The other day I happened to be by some people, who I had the misfortune of performing with in a shitty play, who were engaging in one of the most evil and brain-degrading activities that happens millions of times everyday: looking at pictures. Despite what anyone thinks or believes, looking at pictures for fun and to “cherish memories” should be punishable by death. Out of the billions of photographs ever taken, a few handfuls are worth looking at, and even then it’s not for more than an eighth of a millisecond. These worthy pictures are almost always either of war or porn. War pictures that are acceptable are always freakin’ boss, because war is just people dieing and shit exploding. Unfortunately, people like taking pictures of dead babies or something lame ass like that. This is because a dead child is shocking, and must be shown to the public. I don’t really know why, I see a dead baby every day when I have my daily baby for breakfast, sometimes twice if I feel like a light babylicious-snack between lunch and dinner. It’s almost as shocking as when soldiers die in combat action in Iraq. Because everyone knows that no soldier has ever died in combat action in the history of anything. I hate those stupid reports more than anything else in the news today, because there are two reasons someone is in Iraq for military service right now. They are A) they volunteered (not drafted) because they were stupid enough to get wrapped up in that whole stupid September 11th patriotic bullshit, and therefore deserve to die or B) they joined the National Guard, buying into that “We can’t send National Guard members into combat” lie, because the military just promotes everyone in the National Guard and sends them anyway (they also deserve death in this case).
With all of that important business out of the way, it’s time to get to the point. I saw in one of these dumbass pictures, I was reminded of something I had forgotten: how ugly I am. I had forgotten that while I’m not “Stay away from me you fucking hobo-alien” ugly, I am by no means attractive. I realized that this puts a damper on my plans to be perfect in every single way. I asked Gampa, the King of the Internet, why I was so ugly and he told me that, beside himself, if anyone was perfect in everyway, the fabric of space would be torn and evil Space Pirate Samurais would rule the known universe (the unknown still would belong to Gampa). Seeing as Pirate Samurais have been known to hijack comets and can outrun the speed of light in a potato sack race, I could completely understand.
But now I had another problem on my hands: now what? I had to somehow maintain my completely awesome image, yet not physically change my appearance for risk of the Pirate Samurais. After thinking for a little bit, I came to a brilliant idea that would take Einstein and Newton 38,234 quadrillion years to come up with. Don a badass mask that makes me look like the shit.
I know many of you are thinking, “Who’s Don?” because you’re a moron, but the fact is that wearing a mask ups you at least 12 points out of a 100 on the cool scale. That of course the best looking mask, so you little bastards who think you’re cool on Halloween are in for a big surprise, because you think you scared me, but I rubbed that candy all over some herpes invested genitals before giving it to you. Don’t like canker sores? Well herpes are about 100 times more painful, and they’re everywhere. To prove to you how cool masks are, I have found the best masks ever.
I don’t care what anyone says, Dr. Doom is the shit. He has a secret laboratory, has like every robot and gun in existence, and has never been caught. He also, on numerous occasions, defeated the Fantastic Four. Although that Fantastic Four are all pussies, the face he’s beaten them is actually rather impressive if you consider the following facts.
A. There are four of them, and one of him.
B. The Thing is made of rock, and as we all know, the 2nd hardest substance in the universe is rock.
C. Torch is made of fire. He also can fly. These should be two points, but they’re only considered one, because he is one person.
D. Mr. Fantastic has the world’s dumbest last name. Oh, I guess he can stretch, too.
E. The Invisible Girl can turn invisible. How are you supposed to hit something you can’t see?
Also, Dr. Doom only wears his mask because he is hiding a horrible scar he had. But he put the mask on when it was too hot and fused it to his face! Owch! But this only makes him all the more badass. I mean, he’s got METAL FUSED TO HIS FACE. I had a pimple once, and it hurt like hell. And pimples are made of oil, not metal.
Darth Vader
Darth Vader is the most badass villain ever. He is the coolest guy in Star Wars hands down. I mean, let’s recap some of Vader’s exploits:
A. He doesn’t have a father; the Force conceived him though his mother.
B. “He’s more machine than man now. Twisted and evil.” ~Ben Kenobi
C. He killed his Jedi Master.
D. Han Solo shot at him with a laser gun and he stopped it with his hand, then took the gun through the force, THEN put Han Solo in carbonite, the third hardest substance in the universe (2nd is rock, 1st in Invincium.)
E. He lifted up the Emperor, while being electrocuted by crappy lightning graphics, and tossed him into some kind of hole, which I assume led to the fusion pit of destruction.
That being said, we all know Darth Vader kicks ass. According the 2002 World Atlas, if Darth Vader fought Darth Maul, and Darth Vader was encased in carbonite, and Darth Maul was in the Death Star and was fighting with a million Tie Fighters, Darth Vader would suck in making the “kuuuu” noise, and would have killed Darth Maul 8,392 times before he let out his “paaaaahhh” noise.
Here we have the 2nd coolest bad guy and third coolest person in Star Wars (2nd is Han Solo, c’mon). He’s so awesome, he was only supposed to be in the Empire Strikes Back, but he was like, “No way, fuckers,” and willed himself into Return of the Jedi. Let’s see some of Boba’s totally awesome experiences:
A. He hid in the garbage of the Star Destroyer and followed Han Solo to that Giant Worm Planet, even when all of the Empire didn’t know where Han was.
B. He is the only person ever to escape from the Sarrlac Pit. I’m going from the thirty trillion Star Wars books on this one, but since it’s Boba Fett, it’s probably true.
C. He is the bodyguard of the most notorious gangster on Tatooine and probably forever.
That being said, I think it’s safe to say Boba Fett is completely fucking awesome.
Jason Voorhees
Psycho Mantis
Holy crap! This guy is freakin’ badass. He can read minds, float around, and take over people’s bodies through psychokinesis! All while fighting our favorite mullet-haired stealth commando, Solid Snake. He knew I liked Castlevania! And if that wasn’t already too awesome, he made my controller shake! Dual Shock? Fuck you! It was Mantis baby, and you cannot beat him in the first controller slot, you need to switch to the second one to bypass him because he can READ YOUR MIND!
Cyborg Ninja
With these hard-hitting examples, I think its safe to say masks are totally awesome. I know what you’re saying, “But Willbob, what about those stupid masks you were talking about?” Well, I’m glad you asked that, because now I’m going to show you the stupidest masks ever made.
Right out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, here’s one of the stupidest masks ever conceived. It’s made of a human face! My ass. It looks like it’s made out of Strom Thurmond’s deceased, gangly, wrinkled up testicles. I realize what an outrageous mother fucker Strom was, but you’d have to have a lot of balls to openly hate black people in the senate. Oh wait, our whole government is racist, so it wasn’t. Well, you can stretch dead people’s balls REALLY thin. How do I know this you ask? I don’t have time to answer that, I have to go volunteer at a mortuary.
OOOO! Really creative mask, suck dick. I’ve actually heard people say, “Jason vs. Michael Myers would be great, even though Michael Myers would win.” Okay, think about it for just one second: zombie that can’t die vs. some pussy who killed his sister. Hm. You can get back to me on that. Michael Myers is stupid. Lots of people are crazy and kill their families, but only one guy came back from the dead as super zombie warrior when his mother was killed, and his name is Jason. Michael just took a mask before anyone had anytime to put any design on it. His mask is bland, but not as much as Halloween movies.
This guy is right out of a Gundam Wing, which is actually a pretty good anime. But Trowa has a problem of dressing up like a lame ass clown with a half-ass mask. Literally. Seriously, where the fuck is the rest of this mask? The answer to the question is that it’s so gay that it collapsed on itself. It looks like he took half of Bowser's awesome cruiser thing from Super Mario World and slapped it on his face. If you’re going to wear a mask, at least wear a full one, jackass.
Well, that being said and done, I’m going to go watch some Family Guy to become less pissed off, adios. Drop me a line at roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins