is so loosely strewn together. I THINK this is when Depp recruits this retired FBI agent to do some stuff for him, despite that he’s really kind of ineffective, and just wanders around with a gun without any bullets. He also paints the INVALID off of his FBI badge with white out nervously in public, instead of his own house. What an asshole. I mean, what an asshole. He hates Cartel Man because his evil henchman Dr. Gaara (I think that’s it, but that might just be because his named sounded like Gaara, who’s a character from Naruto, an anime I watch) tortured his partner to death or some shit. I think Mariachi has a dream sequence now, and he just dreams about fucking his Knife-Bitch and his daughter. He is awoken by Depp calling him, and is told to wait where he is, and that Mc Burn Face is protecting him. But Depp tells him that Mc Burn Face is mad that Mariachi killed his men, although I’m positive no such thing happened. Mc Burn Face shakes his gun at Mariachi, though, so maybe he did. He does kill everything in the Universe when he goes apeshit, I guess it was just a common mistake and that Mc Burn Face is just mad his face is all burnt.
Now Depp and Cheech meet up again, only this time Depp is actually pissed off that Cheech is withholding information. Lucky for Cheech, Depp can’t kill him until he gets the information. Unluckily for him, this waitress pours coffee on his fake arm, which causes him to shoot the Cheech AND the waitress. So then Depp searches Cheech for the info, which is cleverly stowed in his eye! Fucking stupid. Then he gives him a cavity search just to be safe. I guess it adds to his character, but it really just pisses me off. Then he goes to meet his bitch that is a member of the weird police force in Mexico called AFN or something. He makes her a deal that after the coup d'état, they’ll go into the basement of the presidente’s mansion and get a lot of money that will be there for no reason. They really don’t explain WHY there’s this huge fucking pile of money, but it’s there. She agrees, and the movie rolls on.
I believe now they cut to El Mariachi walking through the streets of Mexico, and he walks up to Mc Burn Face and asks him what the fuck is up. Basically, Mc Burn Face has decided that he’s going to turn him over to Cartel Man, and that doesn’t make Mariachi very happy. So he decides to do what he does best; will guns out of thin air and start killing everybody. But instead of zombies, he’s now fighting the Hydra Soldiers. Why I have decided to call them this is that when one dies, two pop up in his place. Mariachi declares that Mc Burn Face “is last” in his killing spree, but since you can all do math, that’s impossible. You can’t kill anything that produces exponentially when you it dies. Even Hercules just ended up dropping a fucking mountain on top of the Hydra, and his punch was strong as opening a black hole that fired approximately 27 nuclear missiles for every atom in your body. A motorcycle chase ensues, followed by a big ugly car chase, and after driving about 30 miles away from where he started, Mariachi runs in Mc Burn Face who fires a dart of sleeping tranquilizer into his forehead. HIS FOREHEAD. I dare you, I fucking double dare you, and not that Family Double Dare shit, I mean the real thing, to inject any chemical or substance into your brain as long as it is in a big enough quantity to fill a tranquilizer dart. After that, just get up and talk to me about it. He says, “He should be out for about a week.” Try infinity, cause he’s fucking dead. Anyway, Mc Burn face leads us into a lovely little transition by saying, “He’s gonna have some nasty dreams.” My balls fucking exploded into cum grenades in my pants when they went to the final dream sequence of Mariachi and his wife, because I was amazed they linked into a dream sequence with the line, “He’s gonna have some nasty dreams.” Fucking great writing, Robert Rodriguez. Goddamn amazing.
Basically all that happens in this dream sequence is that I basically decide that Mariachi can’t be killed by anything. I think Rodriguez is trying to show he’s tough, but he doesn’t know there are limits to human pain thresholds unless you’re Cloud of FF7, go into SOLDIER, and get infused with mako, because Cloud was the shit. What happens is General shows up in Mariachi’s home, kills his Knife Bitch and daughter, and shoots Mariachi in the stomach about five times followed by about two to the lungs with a M4. Wow. Since no one in the history of the Universe survives being shot in the stomach with one M4 shot, I’m damn impressed that Mariachi survived five, and two more to the lung.
Cut to nutzo Ex-FBI. He’s tailing the Texan, who has his trademark dog, of course. After apprehending him in a fit of pussyness where he doesn’t want to pursue just because he didn’t have a gun (what a fucking wuss), he finds out that Texan doesn’t want to stay in the cartel anymore because what he’s had to do here is “worse than anything he’s ever done in the states.” True, he doesn’t exactly elaborate as to what this is, which I would assume is nothing because the goddamn cartel doesn’t do anything, AND he doesn’t ever say what the fuck he did when he worked with his former employer in the U.S. who he doesn’t identify anyway, but we’ll run with it. Ex-FBI slaps a microphone on the dog to monitor what happens in the cartel, and we move on. As soon as the Texan arrives home, however, Mc Burn Face is there with Mariachi captured. Cartel Man gives some stupid speech about how everything in life deserves a fair trade, and Mc Burn Face replies, “And Mariachi’s the trade?” Cartel Man cleverly rebuttals, “No, you are.” And Texan kills him by order of Cartel Man. I was sort of wondering what the fuck was up with that. Seriously. Why do they want to kill Mc Burn Face? He brought them Mariachi, who is the only force in the Universe that could possibly kill an entire army, and now he’s in their custody. But they kill him as if he’s done something wrong. What the fuck whatever, man. Some shit happens about Cartel Man and plastic surgery or something gay ass like that, and Ex-FBI ends up getting captured and Depp’s bitch betrays him because she’s the daughter of the Cartel Man and he gets captured. So now everybody’s captured, so it’s safe to start the coup, right? Well, they wait until everybody escapes, THEN they try to overthrow the government. Not the smartest silver monkey in the fountainhead, but they’re Mexicans, so I’m gonna give them some slack. Oh yeah, and Depp gets his eyes torn out by a machine that has no purpose but to tear out eyes. It’s like the evilest contraption ever designed by the world’s most decrepit scientists of horror.
Johnny Depp, with no eyeballs, manages to kill another armed man with the help of a little Spanish boy. He talks to the Spanish boy in English, whereas the Spanish boy responds in Spanish, yet they completely understand each other. Why they don’t just pick one fucking language to speak in to make things so much fucking easier is one of three reasons. A) Depp has had his eyes torn out and can’t see the glaring plot hole, B) the child is Mexican, and therefore uneducated enough to not understand what a glaring plot hole is, or the correct answer, C) Robert Rodriguez’s idea of good writing is more cocked than Bob Dole on Viagra and Valium. Ex-FBI escapes somehow and heads to the capital to exact revenge upon Dr. Gaara and Cartel Man. Mariachi grabs his friends, who look like the Three Caballeros only with super guitar weapons, and orders them to go kick a humungous amount of ass, which they do. Enrique has a flamethrower built into his guitar case, and the Drunkard has a bomb that he can drive around built into his. So he drives it under a tank and blows it up. He also has the power to put it back together in an instant, because he has it about two seconds after he blows it up. They also manage to stuff a bunch of money they find somehow into their guitar cases amongst the flamethrower mechanism and the explosives that take up the entire case. Whatever. Basically, everybody kills everything in the end of the movie. Depp kills his bitch. Ex-FBI kills Dr. Gaara. Mariachi kills General and Cartel Man. Yee-haw.
This movie fucking blows. It doesn’t make sense, it’s poorly written, and the characters are about as deep as a fucking kiddie pool. If you disagree with me, sign youself up for a bunch of lousy porn. Shake it to the left, roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins